Eastenders – Ricky ‘n’ Bianca


 Ricky & Bianca

I think the only return that comes close in significance to Ricky ‘n’ Bianca’s return to EastEnders is Jesus’s triumphant return to Jerusalem – the event that would set off a chain reaction that would lead, ultimately, to the long-haired layabout getting himself nailed up by what Mel Gibson would describe as ‘the fucking Jews, sugatits.’

First, let’s examine the Return Of Ricky (or: Sid Owen’s Run Out Of Money Again).

Did someone at an EastEnders plot meeting say:

“Hey, we’ve had Max’s affair with Stacey uncovered, Jim having a stroke, Phil’s wife falling off a roof, Kevin ending up with half a car punched through his guts, Shirley staring down the barrels of being one tit down, Bobby Davro showing up for no obvious reason anyone can see, the usual rubbish Asian family storyline, Dorothy terrorised by hoodies, Max being buried alive, Dino returning for ten minutes to pull the same just out of prison/transformed into a bad-boy shtick Martin did a few years ago, the Northern man’s boy stabbed-up, and Keith sitting in a chair scratching his arse … but, you know? I don’t think there’s enough going on. What we need, see, is a curmudgeonly car mechanic with a strange and unspecified nasal complaint who did nothing the last time we had him back, and will do nothing this time. Shall we, ladies and gentleman, invite Sid Owen back to the show?”

Was the sad death of the wrong Mike Reid enough to justify the return of one of EastEnders’ least interesting characters? Couldn’t they have left Ricky up in Manchester along with the other thousand ex-cast members, leaving us to wallow in the thought that Funtime Frankie’s still out there somewhere, being Frank? Apparently not.

So, what do I see when I look in my crystal ball and examine what’s coming up for Ricky? Well …

  • Phil gives Ricky his job back.
  • Ricky befriends Gus, Minty, Gary and the utterly pointless Mickey.
  • Ricky, Minty, Gus, Gary and Mickey go on a jolly boy’s outing to Margate or Saaaaarfend and many japes and chuckles ensue.
  • Ricky gets back with the monstrous Bianca.
  • Ricky, Minty, Gary, Gus, and Mickey drink ‘bottles of lager’ in the Queen Vic.
  • Phil gets into a spot of bother and Ricky helps him out of it.
  • Ricky and Bianca fall out.
  • Ricky leaves EastEnders again.

Well I don’t know about you, but I’m slavering at the prospect of the fun ‘n’ games a towering character such as Ricky Butcher can bring to the show. Who next in the cavalcade of dull and uninteresting ex-residents of Walford could they bring back?

Oz from Ozcabs? Ted Hills? The ghost of Roy Evans?

Well no, actually. Because the one they’re bringing back next is the one that should have been murdered so she could never, ever return to EastEnders.

Who decided that a screeching, rangy tart was what was missing from EastEnders? Surely we’ve already got enough awful tarts in the show, haven’t we? Isn’t the ghastly Shirley, the awful Stacey and that dreadful jizz-mop Chelsea enough to be getting on with?

No, it’s not apparently. So we get the Return Of Bianca – the event I was hoping never to see happen. This means we can look forward to her appalling caterwauling. This means we can look forward to the actress playing her not being able to act. Worst of all, this means the door has been left slightly ajar;  a crack wide enough for the worst character in EastEnders history to slide through:

Robbie, Bianca’s Bloody Brother.

That’s Dean Gaffney, in case you’d forgotten. MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON OUR SOULS.

Oh, I’m looking forward to this! The Dull and the Dreadful reuniting to annoy and bore us in equal measure. I was just getting used to Shirley’s Bela Lugosi face, hideous forthcoming coupling with Phil and general awfulness. I was just getting over the facial spasms of rage when Chelsea says ‘arksk’ instead of the more formal ‘ask’. I’d finally got over my temptation to burn my television whenever I think of the blatant injustice that is Winston’s meagre salary compared to Mickey’s. But Bianca? Coming back? I don’t think I can bare that. I might have to defect to Corrie – and that show’s appalling.

