Alan Carr’s Celebrity Ding Dong

by

Alan Carr 

Oh dear. Oh god. Oh holy moly mother of Jesus-titty-fucking-Christ. What is this? What the fuck is this? How did this bile inducing piece of horseflesh ever get splashed across my screen? What sins have I and by extension the rest of the country, committed in a previous life to be offered this sack of shit as Friday night entertainment?

I know what we did. We gave credence to a little thing called the Friday Night Projected. Hosted by two fucktard rejects from comedy, this piss-poor excuse for television somehow became popular and launched its mediocre frontmen to national fame. Justin Lee Collins is bad enough – a Butlins level wookie milking his yokel accent in place of charm – but the true crime that FNP commited was giving us Alan Carr.

Alan Carr. Alan Carr. Just  run that name around in your head for a second and let the syllables trickle over your tongue… Alan Carr, the carry on Columbus of modern comedy, the liberal’s excuse for homophobia, the heir apparent to Joe Pasquale…

You see Alan Carr is gay. GAY. That means he likes kissing men. Which is hilarious. HILARIOUS.  Because he’s gay he’s obsessed with cock , like all gay men are. He’s camp, and effeminate, and high pitched and squealingly consumed by innuendo… just like every other gay man in the world. He’s such a great representative of the homosexual community that he makes the women think he’s sweet and the men think he’s non-threatening… just like all gay men should be. He should work for the United Nations as an ambassador or something, he’d really further the cause.

So, Alan Carr’s Celebrity Ding Dong (ooh, see what they did there? ‘Ding dong’ is euphemism for cock) is about pitting celebrities against civilians, seeing who knows more about the other’s life. Seeing that the private life of every cunt who’s ever been television is forcefed down our throats 24 hours a day, while normal life is often held in disdain by even the lowliest X-Factor loser, it shouldn’t be too hard to guess how it works out…

Alan enters to a standing ovation (yes, a fucking standing ovation!) from the Heat subscribers who make up his audience and positions himself betwixt the huge final letter of Ding and first letter of Dong, making himself the O of self worship. He reads the autocue with the ability of a man who learnt to read yesterday and introduces the bottom scrapings that are his celebrity guests:

  • Kirsty Gallagher, who says not one fucking word all show – no doubt earning her 10 grand payday
  • Les Dennis, squandering his Ricky Gervais given second wind with all the finesse of Cuba Gooding Jr after an Oscar win
  • Konnie Huq, kick starting her unavoidable slide into lad mags pictorials
  • Davina McCall, the cackling high priestess of shit television
  • Alex somebody who might have something to do with music, but I only recognize him from a G2 fashion supplement where he talks about his kooky hat collection.

Hardly human beings, let alone celebrities…

The civilian guests enter and are no doubt picked from a gene pool of competing hilarity… each is a little funny looking,  too short or too tall and uncomfortable in their skin.

They are, are of course, from a notoriously boring town and hold down wildly dull jobs. One of them lives in a council house; Davina finds this hilarious.

And so the games begin; which takes longer to obtain, an African baby or a council house? Which is fatter; Posh’s waist or the bingo wings of a fat girl? Throughout we are treated to ‘comedy skits’, the worst of which features Derek Acorah channeling dead celebrities and giving Alan plenty of chances to say “oooh, I’ve been entered” over and over again.

The script – and it is scripted, thoroughly and entirely – is appalling, the delivery of the ‘improvised’ comedy is stage managed to the nth degree, pointing out how completely untalented anybody on the stage is. I’ve seen Brit awards ceremonies hosted by Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood that are more natural than the lines passing for banter here.

And it keeps coming like this, for 50 fucking minutes! There’s the game where you guess the cooking times of microwave food – but not just any microwave food, no, it’s microwavable faggots and spotted dick. Which is funny because Alan Carr is, like, gay. It’s hilariously clever…! You can just imagine the Hoxton underling who they sent out to buy the props for the show – hawing with laughter in the frozen section of Netto as he foraged for the cheapest, nastiest and most gay-sounding foods he could find.

It finished, somebody won and no doubt the plebs were humiliated for ever thinking they could stand in Davina’s shadow. I don’t know what happened, I couldn’t watch the end. I felt dirty, and stained by seeping homophobia and Alan Carr’s misjudged sense of irony. The whole thing was a barrel of shit, a great big filthy barrel of shit – not fit for consumption by anybody, ever. It wasn’t clever, or multi-layered, or referential, or ironic or any of the usual defenses offered – it was just a bubbling, rotting, spewing barrel of shit. 

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30 Responses to “Alan Carr’s Celebrity Ding Dong”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    I used to agree with your JLT criticisms, but having seen one of those convention things he did, I’ve taken to him. A bit.

    He should still be killed for taking part in the Friday Night Project though.

    KONNIE HUQ NIP SLIP

    (Sorry – just trying to increase traffic)

  2. mostlylouche Says:

    I actually saw an episode of this being recorded. It was dire but Alan’s off the cuff remarks were strangely amusing. Although not as amusing as

    NIGELLA LAWSON NUDE.

