Dragons’ Den – 16/10/07


Bannatyne - 80s ICON 

Dragons’ Den returned to BBC2 last night, having seemingly not been offered the upgrade to a BBC1 slot that the Apprentice took, bizarrely. It’s as good as Alan Sugar’s  job interview / assault course and also offers an altogether more tangible reward. Where Sugar offers a year of working on some lame electronic gizmo from the 80s, the Dragons offer cash and their ‘expertise’ (which is probably corporate-code for constant pressure and irritating daily phone calls demanding to know where the profits have gone).

But it’s hard to deny that, from time-to-time, a few dreams have come true. The other day in Sainsburys I noticed some Reggae Sauce in the sauce section. Obviously, I didn’t buy any, but someone might do, one day. And that means cash in Levi Roots’ pocket – and he deserves it because he’s a lovely bloke. Well – he has a nice smile and can play the guitar. To be honest, as far as we know he could be a serial granny-fiddler, but let us give him the benefit of the doubt.

Other winners from past series included that grinning smugstrel who sold broadband to yacht owners (the very thought of it makes me feel like a down-and-out tramp) and that slick publishing gimp who  wanted to start the ‘executive magazine’ called ‘Wonderland’. How I scoffed at the time. How I paled when I saw three or four of his glossy pamphlets in my local newsagent and off licence. Seems Peter Jones‘ gamble paid off on that one.

Ah. Peter Jones. There’s that name – it had to come up as he is, let’s face it, the pantomime villain of the piece. Obviously untarnished by the complete failure of his ITV Apprentice rip off, Tycoon, he’s still the lanky streak of expensive piss you remember, all apple-cheeks and scowls with that mop of boyish hair and a face only a blind mother could love. Last night the awful toff made a point of saying, to some chaps trying to sell a dating website,  ‘I don’t have any trouble with dates as I’m incredibly good looking, and I’m wealthy’. Wrong on at least one count there, Jonesy.

He’s not the only one with a misconceived notion of their own beauty. Bannatyne, the bequiffed Scot of the group is becoming increasingly similar in appearance to Tony Hadley, lead singer of Spandau Ballet. He looks like his dressing room is situated two decades away, what with the slick Martin Kemp back-comb and the loosened skinny tie. It’s not a good look for a man who looks like a dead baby chick that’s fallen out of a nest, that’s for sure.

These two self-love experts actually cast the other three Dragons in a more sympathetic light. That is, at least, until Theo Paphitis and Deborah Meaden round on some unsuspecting victim and tear him to shreds, like Mickey and Mallory Knox in pinstripe. I swear those two misfits are having a passionate affair. I see visions of their lovemaking in my most torrid nightmares. Last night Duncan Bannatyne joined them (not in a threeway shag, thankfully, but in a bullying) as they gave a chef a kicking for having a ‘ridiculous pink quiff’. Ironically, had he died that quiff brown, his look wouldn’t have been a million miles from Duncan’s own.

Typically, the first batch of money went to a couple, clearly already from a wealthy background. Because they were well spoken, presentable, had a decent idea and would clearly jump through hoops, Peter Jones flattered them almost to the point of fellatio and cunnilingus until they broke down sobbing, with no choice but to submit to his slimy fawning.

The other handout went to a deserving young fellow who was looking to franchise a gold-plating machine. A solid idea, at first highly criticised by Duncan B and Theo ‘The Loverman’ P, but then bought into by new Dragon, James Caan – a high flier from the Recruitment industry. This new Dragon is a lot more ruthless than the softly-spoken Aussie he replaces and is fast becoming a silent-assassin type. In the first pitch of his Dragon career, he broke the heart of a David Beckham lookalike. But he rounded the show off with a shrewd deal. Good editing to place that particular pitch at the end of show one as it establishes Caan as a proper Dragon immediately, rather than have him look like a spare prick at a wedding for the rest of the series.

Terrible people, decent television.

