There are no adverts around for this at the time of going to press (clicking save), but there is a hell of a lot of the old ‘word of mouth’ marketing going about. Some say they’re brilliant and live up to the whispered hype. Others say they’re not all they could be, but are still pretty great. I say they’re rubbish, and I haven’t even mucked about with one yet.

I own an iPod. It is now dead after two years’ usage. One day it broke down and, though it had survived a few crashes in the past and only required a quick reformatting, this time it couldn’t withstand the pressure and buckles everytime I try to save it’s sorry little arse.

So I’m buying a new one, foolishly. I’m buying it today in fact – one of those iPod ‘classics’ that hold 80 gigabytes of shit. Weirdly, it only costs 160 quid. Compared to the 180 quid I shelled out for my loved one in April for a Nano that has only 8 gigs, it seems to me that Apple’s pricing system rips people off left right and centre.

Before I bury myself in a geeky mess of compu-speak, let’s have a think about why the iPhone is bound to be shit.

  • According to reports, you have to set up an account with O2 before you can get one. O2 are rip-off bastards.
  • I like having my phone separate to my music. It means that if I get mugged and have left my mp3 player at home then I won’t have lost everything of value in one fould swoop. iPhone is all your precious eggs in one basket.
  • Every mugger, for six months at least, will want one. Or a few. They will be your average mugger’s holy grail.
  • The touchscreen thing would have been appealing a decade ago, maybe seen on something like Tomorrow’s World. In actual fact it’ll be incredibly impractical. I have enough problems with my phone calling people of its own free will in the middle of the night and leaving them voicemails which are made up of me shouting at people in pubs, from a distance, over garbled music and the sound of smashing glass.
  • If the iPhone has a cover, disregard last bullet point.
  • They’re bloody expensive.
  • Every trendy sod will have one. Actually, even worse, because all the trendy sods probably already have one, the slightly late sods will jump on the bandwagon the moment they go on sale, so they will be absolutely everywhere. Every conversation you hear will be about them – on buses, in pubs, in old people’s homes, on the moon, in your coal-shed.
  • Even worse, people will get them out and show them off to other people who have one anyway, and both parties will explode in a paradoxical miasma of pointlessness.
  • Actually, that last one might be a ‘pro’ rather than a ‘con’.
  • Imagine the ringtone nightmare when people can use music from their iTunes library as a ringtone. Or play it at will on the bus. Our ears will burn to music we can’t stand.
  • Christ, I hate the world. I hate people.
  • I hate change and I hate the future.
  • I am turning into a bitter old man.
  • I’m 30 in a year. What happened to my youth?
  • Where’s me shopping?
  • Who am I?

NB: Some of the features described and slagged off might not actually exist – the author couldn’t be arsed to read an iPhone spec before writing.

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26 Responses to “iPhone”

  1. piqued Says:

    My friend has one, he says they’re fucking amazing.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Amazing for about 3 months, then run of the mill, then in about a year, broken. And unfixable. And just another bit of toxic waste in a landfill.

    I can’t really criticise as an iPod owner, I’m part of the problem, but it’s sad really, ain’t it?

  3. Dave Medlo Says:

    Apple used to be a lovely company who made quality products for descerning individuals and were content with their small but respectable marketshare. Now they’re running their machines on PC hardware, doing deals with Bono, employing awful comedic doubleacts to advertise their wares and producing shit like the iPhone. Us normal Mac users have been sidelined and discarded infavour of people who think it’s really cool to have samples of Hadouken tunes as their ringtones.

    Fuck mac, and fuck the iPhone.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve seen hadouken live (free tickets, I didn’t pay, obviously) and they’re alright! You’d like ’em if you were 15. You would.

    And there’s no need to swear.

  5. bree Says:

    never owned an mp3 player.

    about to buy an ipod nano cause i like the fact they’re square.

    got a phone about 4 years after everyone else did. one i have now has interwebbery access and i can take and edit photos and movies on it, it has adobe, office, and about a million other things my laptop does, too. do i ever use these applications? no. the longer i have a mobile, the more i regress and wish for the old days of mono screens and brick-like proportions.

    that is all.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Bree, I’m with you on this. And the fact is, the only people genuinely busy enough to be able to use all those applications on the hop are too busy to work out how smart phones work. Or they’re Stephen Fry.

