Grand Designs


Kevin McCloud 

Digital T.V. is ace, especially free digital telly. The combination of the history channel and Dave means a chap can watch either a program about the Nazis or some macho broadcast about survival in a jungle at almost any time of day.

In the afternoons on Dave you can watch porky survivalist Ray Mears learning to bludgeon a deer to death with it’s own antlers in the traditional Navaho way. In-between bouts of Ray terrorising the local animal population and turning them into wicker spoons, there are lots of adverts. Long strings of dull adverts for manly things, because Dave is the channel for blokes, but still adverts none the less. I hate watching adverts so I switch over to another channel while they are running and watch something else.

That’s how I first got caught by Grand Designs – like members of the Who or mildly creepy comedians, I didn’t mean to get into this horrible perversion – it just sort of happened.

I should hate everything about Grand Designs. If someone at a party starts talking about their kitchen, I have to fight the urge to scribble on their face with a pen. Property bores the pants off me so much that I think about buy-to-let mortgages as an aid to delay ejaculation. Just entering Ikea or Homebase brings me out in a murderous rage that can only be placated by gin and Swedish meatballs.

The people on it are terrible. Smug middle-class types who have spent a life of wealthy mediocrity in a large detached house outside Surbiton are suddenly filled with hubris and a compulsion to build some monstrosity out of baked bean tins and concrete as a way of finally expressing themselves before they die.

They fret over window-fittings and spend thousands of pounds getting a shower that is just the right shape. One couple spent thousands having the interior of their house spray-painted to get just the right texture on their walls – and then used wallpaper instead.

It is everything I hate in an hour slot, but I can’t stop watching it. At first I watch the show with a sneer on my face, occasionally flicking Vs at the screen just to show how much I hate everyone in it, but after only five minutes I’m hooked, like the bitch that I am.

I really hope their build doesn’t go massively over-budget when they decide to get the cat flap made out of Tuscan Marble, I’ll think. Sometimes I jump for joy when they find that the asymmetric windows made from recycled spam fit in their oblong shaped floating bathroom.

I hate that I love it so much and that I’d do anything for another fix of it. Now, when I watch Ray on Dave, it’s only so I can switch over to Grand Designs and fret over if Mr and Mrs Grape-nuts have chosen the right shade of mauve for their Mock-Colonial mansion made out of old biscuits.

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46 Responses to “Grand Designs”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    Oh look – there’s a picture of Piqued’s boyfriend.


  2. Clarys Says:

    Ah, I love Grand Designs. Mostly to see what absolutely ridiculous things people do to their poor, poor houses. The bloke building a house underground was a particular brand of twat.

    Regarding Dave – it advertises some very strange things. Like Zoey 101 – a Disney type programme with Britney Spears’ younger sister in it – and yet Dave advertises the magazine that goes with it. Why? Who the hell watching it cares about Zoey 101?


  3. piqued Says:

    I fucking love Grand Designs me

    (SH, bit obscure. You alright?)

  4. Swineshead Says:

    It was in reference to that Kevin McKevin McCloud post ages ago on piqued.

    Grand Designs needs to be more sneering, if you ask me. Like Come Dine With Me is about dinners.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    There it is.

  6. piqued Says:

    Yeah, well, yeah, I…

    *runs off with bonk-on*

  7. Swineshead Says:

    He seems like a nice chap – but sadly for you he is straight. That’s the impression he gave over in his Q&A in the Guardian Weekend rag this weekend. But it could be an elaborate ruse to hide his secret affection for your big fat arse.

    Yes – BIG, FAT, ARSE I said.

  8. piqued Says:

    I read that, he’s quite a misanthrope isn’t he, at best, a cynic

  9. AJ Cann Says:

    The reason GD is so watchable is the pain the property bores obviously go through!
    Also, our Kev is not above calling a spade a spade.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    *Comment edited due to iffiness*

  11. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Why not go the whole hog and just watch paint drying for an hour? Drab TV for the terminally aspirational.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    I’m loathe to agree with Napoleon twice in one week, but GD is fucking dull.

  13. piqued Says:

    I’m loathed to disagree with you both twice in one week…

    Here are some apples, how do you like them? (dem)

  14. Swineshead Says:

    It’s ‘loathe’…
    Or is it a clever joke?

  15. piqued Says:

    It was a play on words as I was/am expecting derogatory comments from you and that nasty man U BULLIES

  16. Rosszszsss Says:

    Back to topic…

    Some Grand Designs are quite inspiring though, dontcha find? Or am I just being SUCKED INTO THE MACHINE?

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Grand Designs – a review.

    Posh twats with more money than sense build a monstrosity out of a pretty ruin creating a blot on the landscape and pissing off everyone within a five mile radius, most of whom have probably lived there all their lives and as a result are mighty pissed off about the influx of yuppie dicks into their lovely countryside. Geography teacher Kevin McCloud tries to make the viewer enthusiastic by being really nice, mistakes are made on the property which aren’t exciting because everyone knows the people doing the building are super-fucking-rich and can fix it in seconds so the show remains uninteresting. At the end Keggy McCloudMcKeg walks around the open plan nightmare and says wow a lot, practically rubbing himself off against chrome walls and heated floors. The credits roll.

  18. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I can’t be arsed. It’s not as if you can’t find reams of stuff decrying the death of home made drama, children’s TV, investigative journalism etc. thanks to this sort of point-a-camera-at-a-house 50p television. I blame those Changing Rooms devils for all this tommyrot.

