Glade Touch ‘n’ Fresh

by

Where to start? As I live and breathe, I literally do not know where to start. Everything about this redubbed, repetitive nightmare is wrong. It’s all wrong. Pwoar – it stinks! It’s all wrong.

Let’s go from the start. A small oriental lad sits on the toilet and we inhabit his childish thoughts. He wafts his hand across his face ‘ Pwoar! It stinks!’ he thinks. He’s clearly just floated a particularly rancid love-log. He follows this up with ‘quick, quick!’ as he reaches for one of the most unnecessary bathroom products the world has ever not required – the Glade Touch ‘n’ Fresh. This is a wall-mounted air freshener (which no doubt smells of sweetened diethyl ether) and the advert attempts to flog the refills, so that nobody befalls the same fate as this poor twat, who can scarcely breathe following the acrid dumping he’s flopped into the bowl, all brown and stenchy.

His mouth doesn’t move when we hear him think the existentialist angst-ridden lament: ‘it’s all gone, all gone!’. But  somehow his mother weirdly taps into his stream of consciousness and asks ‘what’s happening, darling?’. I presume it’s his mother as she refers to him so affectionately, but visually she’s about seven ethnic origins removed from him, so whoever did the casting should’ve been sacked, set ablaze or shot.

‘It’s all gone, it’s all gone’ he replies. How many times have we heard the word ‘gone’ by now? Too many. Then the voiceover reiterates. ‘Touch ‘n’ Fresh has all gone! It’s empty’.

How many times, you deaf bastards? It’s fucking empty, alright? EMPTY. Just like your pointless lives.

Moving on, to demonstrate the source of his pain, the young man passes a picture under the door of the Glade device with an arrow pointing to its emptiness, using the word ’empty’. Yes: empty. The fact he slides the picture in this way suggests he wants his mother to respect his privacy, but confusingly in the next shot we see her refilling it, with the little sod still perched atop the bog.

Does anyone actually buy this stuff? Even aerosol air fresheners are pointless and archaic, aren’t they? Can’t people just open a sodding window without buying more landfill-destined crap? Whoever’s buying this tat – it’s your fault this advert – an advert so bad you lose IQ points whilst watching it – it’s your fault this even exists. I hate you.

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16 Responses to “Glade Touch ‘n’ Fresh”

  1. Who Says:

    Bloody irritating, not to say inconvenient, having a small oriental boy taking up residence in your bog – it happened to me. Not the en suite fortunately, the one down the bottom of the garden. I soon grew weary of him passing his little notes and drawings under the door, so rammed an Alpine Fresh toilet block refill up each of the little shitter’s nostrils and had him swiftly deported.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    That lad could have made you millions – apparently he’s psychic. And he poos gold. MORE FOOL YOU.

  3. Who Says:

    Oh no, if only I’d checked the drawings properly. It was the same boy as the one off the telly, yur rite I am STOOPID

  4. jasespace Says:

    It is possible for a caucasian woman to have given birth to an oriental looking lad – if the bloke she humped to make aforementioned child was also of oriental extraction. Weird I know, but this is how genetics works. Did you fail at Biology at school?

  5. piqued Says:

    Wow, I’m from Piddlington. U must be pretty sad 2 hate on Glade. Hay, i no these guyz and ther reelly cool. I’m a nice guy but I’d screw yor dead ass and making you watch me cut up yor mumma 4 your bad. god bless

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Alright Jason, so I over-egged the pudding. BUT AT LEAST YOU GOT SOME PUDDING.

    I got a Bb in double awards science, this demonstrates the state of the education system.

    Are you back as a regular commenter now?

  7. jasespace Says:

    Possibly. I sired an heir, and that meant all I’ve been doing is changing nappies and not sleeping. Can’t see that changing for a while, but I definitely hope to add some much needed decorum and sense of style to this grubby dive, as and when I am able.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    What did you call it? Bernard Matthew Spaced?

  9. jasespace Says:

    Not quite.

    It was a girl so it was Bernadette Matthew Spaced.

  10. piqued Says:

    You sired an heir, you mean, there’s more than one of you…

    Oh. Sweet. Christ.

    *drinks caustic soda*

  11. Swineshead Says:

    *joins Piqued*

    Congratulations, by the way.

  12. piqued Says:

    Yes, allow me to offer the same gesture of felicitation

  13. Clair Says:

    What is that woman feeding that poor kid – horse manure and boiled eggs? His shits and farts could clearly be used as a form of chemical warfare.

  14. nursemyra Says:

    I smell paedophilia……

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