Archive for March 26th, 2008

The Apprentice 2008 – Preview Part 2

March 26, 2008

Alan Sugar 

Ok – let’s have a look at the rest…

Katie Hopkins

What’s this? You’re not allowed a second pop at the Apprentice! This ain’t the X Factor Katie – so fuck off and take your Fido Dido look with you. You bloody cheat.

Jennifer Maguire

This is the one who got all confused in the trailer, mistakenly declaring herself to be the best salesperson in Europe. Jennifer can apparently sell pieces of paper for 50 quid and make a living out of it. I’ll wager those pieces of paper are hundred quid notes. You’re not going to make a living doing that Jennifer, but you’ll make plenty of friends – you moron.

Sara Dhada

‘Naturally glamorous’ Sara ‘da-da!’ Dhada is a trained lawyer with scary eyes. She wants to follow in her father’s footsteps (he was a millionaire by the time he was 25). But we also learn she had to ‘save the family company’ at some point – so presumably his millionaire status was flagging by the time his daughter was adult. Effectively, she wants to follow in her father’s footsteps by getting rich quick then fucking it up. Great.

Kevin Shaw

‘Never trust a Kevin’. That’s what my old ma used to say to me – and she turned out to be right. Just look at K-Fed, currently framing B-Speares for insanity and child abuse. Kevin Keegan? False Geordie messiah. So I don’t trust Kevin Shaw neither – what with his ‘come on, reckon yer ‘ard?’ expression and his lop-sided quiff. You’ll never win, Kevin. Never.

Simon Smith

When Simon visits the hairdressing salon, he asks the scissor-man to make his head resemble the teardrop his last employer shed when he realised what a pack of lies Simon had presented him with. Teardrop-headed Simon is 35 and falls for little old ladies.

Michael Sophocles

The first rule of manipulation? Never say ‘I will manipulate others if necessary’. FAIL.

Helene Speight

‘Single Helene is equally at home drinking wine with the girls and having a pint watching the rugby’. So she’s comfortable drinking with anyone then. That’s an attractive quality – alcoholism. Definitely one for the ‘hobbies and interests’ section of your CV Helene…

Alex Wotherspoon

Come off it, sunshine. At least brush your hair before a televised job interview. You’re not fooling anyone with your little-boy-lost routine. I know Ambrose won the last season by being an eight-year-old in the body of a twentysomething, but surely Sugar’s got wise to that by now? Having said that, Alex manages to be single while having a girlfriend. If he can market the secret to how that works, he’ll make a small bloody fortune.

And that’s your lot. Tune in tonight to watch them hash up a pointless task. Laugh at their idiocy. Avoid pondering the fact that you’d screw it up too. Go to bed. Talk about it at work the next day. Work until retirement. Die.

The Apprentice 2008 – Preview

March 26, 2008

The Apprentice

Take the nooses down, drop the razor blades, take the electric heaters out of the bathroom and get off the edges of those very tall buildings – The Apprentice is back!

Starting tonight on BBC1, 16 idiotic, unimpressive hopefuls will compete in British television’s only watchable reality tripe to win a not-particularly-good job in a beige office in Brentwood. And I, for one, can’t bloody wait. Even the trailer’s amusing, with one of the contestants declaring ‘I would say I’m the best salesperson in… probably Europe’. The lack of self-awareness and bravado on display is already marvellous and it’s not even started yet. I suspect the production team talk them into making these kind of bullshit statements, touching them up with toadying comments, offering them redbull and injecting charlie into their pert young buttocks whilst they’re not looking.

For those of you who, like me, are chomping at the bit to watch this rubbish, you can click here and have a preview of the pin-stripe pricks lined up for your entertainment. In fact, while you’re here, let’s have a look at the pick of the bunch together.

Nicholas de-Lacy Brown

ARGH! What the fuck?! What tree did they shake this weirdo from? I suspect it was the weirdo willow. With that clit-tickling beard, harsh parting and blank thousand yard stare, this bozo screams entertainment from the get-go. Your card’s marked, de-Lacy Brown!

Lindi Mngaza

She’s certainly winning me over on the pretty face front – but then we have a peek at Lindi’s credentials and see she’s achieved NVQs in Customer Services. Plural! Does that mean she’s worked in more than one branch of Specsavers? Well done, love.

Ian Stringer

They’re making these up aren’t they? ‘Separated from his wife – he still likes to spend time with his children’. You’ll not get any sympathy from me, Ian, especially not with that stern expression on your face. And have a word with your barber.

Raef Bjayou

‘Bluuuuue Bjayoooou’ as squinty eyed crooner Roy Orbison once didn’t sing in the past. There seems to be a weird haircut competition going on here. Can anyone join in, Raef? Raef’s interests include Cognac.

Jenny Celerier

Fiery redhead Jenny ‘is a stickler for detail’. She also has a very thin face and an unpronouncable name. Apparently she’s been named ‘Salesperson of the Year’ three times – but the source is unquoted. I’ve been named ‘Best Lover of the Year’ a record four times, by voices in my head whilst I’m having a Tommy Tank. IT MEANS NOTHING, JENNY.

I’m running out of steam over here… there’s SIXTEEN of the bastards. SIX bloody TEEN.
Eight now, eight later. That’s a deal.

Shazia Wahab

Shazia is unique amongst the other contestants in that there’s absolutely nothing in her profile to laugh at. Or take note of, for that matter. She’s one of eleven children who has, it seems, done bloody well for herself. Well done Shazia but you’d better have a personality or yer fired. This is television, not a job interview after all.

Claire Young

‘Johannesburg-born Claire Young is nicknamed the Rottweiler because of her ability to go after whatever she wants’. And also because she pisses in public without shame. And looks like a Rottweiler. She was once a club 18-30 holiday rep, so don’t go expecting anything particularly intelligent to come out of her face. Most likely to urge the others to drink ten shots in a row and get their tits out for the lads.

Lee McQueen

B-Tec educated Lee has a papier-mache face and an icy stare that could wither even the most robust cactus. He inevitably likes football and rugby and apparently does impressions of ‘reverse pterodactyls’. So that’s a gag to watch out for. Go Lee, with your hilarious impressions of things that existed years ago going backwards.

To be continued…

Get back to work.