You are presented with a Christmas cracker. You pull it with your dear old mum. The cracker contains liquid dog shit that covers you and your mum in shit. You end up with shit all in your mouth, as does your mum. The shit then turns into a man made out of all shit and that. The shit-man bends your mum over and bum rapes her with his shit-cock. When he’s done, he wipes shit all over your mum’s arse then turns round and punches you with a big, shitty fist. The shit-fist bursts into a shower of shit and smothers your face in shit.
Christmas, you realise at this point, has turned to shit.
I’ve tried, but I can’t come up with any other way of describing the special Christmas edition of The Green Green Grass than the above passage. Maaaaaaaaarlene!
Then there was To The Manor Born, which achieved the magnificent feat of making you think you were watching a repeat of To The Manor Born on UKTV Gold. That’s not bad, considering this episode had never been aired before … yet it had … on UKTV Gold. Even though it hadn’t. Weird.
And it’s good to know that the likes of The Upper Hand, Goodnight Sweetheart and Birds of a Feather didn’t die in vain … because thanks to My Family, the flame of incompetent mainstream ‘comedy’ was burning bright this festive season. On The Up, Keeping Up Appearences, The Two Of Us, The Piglet Files, Three Up Two Down, and Brush Strokes – your legacy lives on!
And finally, Extras. Did you ever, in your wildest dreams, think you’d hear yourself say,
“Well it only really got going when Dean Gaffney showed up.”
No, neither did I.