Loose Women


Loose Women

If I had my own TV show that appealed to and was watched by people like me it would be very different to the sort of fare that usually crops up. You see, I don’t read Nuts Magazine, or Loaded, or FHM, or any so-called Lads magazines. I also don’t particularly like football, nor do I covet fake titties or expensive sports cars… I am, in every way, a failure as a male – and so are, it would seem, most of the men I know. None of my friends are the sort of drooling imbeciles that men are typically presented to be in any demographically intended media.

Come to think of it, the women I know don’t fit into any of their stereotypes either. They’re real human beings, with a variety of interests and differing personalities that aren’t easily boxed or subjected to type…

Which is why I find ITV’s Loose Women so amazing. It seems to me that a show produced by, hosted by and directed at women would find a way to subvert typically presented female roles. I’m not suggesting that it would be an all-out feminist propaganda show, just that it wouldn’t pander to image obsession, snidey criticism and the usual tabloid fodder of gossip and idle speculation. Simply put, I thought it would aim to empower women, especially the sort of women who stay in during the daytime and watch television. Seems I was dead wrong.

This whole post comes from one moment on Loose Women last week when the ladies were talking about a story involving Pierce Brosnan’s wife, Keely Shaye Smith. The 44 year old mother of four had been paparazzied wearing a bikini and there had been all manner of unpleasant comments about her in the press. Pierce Brosnan had, has and continues to say he didn’t care as he loved the size of his wife and adored everything about her.

There’s more about it here and the crucial photo that was discussed on Loose Women is here.

So – question: how would a television show aimed at women handle this subject? Would they resort to the usual reaction and chide her for her size or would they take arms alongside her and defend her right as, a normal woman, to be whatever size she wanted? Lest we forget as well, this is the wife of James Bond, someone repeatedly voted as one of the world’s sexiest men, a wildly successful actor who has bedded, on screen, some of Hollywood’s most desirable women – and he has come forward to say how much he loves his wife, his non-celebrity, size 16, normal looking wife.

Surely, this would be an ideal opportunity to affirm the shapes, sizes and Gok Wan-endorsing fabulousness of every normal woman who has ever felt pressured by constant comparisons to the celebrity waif? Would this not be an ideal chance to say: “Hey – James Bond likes a woman this size – see, you don’t have to be size 0 to get a good man”?

If I were Jackie Brambles, I’d strike one for the sisterhood.

Actually, they did none of the above. They turned on Pierce Brosnan instead. You see, it was decided that while it was perfectly ok for Keely Shaye Smith to be fat and that it was terrible that she was subjected to such a mauling, Brosnan was probably lying when he said he liked the size of his wife. These gossiply little witches decided that any man who says he likes his women large was a liar. They sat in front an audience of their peers and told them that if you were a normal sized lady with a husband who loved you, he was lying to you to be nice.

The ring-leader was Colleen Nolan; a lady of impeccable esteem. After all, she was a former large girl who signed all the right contracts when the weight fell off, a lady of such moral high ground she’ll happily hawk frozen shit to mothers and who was dumped by Shane Ritchie (I mean – come on – Shane Ritchie, it’s like being best friends with Richard Digance).

It’s worrying to see how easily we turn on each other. This culture of body fascism and celebrity fanaticism has warped television to such a degree that libel statements go unchecked and personal attacks are commonplace. This may just be a little shitty ITV daytime show, but it represents an increasing assassination culture where anything less than the perfectly sellable image is punishable by public humiliation. This woman is the non-famous wife of an actor – she’s one of them, one of the audience, one of the hosts…

TV fails us again.

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30 Responses to “Loose Women”

  1. mostlylouche Says:

    So a chap says he loves his wife, and these women say he is fibbing?

  2. Dave Medlo Says:

    Yeah, cus she’s a fatty – and no man could love a fatty…

  3. Clarys Says:


    I watched quite a bit of Loose Women when I broke my ankle (believe me, you will honestly watch anything on the TV when you can’t move very well – putting a dvd on was a mammoth undertaking).

    Anyway – I always found it to be enjoyable enough, made me laugh a bit and never offended me massively. But this attitude just seems entirely out of sync with the image they’re trying to project in the show, surely? I’m amazed that out of four women, of varying looks and sizes, cannot believe Pierce loves his wife as she is?

    Thing is, Keeley has never been thin – she attends the premieres with Brosnan and she clearly fills the dresses she wears. Quite rightly so – I actually think she looks really lovely; healthy, curvy and really womanly. From what you’ve written, they seem to think of her as some heffa.

    How could Brosnan be lying anyway? He’s married her, had children, and no stories of his alleged adultery have surfaced. So if he is lying, he’s going a veeeery long way to keep that lie up.

    What fucking rubbish, and I’m disappointed that some women can be so disparaging of their sex.

  4. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    This gaggle of gossiping fishwives need dunking in the village pond. And I forget the name of those things they used to strap to loose-tongued hags’ mouths to shut ’em up, but whatever they are, they need bridling with them as well. And then the lot of ’em need burning at the stake. The shower of jabbering shit.

  5. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Bit quiet in ‘ere today, what what? Even that drunkard Piqued is keeping his booze-addled noggin below the parapet. What’s going on? Eh? Eh?


