Kate Nash – Mouthwash

by

Nash 

Kate Nash…Kate, Kate, Kate. What can I say?

First off, I have to say I’ve only heard two of your songs, so there’s a chance (a fucking remote one, but a chance nonetheless) that the rest of your musical arsenal will contradict everything I’m about to say. But I doubt it.

I’ve heard these two songs because I listen to XFM, an ‘alternative’ radio station. Not as alternative as it used to be, judging by Kate’s recent arrival onto the airwaves. Kate is another member of the recent herd of female singer-songwriters who have, frankly, made me hate women. No, that’s too strong. They’ve just made me hate THEM.

The first one I heard was ‘Foundations’. A dreadful song about a spoilt little bitch who enjoys being fucking horrible to her boyfriend and somehow (in a way, let’s be honest, that most men will recognise) make out it’s all his fault in the first place. She screeches in the least convincing regional accent I’ve ever heard apart from that fucking chim-er-ney sweep in Mary bastard Poppins.

The accent she tries, if you haven’t heard it, is cockney. Only it’s not cockney at all, it’s what middle class children who are embarrassed about having a received English accent think is cockney. People often refer to it as ‘mockney’, I prefer to think of it as ‘cuntspeak’.

In this dreadful, dreadful self-pitying song she admits that the story she’s telling in the pub is boring, but then rounds on her poor boyfriend for putting up for it for ages before trying to change the subject. He was saving you love. No-one around the table liked your story and he was trying to move on as he could see the sideways glances your mutual friends were giving each other, and he was embarrassed for you. He claims at one point that she must eat an awful lot of lemons as she’s rather bitter, to which her witty (and entirely irrelevant, juvenile and brattish) retort is, “I’d rather be with your frendz mayte, cuz they are mach fittah!”. Dreadful bitch. I’m assured that this song is a ‘floor filler’ for the young ladies at the discothèque, which doesn’t surprise me. It just adds to the already steaming pile of lady-favourites such as ‘I Will Survive’ and anything by Lily Allen which show that a lot of women empathise with self-pitying crap bleated by spoilt little madams.

The song that she has on the radio at the moment is called ‘Mouthwash’. I’ve heard it a couple of times because, if it comes on when I’m in the bath, I don’t bother turning it off, unlike at any other time when it doesn’t get past the first two bars.

I don’t understand this song at all. Not one bit of it. I don’t know all the lyrics, but a fair few have made their way into my brain like an illegal immigrant with plans of racial unrest and terrorism and detonated a shit bomb within, leaving lasting damage. This is what I can glean from the song:

She has a face, it is covered in freckles, the occasional spot, and some veins.

Furthermore, she has a bo-o-o-deeeeee. It’s covered in skin. Skin I tell you! Not all of it you can seeee.

She drinks tea.

She uses mouthwash.

Sometimes she flosses.

I shit you not. That’s what the song is about. Yet she sings it in the character of a tragic Eliza Doolittle (prior to getting porked by Professor ‘Iggins). You can just imagine her looking pained while banging away at a piano like the bastard sister of Tori Amos.

Why are these silly, silly girls getting record contracts? There are young women out there with something to sing about, in their own fucking voices, whether they be cockney, scouse, brum, Geordie, taff, jock or just some middle class type from North London. There’s really nothing wrong with being Middle Class, Kate. Middle Class people are allowed to have opinions too, and singing a load of old cock with a fake accent doesn’t make it any less of a load of old cock.

Kate Nash: She’s well shit.

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70 Responses to “Kate Nash – Mouthwash”

  1. wally bazoom Says:

    If nothing else, Kate Nash seems to be a useful receptacle for hatred. Someone should manufacture a pinata with her face on. Teach kids how what women are really about.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Teach kids what? How?

  3. Who Says:

    OMG, I was like, it’s like, well good, I’ve gotta faimilee, I’m like, it’s totally, like brilliant

  4. Mr Chipz Says:

    That’s a bit drastic wally bazoom. I would never advocate advocate violence against women.
    (although consensual flogging with a cat-o-nine tails is jolly good fun and should be tried at least once)

  5. Mr Chipz Says:

    That’s two ‘advocates’ in case you’re wondering. So good I had to say it twice.

  6. wally bazoom Says:

    You aren’t giving your consent to domestic violence administered by legal speakers. And that’s fine, who would?

    To be fair though, if you stick a woman’s face on straw donkey, it doesn’t make the straw donkey a woman. If it was the case, I would’ve lost my virginity aged 9, and there would be no more arguments about that, thank you very much.

  7. mostlylouche Says:

    She has very glossy hair, probably from eating all those (or as she would say them) jellied eels.