And, as a final thought, have you noticed in the recent advert for these awful characters’ return, Bianca is still wearing the same silver puffa jacket, red trousers and pink boots she was wearing in the 90s? Is there a special Bianca Shop where you can buy mid-90s Bianca clothes? Surely Pat’s not kept her outfit in mothballs all these years, has she? I find this really weird.

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109 Responses to “Eastenders – Ricky ‘n’ Bianca”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Arks’ is how afro-Caribbean people say ‘ask’. It’s authentic. You’ll learnt that after you’ve made your hypocritical move to London.

    And leave Chelsea alone. She may be an offensively bad actor and she may have the gormless gaze of a lobotomy patient, but I fancy her – so LEAVE OFF.

    Agree on Ricky and Bianca though. R n B.
    I find it very suspect that they’ve saddled Bianca with a ton of offspring like some outrageous chav stereotype.

    I loved the cheesy Frank goodbye though. Poor old Pat – Pam St Clement’s finest hour that was.

  2. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    That episode was appalling. The weird voiceovers, the fact Janine was back despite having murdered the mighty Barry Evans, the odd black ‘n’ white flashbacks … fucking shite. Still, Peggy calling Pat a ‘fat old tart’ was fun.

    As for ‘arks’, I don’t give a fuck what colour or creed of person says it. It annoys me. It always has done. It annoyed me when I was living daaaahn saaaarf and you were in Sheffield, and it annoys me now I’m in Sheffield and you’re daaaaahn saaaaarf.

    And why have they saddled her with that family? When was that godawful Ricky ‘n’ Bianca special broadcast? Because she only had the one bairn then, and now seems to have a whole brood, including a teenage daughter. As you say – suspect.

  3. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    And the sentence you’ve decided to change from “The Dull and the Dreadful reunite …” to “The dull and the dreadful reunion …” wasn’t what I meant at all, and leaves a dead sentence that doesn’t go anywhere. Ricky = The Dull, Bianca = The Dreadful. See? Put it back the way it was, please.

  4. piqued Says:

    You both watch Eastenders

    Both of you…

    And NC watches Holby AND Eastenders, I can just see him curled up on the fucking sofa in a fire begging nylon dressing gown with a cup of diet Horlicks and a well thumbed copy of TV Quick on his faux mahogany coffee table the goggle-eyed vacuous git.

  5. piqued Says:

    Oh, the cup would have ‘I *heart* cats’ on it as well, bender

  6. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Fucking editors get my goat, by the way.

  7. Swineshead Says:

    Balls – it’s your fault for not putting capitals on ‘Dull’ and ‘Dreadful’. I’ll fix it WITH capitals so it makes more sense, you idiot.

  8. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Didn’t I? Oh, well I take it all back, sorry. Still change it though, yes? Yes?

    And I’ll take no lessons in woofter watching habits from the likes of you, Piqued. My watching of two shabby soap operas is nothing compared to your slavish devotion to home design programmes and cookery shows.

  9. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    AND you describe that rubbish you eat as ‘sensational’ on your blog, whilst I remember. What more evidence does the Inquisition For Rooting Out Secret Shirt-Lifters need, eh? EH?

  10. Swineshead Says:

    Have to agree with NC on TV choices, Piqued – you watch Grand Designs, you fucking idiot.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    Hey guys, let’s lose the homophobia, eh?

  12. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    It’s only said in jest, Swinsehead. None of my best friends are gay, etc.

  13. piqued Says:

    I do watch Grand Designs, a show with a purpose, it’s educashunnal

    You watch Eastenders, sort of thing pedos watch with their mums

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Piqued started it. I expect a full apology from feckless nerk.

