Skins. Episode one


Before I start, I want to point out how annoying it is when you are intending on writing a review of a programme that you have watched goggle-eyed since episode one of the first series and then some Johnny-come-lately wanders down your driveway and jumps on your FUCKING BANDWAGON especially when they are one of your favourite reviewers in the world and you fancy them a bit, and therefore find yourself in the position of wanting to touch your usurper inappropriately while spitting bile into their eyes.

Despite Brooker encapsulating everything that is great about Skins in 700 neat and well-chosen words, I shall continue, pointlessly but unbowed, like Scott tootling onwards after Amundsen, but with less frostbite. Follow me onwards to the South Pole (Bristol).

Nearly a whole year has passed since series one of Skins finished. A hollow, Skinsless pit of a year. The worst year of my pathetic little life. But now it is back! Hurrah! Hang the bunting! Call the local DJ! etc etc. The last series ended with Tony (teenage arrogance given flesh) being knocked over by a lorry after doing the Machiavellian life-messing thang on all his friends and… one sec. Sorry, I know I’m incapable of writing a review of Skins without shoehorning in a few mentions of their myspace sites, but what the fuck? Tony’s PARENTS have posted a message on his profile. His parents, no less.

We like to thank [sic] everyone for the flowers, cards and well wishes you’ve sent. The thoughtful messages have been a real comfort at this very difficult time.

Jim and Anthea Stonem

Maybe da kidz have a different type of relationship with ma and pa than I did as a teenager, but is it really believable, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, really, that said kidz would tell them the password to their myspace site? I think not. There’s also a video of him in a coma on the profile, that I assume they’ve posted as well. Which is completely understandable of them, and not disturbing at all.

Anyway, onwards and downwards. Last night’s episode started with some urban dancin’, and I mean like really proper DANCIN’ from gay Skin Maxxie and some other equally implausibly beautiful teenagers (I grew up in the West Country, and people look weird down there, not all shiny and even of teeth. Even of tooth perhaps, at a push). One of them took her top off and had a see-through bra on. Saucy. Maxxie went home where his dad (Bill Bailey) practices country and western dancing with his dog. He gave up his dog dancing dream to join the construction trade, did Bill, and he thinks his son should do the same.

Tony is all spazzed up from his accident and upsetting his father with his frustrated anger at the world (Tony’s dad, incidentally is played by Harry Enfield – I wonder which ageing comedian will be invited to star next? Please, please, please let it be Russ Abbott). Max’s mum does Tony’s flies up for him. It looks like she is giving him a blow-job. Ho ho. There is a rave. Michelle gets it on with two blokes but only ‘cos her head is all messed up like, due to Tony. Sid takes acid and misses his girlfriend who is being taught the bagpipes in a mental asylum in Scotland.

There is more dancing as teens dripping in sweat take their tops off and rub against each other. ‘Chrriiiiist’ wheeze a thousand equally perspirant old men around the country.

Maxxie gets it on with one of the Asbo-homophobes who hang round his estate. Everyone goes home. It is college in the morning. Tony finally manages to sign his own name meaning that he can register for the new term (nice Somerset touch: that was an actual requirement when I was at sixth form).
 So yes, mock away, but it was great. I missed you Skins. Welcome back my loves, welcome back.

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17 Responses to “Skins. Episode one”

  1. mostlylouche Says:

    Are you myspaz friends with these fictional characters?

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Roszs, you are THIRTY YEARS OLD.


    You should be watching Judge John Deed or Casualty, not this rubbish.

  3. Rosszszsss Says:

    I don’t have myspace any more. I’m surprised they’ve not moved onto facebook to be honest.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    They’re more likely to be Beebo types aren’t they?
    Or is it ‘Bebo’?


    I want to see the bit of skins were you see a see-through bra – find me it on youtube.

  5. Rosszszsss Says:

    *clicks on favourites*

    2:42 in darlin’.

    Hur hur hur.

    They’re too old for Bebo now. They would have been Bebo in the last series but now they would be facebook.

    This myspace thing angers me.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Why do they all suddenly dance?

    Whatever happened to good old British realism?

  7. Rosszszsss Says:

    Dancing in empty churches is the new throwing up in empty parks off cheap cider. You don’t know nuffink ’bout youth cultchah boy innit.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Yes I do… I know the little shits like playing mono, tinny music on their fucking phones on my fucking bus and get narked when I aks ’ems to turn it down, blud.

  9. Rosszszsss Says:

    True dat.

  10. Les Claypool Says:

    Bah humbug.

    Teenagers should be foling the plans of The Demon headmaster, not doing this.

  11. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Sounds as awful as the last series you reviewed. I watched an extremely dull Horizon last night, and even that sounds better than this shit.

  12. Rosszszsss Says:

    Was Horizon about Skins?

  13. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    The clip served merely to reinforce my reasoning on why I shouldn’t bother watching it. It looks like Family Affairs with a more expensive camera. Even though the girl who plays Cassie (apparently) is the girlfriend of one of moi mates like. Even he doesn’t like it. What does that say eh? eh?

  14. Rosszszsss Says:

    That’s a bit unsupportive of him. Poor Cassie.

    *writes message of support on Cassie’s myspace page*

    Family Affairs were ace, weren’t it.*

    *this may be a bit fibby.

  15. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I don’t know, there’s being unsupportive and then there’s barefaced lying to her. It’s a tough choice.
    Family affairs would be good if it were on at 3am in between war films and quizcall when you’d been out and you needed a chance to nip to the toilet and eat something.

  16. Rosszszsss Says:

    Didn’t they all blow all the cast up in a massive houseboat explosion or something? That was a cunning way to cut the staffing budget, a la Emmerdale when they made a flame-covered plane fall on the village.

    Family Affairs started when I was on the dole which means I know far more about the storylines than any person rightfully should. It was a dark, dark time…

  17. Skins « Watch With Mothers Says:

    […] my last review, I pondered which ageing comedian might be wheeled on next, after appearances from Harry Enfield and Bill Bailey in the first episode. […]

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