Archive for November 21st, 2007


November 21, 2007

The votes have been cast and the judges have reached a decision. It didn’t take them more than a split second – ladies and gentlemen – we give the award for the most appallingly dreadful, ludicrously fucking shite advert ever to have graced our TV’s… A big fist in your arsehole please, for Moonpig.

Right, where to start. Firstly I need a stiff drink before I undertake this, for medicinal purposes. Moonpig (fucking ‘Moonpig’, which giant turd thought that one up, I should imagine they thought is was ‘wacky’ and ‘zany’ when it’s just a dustbin full of old horsetits) are some grubby little greeting card firm that specialise in ‘cards for every occasion’ though I don’t see a sympathy one for the family of the chairman who may well be found slumped in a doorway with head injuries if there is any justice in the world.

The advert is cheap and shitty on one level, so mundane in fact that it wouldn’t be given a second’s glance if it wasn’t for one quite disgusting human right threatening addition: the jingle. But it would be irresponsible not to mention the middle class jumper brigade grinning like medicated retards receiving and sending ‘personalised’ tree slaughtered wank to one another. They all look like a bunch of right golfclub BMW-driving ball-bags.

The jingle (excuse me while I open another bottle) comprises of close harmony singing, the sort of thing that reminds one of early TV advertising jingles sung by women with poodle haircuts attired in prom dresses and white slingbacks… Fucking shit, then.

Five times, FIVE godforsaken times we are jingled at from one end of this 29-second hell to the other, the ‘moon’ part sung in a higher tone to ‘pig’ but in a slightly different key each time, and each time the jingle gets seemingly louder, the fourth incarnation being hysterical and the one that will cause you to rip out your teeth with hammers…

No, I can’t do anymore on this, see for yourselves, this is worse than scatological rape porn.

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