  15. piqued Says:

    I called NC a ‘bender’

    How is that homophobic? U TEL ME HOW

  16. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Bender’ is a derogatory term for a gay gentleman. Or so I’ve been led to believe. Am I wrong?

  17. Swineshead Says:

    And how the fuck is Grand Designs educational?
    It’s only educational in that it programmes you to believe that rich people have taste.

  18. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I agree with Swineshead.

    And what’s your excuse for that woeful bag of shit, Masterchef?

  19. Who Says:

    Leave Ali, his Freddie Mercury looky likey womanising brother Mehmet and Ozcabs out of this – they was good and I stopped watching when they wasn’t in it anymore.

  20. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Where’s The Apprentice review? Get your bloody arse in gear, Swineshead.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    Up in a few minutes, you utter bastard.

  22. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:


  23. piqued Says:

    I’m not done yet, Grand Designs isn’t for the rich, just goes to show you’ve never watched it… Educational in terms of modern building, the aesthetics of architecture, building design/components, eco-housing… we all care about the environment do we not? We all live in houses do we not?*

    *save NC who lives in a hole on a heath

  24. Swineshead Says:

    Isn’t for the rich?!

    YOU’VE clearly never watched it, you mental.

    Yes, despite my hefty mortgage and the fact I’m just about keeping my head above the water in expensive London, I think I’ll convert a fucking water tower – I’ll only need a two year sabbatical and the best brickies in the business.

    ‘ave a word with yerself.

  25. piqued Says:

    Builds are usually around the 200,000 mark in Wales, someone buys a crumbling abbey and the land for 20k and spend the rest on doing it up. They borrow from the bank hedging the overall worth of the final build.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    Wales? Where’s that?

  27. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    So fucking what? I don’t spend hours watching people working on a building site, and I don’t waste my time watching paint fucking drying. Never mind that this sort of tawdry, 10p TV is a showcase for poncey twits, it’s the fact that it has not an ounce of intelligence about it whatsoever. The same goes for that dreadful crap with that insufferable posh woman looking at houses. That rubbish is an estate agent’s window brought to life on the telly in the place of a proper programme. Say what you want about EastEnders, but at least some effort has gone into its storytelling, bad or good. Garbage like Grand Designs is pointing a camera at a brick whilst an idiot talks about said brick to an audience of have-nots. Great TV … if you’re a lobotomised monkey.

  28. piqued Says:

    It’s near misery and sheep, just by all just fields and underage sex

  29. Swineshead Says:

    Never heard of Wales, so you must be lying.

    I’m with NC on this. I may watch the likes of Masterchef once in a while, but I’d never attempt to defend it the way you are. you’re acting as though it’s good enough to show in schools. It’s just fluff, mate.

  30. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I, too, have watched my fair share of shit. I wouldn’t, however, jump to the defence of this stuff as if I had personally made it.

  31. piqued Says:

    NC, I don’t watch property shows.

    Grand Designs is about architecture, design, like art, it offers ones mind to indulge in slightly loftier thinking over and above a couple of faux-slatterns shrieking at each other in a fucking pretend kitchen.

    Please, you go ahead and enjoy the fruits of the champagne swilling actors and writers that work on Eastenders patronisingly positing a view of the working class shit eating poor. You heard Pam St. Clements talk in real life? She’s plumier than a row of Damsons.

    Whatever you think about it Grand Designs is at least real.

  32. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t feel patronised by Eastenders. Do you really? What a remarkable thing to say.

    GD may well be real, but it’s also ambient tv at its best.

    Shots of no house
    Shots of house

  33. piqued Says:

    It’s a fucking soap opera for crying out loud, it’s not real life

  34. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    It’s a story. You might have heard of ’em. They’ve been popular since the dawn of man. Whether it’s any good or not is a matter for opinion.

    What’s not up for dispute, however, is that Grand Designs is:

    A property show
    Cheap, unimaginative TV
    No fucking different in format from Ground Force

    Art and architecture, my arse! It’s building a bloody house. Talk about dressing up fluff! Does that make Masterchef a masterclass in creativity, you pompous ass?

