First things first. I love the new(ish) TV channel ‘Dave’. I’m not sure it’s worth losing UKTV History at 7pm, but it does sweeten the pill slightly.

Thanks to Dave I’ve now watched every episode of Top Gear made over the last couple of years… I never knew how good it was until now. I’ve also caught up on every episode of QI and Mock the Week ever made, which for me is also a good thing. I wonder what they’re going to do though. I think I’ve seen everything on Dave’s playlist now – I hope they get some more telly programs soon or I won’t have anything else to watch.

So, in my opinion, Dave is good. That’s that sorted.

I suppose the demographic Dave is aiming at are males aged from their 20s to their 40s. Or thereabouts. I’m sure some media type could narrow it down. So what’s with the idents in between shows? They infuriate me. They might, might appeal (I suppose) to some of the more impressionable, younger, thicker members of the target audience, but surely to most of Dave’s viewers they are merely irritating?

I’m talking about the mansion full of cunts that pops up between programs, showing the occupants carrying on in a way that inspires violence.

There’s that twat on an elephant; shaved head, fighter pilot sunglasses, short sleeved shirt and a tie. An anus who minces out of the mansion wearing what looks like a velvet jacket and massive silk scarf. And an absolutely hateful cunt (and this one really is the fucking worst) who sports a ‘mohican’ (sort of), a white leather jacket and ridiculously tight red fucking jeans. And fucking ear muffs! All while he throws fucking snowballs at his mate.

Then there’s some twatty tart who pops her head out of a tent indoors, trying to look bleary eyed and yet all made-up who takes a pint of fucking milk back into the tent. For what? What’s she got in there? It’s tiny! She’s in a fucking mansion, why doesn’t she walk through to the kitchen, sit down and have the bastard butler make her an egg banjo with a proper pot of tea?

And why are they all in tents in a downstairs room when there’s about 20 bedrooms up there?

The cunts in question are in their twenties so why are they having a sleepover on the floor like children? Maybe they’re ill.

What irks me is – who thought of this? I’m not in the media, but I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to make idents appeal to the target audience. Or reflect the kind of telly shows what you put on. So why show what’s clearly a mob of twenty year old male models, all dressed as shop window dummies for places like River Island, Bay Trading and Cunt’s Clothing cavorting around like special needs arses to an audience which consists mainly of beery, plump, possibly balding heterosexual men who like watching programs about cars presented by other fat, middle-aged men?

The knobs in the Dave mansion look like the sort of people who watch nothing but Hollyoaks and Celebrity Dignity Swap on Ice.

It baffles me.

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36 Responses to “Dave”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    Top Gear = Shit hosted by that complete arsehole Clarkson

    Mock the Week = Utter drivel hosted by that berk, Darla O Brains.

    QI = Good, but only worth watching once rather than in an endless stream of repeats you half-remember seeing before.

  2. Clarys Says:

    Hang on, you appear to be slagging off your own article…me confused. Or do you actually hate Top Gear, and you were being sarcastic in your article.

    I quite like Dave, the bloke does as he loves Top Gear and QI, so it’s on a fair bit in our house. I confess, I haven’t got a fucking cue what the idents are about (and I do work in the media, and have done a sodding degree in it for fuck’s sake) and I cannot explain them. Not only do they not fit the demographic, they don’t suit the type of programmes, nothing. Their strapline is, “The home of witty banter” – there’s nothing witty about what they’re doing.

    So, I’m just as lost unfortunately.

  3. Mr Chipz Says:

    Fine…but what about the cunts in the mansion, it’s them I despise.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    Sorry – Mr Chipz done wrote it, I uploaded it.

    My mistake – amended now…

  5. Clarys Says:

    Aaaaaaaaah, now it all makes sense.

    Oh, I hate them too. Especially the bloke on the elephant, it’s something about the way he points. Maybe they were all really cheap to hire for the day?

  6. badgermadge Says:

    i was watching t’other day (at mum’s, she has freeview) and noticed the ads are weird too. mostly geared towards women… odd. maybe the ladies are wtaching Dave with their men???

  7. Swineshead Says:

    Badger – you’re forgetting that some women are lesbians, you racist.

  8. Mr Chipz Says:

    Yeah, the ads are a bit strange. I’m glad Dave isn’t going down the lad’s mag route of showing utterly gay WKD ads, Lynx ads etc…but I don’t get the abundance of ads for girls’ toys and feminine products. Maybe Swineshead is right, maybe it’s actually for lesbian ladies and not for men at all. Lesbians with children.

  9. Who Says:

    I daresay it’s either a recipe or something to do with wanking, but what’s an egg banjo?

  10. badgermadge Says:

    dave is street for lesbian, you know. send em back where they came from, that’s what i say. bloody lesbos coming over ere and takin our jobs.

  11. badgermadge Says:

    anyway, i watch dave and i am not a lesbian. well… i like looking at boobs. but not ‘down there’.

    hee hee, boobs!

  12. piqued Says:

    I like Dave on the whole, I don’t like ‘Whose Line is it Anyway’ it’s depressing

    My main complaint comes from Dave’s own jingle, the trumpet oompah loopah crap that’s louder than Krakatoa.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    Actually – I agree. These lesbians get more breaks from the government than your ordinary working man. How dare they come over here from The Greek island of Lesbos, demanding that they not pay their congestion charges and council tax. It’s a fucking outrage.

