Birds Eye

by

‘Why is the sky blue?’

That opening question seizes the attention. It’s a grabber. I’m in their world. I want to know what’s going on.

The whole family sits around the table, as families never, ever do these days unless they’ve just defrosted an Iceland Frozen Christmas Dinner Special. The girl answers the query effortlessly, impatiently even. The family are quizzing the daughter of this happy crew on matters of natural science – clearly she has a biology mock coming up – so they’re encouraging her learning as they dine. Marvellous.

But, hold up! Who’s doing the quizzing now? Why it’s only the original ‘Nutty Boy’ himself – Graham ‘Suggs’ McPherson! Y’know – the bloke from Madness! He did that annoying version of Cecilia. And the awful song about Camden. He was in Madness!
Baggy Trousers! Baggy Trousers! THAT’S the one! I likes driving in me car – honk honk toot toot!

So – why is Suggs round the table? And how comes he’s testing the young lady on three things a plant needs for photosynthesis? CHRIST ALONE KNOWS.

The next question comes from the lad. He wants answers about something to do with Omega 3 oils – those things fish have coarsing through their gills that put hairs on your chest and a zing in your pecker. Oh blimey. Dad starts ticking down time with his fingers like the Countdown clock powered by an arsehole-battery. The girl can’t answer the question. She will fail her mock exam. Her future suddenly looks hopeless.

‘But that’s not on the curriculum!’ she wails, almost in agony, perhaps having sighted her destitute destiny.

Her cheeky brother flings his question cards into the air, where they pause, mid-frame. Everyone is frozen in time – apart from Graham ‘Suggs’ McPherson who begins to say how fortunate it is that the fishfingers the family is chowing down down on contain a few of them there Amiga 500 oils. Handy!

Now I think of it, how is that lucky? Maybe by actually eating the oils she’ll fill the knowledge void in her small head? Or maybe she’ll catch sight of the miniscule nutritional facts box on the side of the box the fingers came in? Or maybe Suggs is talking shit in an advert he has no reason to be in apart from a fat cheque for a lazy celebrity appearance? One of these things, I’d imagine.

After Suggs gives his little infoburst, time resumes itself and the cards fall to the table as though nothing happened. ‘Is it fish? It’s fish!’ the girl cries, having worked it out by absorbing the Commodore 64 oils in her dirty sandwich. Suggs does some jazz hands and a silly gurn. Weirdly, Dad doesn’t lift the young lad up by his hair, plonk him over his knee and give him a good thrashing for throwing cards all over the place and making a bloody mess of the kitchen. ‘Our House’ by Madness kicks in, and the advert is over. The tenuous link makes itself known – Suggs once sang a song called ‘Our House’ in the 80s. It’s weird he didn’t make his living by more devious means seeing as he’s been concealing an ability to stop time up his sleeve. Clearly he realised he’d make more money making substandard appearances in rubbish adverts than he ever would using his magical superpower.

ONE STEP BEYOND!

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46 Responses to “Birds Eye”

  1. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’ve enjoyed watching Bird’s Eye jump on the Omega 3 bus – it’s been fun. I see the words ‘Fish Fingers’ are now tiny on the box, second-fiddle to ‘OMEGA 3’. If only Bird’s Eye’s paedophile captain could prove there were pro-biotic doodads in there (stopping women having that ‘bloating’ feeling they get because they refuse to fart in the same cavalier fashion as their male counterparts), their fish fingers could leap from being the rubbish you feed your kids to shut ’em up, to the healthiest foodstuff on the planet. C’mon Bernard! Surely you can find some pentapeptides in your kievs? Don’t let that kiddie-diddling Bird’s Eye bastard steal your nutritional thunder!

  2. Swineshead Says:

    I just can’t see how the oil inside an archaic computer can somehow aid your cognitive function.

    NB: Dragon’s Den review will have to wait till tomorrow as I left my notes at home. I need notes as my memory is pathetic.

    Bernard Matthews versus the Birds Eye paedophile – WHO WILL WIN?

  3. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    You watching a series of The Apprentice no one else is allowed to see? Bit la-de-da, ain’t you? Us mere mortals have to cope with Dragon’s Den.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    What the hell are you talking about?

    ONE STEP BEYOND

  5. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    You’re like Stalin. Readers should know that Swineshead originally promised a review of The Apprentice. After I pointed this out, he’s changed it to Dragon’s Den. This is no different from erasing Trotsky from official Soviet photographs. Ergo, Swineshead is responsible for the deaths of miilions of people. The genocidal bastard.

    I NAPOLEON REJECT WHAT I HAVE JUST SAID COMRADE SWINESHEAD IS MOST GLORIOUS HEAD OF WWM SDL:K MDonfcssml;vwp

    bbbbzzzzzt

    bzzzzt

    *crackle*

  6. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    This is the problem with administrators … or should that be Supreme Soviets? Swinsehead, you’re a bad egg.

  7. Dave Medlo Says:

    When did Suggs get the power to freeze time? Was it around the re-release of ‘It Must Be Love.’ Also, how come he only uses said power to talk about fish, when he could be off robbing banks (thus negating the need to do crap celebrity endorsements) or peeking into girls locker rooms…?