    (just helping traffic too)

  3. Swineshead Says:

    Why would you put yourself through such a thing?

    ALAN CARR NUDE

    (Influx of traffic caused the server to go mental – just trying to slow it down)

  4. mostlylouche Says:

    I didn’t know what I was going to see being recorded until it was too late. Peter Andre is a very strange looking man who wears ladies shirts.

  5. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I agree about the Collins. I find the bumbling West Country oaf rather endearing. Carr, on the other hand, is the spawn of Baal. I get the impression from this piece that Alan Carr’s Celebrity Ding Dong isn’t very good. Well, I’ll be. Who’d have thought a Channel 4 show on a Friday night with the word ‘celebrity’ in the title hosted by Alan Carr would be shit, eh?

    DAVID HASSELHOFF EGG WANK

    (Should stop it dead in its tracks)

  6. Swineshead Says:

    The above comment from the man who reviewed America’s Sweethearts.

  7. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    In the context of which was preferable – an alcohol overdose or America’s Sweethearts. Let’s get it right.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    That telled me.

    RICHARD WHITELY FEMDOM HUMILIATION

  9. piqued Says:

    What is with it with Konnie Huq? She looks like Deputy Dawg

    Erm, FEARNE BRTTON SCAT

  10. Swineshead Says:

    She’s very pretty indeed, unless you allow the thought of Richard Bacon putting his nub in her. Then the image sours somewhat…

  11. piqued Says:

    Konnie Huq is a poor little thing…

    I like my birds robust like Hattie Jacques or Pat Butcher

  12. mostlylouche Says:

    I always thought she was remarkably lovely. Unlike the image of.

    DOM JOLLY GAY SEX

  13. Clarry Says:

    I’m amazed…. How can anyone find Justin Lee Collins even mildly amusing?

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Try out Convention Crasher – I was anti it from the off, but was convinced and it ain’t all that bad.

  15. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    He’s a jolly little fat man, Clarry. Think Falstaff with a Wesssd Cuunddry aaaaaaccent. ‘Ow can you’m not loike thaaaaaaaaaat? And Convention Crasher’s fun. FUN.

    As for this Konnie character – the internet images I’ve seen of her tell me she needs to put a bit more meat on them bones. And she looks about twelve … which makes Swineshead a paedophile.

  16. Swineshead Says:

    You must see 12 year olds in a very different light to me, NC. In my world, they don’t look like this:

    (apologies for source)

  17. Clarry Says:

    I don’t care what the programme is, his fat little face offends my eyes. I’m afraid i’m one of those people who forms an opinion of a person/programme/place instantaneously, and it takes an awful lot to change my opinion once formed, however wrong it may turn out to be. If anyone is interested I could share my list of wrong ‘uns with you. Since it was drawn up i’m amazed how many people on it have subsequently been revealed as paedophiles or sex criminals or have been involved in scandal of some sort. I think I have a gift…..

  18. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Everyone looks twelve to me nowadays, especially coppers.

    She looks a bit more grown up in this link than in the wee little pictures of her on Google Images. She could still do with a decent meal inside her, mind … and then something else, eh lads? Lads?

  19. Dave Medlo Says:

    Do you mean a cock?
    I think you do… you’re just like Alan Carr. Cock obsessed.

  20. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I did mean one o’ them, yes. But a meat hammer that’s behaving itself, not going all European like wot Alan’s does.

  21. badgermadge Says:

    agreed. fabulous post btw. i blogged about the first ep but didn’t have time to say much about the dross. glad you did…

    http://bmtv.wordpress.com/2008/02/02/ding-wrong/

    dustin hoffman man boobs in jelly

  22. Rosszszsss Says:

    Hahaaa! This post is ace! I saw that programme and had very similar thoughts, but not couched in as sweary or humorous terms.

    WEE JIMMY KRANKIE’S LADY FLAPPAGE

  23. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Alan Carr is sickening. I have avoided the programme though, which is nice.

    lollipop lady michael winner rectal blancmange.

  24. Gilbert Wham Says:

    I would have added my twopennorth, but the ALL CAPS FILTHY IMAGES have had me in an onanistic trance. And for the record, that fat wookie is enough to drive one back to drink. I had stopped for the evening, but the very mention made me reach for the bottle.

  25. Clair Says:

    I went to see Alan Titchmarch being recorded on Monday. Please don’t kill me.

    Bella Emberg mince fanny

  26. John Stern Says:

    What studio is Ding Dong recorded in.

  27. natasha bentley Says:

    hi it is a day for fucking this world now but i cant

  28. natasha bentley Says:

    why wood we do that now
    is it shit
    buck fuck piss shit

  29. natasha bentley Says:

    not now

  30. stevo Says:

    alan carr should have been aborted, who or what the hell is this waste of space, jlc midly amusing if you laugh at yokels with a bristol accent but its very short lived, theres another bastard that needs shooting and thats johnny vegas that useless piece of shit that thinks shouting your head off like a middle age drunk is funny

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