  8. Badger Madge Says:

    here are the lyrics to my next song. tell me what you think:

    “I use shower gel. and shampoo. and conditioner.
    and then i get out of the shower and brush my teeth.
    i don’t use mouthwash
    because my dentist told me not to.
    but i do use those teeny tiny tooth brushes
    for inbetween my teeth.

    then i do my makeup,
    and then i do my hair.
    and then i put some gunk in it,
    before getting dressed.
    and then i have some breakfast,
    but only if there’s time.
    and then i leave for work.”

    cracking, great?

  9. Andrew Collins Says:

    You’re all wrong.

  10. jasonspaced Says:

    No, Andrew. They couldn’t be any righter if Mr Right McRight, the esteemed leader of the Right Party, was to stand on a soap box in Hyde Park proclaiming their rightness through a loudhaler built entirely from truth.

  11. Mr Chipz Says:

    Andrew…Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. We are right. We are always right. Except about it being a good idea to mate a sheep with a pig to make the Ultimate Meat. I was wrong about that.

  12. Who Says:

    Sometimes I have cornflakes
    Sometimes I have bread toasted
    I like some juice too
    Then for my dinner I have some chicken that has been roasted

    Damn I’m good, I mean wicked.

  13. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Never heard of her

  14. piqued Says:

    Nor have I

  15. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Because you’re old. You’re an old man. If you find this woman attractive, you’re a nonce, grandad.

  16. imtheotherdave Says:

    Still, better than Mike Skinner, eh?

  17. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Who’s Mike Skinner? What’s going on here? Talk about Hawkwind!

  18. Dave Medlo Says:

    She’s fucking awful. No sarcasm, no hyperbole, no clever wording. She’s just fucking awful. The first time I heard her I thought she was a spoof.

  19. bree Says:

    amongst my less violent group of friends we’ve begun to greet one another with ‘kate nash must die’.

    lately katie melua’s mentioned, too, but that’s a whole other bag of shit tricks. still, they clearly work together on the putting crap lyrics together thing. i believe katie melua’s new song has such lyrical fascinations as ‘If you were a cowboy, I would trail you, If you were a piece of wood, I’d nail you to the floor, If you were a sailboat, I would sail you to the shore’.

    imizing.

  20. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    That Katie Melua song stinks. Katie Melua should be burned at the stake for being a witch.

  21. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’d just like to interrupt this pointless discussion to announce that I’ve become a pornographer. My dirty XXX cock-rotting boobenfest is here – http://nigellainbeans.blogspot.com/ – and has already been voted the internet’s worst erotic experience by readers of Nobbing magazine. That’s publicity you can’t buy. Enjoy, you deviant, hell-bound sinners. Thanks.

  22. Who Says:

    When will the Nigella in Beans t shirts be ready? Mine is a 58GGG chest size pls – send it to my ewsual address.

    It is a well good blog and I done a vote too

  23. piqued Says:

    You shameless plagiarist plugging shit…

    If you want to know the truth about this site follow the discussion here…

    http://piqued.wordpress.com/2007/10/29/i-dont-like-mungz/#comments

    …and learn how he STOLE my Nigella. Thug

  24. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Sour grapes, I fancy. As the official owner of the Nigella In Beans concept – http://nigellainbeans.blogspot.com/ – I’d just like to denounce Piqued as a Satanist of the worst sort.

    Who – thanks for your support. Thanks to deviant scratters such as yourself, Nigella In Beans has already shot up to the 4095th position in today’s Porn That Leaves You Cold And Angry Chart. Hopefully we’ll be able to knock Glitterballs (a monstrous Euro-porn sump featuring close-up photographs of paedophile 1970s Leader of the Pack© Gary ‘Gravy’ Glitter’s balls) off the top spot. Cheers Who, you perverted monster.

  25. Tav Says:

    Kate Nash is hot, talented, smart, funny and gonna do great. Simple fact is you people couldn’t see talent if it was in your faces. Matter of fact I’ll bet ye all, no infact I guarantee none of ye will ever get anywhere near to what she’s achieved. Unfortunatly ye have nothing better to do than take others down cos ye can’t get up yourselves. FACT!

  26. jasonspaced Says:

    Did Tav time travel in from the Middle Ages to deliver that ringing endorsement of Kate? Ye this, ye that.

    I’m not actually sure what she’s achieved yet, so it’s hard to gauge whether I’ll ever get near to her in terms of achieving. But, given that I was told I was “grossly underachieving” in my school report on numerous occasions, I think Tav is probably spot on.

    She’s still shit though.

  27. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Forsooth! Verily, Tav, thou hast hit the nail on the heade with thy blistering comments, i’faith! ‘Tis true that the knaves that write this site are jealous devils … but odd’s bodkins! Thou hast forgotten one FACT – We are all Moors, and we have travelled many moons to reach thy island kingdom. So having a go at us makes thee a fucking racist, egad.

