One Minute Review: Activia

by

Activia 

 Ooooooooh – Danone…

Nell McNell McAndrew, who as far as I can recall is famous for absolutely nothing apart from being inanimate and having a face that refuses to shift from an expression of gormlessness, wanders around a bright white set punctuated by a lot of green things – green fridge, bowl of green apples, green sofa etc… and tells us we can sort out our ‘bloated feeling’ by consuming Activia.

Next time this advert’s on TV, notice how much of the screen is taken up by green stuff. Everything’s bloody green. When it finishes, your eyes take half an hour adjusting. Norris from Coronation Street appears with his face in a lime green hue. Phil and Fern have got olive-tinted jowls. Saturday Cooks is submerged in an ocean of chartreuse.

It’s all too green. Too, too green.

GREEN.

Advertisements

Tags: , , , , , , ,

21 Responses to “One Minute Review: Activia”

  1. mostlylouche Says:

    There are a few averts like this for ‘digestive slowness’ and other nonsense. Do the ladies this country really have that much trouble doing a poo?

  2. Swineshead Says:

    I only really have problems squeezing cheese if I’ve had five or six pints of lager the night before. Other than that, my brown babies squeak out without a whisper. Effortless lovelies.

    But then, I am not as complex as the thing we call ‘woman’.

  3. piqued Says:

    YEH U R RITE WOMANS BODEES R ALL A FUNY AND WEEK

  4. Swineshead Says:

    They can’t even do running.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    Nell McAndrew… what are your thoughts?

  6. Who Says:

    I wouldn’t dream of perching myself next to a bowl of fruit without wearing the corresponding coloured blouse. Is this unusual?

    Good on Nelly-o for upholding standards, that’s what I say.

  7. Swineshead Says:

    What about tomatoes and cucumbers? Technically a fruit, treated as a vegetable… same goes for rhubarb in the other direction… are they worth of a wardrobe change?

  8. piqued Says:

    Aaah, you say ‘treated as a vegetable’ you see, that’s where it all falls down

    *taps nose*

    If you get my drift…

    We all know you, and your ways

  9. Who Says:

    It only applies to the stuff on display in the basket.

    So if I haven’t got a top to match it, it either gets put away or I go without. Hence I suffer terrible with the scurvy because I look hideous in orange, but at least I don’t have any embarrassing colour mis-matches.

  10. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I reckon they’re targeting women because they hold in farts all day. ‘That bloated feeling’ they talk about in the ads is just a log-jam of backed-up bird farts.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    So why don’t they just sell women fart-tankards? Maybe they are surrepticiously suggesting they parp into yoghurt pots. Imagine the bubbles!

  12. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I dunno. I think the yoghurt dislodges the farts, or something. I’m no expert … being a bloke I fart up the town on a regular basis. You want to ask a bird about this – they know how much trapped fartage they’ve got clogging up their sumps.

    Must be a pain in the arse being a woman … in this case literally.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    I heard that women do less farts per day than men, but the farts they DO do smell worse. Certainly the lady-trumps I’ve ingested are testament to this assertion. How can we syphon off some bird-grufts and store them so we can put this to the test, bearing in mind they’re notoriously reticent when it comes to piping out a little tommy squeak?

    In addition, my farts smell great.

  14. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Mine smell monstrous as I have Ulcerative Colitis. And I think you’ll find women fart on average 14 times a day – the same average as men (I got that from an advert narrated by Simon Callow, so it might be wrong). Not as much as me, obviously. I must fart about 300 times a day and they all smell like I’ve just downed 10 cans of ‘Down Boy!’ dog food and an egg and onion sandwich. Ey, ladies?

  15. Who Says:

    I’ve never heard Simon Callow advertising farting. Did he do it in his posh voice whilst wearing a brightly coloured weskit?

    And I rather think I would appreciate the smell of you, Mr Cockerparte. I admire a man who can adhere to such a frugal diet.

  16. piqued Says:

    WEN WUMEN FARTS THE FART GOWS OUT OFF THERE ARZHOLES AND THEN GOWS UP THREW THER FANNI AND COLECTS ALL THE FANNI SMEL AN COMESZ BACK OUT THE FANNI SMELING REELY RELLEY BAD WHICH IS WHY WOMANS FARTS STUNK WORSE THAN WOT MENS DUS

  17. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Piqued- That’s really vile … even I’m disgusted.

    Who – Why thank you, madam. And may I also add that I suffer from the most monstrous diarrhaea? If you value your life, you won’t, I can guarantee you, be able to follow ME into a bathroom. Ey? Ey?

    *swishes cane*

  18. badgermadge Says:

    i’d never eat one of those – people would know i was “bloated.”

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Good point – you’d have to eat it in a toilet cubicle, in secret, as though you were inserting a tampon or apply toupee glue to your pate.

  20. Gilbert Wham Says:

    I too am bewildered by this peddling of yoghurt with nebulous laxative properties for, you know, ‘CONSTIPATION’ (said in loud stage whisper to other MILF with colon full of poo on advert).

    I have asked women of my acquaintance if they ever get so full of excrement that their insides need lubricating with magic yoghurt to ease it out, but they say not. Or, sometimes, ‘What? What are you on about? Yoghurt? Fuck off.’

  21. Who Says:

    I’ve got the idea of this now. What you do is spend all the housekeeping on this eye-wateringly expensive stuff; Activia yoghurts, that magarine that stops you having a heart attack and those tiny bottles of watered down yoghurt that makes all the friendly bacterias. Leaving you fuck all money to buy bad things like mini kievs. Result, nothing but lovely fresh air a-whistlin’ through your colon. No bloating, farting, pooing and no chance of keeling over, clutching your clogged up arteries. Ever.

    FAKT

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: