One Minute Review: Visit Malta

 

The cheapest ad ever made? The ‘music’, possibly recorded in the canteen of the Malta Tourist board, sounds a bit like ‘Dreams’, the monotone nasal drone performed by that pseudo one-eyed nit Gabrielle, before lurching off in such wild directions of musical incompetence that I think it may have been written and recorded after work by the dinner ladies and Pedro, the potty mouthed Maltese cook with the limp and the built up shoe.

Now the graphics, we’re slowly drip fed still images of heroin-blue skies, LSD flowers, cocaine white beaches all punctuated by grinning orange pricks in garish Muumuus, all bordered off, like those postcards sent to you in June by Auntie and Uncle Dubious-Income who have an all round perma-tan and less taste than a darts player’s mantlepiece as the music shrieks and jumps in the background/your face.

In short, it’s fucking cheap shit; I’d no sooner go to Malta on the back of this advert than drop my testicles into a bucket of discarded hospital syringes.

One Minute Review: Activia

 

 Ooooooooh – Danone…

Nell McNell McAndrew, who as far as I can recall is famous for absolutely nothing apart from being inanimate and having a face that refuses to shift from an expression of gormlessness, wanders around a bright white set punctuated by a lot of green things – green fridge, bowl of green apples, green sofa etc… and tells us we can sort out our ‘bloated feeling’ by consuming Activia.

Next time this advert’s on TV, notice how much of the screen is taken up by green stuff. Everything’s bloody green. When it finishes, your eyes take half an hour adjusting. Norris from Coronation Street appears with his face in a lime green hue. Phil and Fern have got olive-tinted jowls. Saturday Cooks is submerged in an ocean of chartreuse.

It’s all too green. Too, too green.

GREEN.