Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack


Having announced that there would be no Celebrity Big Brother this year, Endemol then sneakily delivered this uppercut. No celebrities involved, just a load of potentially successful youngsters and celebrities acting as Big Brother, in command of the housemates. Interesting. Of course, they’re still irritating, constantly talking about how they can do amazing shits. But at least they’re a cut above your Maxwell and Aisleynnes, i.e. they have brains and aren’t just malicious spuds on sticks or pointless tit-carriers.

All of this is a good thing as it means nobody with a Jade Goody-like brain turned up, dragging their Victorian freak-show mother behind them and a big pair of stupid plastic wangers up front. Nobody involved, so far, has been irredeemably stupid. Watching the show is fractionally more pleasurable as a result as there’s not yet been any genuine spite – spite being the stuff critics say the likes of stupid-old-me tune in for.

It’s also better because there aren’t as many of the bastards to remember. And they’ll only be around for 12 weeks so those of us who are weirdly addicted to this rubbish will be spared the horror of Week 24 when racist foodfights, footage of people sleeping and unlikely and revolting sexual couplings tend to happen out of the contestants’ sheer boredom.

In terms of celebs, we’ve had a couple already. Firstly, Matt Lucas was effective, literally getting inside the head of housemate John via an earpiece and utterly humiliating him as soon as he entered the house, commanding him to act like a tit as his new pals entered, one by one. The highlight was the moment he was commanded to drop to the floor and scream ‘I’ve got cramp’. Inexplicably amusing. Then they revealed to everyone else it was a set up, relieving the tension before it could’ve got nasty, with the rest of the house bitching about the weirdo Scotch man.

It bode well, but then Ian Wright (who, being a gooner, I happen to have a soft spot for) turned up and started acting like a big fanny, blathering on about his charity work, apropos of nothing, and eyeing up the totty – of which there is admittedly a bountiful supply.

So let’s go through the housemates before they disappear into obscurity, despite their talents.

John: Aforementioned Scottish youth activist. Of gargantuan size. Eager to please, which is grating, but reasonably smart. Kilt was ill-advised. Got into hot tub on day one, forcing others to crush themselves into tiny corners in order not to make bodily contact with him.

Jade: Unfortunately-monickered beauty queen. From some angles incredibly beautiful, from others resembles a confused death mask. Desperately eager to please, which is grating, but has a top botty. And let’s face it lads, that’ll do us. Apparently a straight ‘A’ student, but she must’ve cheated.

Liam: Freakish boy/man/monkey with a thriving media-based business, the like of which I could never comprehend. Occasionally speaks, but happily keeps it to a minimum. Seems more concerned with the fact that his wig is on horizontally than with the fact he is on television. Wears stupid pants.

Latoya: Reserved and possibly calculating dancer who seems indifferent to anything other than watching herself doing the odd bodypop. Interesting haircut undermined by a seemingly small brain lurking somewhere beneath it.

Anthony: Successful boxer. Looks like a thug but turns out he’s quite the gent, and an affable one at that. I’ll give it two weeks until he aimlessly punches a window and gets asked to leave.

Calista: Musician who can certainly play a good piece on the old Joanna, but whose lyrics are, being harsh, shit. Desperately eager to please, specifically when it comes to Jay, but is so innocuous he can’t even remember her name.

Nathan: Mobo winning R&B type who let himself down badly when bum-sucking Ian Wright (he must be an Arsenal fan). That toadying was a real off-putter. Also, being over 21 and middle class, I don’t know what ‘stoosh’ means, so loses points again.

Amy: ‘Artist’ who is likeable enough, but whose talent consists of ripping off better artists. Looks like Vivienne Westwood as played by Heather Mills.

Jeremy: Racing driver with the snidest face in the house. Looks like Pete Doherty after a collision with Harry Potter in which much bile was spilt. His face is constantly in sneer-mode and it’s weirdy endearing. Is so calculating, the only explanation is that he smuggled in a calculator.

Amelia and Victor: Brother and sister contortionist combo. Circus performers who, in the words of Amelia, can ‘put their asses on their heads’. He is as thick as pigshit, and so is she, but she can put her ass on her head, which is probably sexually impractical but makes the mind-boggle all the same.

Jay: Bruno.You know Bruno? That Borat spin off? That’s Jay. I need say no more.

So Big Brother is back, in a very slightly different format. I suggest you revert to your usual BB default mode – complete ignorance peppered with the odd nasty remark when the subject is raised by others or complete, embarrassed immersion and self-disgust. I’m in the latter camp, sadly.


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29 Responses to “Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack”

  1. badgermadge Says:

    as a non-digitalus viewer, i thankfully am being spared this. i caught a bit of the launch night, because e4 and ch4 were streaming it live together (which was a tad unfair to us ch4-only bods). thus i have affected the air of someone who’s too good for BB (yeah right!) and am pretending not to care.

    muchos peeved that it’s not celeb BB as from the clips on ch4 it seems like normal BB (botching, flirting, etc). bloody jade goody.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    You need to get digital so that you can enjoy the wondrous TMF (all your favourite hits of past and present), QVC for bargains galore and ‘The Hits!’. We’ve never had telly this good…

  3. Who Says:

    Asses on heads? Their own, or each others asses/heads? Now look what you’ve done – I’m ever so slightly interested. Up until now, I’ve been hiding in the outside bog until it finishes.

    Happy New Year to all you lovely WWM boys ‘n girls by the way.

  4. badgermadge Says:

    We did have digital (funnily enough, when we were in the ghettos of Swansea) but since we moved to Bath… I’m assuming the Bathonians (or Bathtards as we like to call them) will be sorting something out for the switch over. But I remember fondly the delights of TMF and other such must-watch channels.

