American Inventor

by

American Inventor 

Q: I say, I say, I say… what happens when you cross Dragon’s Den with American Idol and transfer it across the pond, produced in an executive manner by that Simon Cowell fellow and the Peter Jones we know and loathe?
A: You’re left with a pile of stinking shit.

It seems that to make money in American television these days, you only need to take a UK reality show that’s not yet been adapted, stick ‘America’ or ‘USA’ in the title, remove any element that made the show half-watchable in the first place and then stick it up on the box. Our American cousins will get their square eyes slavering over it in huge numbers.

I tuned in to American Inventor hoping it’d be Dragon’s Den transplanted across the Atlantic, but maintaining the basic premise. It was a foolish mistake and I’m sorry.

I was even poised to make notes throughout, the way I used to when I followed the Apprentice, making sure I got everything in. This time my scrawl finishes after a few sentences with the words ‘this is utter, utter shit’.

So where did they go wrong? Let’s bullet-point it, as if we were making a presentation to the Televisual Taste Adjudication Board.

  • Completely unconvincing edits and cutaways, clearly filmed later or before, introduced with no effort whatsoever to cover themselves up.
  • Needless celebrity panellists who had nothing to do with anything and who couldn’t offer expertise even if they had any.
  • Show offs and actors made up the ‘contestants’ rather than bona fide inventors.
  • Streams of transparently manipulative incidental music accompanied ‘whoa! he’s kooky’ contestants, fat contestants, sob story contestants etc…
  • A needless, sentimental montage involving a firefighter dominated the final quarter, inducing a bucket-load of vomit and a laughable denouement.
  • Titles, presentation style and production all complete carbon copies of the X Factor. The two styles (invention pitches / auditions) mix like orange juice and milk.

The panellists are right out of the economy drawer. Apart from Jonesy (who kowtows to the lowest common denominator at every opportunity and is only included to play the ‘cold Brit’ character), we have George Foreman, some woman who invented slimming pants and a bespectacled weirdo without portfolio.

Foreman’s clearly taken a few batterings in his time and, as a result, says yes to everything. The woman’s as thick as two tiny planks and the other bloke sits there contributing nothing.

This time, rather than the investors putting up their own money, they’ve gone and ruined it by offering a fifty grand prize to every idea that gets three ‘yes’es from the panellists. Apart from the cosmetic failures, this is where we really see the problems seep in.

In the UK version, the entrepreneurs put themselves on the line and stump up their own money, putting their reputations on the line. Here, the studio puts up the money, so it degenerates into a charity effort.

The best example of this is the aforementioned firefighter. Affable but terminally thick, he invented a ‘Guardian Angel’. The theory is that it sits atop your Christmas Tree and, should the tree burst into flames, the angel turns into a sprinkler system. For the tree. The stupidity was further compounded when this tit in a uniform pulled out his blueprint – a felt-tip monstrosity a brain-damaged goose could’ve come up with.

Ludicrous? I thought so. But all the judges gave it a ‘yes’, including Peter Jones, who in the UK version would have told the geezer to get himself fucked. But no – he’s in America where firefighters are treated as Gods, rather than the hare-brained, admirably backward part-timers they actually are.

I would go into the other inventions on display but they weren’t even breath-takingly stupid – just boringly and obviously crap and unfunny. An hour of my life gone. A whole hour.

The reason we (or maybe it’s only ‘I’) watch Dragons’ Den is to see the smart but awkward entrepreneurs make tits of themselves or praise and reward someone who’s put a lot of effort into a genius idea. There’s none of that here.

In fact, there’s nothing here apart from a badly repackaged turd of a television programme that should never, ever have been emitted from the anus of television. Avoid at all costs.

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43 Responses to “American Inventor”

  1. badgermadge Says:

    sounds more like that god=awful itv version of dragon’s den, where comedy chavs came a begging for jeff archers cash. i forget the name.

  2. badgermadge Says:

    not god=awful. god-awful. apologies.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    It’s so bad my memory’s already started erasing it. Insultingly awful.

  4. Dave Medlo Says:

    “…everything… will… be… alright…”

    If that gay Gomez Addams came anywhere near me with that fucking teddy bear I’d know that everything was most definitely not alright. What sort of dude fucks another dude who looks exactly like himself? Then invents a talking stoned childs toy that does nothing but issue placating sentences in the voice of a Soma controlled answer phone message….

  5. Swineshead Says:

    He was an ACTOR. They’re all actors. It’s a shit-fake farce.

  6. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Over the last four days I’ve eaten nothing but chips, sausages, kebabs, boiled eggs, and marmite (the missus was away). I defy anyone to follow me into the bathroom breathing through their nostrils after I’ve taken a shit later today. Oh yes.

  7. Swineshead Says:

    What did you spread the marmite on if you’ve eaten nothing but those things? Kebabs smeared in marmite?

  8. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I ate it out of the jar with a spoon.

  9. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I did that with Bovril once. And now I’m dead.

  10. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    It required a lot of grinning and bearing it. Neat Marmite in spoonfuls is a dangerous beast for your taste buds to wrestle with. Thankfully I had shitloads of REAL ALE to wash it down – none of that poncified Euro-lager poofters drink.

    I’ve had that crap now, by the way. I’m delighted to say my predictions about it’s potency were entirely accurate. I wasn’t, however, prepared for the girth – if women think they’re the only ones that know what pain’s all about, they should try giving birth to a monster like that once in a while. Honestly, it was big enough to warrant a birth certificate and a National Insurance number.

  11. Who Says:

    Thank Christ for that, I have been very worried. Congratulations on what I trust was a safe and speedy delivery.

  12. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Is it a boy?