  19. Rosszszsss Says:

    NO. These were good ones:

    – That one where that young couple bought an old sewage works for about thirty grand and did all the work themselves and made a desk out of a Mini which was COOL
    – that one where the man made his house out of entirely recycled stuff and which was v.inspiring and good and Kevin McCloud said was his favourite GD
    – that one where the mad old couple decided to build a castle from new

    They were three good ones that don’t fit in your FRANKLY QUITE LIMITED VIEW of Grand Designs.

    And Kevin McCloud is Mr Fitty McHot.

  20. Swineshead Says:

    Roszs you are wrong, and I will address your points in order:

    – An old sewage works? A mini for a desk? Bloody show offs. I hope they drown.
    – Here’s the best way of recycling a house – buy one off someone else.
    – I saw that castle one and it consisted of a complete arsehole trying to persuade some italians that their laws were wrong and he should be allowed to build a shithole on some lovely ruins because he was rich. The cunt. I hope HE drowns as well.
    – Keving MgGloud – we all know you have a teacher fixation Roszs, just don’t tell us where it started, for the love of all that’s decent.

  21. Rosszszsss Says:

    I’m shouting at SH by the way, stupid moderated comments that all turn up at the same time grumble grumble grumble.

    Do you not trust us not to fucking swear or something? Eh?

  22. Rosszszsss Says:

    SH – the castle one was set in the UK, so I think you are mixing it up with another episode, possibly one set in Italy. It was a sweet old couple who wanted to live in a castle so they made a miniature castle with a drawbridge and stuff. Only a curmudgeon could begrudge them their little miniature dream.

    (You = curmudgeon)

  23. Swineshead Says:

    Balls – I like moderation, it adds to my Stalin-like image of myself.

    People who want to live in castles should be locked up for their own good, unless they’re Thanes or gentry. Most people are happy in a semi-detached with a nice view.

    They’re allowed their little dream, I just don’t care about it or want to watch it, ALRIGHT?

    By the way, I know you’re only commenting heavily in order to promote your forthcoming Skins review, you tart.

  24. Rosszszsss Says:

    PS – I don’t have a ‘teacher fixation’, I just happen to only be attracted towards older men, who educate people in some way and tend towards cord jackets. It’s completely different.

  25. Rosszszsss Says:

    PPS – How dare you!

    (11th Feb kidz, review up on the 12th yeah?)

  26. Rosszszsss Says:

    “People who want to live in castles should be locked up for their own good, unless they’re Thanes or gentry.”

    Maybe people who want to live in brick structures should be sent back to their wattle and daub huts as well then.


  27. Swineshead Says:

    I think all my points are amply proven.
    Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to put my willy on a radiator.


  28. Rosszszsss Says:

    That’s no radiator, that’s your mum wearing a white metallic-effect dress.

    You sick wacko.

  29. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Maybe people who want to live in brick structures should be sent back to their wattle and daub huts as well then.


    Ooooh, get you!

    Yes, I’m buying a house, I’m not spending money I’ve earned by deceiving people on ruining the countryside with an ugly brick-pile. I am so insulted by your accurate tag!

  30. Rosszszsss Says:

    How does converting a sewage works into a house ‘ruin the countryside’? Or building an eco-house?

  31. Swineshead Says:

    I’m being flippant, Roszs, I don’t actually care enough about Grand Designs to slavishly watch it like you… you seem very fond of it…

  32. Rosszszsss Says:

    I bet you watch it with no pants on.

  33. Swineshead Says:

    I find it sad that people watch this shit. They’re trying to fill the hole in their lives with the thought that one day they might have the money and time to waste like the smug shits on GD…

    Property Ladder can fuck off as well. As if Property Development is something we should all be into. Property developers are profit-driven ARSEHOLES.

  34. Rosszszsss Says:

    It’s not aspirational, it’s just interesting.

    I don’t even own a house, and care not a jot. We’ll all be blown up by Tom Cruise in the next ten years anyway.

  35. Swineshead Says:

    I watch the people outside with no pants on. Sometimes I go outside.

  36. Clarys Says:

    I find Kev quite attractive. And I don’t have a teacher fixation.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    You’re maybe just not aware of it Clarys…

    I am extra ranty today because of lager.

  38. Rosszszsss Says:

    Clarys – I want you to stay behind and write out one hundred times “I do not have a teacher fixation”

    Does that arouse you?

  39. piqued Says:

    Don’t listen to the nasty man ladies

  40. Clarys Says:


    I think I can safely say it doesn’t. My Mum’s a teacher anyway, it totally kills the option of finding teachers shexually attractive.

  41. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    unless you fancy your mum but it’s deeply repressed. freud touches himself in hell thinking of conversations like this.

  42. Gilbert Wham Says:

    “It’s ‘loathe’”

    Actually, its ‘loath’. Anyway, all these dreadful makover/design/garden/housebuying wankfests are about the moneyshot, aren’t they? Just watch the last 5 minutes if you must.

  43. Napoleon So Urgently He Hasn't The time To Sign In Says:

    “Yes, I’m buying a house”

    STOOOOOP! This country’s full of dimwitted idiots who’ve spent the last ten years livin’ it up on credit they now can’t pay back (bet that plasma screen’s looking like a stupid fucking move now, eh? HAHAHAHAHA). Hang on a few months and you’ll be able to pick up one of the many many many cheapo reposessions that’ll be thundering onto the market.

  44. Clair Says:

    I love GD best when things go wrong for the posh bastards; a curse on them and their fucking sheeps-wool insulation and hand-made stained glass windows.

    Eat the rich!

  45. mikey Says:

    Gilbert Wham– Wise words mate!

  46. Clarys Says:

    How can you not love a programme in which the presenter says,

    “It’s fits brilliantly. Almost like a little dutch boy’s finger fits into a leaky dyke.”


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