TRESemmé

by

 Ricardo the scary man

This fucking disgraceful advert has appeared on our screens. It’s so insufferable, it makes the Picture a Loan advert as joyous as being fellated by Nigella Lawson (I’ve seen the way she eats food) with Natasha Kaplinsky going cockadoodle-do on my face.

Due to its audacity, its sheer mind-bending shitness, one spends a good five minutes following it with one’s jaw dropped, trying to work out if you’ve just actually seen it or not. It’s so surreally outdated, it’s like you’ve just awoken in front of a crackling TV in a safe house in 70s Belarus after being drugged and kidnapped by a Ukrainian gang. It’s so impossibly vacuous, banal, witless, doltish, obtuse, etc… that writing this short piece for WWM may be the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

The advert is also properly terrifying.

The ‘vert starts off with a bird walking into a white hairdressing salon who we’re informed is called Georgia Goodall, the Beauty Editor with Reveal magazine. Presumably this is justification for the shitfest that is to shortly follow? Well, no. Being the Beauty Editor for Reveal magazine isn’t really pertinent to anything. What’s Reveal magazine for a start? What the fuck does a Beauty Editor edit? Zits? Beards on women? Balls?

So, before we’ve even cut to the gist of the advert, I’ve gone from a normal, upright position on my couch to a ball of confusion peering at the TV like a spooked Meercat. Goodall is attractive enough in a mumsy sort of way, but the words all spilling from her gob have baffled me to such an extent, I’d not turn a hair if she appeared singing ‘We are the World’ dressed in bondage gear jamming her mimsy with a packet of Fruit Pastilles, though I may be inclined to buy Fruit Pastilles…

Goodall appears to be trying to sell us some shampoo, I can hear ‘leading salon brands’, ‘half the price’, ‘out-performs’ and some ethereal music when all of a sudden a tiny red haired tranny bursts out of the wall behind the Goodall, runs at her like Alien exiting John Hurt’s chest and attempts to grab the product from her meaty fist.

The creature, a sort of tiny pink version of Cory from Slipknot begins squeaking in a barely discernable accent whilst gurning in my horrified face.

I tolds you befores darlink dis is salon quality eets honly for pro-fesheonarls’ it speaks. The head of the creature darts to and fro and wobbles in the camera eye, before strutting off like a downsy Mick Jagger.

With my mouth open wide, ready to retch out my toenails, a part of my brain is activated. Maybe it was a childhood nightmare, a ghost story told to me by my granny at dusk of such magnificent hideousness that my premature brain had buried it deep in my psyche, but I recognised the creature…

If your stomach and tolerance can face it, see it here. These days when it comes on TV I’m out the door running to the nearest pub in order to quell the memory before it over powers my delicate grasp of reality.

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12 Responses to “TRESemmé”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    OOOOH TRESEMME, TRESEMME

  2. piqued Says:

    Surely you either have a semi or a fully engorged bonk-on, you can’t have a very semi can you?

    Or can you?

    Can ewe

    u

  3. Rosszszsss Says:

    The midget gnome man is the ‘star’ of reality TV ‘phenomenon’ The Salon off of about three years ago. I reckon it costs them about a fiver to get him for the advert.

  4. piqued Says:

    Nice to know that TREsemme have their zeitgeisty fingers on da pulse, the shower of shits

  5. Clair Says:

    They tried to get Raymond ‘Mr Teasy-Weasy’ for the ad, you know.

  6. Mr Chipz Says:

    My dear boy, I totally agree. The ad is shit beyond measure. It justifies my hatred of the bastard industry that fleeces my girlfriend at every step of the way with their overpricing and pseudo-scientific claims. It’s fucking toss, the lot of it.

    I’d just like to add though that it’s not quite as shit as Kate fucking Nash. Kate Nash is shit in a way this ad could never be. I have to turn my radio off if she comes on. Have you listened to the ‘lyrics’ for ‘mouthwash’? Have you?! God it makes me angry…

  7. Swineshead Says:

    Nash is the most annoying person in this world. But I would say that as I have eaten lots of lemons so I must be quite bih-er

  8. Mr Chipz Says:

    That’s not all. Apparently she has a face, it’s covered in freckles, the occasional spot and some veins. Furthermore, and here’s a shocker, she has a bo-o-o-deeeee, covered in skin (SKIN!), and you CAN’T SEE SOME OF IT.
    I heard her speak on the radiogram, she’s as cockney as the Queen’s clit.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    I’d never even imagined the queen had a clit. What a mind-boggling image.

    Where the fuck is piqued today?

  10. Dave Medlo Says:

    Georgia Goodall looks more like a man than the man who everyone thinks is a woman. When your gender is improved by a hysterically unfamous tranny you know it’s time to stop claiming to be a beauty editor…

    Imagine; you die and ascend to heaven where you meet St Peter at the Pearly Gates. “Well” he asks “what did you do with your time on earth? Did you spend your life well, living a full one and experiencing the broad spectrum of Gods beautiful world?”

    “I told people that they were ugly” she replies “and spend most of my life hawking chemical products for people to put on their heads. Does that count?”

    Boom. And down to hell she goes.

  11. lilz Says:

    i agree completely that man scares the shit out of me. but the shampoo is still good

  12. angry birds t shirts for kids Says:

    angry birds t shirts for kids…

    […]TRESemmé « Watch With Mothers[…]…

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