    *sigh* One day… one day…

    Good to have y’all back. xx

  5. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Digital television’s a big pile of shit. Every day appears to be exactly the same as the last, it’s rubbish. This Christmas I’ve watched Clarkson race May and Hammond across Europe in a Bugatti Veyron versus a Cesna light aircraft sixteen times – it was either that or Dog the fucking Bounty Hunter again. Fuck digital television, it stinks.

    And I see we’re back on the fucking Big Brother bus, are we? Hooray.

  6. piqued Says:

    The worst thing about Digi TV is the fact the signal gets interrupted by so much as someone turning on a hairdryer in the next fucking Street. When this occurs the TV suddenly starts to eeff out, it makes the most dreadful clicking and squeaking and the image goes all microdot and amphetamine before disappearing for minutes entirely.

    This happens even when one has spent over £30 on an ‘active’ aerial from Argos.

    Bring back analogue ghosting I say

  7. Swineshead Says:

    NC – yes, yes we are back on the bus of BB. Sorry. But as an unpaid, lazy television reviewer it wouldn’ be right for me to write about this rubbish.

    Piqued… the same can be said for the DVD revolution. They’re fucking shit. Shitter than VHS. Lost count of the amount of movies I’ve rented, only to miss the last ten minutes because all THREE of my DVD playing machines refuse to recognise it as a DVD, despite the fact it’s a DVD.

  8. Dave Medlo Says:

    The digital revolution is forcing me into illegalities I would not have previously considered… I can’t stand flicking through that treasure chest of shite anymore, just seeing the little gray lists of Scrubs repeats and new episodes of Dog the Bounty Hunter has driven me into the comfortable arms of the internet where you don’t have to watch an equal amount of adverts as programmes…

    Same with movies. The cinema is a vile place to visit these days so I’d rather watch pirated copies, and don’t get me started on the supposed benefits of Love Film – a service which makes the 2 days download wait seem speedy and efficient.

    They’ve taken our TV, auctioned it off to the highest bidding companies and are forcing us to pay for the privilege. Fuck that, I’m going to start having conversations and play board games again… it’s the only way to be entertained where I don’t feel that I’m having the piss-ripped out of me by broadcasters.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Cinemas… two choices down south – Vue or Odeon on one hand which means kids texting their mates on phones with keys that beep with every press. People shouting. Popcorn thrown. Etc…

    Even worse is Curzon in Soho or Screen on the Green where everyone behaves but dresses like they’re on route to a Hoxton happening and talks loudly before and after the film about Lily Allen and whether she’s the new Neneh Cherry while sipping a frappafuckingccino.

    PS – If it’s taking 2 days to download 800 meg you need a new Broadband provider, it takes about 6 hours on this old knackered Mac.

  10. piqued Says:

    Lets face it, the digital stuff, we’ve been sold down the fucking river

    AND vinyl still sounds better

    *pulls Albert Steptoe type sneer*

    *punches urchin*

  11. badgermadge Says:

    lily allen isn’t the new nenah cherry. she’s the new *insert amusing insult here*

  12. Who Says:

    The last thing I saw at the ‘pictures’ was Back to the Future. No, I’m fooking lying, The Living Daylights. They still had usherettes, anyway.

  13. badgermadge Says:

    mine was transformers/harry potter i think. or maybe actually death proof (followed by a q&a with tarantino)

    *i’m so cool*

  14. piqued Says:

    I think mine was Genevieve, that Dinah Sheridan, crickey, I wouldn’t mind stepping out with her for high tea after a stroll around Regents Park, I can tell you. Whizzer

  15. Swineshead Says:

    Last thing I seen was 28 Weeks Later. An underwhelming experience.

  16. Dave Medlo Says:

    Back to the Future was my first real movie… and I thought we were going shopping for new trousers, but it turned oout to be the trip of a lifetime.

    Ah. Memories.

  17. Who Says:

    Ah, the old ‘shopping for new trousers’ ploy, I’ve used that one a few times m’self to propel the ex-Mr Who to them places which he wouldn’t go with good grace and a glad heart. He cottoned on after the first few times, the wily old bastard.

  18. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I can’t remember what I last saw at the cinema … hold on, I’ll ask the missus …

    … well she reckons it was The Simpsons Movie (I think it was Transformers, but I’m keeping that to m’self as she’s arrived at that time in the month when ladies turn into vipers with a propensity for irrational violence (not sexist)).

    Anyone seen I Am Legend? And is it worth paying whatever the robbing shits charge you nowadays to watch a film?

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Apparently the first hour is great but then it goes all shit.

    The book’s right good.

  20. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I haven’t time to read books, I’m too busy watching Jeremy Kyle shouting at stupid people … sorry … being a single parent.

    (Stir it up)

  21. piqued Says:

    It’s a remake of The Omega Man isn’t it

  22. Swineshead Says:

    The Omega Man was the first attempt at making a film of Matheson’s book, and apparently this new one is closer to the source material.

    The Omega Man was shit, I thought.

  23. piqued Says:

    It’s certainly dated MR HAIRSPLITTERZ

  24. Swineshead Says:

    If you split hairs it makes the thing the hairs are sprouting from look hairier.

    Hence I have a tremendously dense pubis.

  25. piqued Says:

    I love to run my fingers through it, like Russell Crowe’s hand through a field of corn in Gladiator

  26. Swineshead Says:

    *Honks vomit through gaps in teeth*

  27. piqued Says:


    *arcs stream of sperms*

  28. Swineshead Says:

    Don’t be ashamed – everyone loves the Swinus.

  29. karaadam Says:

    Celebrity Hijack ????

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