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41 Responses to “Dragons’ Den – 16/10/07”

  1. jasonspaced Says:

    Yep, cracking telly. Good piece, mirrored a lot of my own feelings about the show. I actually thought Caan was similar to the Aussie in that he was polite and courteous, softly spoken and not as ego-driven as the rest. He obviously won’t suffer fools (you don’t get rich if you suffer fools, right kids?) but he seems to be the most sympathetic character of the five.

    I can’t believe DD isn’t on BBC One. Perhaps, like Ricky Gervais before them, they enjoy the cult viewing that being on the smaller channel brings. But it got me thinking – do you think it makes a huge difference what channel it’s on? Are there really people these days who will blindly watch BBC One in the primetime slot, rather than scout around for the best telly? Who would rather watch a repeat of New Tricks than a new series of DD? If the two had swapped channels, how would the ratings have changed?

  2. Swineshead Says:

    I think you’ll get the odd fusty type who won’t watch Channel 4, Channel 5 or BBC2 because they think they’re too arty farty. They probably don’t know what BBC3 or 4 are. And when the digital switch around comes about they’ll be left in a muddy bog of televisionlessness.

  3. AJ Cann Says:

    It’s the ruthlessness that makes the whole thing so enjoyable. If there was ever a Dragon called Ruth, it would be all over.
    Now that Raymond Blanc, on the other hand, he’s just too nice.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    I’m a fan of the Blanc – I’d rather go into business with Raymond then any of these Dragon arseholes.

  5. Rosszszsss Says:

    You have made me feel weird for fancying Duncan Bannatyne.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    You ARE weird for fancying the 80s quiff man – he is a berk with droopy jowels.

  7. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Of course Deborah’s a hatchet-faced old ratbag, of course she is. But wait! Think of that greedy old baggage nude, thrashing around in a bath of beans, milk exploding from her drooping boobies as she stuffs £50 notes down your underpants “Deborah, I have a wife!” you roar, getting into the spirit of the thing. “I care not for your vife!” she replies, pelting you with shit wrapped up in blank cheques, “I vill heff you and zere ees nossink you ken do to rezzeeest me. Come, feed off Meaden’s udders. You are verrrrry naughty boy, I sink, no?” Reaching for the surgical gloves, you dive at Meadon thundering, “BY CHRIST THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE!” “It vill be,” she shouts, smacking your balls black and blue with a mallet she’s hidden in the beans, “For you I vill do anysink!” “In which case,” you ecstatically reply, “Will you invest £100,000 for a 40% stake in my new abseiling for spud-kids company?”

    I haven’t slept in two days.

  8. Mr Chipz Says:

    I watched about 3 minutes of this last night. I tuned in just as two lumpy, pink haired people put forward their idea for beef jerky and snacks that could be sold at festivals, gyms…anywhere come to think of it. I know they haven’t made a massive turnover and yes, they had stupid hair, but the way the horrific shower of suited cunts behind their fucking table looked at them made me want to murder the fucking lot of them. Based on the sneering look from one turd alone, I would happily tie the lot of them up, murder their parents in front of them one by one and then sodomise the corpses. Utter, utter cuntfaced bastards. I would then shit in their mouths and give all their money to the poor saps with the pink hair.
    I am very angry today, I have child germs and want to kill. Kill I say!

  9. Swineshead Says:

    You shouldn’t be a allowed to be a teacher with a potty mouth like that one there – there on your fass.

  10. piqued Says:

    I nearly chewed my fucking fist off when ‘Johnny Depp’ attempted a Pirates of the Caribbean impression. As for David Bleckham and Will Smeeth, Christ wept, what a fucking pathetic idea, what on earth was dickface even thinking about investing in that barely concealed prostitution service type thing.

  11. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    That said, I’d happily hire a Sandra Bullock look-a-like for a night out. If it turned out to be, as Piqued suggests, a prostitution service.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    How much for the Martine McCutcheon one? I reckon you’d have to pay double for a go on the Lawson.

  13. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Mark Lawson? Out of my league, I’m afraid. God alone knows what fortunes he’d charge to let you rub your old fella across that bulbous bald head whilst he looks on in disgust with those ghastly boggle-eyes of his.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Nigella, you berk. or her dad.

