The Wild Gourmets

by

Wild Posh Wankers 

Before we’ve even fucking begun, the names of these two hooray henry arseholes is enough to warrant crimes against humanity, she is called Thomasina and he, Guy. Of course Guy calls her ‘Tommy’ but being the upper class twit that he is he pronounces it ‘Tom-air’, because he’s so fucking well to do he can’t be pissed to bleedin’ talk proper like what the rest of us peasants does.

Tom-air looks like she’s been dragged through a hedge backwards, she’s so bloody horsey-trot-on, she can’t even be bothered to run a comb through her fucking hair.

Permanently maintaining an expression on her face of ‘yar?’, only he, Guy, can rival her in terms of being the most vacuous, pointless git on the television. In my life, I’ve never met a Guy who doesn’t deserve being doused in an accelerant and being set alight. This one is no exception, though an additional kicking would make me feel better.

The premise of the show is dangerously banal, take two privately educated Country Life inbreds and make them ‘live orf the land’. So far they’ve largely failed to meet any of the necessary criteria that justifies the words ‘gourmet’ and/or ‘wild’. Guy has seamlessly failed to catch fucking fish. Even when they do get permission from Daddy to shoot mammals they wind up buying them orf the landowner. Actually, they buy most of things they are supposedly foraging for from passing lower class ruffians.

When they did actually catch and cook something it obviously tasted like shit –Tomair caught some eels which she cooked there and then. Guy actually spat them out, the cunt.

Obviously Channel 4 has been watching BBC2, specifically the Sunday evening joy that is Ray Mears who fucking lives the life for real. Ray actually trains the fucking SAS in survival techniques. These two I wouldn’t trust with directions to the nearest Waitrose.

They permanently impress on us that living outdoors doesn’t mean that you have to rough it. Guy spent most of last week’s episode making Tomair a chod bin out of saplings; she ended up having to climb a 6-foot pyre of birch in order to lay a cable. Ray would just shit in a hedge, Tomair needs a fucking throne (though I reckon Guy needs it more so he can watch all shit coming out, probably from the privacy of, and ironically, a hedge).

Just to ram the un-roughness of living outdoors we left the over privileged trust funders languishing in opulence in their ‘shelter’. The bloody thing was decked out with chairs (chars) soft furnishings (sarft farnourshings) and a fucking huge wood burning stove with a fucking chimney if you please (a beeping whooge ward barning steeove weeth ar beeping cheemnay)

It makes me fucking SICK.

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25 Responses to “The Wild Gourmets”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    I knew someone called Guy – he was one year old at the time I knew him.
    Are you suggesting I set a small baby aflame?

    YOU’RE AN INHUMAN MONSTER

  2. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    To be honest, most folk wouldn’t have bothered putting this shit on. They’d have seen the words ‘Wild Gourmets’ and the channel it was on, and thought “Fuck that!”

    Then, if they’d have had any sense they’d have gone to Cost Cutters and … well you can guess the rest.

  3. piqued Says:

    Cost Cutters? Good gracious moi

  4. ajcann Says:

    They douse themselves liberally in olive oil – WTF did that come from in South Wales?

  5. piqued Says:

    ajcann, your blog titled thus

    ‘The latest news about microbiology in a form that everyone can understand’

    The latest post

    ‘All cells have the capacity to selectively degrade misfolded intracellular proteins, which, if they accumulated, could interfere with normal function and could be toxic. Such proteins may arise by mutation, errors in gene expression, failure to fold correctly, spontaneous denaturation, or postsynthetic damage (for example, by oxygen radicals). How often such events occur in cells is uncertain, largely because the ubiquitin–proteasome pathway rapidly degrades such aberrant proteins, inc…’

    Methinks you may have titled it incorrectly?

    I didn’t understand your post on here either, if it was a reference to something in the show then I apologise, I was cooking up some smack whilst it was on.

  6. ajcann Says:

    You need to watch this week’s episode, clearly filmed in the olive groves of South Wales.

  7. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’ve just ‘ad a gander at Ajcann’s blog. I didn’t understand it either, so that’s two off the list of ‘everyone’ so far.

  8. Rosszszsss Says:

    I DUN UNNERSTAN IT NYTHA

    But I think that reflects much more on the state of science education in small towns in Somerset during the years 1989-1994 that on Mr Cann.

