How To Have Sex After Marriage


Bride and groom 

Last night I got drunk. Not only did this result in me taking my better half’s keys with me to work by mistake, locking her in the flat like some possessive psychopath and ruining her morning, it also meant that I watched this rubbish last night while round at my mate’s hovel. The subsequent review might be tarnished by my wobbly view and the Grolsch windscreen I watched it through.

From what I could gather, a married couple sat about and suffered an interview situation where three ‘experts’ (Christ alone knows what they’re experts in) assessed their problems. The first test of their relationship seemed simplistic to the power of a bajillion. They scored one another on big flip-pads out of ten on three fronts: interestingness, looks and sexual attraction.

Problems, for me, kick in at this point. For a start, Channel 5 are actively grinding years of marriage guidance counselling into a five minute sequence in which a hapless couple of berks, usually working in marketing or PR, make tits of themselves with magic markers on an almost-unwatched terrestial channel. Also – if they get a mark of five or lower for more than two of the three topics, are as yet unmarried and without offspring – surely the best advice is to tell them to split the fuck up? Being with someone you find boring and don’t fancy seems to be a bit of a pointless exercise, and no amount of televised activity is likely to help. You’d need a brainwasher to aid the situation, not a two-bit Channel 5 ‘expert’. It riles me, this rubbish, it really does.

They marked each other and didn’t get above five for any of the criteria, had a little cry then were separated for a week. It was in their week apart that we watched them find themselves with an expert each.

First up, the bloke did some manly things to assert his inner-bear. He swang from trees like a monkey, climbed a ladder and did other physical things, all whilst bizarrely sporting a leather jacket. Clearly image comes before performance in his worldview. The fact that he looked like a flabby Ian Beale is clearly beside the point. Obviously, any manliness he felt he’d built up from all this was kind of absorbed and spoilt by the fact that he admitted, on television, that he is completely squashed like a wingless gnat beneath his lady’s domineering thumb, the ponce.

In order to rid herself of her violent oppressive tendencies, his no-longer-beloved spent a bit of time learning how to be submissive (believe me, it’s not worth saying ‘ooer’ – she didn’t put on a French maid’s outfit or anything). The process entailed making dinner for an actor and being polite to him for a WHOLE afternoon. Bound to reverse an entire personality disorder, eh? She then went and tried on some lingerie with a woman who, if she didn’t have fake jubblies, definitely had a VERY supportive bra. Tits and thumb-woman swished around in the pants department of a rubbish shop and looked like they were as clueless as to what anything in the universe actually meant as the viewer was.

Finally, the couple went on their reconciliatory date after their obligatory established-reality-television-process makeovers. These makeovers were wholly unsuccessful, I ought to add, with the girl ending up looking like a flamenco dancer who’d let herself go and him resembling a randy 80s undertaker. When they kissed, I myself was almost reunited with the premium strength lager I’d poured onto an empty belly, in the form of sick. They snogged like truanting children, tongues flapping about and lips slobbering all over one another’s filtrum.

They said the sex that followed was ‘explosive’ in the final wrap-up, marking each other around the ‘8’ and ‘9’ mark in all criteria, not realising that this could only really be very much a temporary restoration of their relationship’s spark. Seeing as they were separated for a week and talked solidly about sex for those seven days, they were bound to have had a fumble. The pressure was immense – if they’d have bottled it and spent the night sexless they’d seem even more ridiculous than they already did. And on the telly n’all.

Really, judging by the way they dribbled over each other and fumbled and tugged during the snogging scene, they really need to look at their technique, above all else. Doctor Swineshead wouldn’t have bothered with the makeover, manliness training or lingerie shopping. He’d have prescribed hardcore, European SEXPORN to mend their ways. Watch and learn kiddies.

They’d be taking part in group DPs and experimenting with glory holes in no time, the slags.

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31 Responses to “How To Have Sex After Marriage”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    This articles stimulated masses of debate which is ALWAYS good to see.

  2. Dave Medlo Says:

    I always went on the theory that if you’re genuinely having relationship trouble within your marriage you should go see a professional, not a professional on TV.

    By both halves of the couple agreeing to be in this show they have already proved their compatibility, after all – where else would you find another moronic fuckwit who has so little respect for you and themselves that they’re prepared to consult a CHANNEL 5 reality show?

    Who cares about the sex? You should just be thankful that you’ve found another human being as retarded as you.

    Debate enough for you?

  3. jasonspaced Says:

    I didn’t watch it – not that that normally stops me from having an opinion. I was watching Alpha Dog on DVD. It was quite good. Eat your heart out Barry Norman.

  4. jasonspaced Says:

    Did you deliberately miss out the apostrophe s on ‘articles’ to try and rile Napoleon?

  5. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – thanks.

    Jason – I did notice but couldn’t be arsed changing it. It’s only Piqued that gets picked up on it as those two do like a flirt, eh what?

  6. piqued Says:


  7. jasonspaced Says:

    Indeed they do. You can smell the sexual tension over in Bahrain when those two enter a thread.

