St Trinians

by

Sex Lives of the Potato Men. Carry on Columbus. Fat Slags. Large. Cradle of Fear. Mr Bean’s Holiday. The Boys in Blue. Bring Me the Head of Mavis Davis. Shopping. Spice Girls the Movie. Up ‘n’ Under.

Above is a list of British films so bad, so woefully embarrassing, so resoundingly piss-poor in concept and execution that they serve not only to remind us why we have virtually no film industry in this country, but that we also really don’t deserve one. If the God of Film were to descend upon our little nation tomorrow, armed only with that list and he decreed that we were no longer allowed to make films then it would be a deserved statement.

That is not to say that we don’t make good films – we make incredible films when we want to – but for every ‘Dead Man’s Shoes’ or ‘London to Brighton’ there is an ‘Evil Aliens’ or ‘Fat Slags: The Movie’ waiting in the wings to fuck things up. It seems to me that we have three different types of movies:

  • Big Budget, co-financed with the US movies (‘Notting Hill’, ‘Sunshine’) that largely make their money back in international territories.
  • Low budget, lottery funded, arthouse relegated, critically worshipped movies (would Mr Loach and Mr Leigh please stand up) that are seen by relatively few people.
  • Sitcom spin offs, TV show and classic film updates or homegrown star vehicles (‘Alien Autopsy’, ‘Magicians’) which make their money back domestically by are never exported abroad.

Which brings us nicely to St Trinians; a film that while it doesn’t quite belong in the rogue’s gallery at the top of the article still manages to be indicative of all that is wrong with British cinema.

Firstly, the production values are so embarrassingly cheap it looks like an ITV drama premiere from 20 years ago. Secondly, it relies on hoary old concepts that we’ve been using since the beginning of time, namely men in drag and cameos from otherwise respectable TV personalities. And thirdly, it takes a British institution from a bygone era and dumps it in the modern world with all the finesse of a dancing drunken father at a teenager’s party.

It makes me weep. It really does. The opening half an hour of this film is so horrifically unfunny and so staggeringly amateur you begin to wonder if you’re accidentally stumbled into a sixth form media studies screening. It appears to have been written by the illiterate, shot by the blind, edited by the limbless, scored by the deaf and released by the idiotic because there is no other explanation for the sheer technical incompetence you are seeing before you. It appears to have been shot on VHS, so lifeless is the photography – and the editing seems to come from the Neighbours school of film-making where continuity and an internal timeframe are unnecessary burdens.

And then it picks up. Well, a little. After the initial horror of Rupert Everett in drag (desperately, desperately unfunny) the film develops some charm and you find yourself ignoring the technical faults – and then Russell Brand appears, then it’s the makeover montage, and the painful Stephen Fry on drugs sequences and by the time Girls Aloud pop up to play their new single you’ve completely forgotten that it’s meant to be a film about individuality and rebellion and are immersed in another advert for Just 17.

Updating it was a big mistake. The pop culture references, the jazzy styles, the cameo by that girl off of the OC all smack of forty-something writers trying to “make it more MTV.” Any anarchy or genuine risk that may have existed in the originals has been replaced by numbing consumerist tendencies and MySpace researched definitions of youth. When they try to be clever it’s with film references and in-jokes that would leave kids bemused and adults patronised.

It’s not the worst British film of all time, just another massively disappointing one. If this is the best that can be done with a potentially great concept like St Trinians then perhaps the Film God is right and we don’t deserve an industry. Shame on us.

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31 Responses to “St Trinians”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve just downloaded this for viewing. Girls in school uniform eh? Phwoars!

    And I’ve just realised that this blog, in its current form, is a year old.

  2. piqued Says:

    hay woo carez abowt the film being bad ween ther is birds in STOKINGS AND SUSSPENDERS MASIVE FWOAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

  3. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Except it isn’t, because it’s older. Don’t listen to Swineshead – he’s a liar (and a racist).

    I reckon Dave only went to see this St. Trinian’s film because he’s a paedo. Anyone who watched this film is a kiddie-diddlin’ Glitterlangham (well … maybe not girls).

  4. Swineshead Says:

    No it isn’t – it’s younger, on the 24th it’ll be a year old. IDIOT.

    The redhead in that main article picture has pricked my fancy.

  5. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Yes it is. The evidence is up there on the internet, you bollock. You can’t claim a birthday just because you shifted from Blogger to WordPress. The trouble with you, Swineshead, is you’re a slippery customer who’s just been caught out, so you have, so you have, begorrah, begorrah. You’ve just lied to the good people who read this drivel – and for that you should be put up in stocks.

    And that girl’s too young for you, you filthy swine.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    ‘IN ITS CURRENT FORM’

    You shitloaf.

  7. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Still doesn’t make it a birthday, does it? You only get the one – they don’t give you another crack to go back up and pick a more favourable date. If they did I’m sure Piqued would have picked something better than … ho ho … Boxing Day.

    You’re a liar, let’s face it.

