Texas Chainsaw Massacre (The Beginning)

by

Leatherface 

I, like you, ask myself ‘why did I bother?’.

Seriously – why?

In the full knowledge that this would be a shallow retread I watched it with the faint hope in my heart that it would have something of worth in it. But as the opening credits rolled and I realised Michael Bay co-produced it, I sensed my hopes were scuppered and I’d let myself in for a dreary couple of hours.

Yep – you heard right. Michael fucking Bay – he who is responsible for the likes of The Rock, Armageddon, Bad Boys and other such rot with massive production values and stupid, dull plotlines. Having killed off clever, subtle action pictures he’s now turned his hand to the horror genre and, ultimately, played a part in ruining the whole bloody thing.

Horror films (or at least the ones I enjoy most and the original of this tired franchise) thrive on a small budget. Schlock special effects, grainy camera work, poor acting, they don’t come at a price. You can’t apply the kinds of budgets that make things like Armageddon successful and hope it does the same for horror. Where’s the money going to go? Special effects? Herein lies the problem.

TCM (TB), to abbreviate this shitflick, is simply shock after shock with absolutely nothing of any worth sandwiched between. And the shocks are so blunt and heavy handed they don’t even make you jump. They make you sigh and, from time to time, vaguely grimace at the unpleasantness of it all. There’s no subversion, no intelligence, no allegory, no nothing. It’s not even good enough to be called an exploitation movie as it hasn’t been made on a budget to ensure maximum profit. We don’t get the pleasure of a really cheap ride. Instead we get really, really expensive disappointment. This is a film without merit in any sense whatsoever. A real low point.

What’s more irritating is that this is a cash in on a complete and utter fucking masterpiece. Despite this, it makes no effort to do any justice to the original.

As has been documented a bazillion times, the original is based loosely on serial killer Ed Gein. Our buddy Ed had a serious mother fixation which induced him, alongside some serious pathological mental illnesses, to cut women who resembled his expired mother into small pieces and use their flesh around the house, for furniture and accessories. Hence the whole concept of Leatherface.

Completely ignoring this freakish beginning, the Bay product makes the father the domineering parent. The first face Leatherface decided to skin and wear is that of a teenage boy. The whole premise is pissed into a corner and the concept goes out of the window. It turns from a tale of a warped and deformed young man with a distorted Oedipus complex into an overblown pile of tat about some violent men. And it’s not good enough I tell you. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

As for Michael Bay, I’ve heard word he’s now working on a remake of The Birds as well as the first Friday the 13th. Can’t someone cut off his cock before he pisses on any more graves?

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33 Responses to “Texas Chainsaw Massacre (The Beginning)”

  1. imtheotherdave Says:

    Jerry Bruckheimer once said, “we are not obliged to make art”. Fair point but, while your not obliging yourself with art, stay the f*ck away from our well loved banners. Would I buy a Daewoo and stick a Chevrolet badge on it? No. And why? Because I’m a poor, blog trolling fool. Is there a lesson in that? Perhaps.

  2. Rob Says:

    Well, you’d have something better-made than the average Chevy, but I’m still not sure where that leaves you vis a vis Michael Bay. Though, I suppose, you could run him over in it.

  3. imtheotherdave Says:

    ‘Vis a vis’? You sound like David Brent.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    fight
    fight
    fight
    fight
    fight
    fight
    fight
    fight
    fight
    fight
    fight

  5. Clarys Says:

    Good film then?

    He’s remaking The Birds? The fucking Birds?! That’s a flawless film, god knows what it’s going to turn into by the time Bay has finished with it. For shame.

    Transformers was alright though.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Yes Clair, it was fucking BRILLIANT.
    Bay’s past misdemeanours and future crimes:

    http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000881/

  7. imtheotherdave Says:

    Since I’m bored out of my mind, I’d like to ask for your favourite Hitchcockian works . I don’t mind The Birds but find it poorly paced, vis a vis to a borish finale. My top three- Strangers on a Train, The 39 Steps and Rope.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Dave = spod

  9. imtheotherdave Says:

    Swineshead = states the obvious

  10. Badger Madge Says:

    I liked Transformers…

    I also liked Rear Window. That was good.