    Hmmm … doo bi doo bi doo … la la la la la …

    *hockles up Micro Machine*

  6. piqued Says:

    a Scolds Bridle NC

    You should have little ones for your fastidious fingers

  7. Swineshead Says:

    Without comment moderation I can’t see that anyone’s commenting… it feels like I’ve had my puny balls removed.

  8. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    A scold’s bridle! Of course! Thanks for that, you hapless drunk.

  9. piqued Says:

    My plesshire u fuggin fa


  10. Clarry Says:

    As a rule I heart daytime telly, not that I get much chance to indulge myself with this forbidden fruit. But, no matter how desperate, I will NEVER watch this tripe. Even the title ‘Loose Women’ annoys me. What are they trying to say, that they get about a bit and have big fannies, or that they can’t keep their flappy gobs shut? And who picks the presenters? Given the complete stupidity of the women (if you can call them that) hosting this prog, are we at all surprised that they talk a load of shit? I’m not. They give womankind a bad name.

  11. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Clarry – Go into any newsagent – notice how three quarters of the shelves are taken up with garish, badly-written trash magazines for women? Gossip, clothes, shoes, gossip, celebrity shit, gossip etc. Loose Women is just that shit in telly form. If womankind doesn’t want a bad name, then perhaps it should stop fanning the flames by pouring millions of pounds into industries that fill their heads full of gossip, clothes, shoes, gossip, celebrity shit, gossip etc. If womankind does this, tv, magazines, newspapers etc might start thinking there’s a brain inside a woman’s skull, stop producing popcorn bullshit to appeal to the lowest common female denominator, and fire the sort of women who peddle their fishwife crap on shows like Loose Women accordingly. You get what they think you want – that’s why we men are fed a constant diet of tits, cars, tits, football, and tits (though, in my case, that’s my kind of diet), and you ladies are fed brainless filth.

  12. Rosszszsss Says:

    Grand article, Dave. Mind you, I reckon ol’ Pierce is probably just scared of skinny muscly ladies after that Russian woman tried to strangle him with her legs in Goldeneye.

    Note: She may not have been Russian, and it may not have been Goldeneye.

  13. Who Says:

    Whenever I propel myself home for luncheon, which isn’t often, I like to tune in to see which particular line up of hatchet faced old harridans they’ve wheeled out. They’re normally squawking on about how all men are crap. Dreadful biziniss. And I’m sure Katona used to get on there, pre drugs ‘n’ booze hell, aiming her giant jumper-busters stage left. Gawd bless Kerry and her giant prawn ring – I miss that advert.

  14. Clarry Says:

    I am a woman, I do have a brain, I don’t buy into the gossip/celeb culture and I don’t want this abhorrent nonsense on my telly – like most educated adult females in the UK. Yet how can I stop them from peddling it? Unfortunately for me, the types of people who are at home in the day and watching this shit (apart from ill people) are doley scum with a poor grasp on what is and isn’t normal. Although the viewing figures must be miniscule the TV execs have a cornered market and as a result ‘Loose Women’ appears to be the only thing to watch of a lunchtime. So it is their vote not mine that keeps this bilge on our screens.

  15. Dave Medlo Says:

    I think she was Russian, and that her name was Xena Onatop… which means she was a deadly spy who also liked to fuck. It’s like Dickens, that – the characters character in their name. Clever.

  16. Clarry Says:

    P.S Did anyone watch Wife Swap last night? Christ, those freegans are weirdos aren’t they?

  17. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    She can be Onatop of my Dickens anytime. Sorry, but someone was going to say it. Also, Loose Women bores me to tears.

  18. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Clarry – Then I suggest you shoot yourself whilst decrying the fall of Western Civilisation.

    Dave – Those thighs, that green jungle uniform, those hot-pants. Thanks for reminding me of that glorious moment. Munnuhuuuur huuuurrrr phnuuuurrr …

  19. Clarry Says:


  20. piqued Says:

    NC, Pierce wasn’t wearing ‘hot pants’, they were shorts.

  21. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Piqued – I hadn’t noticed. I was too busy staring at Famke Janssen’s ass squeezed into those military hot-pants. I suppose you, being a nancy boy of the worst sort, only had eyes for Brosnan.

  22. piqued Says:

    Myfwt looks like F Janssen btw

  23. Clarys Says:

    I saw Wife Swap. Worrying is what it was, worrying.

  24. Swineshead Says:

    Piqued – she doesn’t!

  25. piqued Says:

    She does so. My bro pointed it out

    She also looks like that bird from Resident Evil

  26. Swineshead Says:

    What – Milla Whatserface?

    I beg to differ…

    Besides, seems a bit crass to start talking up yer love interest.

  27. piqued Says:

    Yes, her.

    Crass? Certainly not -Valentines’ Day is round the corner, it’s quite apt…

  28. Clair Says:

    Strangely enough, Colleen Nolan has a slimming video out at the moment, which consequently means being overweight is a capital offfence – at least, until she puts the three stone she lost and then does another slimming video.

    Repeat to fade for 46 years.

  29. Smarty Says:

    This show gets worse and worse every day. I only catch it here and there while, and it’s turned into a self publicising tools for the feckless presenters (I can’t bring myself to use the term “celebrity”). That’s bad enough but, it’s gone a step further today. One of the guests had some “news”. Her daughter is getting engaged (cue….. picture of her daughter). Who on earth cares?

  30. Martin's SuperbBlog Says:

    Martin’s SuperbBlog…

    […]Loose Women « Watch With Mothers[…]…

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