  14. Mr Chipz Says:

    An egg banjo is a fried egg bap. (that’s two euphemisms for tits, but I mean fried egg bap in the innocent sense). Cos you bite it and all egg goes down your front and you have to wipe it off making you look like you’re playing a banjo. Y’see?

  15. Who Says:

    I do, thanks Chipz. So the egg would spill out of one bap, onto two more baps – I make that three lots of tits.

  16. Swineshead Says:

    Sounds like a recipe for constipation…

  17. badgermadge Says:

    i was chatting to my (lesbian) mate who’s just got engaged the other day and we worked out that lesbian married couples have it the worst financially these days (glass ceilings and all that). gay married couples have it the best apparently.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    What’re the differences?

  19. badgermadge Says:

    i think it’s something to do with the fact that women couples are more likely to have kids – it’s easier innit, what with them having wombs and that, plus there’s the fact that women still don’t get paid the same as men for the same job *puts dugerees on and grabs the female eunuch* i think male gay couples have a more ‘disposable income’ or something.

    apparently it costs a gay couple (male or female) more to have their civil service at the local registry office than it does straight couples! according to my mate, she has to pay more because the place is ‘geared-up’ for a straight service! *rolls eyes*

  20. Swineshead Says:

    For the straight registry services I’ve attended the patter’s been so generic they might as well have just signed the forms and fucked off after five minutes. Can’t see how they’d change it for a gay wedding.

  21. badgermadge Says:

    exactly. it made me very angry on her behalf. of course, there’s all the pink ribbons and flowers they have to flounce about for male gay weddings, so…

  22. Mr Chipz Says:

    The last civil wedding I went to was fucking awful. It was officiated by some frightful drab and the whole thing looked like it should have cost a fiver. Having said that the couple getting married looked like they’d manage to stay together for about a week so maybe that was a good thing. Fucking impersonal those registry office things, even though I don’t beleive in god the churchy ones seem a bit more sincere.

    Maybe it costs gays more because they have to make the venue more fabulous?

  23. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Dave was alright until I watched Clarkson race May ‘n’ Hammond across Europe in a Bugatti for the fiftieth time. Now I hate Dave. I’m also a bit miffed they chop Top Gear up. There’s one episode they show all the time that cuts all of May out apart from him standing in the studio at the end. I’m not bothered by digital telly running fifteen minutes over the hour to fit ads in, ‘specially if it means you can watch unedited versions of Top Gear.

    As for lesbians … well, I’d charge ’em double for their weddings. All the lesbians I’ve met (and that’s fucking loads thanks to ‘er indoors having a sapphic friend, alas) have been extremely unpleasant women with enormous chips on their shoulders. I know you shouldn’t tar everyone with the same brush but, fuck it, charge ’em all double to punish all those rotten lesbo eggs I’ve met.

  24. Mr Chipz Says:

    I’d love to meet a lesbian egg, I bet it’s well horny.

    I watched two days of Dave over the weekend due to being ill and I think that’s it, I’ve seen everything they’ve got. What I want to know is why Histry stops at 7.00? While I’m something of an authority on the Third Reich surely one can never know too much?? I’m just not getting the same Nazi documentary fix that I’m used to.

  25. piqued Says:

    NC, Do you not have a remote control, have you broken your back?

    You see, if the Clarkson, May ‘n’ Hammond race across Europe had appeared a second time in my house, I’d have switched over -yet you chose to watch it 50 times before you thought, ‘hang on, Dave has shown this 49 times and this is my 50th exposure to the Clarkson, May ‘n’ Hammond race across Europe, I’ll just watch it again, then complain after…’

    You’re a nincompoop, you heard me

    (sorry about the language girls but someone had to say it)

  26. Swineshead Says:


    It’s his birthday today (he’s 58)

  27. piqued Says:

    Whose b’day?

    NC, Clarkson, May ‘n’/or Hammond

  28. Swineshead Says:

    Take a guess, idiot.

  29. piqued Says:


  30. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Piqued – Sorry I didn’t reply to your comment sooner. I was celebrating being a completely nondescript age. Now then, I didn’t turn off Dave because, unlike you, I didn’t have hours of moron TV to fall back on. Once you’ve exhausted every programme there is about Hitler/Egypt/sharks/the Titanic on the documentary channels, there’s no other option than to watch Clarkson race Hammond ‘n’ May across Europe for the umpteenth time. You, being irreparably brain-damaged, have hours of paint drying/building/gardening/cooking shows to watch instead. Normal folk just don’t have that option, as our brains would melt.

  31. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Happy Birthday.

  32. piqued Says:

    Happy birthday sweet sixteeen




  33. Gilbert Wham Says:

    Some stand-up comedian once pointed out, very aptly I thought, that gay men have more money because they don’t have a fucking girlfriend.

  34. Mr Chipz Says:

    They are expensive, the girls, aren’t they.

  35. Andrew Murphy Says:

    I like Dave too what a great channel to have on Freeview. Lost almost 4 hours of my evening watching back to back Top Gear with Mock the Week and Whose Line is it Anyway thrown in for good measure. They should have done away with QI to be honest.

  36. piqued Says:



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