  8. badgermadge Says:

    she’s actually a bug-eyed super model called lily something. cole??? freaky eyes imo.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Oh it’s her. Oh.

    As NC knows full well I am Stalin and thus what I say, goes.

  10. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Didn’t stop Stalin being wrong though, did it? A very merry un-birthday to you, you lying sod.

  11. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Talking of sitcoms-made-into-films, why can’t they make one of Birds of a Feather? I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking you could get at least 18 gallons of fresh milk (well … not that fresh) out of Sharon ‘n’ Tracey – size o’ their bloody udders. God alone knows how sour Dorian’s dabber-fayre would be … if ‘er face is anything to go by, it’d pretty bloody sour. Mind you, probably more drinkable than the rotten rubbish you’d get out of Marina from Last O’ The Summer Wine … or June Whitfield’s boobs.

    I’ve lost me train o’ thought …

  12. piqued Says:

    Lilly Cole is only a superb-model because she’s thin and tall, the fact she’s a head like a wooden spoon with fuzz felt all on it seems to have passed Models One by…

    Isn’t the angry looking girl that tit from Two Pints of LAAPOCP? I think that sums the film up without me having to get out of my fucking seat

    (one of my mates worked on this film, apparently Russell Brand is very nice but that Rupert Everett is a 24 hour cunt)

  13. Clarys Says:

    Lily Cole. Not good up close.

    The only reason I’d go to see this (I haven’t) would be to see Girls Aloud in school uniform, for I love them, and would happily drool at Kimberley all day long.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Just seen it. Everyone involved should be shot.

  15. Dave Medlo Says:

    After all that I wrote you still went to see it…?
    Shame on you as well.

  16. Swineshead Says:

    I went to see it in my front room (sneaky eh?).
    Fucking awful film.

  17. John Q Wagonwheel (Jam) Says:

    Hello. Just like to say that I found this blog a few days ago and it is now one of my favourite things on the internet. And the internet being the big bastard it is that’s something I’d say.
    This film looks like it was shat out of a middle-aged producer’s ass who mistook the immense pleasure he felt from expelling such toxic crap for the gleam of sunshine. I shall avoid it like the plague. And if it gets airborne I’ll be very pissed off.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    John Q – are you saying that you can get Wagon Wheels without jam?

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Oh – and here’s a confession for you – I sat through Sex Lives of the Potato Men in its entirety.

  20. John Q Wagonwheel (Jam) Says:

    No it’s a hereditary title, but yes there are caramel and fudge wagon wheels as well as the strawberry and raspberry varieties. Their slogan ‘you’ve got to grin to get it in’ does seem a little risqué somehow.

    About Sex Lives of the Potato Men – do you mean you were subjected to it (i.e. you walked into and sat down in the wrong screen of the cinema and someone put a knife in your leg and thus forced you to remain in said screen/some scientists wanted to see if they could create some kind of soma-dependent monster by strapping you to a steel bed and making you watch hours of shit films until you went out and started biting people) or did you intend to see it. I guess the latter, which either makes you patient beyond belief or a masochist, or both. Or all three.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    I rented it from Lovefilm. Sometimes I can’t accept negative reviews, even when they crucify their subject. I am the fellow who sat through Britain’s Worst Teeth, after all.

  22. John Q Wagonwheel (Jam) Says:

    That’s fair enough. It certainly works the other way around. Someone told me that ‘Saints and Soldiers’ was good. I forked out 4 whole pounds for it thinking it would be a flashy WWII film set at the battle of the bulge. Sounded fine. Turned out the whole thing was made by mormons, starring mormons. It felt like the film was trying to piss jesus all over you. Plus the mormon playing an English airman had possibly the worst accent imaginable. It was painful, not even funny. I got about an hour in and turned it off in disgust. Never watch it. Well, watch it if you’re in an angry mood and want something to waste your time and simultaneously inspire titanic hate (as in big hate, not the sort of hate you get when you watch Titanic, although in fact they’re basically the same thing). Actually don’t even watch it then. Was Britain’s Worst Teeth not all you had hoped for then?

  23. Swineshead Says:

    I started enjoying it after I stopped laughing at the title. You’re still angry about a war film?

  24. John Q Wagonwheel (Jam) Says:

    it was a week ago. the scars are still fresh.

  25. Nicole Says:

    Get a grip is all can say about your review. its not supposed to be top quality serious stuff, its a light hearted silly teenage film which frankly has a lot of charm, many giggles, and a great cast. Get over yourself, St. Trinians is great.

  26. piqued Says:

    The review is tongue in cheek

    Go back to school

  27. Tick Tock Says:

    who played the goth girl in it,
    i cant seem to find out

  28. luiza Says:

    Go watch Bugsy Malone you fat bastards

  29. yousef Says:

    ghgdhg cvcvxc cvvxcvcxcvc vcvcvcvbgr vbxsbsdhn vbaefbg vzvSdvvc v

  30. bruna Says:

    lindixima exa ft +++ u q exta faxendu na pagina do cradle of fear

  31. AMIE Says:

    HELLLO

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