  9. piqued Says:

    Anyone else like to have a look at ajcann’s blog, it reads like the inner workings of the fucking space shuttle

  10. ajcann Says:

    OK then, try this one and see if you can ‘understand it 😉

    http://scienceoftheinvisible.blogspot.com/

  11. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I got as far as the word ‘science’ and my idiot brain started melting.

  12. Mr.Chipz Says:

    To be fair I suspect mr cann’s blog is excellent. I just don’t understand it. Well thank you Mr so called cann, you made me feel ignorant, well I hope you’re happy now, I really really do.

    You’re right by the way Piqued old son, the wild gourmets are fucking arseholes. I bet they do dirty sex with each other though.

  13. Mikey Says:

    I like this website. You guys are fun and your contributors too! Keep up the good work. Your take on todays programming and culture is good.

    AJ do you like Star Trek by any chance? Science is fun!

  14. ajcann Says:

    I prefer Dr Who to Star Trek. How about you?

    BTW, I thought the new Robin Hood episode was rubbish – how about a post on that?

  15. Gilbert Wham Says:

    They are terrible terrible cunts. They should be killed, cured like Parma Ham, and fed in slices to their own parents.

  16. Gilbert Wham Says:

    Fucking wild gourmets. I’ve had Havana Club & choc-ices for my tea.

  17. piqued Says:

    Mikey, ajcann, let’s nip the fucking Dr.Who/Star Trek thing in the bud right now

  18. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    When are the EEC going to learn that if we British wanted our sausages fucked about with, we’d do it ourselves? As we clearly don’t, can those Eurocratic interfering bastards leave our sausages bloody-well ALONE?

  19. Mikey Says:

    AJ I enjoyed Dr. Who when I was a kid..Jon Pertwee and Tom Baker especially. Also enjoyed the Hartnell and Troughton films. Have not really watched the new lot.
    Star Trek however..fantastic! Basically each episode offers optimism.
    Always fancied Yeoman Rand as well.

  20. little mary Says:

    We have just got this series in Australia….I LOVE what you wrote. Spot on!

  21. piqued Says:

    Hurrah!

  22. John Says:

    We just got this series in Australia and i dont think you fully appreciate these characters….bear with me im only 3 episdes in.

    You refer to guy as a “cunt” this is a blatant insult to the people we usually to label as cunts, surely they shouldnt be subjected to indignity of being mentioned in the same class.

    Guy you think is upper class…..spot on i must admit. during the grouse massacre in yorkshire he proffesses to have never had the opportunity to participate in this bloodsport as it is only available to the priveliged and he never got that chance. yet he had the reflexes with that shot gun that would have a made an old western cowboy green with envy. therefore he is also a liar.

    On the grouse hunt did you see the way he kissed tommy to congratulate her for decapitating that bird, theres definitely something going on there, givin they spend alot opf thier time by themselves in a deserted forrest under a makeshift shanty amid the romantic setting of a wood fire, note they never seem to have a cucumber on hand from tommys herb supplies.

    And what about our dear tommy. Apparantly winning materchef is enough to make you an expert on the great putdoors and the survival there of. The special forces for the queens army must be wishing they listened to these two befor going into combat….Ray mears and bear gryliss must be laughing there asses off at these two clowns.

    I cant wait to see the rest of the series, although it would probably be better suited to a prime time slot on the comedy channel. PLEASE NO WILD GOURMETS MARATHONS!!!

  23. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    ‘Grouse massacre’? Bit strong on the old terminology there, John? Or is a bird shoot now in the same category as, oh, I dunno, the rape of Nanking, or the clearing of the Warsaw Ghetto?

    NEVER FORGET THE GREAT YORKSHIRE GROUSE MASSACRE OF 2007 – A CRIME THAT WILL LIVE IN INFAMY

  24. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t think Wild Gourmets got commissioned for a second series. At least I bloody hope they didn’t.

  25. Lou Says:

    Their book was just reviewed in EAT magazine in British Columbia Canada with rave reviews. From these comments I don’t think either of them would survive in the BIG BAD woods, either coast or the prairies of Canada. They’d probably freeze to death in a few hours in the Yukon or Northwest Territories.

    Oh, that might be an interesting reality show. Certainly would be entertaining for you Brits (I’m British-Canadian) with your sense of humour watching 2 upper crusts being confronted by a polar bear in the wilds of the Arctic.

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