  28. Mr Chipz Says:

    Prithee Tav, have ye ever mette Kate Nashe? She is bye far ye most tawdree hagge I did ever meet. Her voyce be most fayke, she doth wish to sound lyke a fishewyffe of ye worste kynd. I have it pon goode authority that her mynge be blacke and fulle fowle of fyngle-rashe. A pox on her fowle songges, they werre surely shat out by the devilles arse.

  29. piqued Says:

    Thy Laddy Nash shoulde be hanged for beeing a wytch then her carcass bernt to a crispe in the cleansing flames of the Catholik pyre

  30. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Stringe her up!

  31. piqued Says:

    HAY GUYZ I BET KATE NASHES MOUTHWARSH IS WARM SPERMS AHAHAHAHAHAASDG

  32. Tav Says:

    Pity no1’s laughing wit u Piqued. Unlucky there boy. Racist? As Alex Turner in the arctic monkeys would say ‘whatever people say I am, thats what I’m not’. Came from the movie saturday night and sunday morning ladies and gents. I like Kate. Irish people usually hate that accent but me and people I know think it’s sexy. She’s had a number 2 in Britian, number 8 in Ireland and number 1 in Croatia. Fair play to her. Sorry I don’t speak the queens propper english! Jasonspaced you should try harder so. Stay in school!

  33. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Hold onto your hats, folks! We’re up against someone who can quote someone who can quote a character in an Albert Finney movie! This’ll take evasive kitchen sink action!

    “You see something and you go out and get it. It’s as simple as that.” – Frank Machin, This Sporting Life

    En guarde!

  34. Swineshead Says:

    I am too weak, I can only, with my dying breath, muster a line from an Albert Finney theatre role…

    ‘London’s a big place, Mr Shadrack. A man could lose himself in…. urgh’

    *dies in battle*

  35. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    We’re losin’ Musketeers ‘ere! Piqued, you bastard, unsheath your sword and join the fray, sir!

    “Don’t let yourself down.” – Jimmy Porter, Look Back In Anger

    *sidesteps vicious thrust whilst uncorking bottle of tokay with teeth*

  36. piqued Says:

    *swips downward stroke mid air*

    Yar! etc.,

    Billy Liar…”Today’s a day of big decisions – going to start writing me novel – 2000 words every day, going to start getting up in the morning”

    *covers mouth with cape*

  37. Tav Says:

    Anyway cheerio. Say what ye wanna say about me or kate. Doesn’t bother me. Simple fact is you guys are all nothings like myself and she has succeeded. Love to c ye get a top 5 in the british charts. Never say never I guess.

  38. piqued Says:

    Bye Tav, wuv oo

  39. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Aaaah, that ol’ chestnut – if you ain’t famous, you ain’t nothing. Well done, Tav, great observation there. I’ll be sure to mention to the guys that get up at shit o’clock in the morning to empty our bins and keep our streets free of vermin that they are, unfortunately, nothing. And if only the surgeon that put together my other half’s shattered leg hadn’t wasted his time at medical school, and had instead put his efforts into breaking into the dizzy world of pop mediocrity, he could have been a somebody – a waste!

    Cheers Tav, you blithering idiot.

  40. Tav Says:

    Oh ya being famous is sooooooooooooooo important. Of courseits not. Whats sad tho is ye will try take someone off their peak because it makes ye feel good. I admire ye as humans, ye aren’t nothing and if thats how it came accross well then my apologees. Anyway being alive is a success in itself in my opinion. I just think ye should’nt say such horrible things about the girl until you know her personally. But that aint entertaining enough is it?

  41. piqued Says:

    Tav, fuck off love, there’s a good girl. This isn’t for you

  42. imtheotherdave Says:

    I often feel that Disco Duck, like Nash, is unfairly critiqued by the bitter unknowns of this world. Get yourselves onto a Cheggers Choice compilation before you attack these talented demi-gods for our times. Disco duck isn’t even alive, may I add, and he’s still more of a success than any of you guys will be – even if he is forever in the shadow of Howard, the bastard prima donna.

  43. Napoleon Calling Says:

    “I just think ye should’nt say such horrible things about the girl until you know her personally”

    Y’know, he’s got a point there? From now on I’m not going to say a word against Robert Mugabe until I’ve made the effort to meet him.

  44. wally bazoom Says:

    Are you actually comparing Mugabe to Kate Nash? Is that actually what you’re doing?

    I mean – really?

  45. Swineshead Says:

    He’s not, he’s disproving Tav’s logic with an extreme example IT’S OBVIOUS

  46. wally bazoom Says:

    Being logical doesn’t necessarily make it sensible though, does it? I mean, Kate Nash sang some songs, they’re not very good, chill out about it, yeah? It doesn’t call for insults. When she starts killing loads of Africans, then you can get stuck in. Until that grim inevitability occurs, it’s not really justified.