  13. piqued Says:

    Bovril makes a lovely greasy drink, it’s delicious with a plate of piss

  14. mikey Says:

    Marmite washed down with beer! Thats a lot of yeast. Interestingly enough marmite IS a by product of the brewing industry. Marmite is produced in Burton Upon Trent which is/was a major brewing town.

    Does the websites fav express chef have any Marmite recipes?

  15. piqued Says:

    Mikey, you can try this

    *get some toast

    *put Marmite on it

    Hey presto, toast ‘N marm

    (ite)

  16. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    That entirely depends on whether you can be arsed to buy the bread. I personally couldn’t, hence eating Marmite neat from the jar. The same happens with cereals – I can’t remember when I last had ’em with milk, they usually get shovelled in dry from my clenched paw.

    I’ve just been to the toilet again, by the way. The folly of living off nothing but sausages and what-have-you can’t be emphasised enough. I find myself dealing with the same quandry an after-the-event drinker has when he’s spent a morning in the company of the monstrous Montezuma – was it the beer, the kebab, or the curry that turned my arse against me? In my case, I’ve opened the investigation by taking a long hard look at the half dozen boiled eggs I washed down with Abbot Ale. Was it them, or that kebab/Firsty Ferret combo? Watson, THE GAME’S AFOOT!

  17. mikey Says:

    Come on piqued..I expected something more challenging from you.
    At least Marmite soldiers and a boiled egg.

  18. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    He’s busy, Mikey. He’s having to field so many more comments on his site since he told us you didn’t need to log into it any more. If you want to join in the fun, go to his site, log in, and say what you want.

  19. mikey Says:

    I am a loyal fan of this site. If I start looking at other sites then I would never get anything done.

  20. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    God knows why. We’re all pricks. You only have to read the comments to realise that.

    COME ON, YOU WWM BASTARDS! I’M READY FOR YOU.

  21. piqued Says:

    I’ve decided to shirk all blame for the fiasco on my website, I’ve done all of the necessary twiddlings in my options to allow any tom dick and mikey to post until they’re actually blue coloured in their fass

    You hear me NC, I’ve shirked

  22. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’ll go and check that out in a minute. Obviously, I’ll keep my WordPress user ID handy, as I’ll no doubt have to log in now you’ve fixed it.

  23. mikey Says:

    Here’s one for you copied and pasted…

    Ingredients
    For 2 people (Vegetarian)

    2 pre-made mini pizza bases
    2 dessertspoons tomato puree
    2 handfuls baby spinach leaves
    4 chestnut mushrooms, sliced
    2 Italian plum tomatoes, sliced
    1 teaspoon Marmite
    freshly ground black pepper
    2 dessertspoons crème fraiche
    olive oil
    fresh basil to garnish

    Recipe
    Pre-heat the oven to medium hot. Onto each pizza base spread half the Marmite and tomato puree, followed by half the fresh spinach. Next lay on half the mushroom slices followed by the tomato slices. Season with fresh black pepper and drizzle with olive oil.
    Cook in the oven for 10-15 minutes or until the pizza is cooked through. Serve with a dollop of crème fraiche and a sprig of fresh basil.

  24. mikey Says:

    thanks to: http://www.breakfastandbrunch.com/marmite.php

  25. mikey Says:

    piqued can you try it out and let us know if it is any good!

  26. mikey Says:

    btw is the moderation facility working..postings seem to be going right through immediatly.

  27. piqued Says:

    Mikey, if you lose the pre-made bases and use pitta bread, and ignore the rather unnecessary garnish, you’ve basically got ‘Piqued’s Posh Prol Pizza’ as enjoyed by the likes of Matthew Wright and Daniella Lloyd

  28. mikey Says:

    Who???

  29. piqued Says:

    exactly

  30. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I reckon everyone’s dead wot writes this site. Well … not me, obviously.

  31. Swineshead Says:

    Do us an article then… go on.
    I’m up to my ears in glamorous work.

  32. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Same here, I’m afraid. If you can call it work, o’course (which you can’t). Plus, I’ve not watched any telly in ages – apart from the news and Question Time. And they’re hardly funny, are they? And I’m injured. Why can’t that lazy slob Piqued write something?

  33. Who Says:

    Changing the subject, I need to know which of the Two Fat Ladies was fattest. Does anyone actually know?

  34. Swineshead Says:

    I presume it was the one who died. The fat one.
    Apparently she was a beauty when she was a young lady. I need evidence of this.

  35. piqued Says:

    I may well write something… pray tell NC, what part of you is injured? Have you broken a nail again?

  36. Who Says:

    I think the surviving one is biggest. They were on yesterday and she seemed to noticeably inflate, depending upon whereabouts in the series they were and how many packets of butter and pints of cream they were hurling into the pot.

    I too have heard she was much admired and presented at Court, etc. I am finding this difficult to accept without seeing a picture.

  37. piqued Says:

    I loved the two fat ladies, here is a picture of them in happier days

  38. Who Says:

    Ah, they was so pretty. I printtid it orf and sticked it on my ‘puter.

  39. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’ve hurt all manner of bits ‘n’ bobs after investing in a mung bean machine. Serves me right, I should have bought a car like normal people.

    The fattest one out of those fat ladies was the fat one what cooked all them dinners, I reckon.

  40. Badger Madge Says:

    hhheeellloooooo?!

  41. Dave Medlo Says:

    …anyone there…?

  42. ATL Says:

    This show is so shit cant believe im watching it as i type this, no talent what so ever just reinforces that all of america is as thick as fuckkkk! Even the foreigners!

  43. Swineshead Says:

    You’d be right, ATL, if they weren’t all actors rather than genuine members of the public. But they aren’t genuine contenders, so you are wrong.

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