Are you hopelessly addicted to the shower of shit that is Holby City? I am. I started watching it when my better half was laid up in bed with a broken ankle and we didn’t have cable.
At first, I correctly identified it as being overblown, silly rubbish … but then I suddenly realised what a cracking character Connie Beauchamp was and then there was no hope of rescue. Now I won’t miss an episode – Holby City is my television drug of choice.
Connie’s the key. For those who haven’t spiralled down the rabbit hole yet, Connie’s the big cheese surgeon over at Holby and she’s an absolute fucking bitch. In my opinion, she’s the greatest depiction of a bitch television’s ever seen. If you stuck her in a bear-pit with Joan Collins, Kate O’Mara, and Stephanie Beacham (fuck it, let’s have ’em all topless), Connie would tear them to pieces, smearing her naked bitch-tits with fresh bitch blood. She really is a fucking bitch. The bitch.
And talking of bitches, you also have Jack Naylor gracing the corridors of Holby. She’s a junior bitch, earning her bitch stripes by fucking her boyfriend’s father. She also looks like Skeletor, which means she’s evil. Recently, she was accused of stabbing the man who tried to rape her a few months ago and ended up in Holby’s sister show, Holby Blue. Holby Blue, or The Shouting Regional Policeman Show as it should be more accurately called, has therefore sucked me in by concluding Jack’s recent storyline. The BBC pulled a fast one here by making me watch their other Holby show. Now all they need to do is land one of the Holby surgeons in Casualty and then they’ve dragged me into all three of these shows. Then I’ll do nothing but watch television programmes set in fictional Westcountry cities. The swines.
For those of you interested in selling your soul to Holby City, here’s my handy guide to the chief runners ‘n’ riders. This list is subject to change, as the cast comes and goes in this show faster than you can say Jack Robinson.
Rick Griffin – Holby’s other senior big cheese surgeon guy. Rick’s concerned about the plight of African children and once sewed a pig’s kidney into a man with his mate Adrian Edmonson off of The Young Ones.
Elliot Hope – Nigel from EastEnders with a beard. Elliot spends his life eating odd sandwiches and once helped his wife top herself. His son was addicted to heroin but got better after Elliot was visited by the ghost of Richard Briers at Christmas. That’s not a lie.
Connie Beauchamp – As mentioned, Connie’s a bitch. She shouts at everyone, shouts some more and then does some surgery. By God, I can’t be the only man in Britain to want to march this woman around a bedroom, can I?
Joseph Burn – A twitching lunatic who’s going out with Patsy Kensit off of the 80s. Patsy’s a spider woman and will try murdering Joseph at some stage, I reckon. Joseph’s mother is Jane Asher and his dad used to be Ronald Pickup. Pickup died after spending a long time fucking Joseph’s girlfriend. As you do.
Jack Naylor – A cunt of a woman who’d sell her own mother into slavery to get ahead. Recently arrested on false charges, Jack spent her time in The Shouting Regional Policeman Show shouting at two shouting regional policeman. The two shouting policeman shouted her down and she started crying. This amazed me, as I didn’t think succubi from the very lowest levels of Hell had tear-ducts.
Mark Williams – Formerly Jesus of Nazareth, Mark became addicted to cocaine but then went away for two weeks and was a lot better. Mark spends his time arguing with the new surgeon Linden. Every single episode has him saying, “You can’t perform a (insert surgical procedure here) on this ward, we haven’t got the right equipment!” Then Linden performs it anyway and it all turns out alright. You’d think Mark would learn from this, but he never does.
Chrissie Williams – Mark’s daughter, Chrissie is Holby’s resident bike. She likes ’em all different shapes, sizes and colours and doesn’t seem to mind who owns ’em as long as they get ’em up ‘er. Ahem. Chrissies’ latest squeeze ended up carving up her face with a scalpel in an alcoholic rage. He was Irish, so she should have seen the signs.
Faye Morton – A Black Widow with loads of dead husbands under her belt. Her latest victim is Joseph, a rich lord who’d better watch his back. Faye has the most annoying voice in Holby City, principally because it belongs to Patsy Kensit.
Donna Jackson – A tart with a heart of gold. Still a tart, mind. Donna is the only character that works in a Westcountry city hospital to speak with a Westcountry accent. This means she sticks out like a sore thumb, weirdly. She’s also a blithering idiot. Nice legs though.
So there you go. There are plenty of other characters to discover in Holby City if you care to become addicted to this drivel. If you do, you’ll soon find your life dominated by such questions as:
Why was Michael attacked by a man in the car park on his first day?
When’s Sam’s cancer going to clear up so he can get back to philandering?
Whose cock is Chrissie going to home in on next?
Why has nobody cared to query why Elliot’s harrowing drug nightmare with his boy was suddenly resolved, and resolved by the ghost of Richard Briers at that?
How come you can up-sticks and leave Holby for fucking months, then come back and not face a disciplinary hearing?
Should I leave my missus and stalk Connie Beauchamp?
Still, gives you something to do while you wait for death.
Tags: BBC 1, Casualty, Chrissie Williams, Connie Beauchamp, Donna Jackson, Elliot Hope, Faye Morton, Holby Blue, Holby City, Jack Naylor, Joseph Burn, Mark Williams, Richard Briers, Rick Griffin, The UK