Roberto Cavalli for H&M

by

I went shopping in H&M once. I needed some new trousers, but had no idea whatsoever where one went to buy trousers. I knew that shops existed, of course, and I knew Meadowhall was a pretty good place to start, but when it came to knowing which shops were fairly priced, which shops were decent, which shops did what I liked etc… I knew nothing.

My friends Graham and Camilla took me to H&M. As we entered the store Camilla banked right into the ladies’ section and Graham headed left to the mens’ leaving me in the doorway wondering where the trousers were. So overcome was I by the difficulties facing me that I immediately did an about turn and went outside to get some fresh air. And so ended my shopping experience.

The point I’m trying to make with this story is that fashion, and indeed attire in general, has never really troubled me. I am well aware that to some people it’s a desperately important part of their life but I just can’t see it… Equally the same with the fashion industry in general; I know that it is an industry worth billions of dollars but to me it’s just a load of overpaid, self important onanists who believe that face value is the only value of any interest.

I was therefore equally baffled and confused when I saw the latest advert from the former instigators of my shopping palpitations; a series of wafer beautiful models and, by extension, celebrities and teeeeeerribly important people too, gather at some swanky European mansion to drink champagne and be teeeeeeeerribly important to each other. As the flurry of dresses, tuxedos and ribs swirl around we hear how it is the party to end all parties – how you can never be late for it, how people stay for so long they lose their jobs… An eccentric old lady arrives in a helicopter; “pick me up in three weeks” she brays in her aristocratic pomposity.

Finally the man of the moment appears. Roberto Cavalli descends the staircase flanked by sticks with heads and no tits; “you’re missing the party” cry the guests with all the conviction of a Kevin Smith crowd. “Missing it?” he autocues back “I am the party.”

No Roberto, you’re not the party – you’re a sad old man with two hookers on his arm and skin that has to be hung out and stretched each morning before you put it on. Your guests aren’t the most beautiful people on earth, they’re lonely, soulless, empty vessels staggering through the night drunk on their own ego and foolishly believing that because they wear clothes they are more than already forgotten footnotes in history. They may be cheering you, Roberto, but they’re cheering your free booze. You’ve made a load of cut price blouses and cheap skirts, they’re sure as fuck not cheering you for that.

I guess I’m just not that susceptible to advertising. I don’t see a life of glamour and envy, of fabulous people and celebrity worship. I see delusional fools, misguided souls and a bizarre sense of self importance that I can’t believe exists. I’m confused as to what they’re selling me. Are they saying that if I were to buy this £30 hat I would instantly become invited to the most glamorous parties? Were those £12 sandals to become mine I would immediately become as styled as a multi-million dollar advertising campaign? I’m pretty sure those people in your advert are all decked out in the newest £25 cardigan from H&M.

Since I’m not one of those people who the advert is aimed at I’m sure it doesn’t matter what I think. I’m sure there are millions of people out there who will believe this shit and think they are buying into class by going to the high street. That’s how fashion works.

I’m still amazed, though, that in this day and age of cocaine breakdowns and heiress vaginas and pathological media scavenging they are still holding these people up for admiration. I find it offensive that we’re shown these freakshows of image manipulation and are still meant to believe that’s the ultimate achievement of human endeavour.

The parties and lifestyles and the adulation of these people is only touched upon in the advert, the truth is infinitely worse. I don’t care about their existence – they can do what they want and believe they are gods most magnificent creations if they desire, but can we all stop pretending that they’re the best we can be?  These people make cheap clothes off the back of cheaper labour, and they sell them to us. That’s all.

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20 Responses to “Roberto Cavalli for H&M”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    This advert make my willy gon fat

  2. mostlylouche Says:

    Since you failed in your trouser buying mission what did you end up wearing?

  3. Swineshead Says:

    I also hate buying clothes, especially work clothes.
    I bought two shirts yesterday and tonight have to buy three more, and some trousers as everything I had was falling apart out of overwearing.

    That is a tedious glimpse into my life.

  4. Who Says:

    I save all my old Costcutter bags, cut them up and knit them into lovely jumpers, pinafore dresses, etc – whatever befits the occasion. So all the time I’m filling my boots with breadcrumbed chicken products, I don’t have to ever buy clothes.

    SH, happy to run up a nice pair of slacks for you – inside leg measurement please

  5. Dave Medlo Says:

    “Since you failed in your trouser buying mission what did you end up wearing?”

    I bumped into my friend Cathy who was with the owner of the Levi store and he sorted me out some discoount jeans. To this day I have never owned anything other than jeans because of the H&M scare…

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Who: I’m not sure, just make them any length and I’ll turn them up using rubber bands and saliva.

    Medlo – you don’t have friends, especially female ones. DON’T LIE.

  7. wally bazoom Says:

    ‘Are they saying that if I were to buy this £30 hat I would instantly become invited to the most glamorous parties? Were those £12 sandals to become mine I would immediately become as styled as a multi-million dollar advertising campaign?’

    They’re saying that these bloody cheap clothes are heap good quality. In fairness, a simple deploment of exaggeration a tiny chlld could understand.

    It’s a good shop, H&M. Nice blouses.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    I think Medlo probably understands that much, Wally Bazoom.

    It’s still a shit advert.

  9. wally bazoom Says:

    Actually, that was quite snotty by me, wasn’t it.

    Please ignore my former pointless post. Move directly to this. Thanks.

  10. Dave Medlo Says:

    I do indeed understand that… I also understand that H&M is a relatively good shop in the grand scheme of things, I’m just baffled as to why a shop that has the respect of the high street needs to employ some ridiculously opulent tone just to shift some cheap clothes.

    I personally long for the ‘truth in advertising’ concept. You know – these shirts are pretty cheap but they’re nice, will make you look good and were designed by a guy who’s quite well known. That’s far more appealing than all the faux chutzpah of some odious private party…

  11. Clarys Says:

    *hem*

    I thought it was advertising dresses for £149.99? Which, when I checked, was not cheap – nor reflective of H&M’s prices at all. One of the reasons I love H&M is its cheapness.

    Oh, and Roberto Cavalli makes seeeeeriously expensive clothes, so it stands to reason his diffusion line at H&M will still be fairly expensive. Bit daft really, plenty of other places to shop if you’re looking at that kind of price.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    Clarys – I dig the opening pun there.

  13. piqued Says:

    I’ve not seen the ad. HAY DUNT SHOOWT ME YEAH

  14. Swineshead Says:

    I think that’s what the embedded youtube thing at the top of the post is for, you dunce.

  15. piqued Says:

    I’m not going to deliberately expose myself to advertising SH, advertising happens when I’m home in the middle of Katy Brands Big Ass Show or Poker World Open III after I’ve come back shaking from the kitchen clutching my 9th can of White Lightening

  16. Dave Medlo Says:

    Clarys – that’s the exact same point that my girlfriend made when she saw the advert… H&M was good because it was decently priced, so why bother with an expensive range? It’s not a style statement shopping there, but an economical one.

  17. mikey Says:

    Good article Dave…
    btw, why did you not just go with Graham to the trouser department?

  18. Swineshead Says:

    More importantly, can someone send me some trousers so I don’t have to go and buy a pair?
    Charcoal grey or standard black will be fine, I draw the line at navy blue.

  19. Gilbert Wham Says:

    I have some brown corduroys to which you are welcome. Still got the tag on and everything.

  20. Rosszszsss Says:

    mikey – I want the answer to that as well. It makes no sense… no sense at all…

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