  15. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Now you’re talking! I’d pay at least forty five pounds for a night of economic fun ‘n’ games with that Lawson character. Shame he’s lost most of his blubber, mind. As for his daughter – if milking’s on the cards, there’s no ceiling on the price I’d pay.

  16. Swineshead Says:

    Even for a looky likey as proposed by the Beckham-alike?

  17. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Oh hang on. I’ve moved on to nights of fun and milking with the real Lawsons (not Mark o’course – far too expensive). For fake ones:

    Nigel – £5
    Nigella – Up to £20 depending on pintage

  18. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Maybe even as much as £25. Obviously, this would be on the agreement that I wasn’t just restricted to the fore-decks, but was granted full access to the forecastle and forward hold.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    I suspect you of being the type who hoardes ‘real dolls’ in his attic space.

  20. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    P’raps £5 extra for a tour of the captain’s quarters.

  21. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’d only want a Real Doll if it was headless.

  22. Swineshead Says:

    How long have you been awake now?

  23. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Since Sunday. Feeling very very bad indeed. Guts ‘n’ stuff. Yaargh.

  24. mostlylouche Says:

    Isn’t it a bit shit these days? They turn the studio lights up so much that the people appearing sweat like old ham and the dragons are too comfortable in their position. I’d like someone to go on and ask the Dragons about their clever ideas.

    Peter Jones needs to be stabbed in the forehead for his ‘I’m good looking and rich’ remark.

    I used to love this show and now it’s old and past it. It’s like meeting up with an old girlfriend to discover she has lost all her teeth and now has a collection of spiderweb tattoos. It might have been good once, but it’s no longer special.

    (I still would mind)

  25. Badger Madge Says:

    My friend admitted to me yesterday that she really fancies Bannatyne. Paphitis I can understand (his brooding greek looks and stealy-eyed expressions), but Bannatyne? He looks like he should be modelling polo necks and chunky-knits for some horrible older man catalogue.

  26. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    At least you ladies have got a few to choose from Badger. Us chaps only have that Meadon character to concentrate on. Believe you me, it takes an iron will and a healthy imagination to squeeze even an ounce of eroticism out of that trout-faced old hag. Still managed it, mind.

  27. piqued Says:

    The David Bleckham ‘lookalike’ was accurate in one respect, he was as thick as a bulls dick

  28. Badger Madge Says:

    as i said on my blog (shameless plug), he’s certainly as eloquent (“I can’t speak!”)

  29. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I thought the supposed Will Smith looked a bit more like that Alvin Hall financial advisor person. Talking of look-a-likes, has anyone noticed the striking similarities between Lucy, Ian Beale’s daughter, and Jimmy Carr?

  30. Swineshead Says:

    You’ve got a point there. Luckily she’s not a casual racist like the rubbish Jimmy Carr.

  31. Badger Madge Says:

    will smith could have also doubled-up as samuel l jackson imo

  32. Swineshead Says:

    Look – pink quiff man is reading WWM!


    *waves at pink quiff man*

    *exposes anus*

  33. Schmedie Says:

    new here, been laughing a lot at your comments, thanks.
    Can’t wait to see Dragons reaction when they’re presented with a Youdoodoll on Monday. A small canvas doll with the face of a Dragon, surely they’ll see funny side, they’re such amusing people (or not)

  34. Swineshead Says:

    I predict that Peter Jones will vomit on his lap the minute he sees the Yoodoo and Meaden will spontaneously combust

  35. scoobydoo Says:

    for quality snacks:


    not a pink quiff in sight!

    remember folks you dont make friends with salad.

  36. Schmedie Says:

    spontaneous combustion on TV, should be good…

  37. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I prefer Pepperamis.

  38. Schmedie Says:

    blimey, she invested…..

  39. Beck Says:

    My boyfriend said to me a few weeks ago that Lucy Beale looks and acts like Jimmy Carr so I googled it and it seems we are not the only ones to think so! Totally bizarre!

  40. Swineshead Says:

    Fucking nora – that is spot on… Maybe she’s Carr in drag…

  41. Sitemap Says:



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