  35. Swineshead Says:

    You’re being a misguided snob, Monsieur Piqued.

  36. piqued Says:

    Story? A story by definition has an end. i.e., it’s not a story, it’s a soap opera.

    Have they been popular since the dawn of man?

    I don’t recall any cave paintings featuring a pair of over paid Neanderthal womenfolk being all apples and pears and hows your father arguing by an open fire.

    Antonio Gaudi, Tadao Ando, Aldo Rossi, Carlo Scarpa, Le Corbusier, Frank Lloyd Wright, Richard Rogers -famous architects who inspirations are consistently reflected in some of the designs featured on the show (that you’ve never seen)

    Slightly more inspiring than Winston sloping about in the background while 2 cunts moan about flu

  37. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I often wonder if people don’t just read this site to see us three squabbling.

  38. piqued Says:

    Watching fake poor people suffering whilst one enjoys the trappings of middle class is unadulterated schadenfreude

    Enjoying a couple achieve their dreams through hard graft guts and determination with a lot less than money than it costs to own a 1 bedroom flat in London doesn’t make me a snob, SH

  39. Swineshead Says:

    We do well on readers according to the stats but I think they mainly come because we have the word ‘mothers’ in our name. People like ‘mothers’ for some weird reasons.

    As for Piqued – Dickens’ stories were serialised. So you only like stories that have a definitive end? How simplistic of you.

    Oh look – you named some architects! Wikipedia’s very useful.

  40. piqued Says:

    Three people squabbling? How about them watching two nasty men bully one sensitive, kind, bookish type who just happens to have a dick like a tube of Pringles

  41. Swineshead Says:

    Listing the names of architects to try and look clever makes you a snob.

    Oh right – so you’re discounting any British realism now – I presumeneither you nor I can watch Mike Leigh films any more – what with being so middle class and all that? Fuck off.

    As for your backing up the indefensible with the financial thing – it’s all done via the bank, like any fucking mortgage/loan. And banks don’t lend cash to people unless they can pay it back.

    If I sold my flat and went back to renting, then approached my bank manager for a massive loan to build a house from scratch he’d fucking laugh at me. If I earned a lot more than I do he’d say ‘yes’ because I’d be able to pay it back. Mortgages are different to loans as any fucker can get them (or could until about two weeks ago)

    Ergo it’s about rich people.

  42. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Storylines end all the time on the show, you pompous git. And well done for trying to be clever (you’re not awfully good at it, are you?) with your smashing caveman reference. Not my point, but nice to see you making the effort, bless.

    As for your list of architects? Congratulations! You’ve heard of some architects. My hat’s off to you on that one (doesn’t stop your sorry little telly programme being a Ground Force rip-off, mind).

    And as for being an inspiration? So you’re at architect school now, are you? Learning how you, too, can design a posh bloke’s house? Well, good luck with that, you inspired little devil, you (pompous ass).

  43. Swineshead Says:

    ‘bookish type who just happens to have a dick like a tube of Pringles’

    Full of crisps? You disgust me.

  44. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    ‘Bookish type’, as long as it’s the RIGHT books, let’s not forget.

  45. Swineshead Says:

    Mucky ones, with ugly old women sitting on worms.

  46. piqued Says:

    Wikipedia… I have a background if you care to recall.

    Look at you both desperately trying to justify watching Eastenders, it’s pathetic, references to Mike Leigh and Dickens is no better than me mentioning Frank Lloyd Wright, save I have a relevant point to make.

    SH, you’re telling me Eastenders is as good as Naked or A Tale of Two Cities? Don’t lie to yourself. As for Grand Designs, we’ve discussed the finances before, you can tell me it’s about rich people until you shit diamonds, but you’d still be wrong. Might be helpful if you based your opinions on fact rather that supposition after watching more than five minutes of one in a series that has been running for over 6 years.

