One Minute Review: Crimewatch



Dear the BBC (You bastards),

Can you please, on behalf of the British people, make Crimewatch the same as it was before you buggered about with it? Y’see, last night’s edition was:

  • Fronted by a Scotch woman (too many Celts on the telly, far too many).
  • Co-presented by a man who looked like he had cancer, with a name.
  • I can’t pronounce (Anrahallyawallyaawaa … see?).
  • Infested by some musclebound superman cop who kept looking at the camera and saying something just ‘didn’t add up’.
  • Full of crazy music and camera angles.
  • Full of reconstructions presented by real policemen (i.e. people who wouldn’t know how to present a TV show if you shoved it up their arse).
  • Always going on about its fancy new website.

Can we just have it back to the way it was? Y’know, the Crimewatch that’s:

  • Presented by the reassuringly English Nick Ross.
  • Co-presented by a woman with a nice face and only a 23% of being murdered by either gangland criminals or mad people who live in her neighbourhood.
  • Full of reconstructions with voiceovers by either the dependable Ross, or his shapely female co-presenter (and possibly mistress).
  • Got DC Jackie Haines in it doing whatever it was she did.
  • Has that bald copper with the muffled voice doing the photo-fits.
  • Got him off of the Antiques Roadshow showing us the fancy goods villains have been nicking from the more well-to-do.

Can you do that? Because, y’see, you’ve made Crimewatch all fancy now, and that’s shit. I don’t want a shit Crimewatch – I just want Crimewatch, the way it was.




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11 Responses to “One Minute Review: Crimewatch”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    You can compare Napoleon’s criticism’s of this BBC show with my own thoughts, over here:


    If Barry George didn’t kill Dando, then who did? WHODUNNIT?

  2. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    No smoke without fire, in my opinion. My money’s still on Barry George.

    Do you remember Viz’s Jill Dando Memorial Dildo?

  3. Swineshead Says:

    Christ. I don’t think I saw that.
    Barry George can’t have done it, he was a Freddy Mercury impersonator – it just doesn’t add up.

  4. Who Says:

    I’m not entertaining Crimewatch again until Nick ‘don’t have nightmares’ Ross comes back. Thanks to him selfishly giving up his shift, I have them constantly. Last night, I dreamt I snogged Grange Hill rotunder Ro-land. What’s wrong with that, you may say. Nothing, were I not a 36 year old woman dreaming about 10 year old schoolboys trapped in an 80’s timewarp.

  5. Clair Says:

    I’m not enjoying the mini-dramas they did whch ended with someone being stabbed. And the way Lulu McJockJock described a murder victims’ fiancee as ‘the lovely so and so’. Leave that kind of thing to Richard Arnold on GMTV, whydon’tcha?

  6. Who Says:

    It format needs a total revamp, again.

    Host – Norton or Aled Jones and whichever one of them Ferns wants to do it. Plus a premium rate phone-in vote for the reconstructions – dial 1 for the bumbling building society robber, 2 for the machete-wielding old lady rapist, 3 for the prolific, well spoken confidence trickster. Keep the real Plods on there, but they should have a little sing and a dance after their bit. One of them should be a tasty WPC who might or might not show us her suspenders. Finally, get the 4 Poofs and a Piano to sing the theme toon.


  7. Swineshead Says:

    Here is the first draft of my lyrics for the WWM new look Crimwatch:

    It’s crimewatch
    So pour a scotch
    And sit yourself right down

    If you’ve got the time
    Help us solve a crime
    And then we’ll go out on the town

  8. Who Says:

    Use your head
    Watch us filled with dread
    Or you’ll get murdered in your bed
    Then you’ll be dead

    *bursts into tears with pride at own genius*

  9. piqued Says:

    After watching Crimewatch I get voices in my head
    I cannot think, I cannot cope, I lie awake in bed
    Getting up and getting dressed I go into the night
    I’m feeling jolly cross and I’m going to start a fight

  10. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Crimewatch needs its first host back,
    This Scotch one’s just a bloody hack.
    Why should I pay my licence fee
    To watch a Scotch on my TV?


  11. Mr Chipz Says:

    i dunt woch crimwoch coz i aint no grass

    fukin pigz!!!!!!111

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