Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA


Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares USA 

The USA incarnation of Kitchen Nightmares seems to be a lot more brutal than its English counterpart.

‘Why?’ I hear you cry… well let Piqued explain with his wordz, right here.

When Gordon trundles into an American eatery they’ve little idea what to expect. They may have heard that he swears and can get a bit cross sometimes but his Michelin stars and success over here, if known, are ignored. To them he’s (annoyingly) referred to as ‘Chef Ramsey’ and a TV crew is filming him and them. That’s it.

From here on in we follow the original UK pattern – save a different initial attitude for reasons just cited. Restaurant owners seem to be timid, waiting staff thick and the chefs lazy, typically arrogant and obnoxious. The latter carry on as if they quite literally own the place and do as little as possible to get by whilst the owner wrings their hands over mounting bills.

Last night was a key example, the Chef was all full of piss and wind and we discovered that, in addition to producing horrific food, he was making mash potato out of a packet, none of the veg was fresh and his kitchen was filthier than Jordan’s gusset. Said Chef, when caught out, began posturing and giving it a load of old flannel. Cue Gordon really losing his rag, despite quite threatening posturing from the Chef. The stalemate was broken following the sacking of a light-fingered member of kitchen staff and by Gordon reorganising the whole kitchen, menus and restaurant décor, which he does every week…

But unlike the UK model, after all the yelling and learnt mistakes the USA version inspires dreadful gloopy pathos then endless apologies and creepy praise in Chef Ramsey’s direction, which are in sufficient quantities to inspire the viewer to projectile vomit. Whilst we get this to a certain degree in the UK Nightmares, the Americans like nothing more than syrupy oozing sentiment. Even the gangsta Chef was all wet eyed and simpering by the end. It’s almost as if they thrive on being proved wrong.

Americans smother themselves in a veneer of niceties – it’s virtually impossible to tell if an American, on first meeting without preconceptions, is decent or a fucking right wing ignoramus. Worryingly, this veneer of niceties seems to coat anyone who has been living in the US for over five years, wherever they’re originally from. This may have something to do with immigration policy and the pledge of allegiance to the flag which encourages all residents of the USA to BE American, it’s something the UK is seeking to emulate, but that’s another matter entirely…

Anyway, the restaurant closed after five months and everyone lost their jobs, except Gordon.

Bye y’all, y’all be having a good day now…


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13 Responses to “Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA”

  1. Hux Renn Says:

    They also have a weird policy on censorship on that show, hence somebody being called a ‘M*****fucker’ several times. It also taught me that you can actually call someone ‘a blow job’ as a loud pretend mafioso kept on repeating.

    “you’re a fucking blowjob”

  2. Captain Najork Says:

    Jordan’s gusset is squeaky clean. I should know, I’m employed to thoroughly scour it thrice weekly, with a dollop of Ajax and some wire wool. You could eat your dinner off it, HONESTLEE U CUD.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    Peter Andre’s Y fronts are always immaculate in terms of skidmarks – apparently. Napoleon told me.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    You motherfucking blowjob

  5. Dave Medlo Says:

    The “you’re a fucking blowjob” moment was possibly Ramseys best USA moment… the audience sat agog as they realised that stereotypes do exist, and that they’re even more hilarious than originally thought.

    The thing I hate most about Kitchen Nightmares USA is the horrible American editing – moment, talking head, repeated moment, another talking head, alternate angle, voiceover, moment, talking head… there’s no fucking narrative to it at all, just a collection of clips which fit the prewritten story.

    In saying that, I do like it. Ramsey is like John C McGinelly from Scrubs – you haven’t got to like him, but he is right.

  6. Dave Medlo Says:

    “but his Michelin stars and success over here, if known, are ignored”

    Where are you?

  7. piqued Says:

    In the London, at my fucking desk at work… read it again Dave

  8. Swineshead Says:

    it should say ‘over there’ if we’re being pedantic.

  9. Dave Medlo Says:

    We are being pedantic.

  10. piqued Says:

    Is that the royal ‘we’?

  11. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    It’s the royal your mum. Wow I’ve had too much wine.

  12. nursemyra Says:

    “filthier than jordan’s gusset”?

    that’s priceless

  13. piqued Says:

    You’re on the other side of the world and you know of this vacuous oxygen thief. I’m truly sorry.

    (btw, you can download some movie footage of her having ‘sex’. Call me old fashioned but I’ve always felt copulation was a two-way affair, lying down on your back motionless with a Kango Hammer sized vibrator glued to your giggle horn, whilst some desperate- to-impress porko waves his prong inside your cavernous liver sock, doesn’t really epitomise a shared experience)

    Let us never speak of her again.

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