  7. bree Says:

    i like stephen fry but i don’t like blackberry users.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Louche of imnotgay is a blackberry man…?

  9. bree Says:


    i think his blackberry use is offset by his interesting sartorial choices.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    I have been known to use blackberries in crumbles. The little sluts.

  11. piqued Says:

    I too have never owned an i-pod but I have bought them for both my bro and Myfwt

    Altruism isn’t dead

  12. imtheotherdave Says:

    I’m pretty certain you’ve heard of both Maddox and Stephen Fry. If, by any chance, you’ve been living under an e-rock, here are their takes on the greasy-pawed twat-magnet…



    Personally, I own a non-apple MP3 player, and the cheapest model of Nokia it’s possible to buy. This makes me a winner, you cattled consumerist slaves!

  13. Swineshead Says:

    I mentioned Fry earlier – DO KEEP UP.

  14. Bree Says:

    I am leaving this comment via my phone’s web browser. Once more, that is all. *chokes.*

  15. piqued Says:

    Yeah imtheotherdave, Fry-up, yeah

  16. Napoleon Says:

    This tells you idiots slavering over a piece of plastic all you need to know …


  17. Napoleon Says:

    Just noticed Dave’s already done that … FUCK YOU DAVE!

  18. Swineshead Says:

    That’s great Napoleon but

    a.) I was slagging it off
    b.) That’s already been linked to

  19. Napoleon Says:

    I couldn’t be arsed to read it. Still wasted money on a cheaply-produced Chinese hard drive wrapped in plastic … sorry … iPod, didn’t you? A-ho-ho-ho. A-ho-ho-ho. HA HA HA HA! How much are they again? A-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!! THAT much? For a bit of plastic? HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

  20. Swineshead Says:

    Surely the thing you’re typing on at the moment is powered by a cheaply-produced plastic hard drive wrapped in plastic…

    Plus you’re ugly, you poor sod.

  21. imtheotherdave Says:

    Out of the whole internet we’ve managed to repeat two separate links. *Puts on Harry Hill voice* What are the chances of that happenin’, eh?

  22. Napoleon Says:

    And the computer was cheap too (does more than a Mac, costs half as much – huzzah!)! Unlike you, I can see the wood from the trees. I can get past the hype and see there are equally worthy products out there that do exactly the same job at a fraction of the price (iPod=fashion accessory=fashion accessory price). Plus, I’ll be fucked if I’m handing over any money to a company that uses U2 to advertise its crap. A-HO-HO-HO!

    I may be ugly, but at least I ain’t getting ripped off by Apple. You sod.

  23. Badger Madge Says:

    i currently own the cheapest nokia you can get which has a phone. it’s cack (obviously) but i was thrilled ebcause i thought i could finally get the 24 ringtone i’ve always wanted (you know, the ctu ring what goes boo boo beee boooooo).

    except that the arsing phone doesn’t accept mp3s only feckin MIDI (which i only discovered after accidentally signing up to loads of pay weekly rip off sites while trying to find it, and then asking my mate to send it to me via MMS and email).

    i have a camera. it’s cack. i can ‘surf’ the web (but only sites that are already in the phone). plus every time anyone texts me, the tone is so abrupt that i almost have a heart attack.

    i hate my phone.

  24. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I lost my phone and can’t see the point of replacing it. It’s been quite nice not having every single hour of the fucking day being interrupted by morons sending me txt msgs designed to infuriate the living shit out of me. You should give it a try … oh, you probably ‘need’ one don’t you? A-HO-HO-HO.


  25. Dominic Harvey Says:

    I love blind, irresolute, commercial manipulation; but I am a little bored of the iPhone already. I’ll wait till the version with the built-in mirror that distorts me into looking beautiful comes out.

  26. Techitorial Says:

    Its really spectacular … I like the way it has been written … I like your style !
    I really appreciate the way you are writing .. nice !

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