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Yes Dave – that’s the point I made in my final paragraph – PAY ATTENTION.

    Send me a photo of your face for BNapoleon to doctor for the About Our Writers page and do it now…

  9. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’d use the ability to freeze time for evil purposes, not fish. Imagine stripping an entire town centre’s worth of folk down to their smalls, then starting time again? There’d be a lot of egg on a lot of faces that day, oh yes! And I’d look at old women’s udders.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    There’s a Twilight Zone where a woman gets the ability to freeze time by shouting ‘SHUT UP’ or something. Even though I haven’t seen the Adam Sandler film ‘Click’ I bet the TZ half hour was infinitely better than it.

    I would use the power to make everyone quiet so I could just wander around eating everyone’s chips.

    (and look at udders)

  11. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’d definitely steal other people’s food, yes (and look at udders). It would be fun to swap people’s food about too. Imagine your surprise when, halfway through eating a kebab, it changes into a dog dirt! You’ll probably see the funny side when you’ve got used to the blindness it’ll inevitably cause you.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    You could swap people having sex around too, so that a man innocently sexing his wife with her consent suddenly finds himself balls deep in a dead pensioner, in Tescos, surrounded by unsuspecting consumers.

    or you could shove a fishfinger up Suggs’s arses.

  13. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    You could also write ‘I’m a big twit’ on Gordon Brown’s head, then shove him up to his nuts in a dead pensioner in front of the Ameicans at a big dinner. You could also balance a duck on George Bush’s head.

    “OCH! Ah’m booncin’ awah on a did pinsioner! The noo! The noo!”
    “QUACK!”

    Little bit o’ politics.

  14. wally bazoom Says:

    Why do Bird’s Eyes fish products give me the runs? That’s what I want to know. Too much mega 3 oil for me, probably.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    Maybe Suggs froze time, Wally, and injected your ‘fingers with botulism?

  16. piqued Says:

    testing testicles

  17. piqued Says:

    Fish Fingers are made with Cod

    These Cod traitors are made with Pollack because Birds Eye have raped the seas of its bounty

    The punishment should be quite simply to force BE to depict Capn’ Birds Eye on all their packaging swinging from the yardarm with Suggs crying tears of blood in the wheelhouse surrounded by dead children

  18. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I haven’t eaten anything made by Bird’s Eye in years. I gave up around the time I began to have my suspicions about the company’s mascot/spokesman, ‘The Captain’. I also have my suspicions about:

    Doctor Who
    Those Chuckle Brothers characters
    Timmy Mallet
    Suggs, now

    All of the above are groundless allegations, of course … no smoke without fire, remember that.

  19. piqued Says:

    Peas? I bet you like a pea don’t you. You’re evil

  20. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Piqued – I haven’t eaten peas in over a year, so there. I see what you’re trying to do here, by the way. As ‘pea’ can be phonetically slotted into the beginning of the word ‘paedophile’, you’re implying anyone who eats peas is a big nonce. As everyone knows, that’s actually people what eats broccolli, like.

    What was it you had for dinner the other day, Gary?

  21. wally bazoom Says:

    I think Suggs merely licking your fish fingers would be enough to do you in, the grubby Camden tyke.

    If I were Suggs i would probably stop time and lick everyone’s dinner.

  22. piqued Says:

    Sure you have, you love peas in those up t’northern pies. Who the Christ is Gary you pea and pie loving gitprong.

    Look, you even say ‘like’ at the end of your words, your mouth is ruined because of the Yorkshire. Like my mothers is, that and dadzcock

  23. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    You’re Gary Glitter – that’s what I was implying. A fatter, balder, more grotesque Gary Glitter of course, but a Gary Glitter nonetheless.

    And you’ll eat those words of yours about Yorkshire when Al Quieeeda and his pack of whirling dervishes come knocking on your door. I can’t see him mounting an attack on Barnsley, but I reckon Tooting’s got to be pretty high on his list – probably between Paris and New York, like.

  24. piqued Says:

    I’m no Gary, mummy wouldn’t have cursed me with such a name. Mummy.

    I live in Sarf London, we’ve more Mosques round here than you’ve had hot peas for dinner… Not that I’m implying that Muslims are potential terrorists of course, that’s immature, ill-informed and downright bigoted, but I am saying that al queedaers are more likely to target areas with a higher quota of infidels, like Barnsley or Wales.

  25. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    You’ve clearly not been to Yorkshire, have you? Of all the counties in this country that the Muslim terrorists (other terrorist organisations are available) are unlikely to attack, it would be Yorkshire. Unlike that modern day Sodom you snakes are living in (London), we have a healthy population of Islamic brothers up here and, if some of them got all misguided-like, they’d have a go at your mob of liberal, limp-wristed, London anti-Christs with your Godless ways and loose morality. I’m alright up here in Yorkshire because I’m protected by the heavenly light of the Prophet, peace be upon him.

