A Fat Teen, Yesterday 

Hold on to your hats, folks, the countdown has begun. That’s right – we’re almost 12 hours away from the next instalment of BBC3’s latest reality TV fest ‘CAN FAT TEENS HUNT?‘! It’s the show you’ve been waiting for since your birth – admit it.

How many times have you been idly wandering around the supermarket, unable to even place a firm grip on the items you want in your trolley because you’re too preoccupied with that one query that niggles right into your frontal lobes on frequent occasions…

I bet you’ve lost count of the amount of times you’ve been walking the dog, let the little fella off his leash and then lost him in a small forest as you’ve been too mentally congested with that overriding concern…

How regularly, during a bout of unsatisfying sex, do you have to stop and disengage from the wetpiece or prong you’re flapping with in order to try and ascertain the solution to that nagging issue…


Thank Christ Auntie’s seen fit to answer this ageless riddle with this fascinating sociological experiment cum reality TV entertainment vehicle / anthropological investigation / chance to laugh at little waddling chubs getting all lost, tired and emotional in the jungle (though that’s clearly not the intention of the producers, honest guvnor).

Episode one, which I saw half of, involved introductions to the cast of FAT TEENS, all of whom stood in their undies and showed off their stretchmarks, interspersed with shots of them gobbling down crisps and sweets. It was a chubby-chasing paedophile’s dream come true, I should imagine, and made for quite uncomfortable viewing for those of us not too easily acquainted with the grotesque.

When they got to the jungle, all manner of chaos ensued. One of the teens is a muslim who gorges on his Mum’s curry. He was subject to a bout of bullying from the other rotund members of the crew because ‘they couldn’t understand his religion’. This lack of comprehension (centred around why he refused to watch a pig being slaughtered) resulted in all the white trash, crisps-for-dinner, future scumbags haranguing the poor little sod in the dark, in the middle of nowhere, as the camera crew filmed on without judgement.

Sadly, I was made to change channels, so I never got to discover whether or not FAT TEENS CAN HUNT. That’s why I’ve been on tenterhooks all week. My weekend break was sullied as I sat, head in hands, trying to equate teen-fatness with the ability to hunt. So I, for one, can’t wait until 10.30 tonight, when BBC3, that example of shamelessly self-descriptive programming will hopefully finally give me the answers I’ve been searching for throughout my entire, wretched life.

(I bet they can’t).

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22 Responses to “CAN FAT TEENS HUNT?”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    Actually, if anyone’s got the definitive answer as to whether or not fat teens can hunt, can they let me know?

  2. mostlylouche Says:

    I can’t wait to see this program.

  3. Gilbert Wham Says:

    The answer, one assumes, is ‘Yes, once they’ve starved them a bit’.
    Of course, they’re not going to be very good at it, are they? What with crashing through the forest like a load of retarded tapirs who have been fed solely on hydrogenated fat.
    I may watch this, or I may stick a marmalade spoon in my eye socket, I haven’t decided.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    You are in possession of a ‘marmalade spoon’??
    LA DE DA!

    In my house we use our fingers to spread stolen marmalade on stale bread. You’re a class apart, Gilbert.

  5. mostlylouche Says:

    You had marmalade? You posho. We just had broken glass and that wasn’t even fresh… etc. etc.

    I really can’t wait to see this program, I’d also like them to make CAN TEEN HUNTERS GET FAT.

    It must be hard to be fat and a proper vegan, can vegans get fat? I mean ones that aren’t munching BN biscuits constantly while talking about whales.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Stereotyping vegans, are we?


  7. mostlylouche Says:


    *munches BN biscuit*

  8. Gilbert Wham Says:

    I do indeed have a marmalade spoon. It is distinct from my many other specialist spoons inasmuch as it has a serrated edge (for cutting up the chunks, you see). This makes it excellent for jamming into eye sockets. You could use a teaspoon, but frankly, I wouldn’t bother.

    Furthermore, what kind of fellow impugns someone’s silverware through nothing more than basest jealousy? A bounder, that’s who. There, I said it.

  9. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    They’ve made a programme called ‘Can Fat Teens Hunt’? And managed to make it even after they didn’t get the massive government payout they said they needed to continue making quality programming? Surely a milestone in British TV such as ‘Can Fat Teens Hunt’ will change the government’s mind and also dispel the falacy that the BBC is WASTING ALL THAT FUCKING MONEY WE’RE FORCED BY LAW TO GIVE ‘EM?

  10. Swineshead Says:

    It was probably in post-production by the time that decision was made though, if you think about timing.

  11. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Oh, well that makes it all better than.

    Fucking BBC commie, left-wing, Guardian-readin’, Nazi bastards …

  12. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    ‘Specially the Communist ones.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    Those left wing Nazis have so much to answer for.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    I missed last night’s episode – did we find out if FAT TEENS CAN HUNT?

  15. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I didn’t see it (I was at a BNP annual general meeting). I assume they can hunt. Put a gun in anyone’s hands and they’ll kill something eventually. I doubt they can fox hunt though – horses are only so strong.

    Send ’em back!

  16. Badger Madge Says:

    isn’t CAN FAT TEENS HUNT rhyming cockerny slang?

  17. Toothed Varmint Says:

    LA DE DA!

    LA-DEE-DAH. It’s spelled LA-DEE-DAH, you prole.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    No it’s not, you fucking twat.

  19. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Made you check, though. You cunt, what-what.

  20. Swineshead Says:

    *wanders off, disinterested*

  21. Toothed Varmint Says:


    I just wanna have friends! I just wanna have friends!! Waaaaa…
    I am socially awkward. Is it a crime?!
    Anyway, fat teens CAN hunt. Well, at the very least they can gather.

  22. alcohol » Blog Archive » People who are overweight as teens increase their risk of developing health. Says:

    […] fetal alcohol syndrome was introduced and these children were. By contrast, a screening test is usually initiated by the physician (or indirectly,. uk: PhotoStory on CD DVD 7 Deluxe (PC): Software. blog […]

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