  47. Swineshead Says:

    I haven’t insulted Kate Nash, personally.

  48. wally bazoom Says:

    And I’ve never kicked a dog to death – you don’t hear me going around bragging about it, do you? Take note.

  49. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Wally, you’re being a buffoon. If I’d wanted to compare Robert Mugabe to Kate Nash, I’d have written:

    “Robert Mugabe is like Kate Nash.”

    Tav’s twisted logic is that you can’t knock ’em till you’ve got to know ’em. That ill-considered piece of Forrest Gumpyness means you can’t knock ANYYONE who’s ever lived, unless you’ve had past acquaintence. I could have used Elvis, Hitler, Ghenghis Khan, Michael Barrymore, anybody as examples – it doesn’t matter. I chose Mugabe to show how fucking stupid that old ‘you shouldn’t make judgements’ argument actually is.

  50. Swineshead Says:

    You don’t hear me going about telling people not to insult people they’ve not insulted though, do you? Think on.

  51. wally bazoom Says:

    Mmm, I understood that the first time.

    My point, which admittadly was expressed wit more subtley than yours, so I can see why you may have missed it (I like to grant my audience with some intelligence), was that while Mugabe would be a reasonable target for hatred, the whole Kate Nash thing might be a bit disproportionate. Being that she is an utterly forgettable singer in the charts, and nothing else. Shit, doubtless, but inoffensively so. I’m not even sure if I’ve even heard one of her songs ever in my life. They don’t play her on radio 4, I don’t think.

  52. wally bazoom Says:

    “You don’t hear me going about telling people not to insult people they’ve not insulted though, do you? Think on.”

    You don’t hear me do it, either.

    I am great.

  53. piqued Says:

    ‘which admittadly was expressed wit more subtley than yours’

    Even if this was the case it was certainly better spelt

  54. Swineshead Says:

    Wally – how is this new advocacy role in the Hades department going for you?

  55. wally bazoom Says:

    “Even if this was the case it was certainly better spelt”

    Grow up?

  56. Swineshead Says:

    Very mature, Wally.

  57. piqued Says:

    *bursts into tears*

    I H8 u

  58. wally bazoom Says:

    There, there, don’t worry about it. We all make errors from time to time. Some of us just do it more than others, and look more foolish as a result.

    I forgive you.

  59. piqued Says:

    *kicks Wally in shins*

    I WANT SOME FUCKING SWEETS

  60. wally bazoom Says:

    It’s good in here, eh? I’m glad I’m typing this.

  61. Sarah Says:

    Thank you all, that’s the best laugh I’ve had in ages reading that! Proper cheered up my morning!

  62. Tav Says:

    Wow sarah must be very dull or suming if ye’ve made her day. No offence sarah. Well actually ya I do mean to offend. You know whats sad is you boys insult anyone who disagrees. Simple fact is tho Kate has a record deal and is selling records and none of ye are. Piqued i am a guy you dimwit. And besides thinking about it I’M ONLY KEEPING YE HAPPY BY DEBATING. SO ENJOY YOUR LITTLE BITCHATHON LADIES AND GENTS CAUSE REALLY WE HAVE SOME PEOPLE HERE WHO’S PARENTS DIDNT LOVE THEM ENOUGH CLEARLY. hAVE A NICE DAY 🙂

  63. Mr Chipz Says:

    I think must eat so many lemons, because you are so bittah.

  64. Sarah Says:

    Tav, Tav, Tav, am I dull? or do I have a strange sense of humour? Strange sense of humour?… certainly, dull…? possibly! But Bless you for your concern, I’m flattered.

  65. lilz Says:

    she doesnt admit that her story in the pub is boring. she says HE finds it boring. sorry slight technical hitch.

  66. wenchie Says:

    kate nash rocks my world. If only because listening to a bonifide limey sing in a limey way gets me all hot and lesbionic. if I could get a three way with her and mike skinner, I would be in heaven.

    however, you want to talk about songs that make no sense, try the majority of the white album. jaded brits.

  67. elasticwaistbandlady Says:

    I like Pumpkin Soup. Ummm, and that’s about it.

    The real target of my eye-rolling and gagging reflexes comes courtesy of Katie Melua.

    “If you were a sailboat I would sail you to the shore. If you were a piece of wood, I’d nail you to the floor.”

    Worst. Lyrics. Ever.

  68. hank gambale Says:

    I hope Kate Nash dies from a severe organ malfunction

  69. daveselectricblanket Says:

    ‘a severe organ malfunction’

    AKA death.

  70. Ed Says:

    WTF, Poor girl… sounds like she has been fucked to hard to often. Great music, crap lyrics… She needs true Love, makes me cry………

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