Sometimes it’s embarrassing being a fan of horror. As a genre, it frequently disappoints.

Watching a film in company, you’re often left feeling a touch like a moron, as a film that promised shocks, foreboding and nightmarish effects turns out to be a fetid floater in the annals of film history. Creep is the last picture that left me feeling that way, and now Hatchet comes along, like a slow diarrhea from the bottom of a constipated frat-boy.

Might as well get down to business straight away and let you know that Hatchet is a bin-bag full of some unoriginal child’s poo. The posters you see about town at the moment boast that this is an ‘old school American horror’. I’m not sure exactly what they mean by that. It certainly feels dated. They also boast that it’s ‘not a remake, …a sequel or …based on a Japanese one’. Though all those facts might help to drag an audience in, a boast about originality is not really a claim this film can make.

I know it’s meant to be an affectionate parody of slasher films, an homage, a pastiche, all those other words that basically allow a film-maker to rip off past, better film-makers. The problem is that it does it with no style whatsoever. The jokes fall constantly fall flat, the acting is piss-poor and the setting is bizarre considering most slasher films (aside from Friday 13th) usually are based in suburbia. So the homage is incomplete, the jokes aren’t funny and the horror itself is leaden and completely ineffective. Which all combines to leave you with an impotent little movie.

At least it had loads of tits in it.

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13 Responses to “Hatchet”

  1. piqued Says:

    I have not seen a decent horror film in years that doesn’t require subtitles. There, I’ve said it

  2. Swineshead Says:

    What was the last decent one?

  3. piqued Says:

    Well we agree to differ on this but the last decent (non titled) horror film I saw was Wolf Creek, I thought it was much better than Hostel, which was okay.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    I agree to an extent, but you have to admit that for every Ringu there’s a half-dozen duds.

    Will someone else write an article? MY FINGAZ R BLEEDIN

  5. piqued Says:

    The Spanish and Italians make great horror films as well as The Japanese

    We don’t. You mentioned Creep, utter shite of the worst kind

  6. Swineshead Says:

    They used to, they haven’t recently…

    (write an article)

  7. sayanything Says:

    I watched that clip – you know, I really don’t need warning to ‘stay out of the swamp’

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Ahahaha! Very good sayanything, but I hadn’t seen the trailer ALRIGHT?

    I’d only seen the poster.

    Yes, I am thick.

  9. sayanything Says:

    oh no, the criticism was purely aimed at that little narrator girl, who suggests we stay out of the swamp, rather than your good self… just seems a little unecessary of her to mention that

  10. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve just worked out who you are and I know full well that you do actually wallow in Lincolnshire swamps. Or rather, you fall in them whilst pissed.

  11. sayanything Says:

    busted… and i believe we actually call them dykes in Lincolnshire

  12. Gilbert Wham Says:

    I’ve been disappointed with every horror film I’ve seen for years now. The only cure is to lock yourself in the house, get blind drunk, and watch old Troma videos till your brain melts.
    BTW, heres a question for you: Can you think of a bad movie where all the protagonists die at the end?

  13. Swineshead Says:

    Gilbert – you’ve seen Ringu I presume? Audition? Ten or so more Japanese / Korean horror movies? Like Piqued said there are loads of contemporary horror films that are ace, but they all seem to come from Asia. Apart from stuff like Hostel and Hard Candy, but if you’re no fan of trash then you’re unlikely to get into those.
    28 Days Later is another strong horror film…

    As for the question – I can only think of Reservoir Dogs where all the main characters die. Usually at least one survives don’t they? Oh no – I’ve just consulted my wife – Texas Chainsaw Massacre – The Beginning. Or is Leatherface a protagonist?

    I am confusing myself.

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