    NC, have you any opinions of your own or are you just happy to rehash SH’s rubbish?

  47. Rosszszsss Says:

    Yeah, but that advert where she makes all the windows break by going RICKKKAAAYYYYYY is well funny innit.

  48. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I wasn’t rehashing Swineshead’s perfectly valid opinions, you thick-headed boob. His comment appeared after I’d written mine. That’s how the internet works. You’d know this if you pulled you head out of your arse occasionally.

    And SH didn’t say EastEnders was as good as A Tale Of Two Cities, did he? You need to work out how arguments work, Piqued. You just pick up on one thing and take it out of context. This shows you up to be a stupid fucker.

    As for Grand Designs. I don’t need to watch it, I’ve seen Ground Force and Changing Rooms. THEY’RE THE SAME THING.

  49. Swineshead Says:

    Of course it’s not as good as Naked you idiot. I never said it was. I was countering your argument that:

    Watching fake poor people suffering whilst one enjoys the trappings of middle class is unadulterated schadenfreude…

    and asking if that means I’m not allowed to watch any drama about working class people suffering because of your twisted logic. There was not one comparison between the likes of the fantastic Naked and the fluff that is Eastenders in my argument.

    If you want to talk with the big boys, try reading what they have to say before you go off with a load of badly aimed bluster. For fuck’s sake…

    PS – I’m sure where you work gives you a great background in architecture. You may have studied art but you’ve done fuck all about it in the past 20 years (besides bore your friends in art galleries), so it’s pretty much irrelevant.

  50. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Do you own this show, by the way? You’re very protective over it. Everyone else can see it’s tuppeny ha’penny TV for morons … sorry, important, inspirational TV.

  51. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    He studied art? Ho ho!


  52. Swineshead Says:

    He’s gone quiet. I think we might’ve kicked the boy a little too much.

    *fetches first aid kit*

  53. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    If I was in charge of this site, I’d have Stalined the fucker. I’m not as nice as you, mind.

    Pomposity+Ground Force=Grand Designs

  54. piqued Says:

    20 years? 10, actually, I ran out of money… I don’t have a trust fund or sponsors you see.

    Look at you two playing together, it just goes to show it takes a pair of you shouting and swearing (and getting personal) to justify your daily indulgence in this time wasting offal.

    It was you that mentioned Mike Leigh and Dickens in relation to Eastenders, I wouldn’t dream of having the two things within a mile of each other but if thats’ what your mind defaults to in your justification of watching brainless, moronic cack then so be it.

    Obviously, if some builds a house inspired (on a budget) by Le Corbusier (which they did a few months ago) and they say I am inspired by Le Corbusier and Kevin McCloud says, ‘aaah, I can see Le Corbusier’ then you may see why I thought it a good call to mention him…it was relevant (unlike Mike fucking Leigh or Charles ‘consumption’ Dickens in relation to a shit two bit soap)

    (NC, you’ve still failed to actually say anything so far except, ‘oooh, SH, I agree’ –you tit)

  55. piqued Says:

    ‘stalined the fucker’

    Have you taken your shirt off yet?

  56. Swineshead Says:

    It’s like watching a dog continually getting stung by a wasp it’s bothering…

    You’re pursuing the same argument despite the fact you’ve twice had it pointed out that you missed the point.

    I have not compared Dickens or Mike Leigh to Eastenders.

    I have said that, by your argument, I’m not allowed to watch anything that features the suffering of the working class as I am (shamefully) middle class. Now, not to compare any of these to Eastenders, that means I must avoid:

    Mike Leigh
    Only Fools and Horses
    Steptoe and Son
    Ken Loach

    and countless other gems as I’m too middle class to enjoy them.

    Is that what you mean? Or were you getting personal about the fact I’m middle class. Despite the fact that you’re also middle class. I wouldn’t put it past you, what with your arguments making no sense whatsoever today.