  26. piqued Says:

    Yes, I’ve been to Yorkshire many many times, 3 times this year already. I have family there you see, family.

    How many times have you been to London Mmm? You see, in London we integrate with our Muslim brothers and sisters as opposed to shoving them all in one part of the county and pretending they don’t exist.

    Eccles cakes.

  27. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’ve been to London plenty of times, thank you very much. I lived a stone’s throw away from the foetid, rat infested shithole once, and had lots of opportunity to walk its intolerant, crime-ridden streets. The one thing I didn’t notice was much bloody integration … in fact, I didn’t notice much in the way of ordinary human behaviour at all amongst its sour-faced residents. I’ll lay ten a penny you’re about as integrated with your Muslim brothers and sisters as the disgruntled residents of Israel are.

    Or shall I believe your London fairyland of cultural integration? No, I don’t think I will, because it’s bullshit.

  28. Swineshead Says:

    Napoleon is officially talking shit.

  29. piqued Says:

    A stone’s throw away in Leeds?

    I can assure you where I live there is plenty of integration. Hey, don’t take my word for it, come and visit yeah.

    I’ll show you a good time…

    A REALLY good time if you get my drift (anal)

  30. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Oh, here we go! Another Londoner (from Lincolnshire) joins in to defend fair London! Yes Swineshead, I’m talking shit because, unlike everywhere else on the planet, London is unique in not having its varied cultures and nationalities stick together in seperate communities, but instead has everyone banding together in some sort of happy-clapping, culturally-integrated wonderland of lovliness. London wins again! I, a mere Northerner, bow down to the singular might and forsight of my capital city and its forward-thinking residents. All hail London! Never a riot or bad word falls between its enlightened inhabitants! Huzzah that there’s somewhere the rest of the world can aspire to! If only I lived there – holding hands with my brothers and sisters from the four corners of the world as we dance the dance of understanding and tolerance!

  31. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Piqued – You’re a fucking disgrace.

  32. Swineshead Says:

    Well, you see, what you’re doing is talking about London as though it’s one big town. Which it’s clearly not. It’s lots of little towns. Hackney, for example, is a grand example of racial integration. On my street there are people of many diverse ethnicities. If you were to go to the Isle of Dogs, on the other hand, you’d note a heavy BNP presence.

    I’m sure in Yorkshire there are towns with wonderfully integrated populations, whereas in others there’s the occasional lynching. Look at the big picture, yeah? Yeah?

  33. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Swineshead – I’m taking my cue from Piqued when he wrote this:

    “You see, in London we integrate with our Muslim brothers and sisters as opposed to shoving them all in one part of the county and pretending they don’t exist.”

    Seeing as he started out refering to ‘London’, I thought I’d do the same. That’s how London Argument #478 took its usual twist. Yeah, yeah?

  34. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’m hoping the Russians get feisty like they did in the old days and blow you lot up, by the way.

  35. Swineshead Says:

    Let’s just blame Piqued and go home then.
    Piqued = blamed.

  36. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’ll settle for that.

    *reckons they should all be blown up, mind*

  37. Sky Clearbrook Says:

    I really fucking HATE that “freezing-time” effect.

    It’s like every now and again, somebody thinks up a new effect and before you know it, it features on EVERY FUCKING ADVERT for about three years. We’ve only just seen the back of the one-which-speeds-things-up-and-slows-them-down.

    One bastard goes in and another one comes out.

  38. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I reckon this sucker’s been going longer than three years, Clearbrook. I seem to recall them doing something like this with a swan in a Center Parks advert years ago. Some effects just won’t lay down and die.

  39. piqued Says:

    It was done to death in One stocks and two sniffing beerholes. I recalled that from my brain

  40. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Acid flashbacks are a crippling affliction.

  41. piqued Says:

    Mother?

  42. Who Says:

    I speed readed this dead quick and have processed the following in my brayne. Suggs has joined the BNP AND Al-Quada and will be blowing us all up with his poisonous fish fingers and peas.

    Does this mean I should be able to hear hidden propaganda in them records he done? Just his solo stuff, or Madness too?

    And what happens when BM issues a long overdue fatwah on Cap’n Birds Eye – what good will Omega-3 do us then? I’m off to stockpile Mini Kievs in my bunker and await further instruction/Armageddon, whichever is soonest. You can join me if you want.

  43. Sky Clearbrook Says:

    Yeah… I remember THAT Center Parcs swan. Hopefully one of the kids on the mountain bikes rode across its fucking neck.

    You see a similar effect in a lot of modern-day equivalents of the “I Love…” programmes such as “Comics Britannia” and “The 7 Made-up Ages Of Rock” where they use it to make normal pictures appear 3D. I’m sure it’s quite a technically brilliant effect, but its overuse and repitition absolutely make me want to rip Julian Rhind Fucking Tutt’s throat out.

  44. Swineshead Says:

    That Rhind Tutt needs a kicking anyway as Green Wing is the least funny thing on television.

  45. piqued Says:

    *lurks behind Swineshead*

    Yeah

  46. Suggs Says:

    All I know is that girl is seriously hot.

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