  8. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Jasonspaced – I only single Piqued out for special attention because he’s the king of blithering idiots at the top of a heap of blithering idiots. I’d get nothing done if I had to tirelessly correct the idiot fumblings through our language you lot call grammar. Just remember that when I criticise a hapless dreg like Piqued, I’m having a go at the rest of you detritus with fuck all better to do as well. And Piqued has got gigantic tits and a big bank account so it’s best to keep ‘rubbing his ego’, don’t forget that.

    No offence, like.

  9. piqued Says:

    I do not have a big bank account NC, I can barely afford sausages and broccoli and the ingredients for my gourmet standard roux

    Granted, I do have a pair of norks that would make Kerry Katona physically sick on her guts with envy, you can have that

    Fancy a go on one?

  10. Mr Chipz Says:

    I didn’t watch any of it because my freeview box has died. But I’m imagining a flabby Ian Beal and a flamenco dancer what’s let herself go. I just dun a spunk.

  11. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Kerry Katona’s life could only be improved by her being humanely destroyed by a rat-catcher and his trusty shovel. For a visual example of how Kerry Katona should be killed, see the end of Ring Of Bright Water, where a farmer smacks the otter over the head with a big spade. I’d save her tits, mind. They could be hung off John Merrick’s skeleton and shown to horrified children as an example of what happens to you if you turn your back on Jesus.

  12. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Note the teacher has just shoe-horned the fact he’s only got a Freeview box into his last comment? Note how the underhanded swine’s trying to insinuate his way into our sympathies? By using the old Freeview ruse (Oh I’m so poor! I can’t afford proper cable! Oh, hard is the life of a teacher!), he’s actually pointing out how poorly paid he is. Well! Never forget these bastards get two hundred weeks holiday a year, and then lie and call these holidays ‘marking’. Never forget that their idea of work is carving leaf shapes out of potatoes to keep five year olds amused until the parents can leave work! You want more pay? Get a job, you lazy parasite!

    No offence Chipz, obviously.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    Also, he probably makes children run around parks in their pants as he shouts at them. At midnight in winter. The bastard.

  14. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Yeah, that too. Bastard!

    And what about the fucking nurses?


  15. Swineshead Says:

    All too busy having sex and spreading MRSA (whatever that is) to children with their grubby hands covered in fecal matter and mucus.

  16. Swineshead Says:

    (The bastards)

  17. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    BASTARDS! I knew there was something grubby about those buggers, knew it! Is there some sort of petition to get the wages of teachers and nurses SLASHED? These idle wastrels should get less of our money, not more. Eh?


  18. Swineshead Says:

    What about the dustmen? They’re always flinging my bin into next doors garden the bastards. And they stink of rotting hulk. And they’re all half asleep and probably Romany types.

  19. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I don’t trust Gypsies in general. Or the Irish. Or women.


  20. Swineshead Says:

    My, how this discussion has degenerated.
    I’m off home for kievs and chips.


  21. Mr Chipz Says:

    Kievs? Fuck me, I dream of kievs. All I can afford is lentils and rancid meat out the skip round the back of Netto. And yes, I do make them run around in their pants, and what of it? It did me no harm at all that wasn’t put right in a four year spell in Broadmoor. Anyway, sod the nurses, I got genital warts off of one of them.

  22. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’m afraid I have a confession to make. I had … don’t know how to put this … might as well just bite the bullet … here we go …


    I’ll burn in hell for this.

  23. Swineshead Says:

    This confession is useless unless you give us a comparison with Matthews output. Marks out of ten for each, please.

  24. piqued Says:

    I’ve enjoyed a Tesco Chicken Kiev in the past (you don’t need the ‘s’) and I’m sure you’ll agree that in addition to being a tasty treat you’re not contributing to the coiffures of a fat/thin cunt whose hobby is making outbreaks of Avian ‘flu.

    You are, however, assisting in swelling the already vast bank balance of that fucking cunt Dame Shirley Porter who should’ve been banged up for the homes for votes scandal, but being a friend of that even bigger cunt Thatcher, got away with it.

    You poor sod, what ever you do is inherently wrong, you sir, are a walking disaster area.

    Let me soothe you with one of my teats.

  25. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    The TESCO kiev was rubbish.

    As for all that other stuff you wrote, sorry but I couldn’t be arsed to read it.

  26. megan marshall Says:

    have you guys never heard of the telephone!!!!, u know the thing you use to have “idle” chit chat , or mayby you feel letting the world wide web in on your “childish” chit chat somehow makes you important ……….hmmmmmmmmmm NOT!!!!

  27. Swineshead Says:

    It would seem that your the mug, Meg, as you bothered to read our idle chat. You goon.

  28. megan Says:


  29. Panties Says:

    I love pictures like this. Panties and lingerie pictures get me hot!

  30. Marta Says:

    Funny stuff about marriage 🙂

  31. Wellington accommodation Says:

    Wellington accommodation…

    […]How To Have Sex After Marriage « Watch With Mothers[…]…

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