  11. piqued Says:

    imtheotherdave

    You put Rope over Psycho and Rear Window? Bullshit, attention seeking pretension you fucking ponce

  12. Swineshead Says:

    He’s right, Rope is pretty much just an experiment.

  13. imtheotherdave Says:

    The film’s based on a fucking Patrick Hamilton play, a play reliant upon the audience knowing a) the killers and b) the location of the corpse. Many of Hitchcock’s films involved experimental techniques, why pick on Rope? Psycho and Rear Window, indeed, we are talking best not best fucking known.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    If you’re going to swear, at least do it convincingly, not like you’re trying to upset your mum.

  15. imtheotherdave Says:

    I thought this was a mother? Go play with Piqueds balls in the garden. Cunt.

  16. Swineshead Says:

    Oh i’mtheotherdave… oh my poor fool.

  17. piqued Says:

    To defend Rope, a stage play made into a film, with ‘how many of Hitchcock’s films involve experimental techniques’ when the man was one of cinemas greatest pioneers is simple to answer.

    All of them you prick.

  18. imtheotherdave Says:

    Congratulations, you understood the not so valed purpose of my question. Now, just to humour a silly prick like myself, why would you dismiss Rope as being ‘just an experiment’ if you accept it was made by one of ‘cinemas greatest pioneers’? Perhaps you were trying to say it was self-indulgent, fair point. Surely you can’t hold the screenplay thing against it though, not when Psycho was adapted from a hasty TV drama, and Rear Window a short story.

    Twat.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Fucking hell, Dave – what’s up with you today? Did you forget to note down the arrival of the 8.32 from Grimsby in your little notepad?

    Spod. Piss off.

  20. piqued Says:

    What does ‘valed’ mean you turd

    You used the word ‘experiment (al)’ not I, I was paraphrasing you. Nor was I dismissing Rope or saying it was self-indulgent, don’t put fucking words in my mouth

    I was saying that by suggesting Rope is a greater film than either Psycho or Rear Window (or Vertigo for that matter) you were being a pretentious attention-seeking twat for the sake of it

    The rest of your hastily researched comments have no bearing on this discussion, though I accuse you of more pretentious attention-seeking twattery

    Go away

  21. imtheotherdave Says:

    Rope is a masterwork in suspence, turning a traditional formula on its head. I do not make the judgement carelessly.

    Right, I’m off to play with children my own age.

  22. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Suspence’?

    Must be time for spelling class.

  23. piqued Says:

    Pervert

  24. Badger Madge Says:

    Er… are we all agreed that Transformers was pretty good then?

    *waves white flag*

  25. Swineshead Says:

    I haven’t seen Transformers, but it’s essentially just an experiment.

  26. piqued Says:

    It gets a mention in Clerks 2 oddly

  27. imtheotherdave Says:

    Anyone care to list their top three Smith films?

  28. Swineshead Says:

    Clerks
    Mallrats
    Clerks 2

    The rest are borderline unwatchable.

  29. imtheotherdave Says:

    I agree, yet would add Chasing Amy, you know, just for the attention.

  30. Swineshead Says:

    I couldn’t hack the Amy film. It done my nut. Anyway, it was essentially just an experiment.

  31. Badger Madge Says:

    Clerks
    Chasing Amy
    Dogma

    I liked Clerks2 but felt after watching various other ‘gross out comedies’ over the years, I’m now, like, so over them! But I did like it…

  32. Badger Madge Says:

    Chasing Amy kicks ass. If only she weren’t so damned squeaky.

  33. Swineshead Says:

    Dogma was ok but essentially just an experiment. Bernard Matthews etc…

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