    (Can we bum after all this fighting?)

  57. Swineshead Says:

    ‘time wasting offal’

    Are you talking about Eastenders, Grand Designs or Watch With Mothers? Either way, you’re missing a hyphen.

  58. Rosszszsss Says:

    Unless he’s talking about time literally wasting some offal.

  59. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’ve said lots of things, you moron. Try using your eyes to actually read what’s been said to you by both myself and Swineshead before showing yourself up again. It’s a handy skill, as opposed to picking up on something, taking it out of context, then spouting drivel about it.

    Again, I’ll ask you the same questions I have before (as you’ve been conveniently ignoring them in favour of waffling about what architects you’ve heard of):

    Do you make this piece of shit show? Is that why you’re so defensive over bubblegum?

    You say you’ve found it ‘inspirational’ – how? Are you now an architect? Are you now building a house? When I was inspired by illustrators as a boy, I became an illustrator. You’ve done the same sort o’ thing after being inspired by this drivel, have you? Yes?

  60. piqued Says:

    I didn’t say you’re not allowed, I said…

    ‘Watching fake poor people suffering whilst one enjoys the trappings of middle class is unadulterated schadenfreude’

    …after you called me a snob.

    I also didn’t say you compared Dickens or Leigh to Eastenders either, I said you mentioned them in the same context.

    Stop telling me I’ve said things when I’ve not, it’s like having a discussion with David Cameron.

    If that’s the way you choose to wish an argument you can have it.

  61. piqued Says:

    No I didn’t make this fucking show NC, nor am I an architect

    But, yes, I find it inspirational

    How many fingers am I holding up?

  62. Swineshead Says:

    ‘I didn’t say you’re not allowed, I said…

    ‘Watching fake poor people suffering whilst one enjoys the trappings of middle class is unadulterated schadenfreude’

    …after you called me a snob.’

    My point still stands in that case.

    You’ve literally bored me to tears, you yob.

    *cries milky tears*

  63. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    So how do you find it inspirational? From what I understand, it’s inspired you to watch more of them (despite the fact every one is exactly the fucking same). Big deal.

    And if you don’t make it, why are you leaping to its defence as if you did? Both Swineshead and I are happy to acknowledge that the likes of Holby and EastEnders are brainless fluff, yet you defend uber-fluff such as Grand Designs as if it’s high art.

  64. piqued Says:

    How does your point stand? It was statement of fact and I didn’t actually say ‘you’re not allowed to watch it’.

    NC, I’ve explained why it’s inspirational; it’s about realising dreams, fulfilling aspirations.

    Christ, another one, where did I say Grand Designs was ‘high art’ for the fucking love of humanity.

  65. Swineshead Says:

    It’s about building a fucking house.

  66. piqued Says:

    Piss easy then

  67. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    “it’s about realising dreams, fulfilling aspirations.”

    So’s Rocky. And that’s fluff too.

    And you didn’t say it was high art, and I never said you did. Again, you’ve decided to take a bit of what I’ve said, and run with it. I’ll not bother pointing out where you’ve gone wrong there – try going back and reading my comment properly next time.

    *pats Piqued on head*
    *remembers he’s a bit of a spud-kid*
    *resolves to be a bit less hard on him next time, bless*

  68. Swineshead Says:

    Easy enough, mate – there’re plenty of houses about. Look out of your window. I’ll do the same.

    There’s one. And there. Over there too. Loads.

  69. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    That would make a great TV show for the easily pleased, Swineshead. Here’s a pound to go and make it.

    *flips pound in Swineshead’s direction*

  70. Swineshead Says:

    We could call it:

    Windows To The Soul.

    All we need is a patronising Beany type of McCloud figure to talk gibberish to make the time go by faster.

  71. Rosszszsss Says:


    She’s expanded her empire into dating websites now, y’know.

  72. Swineshead Says:

    I suppose she’s alright… for a posh bird.

  73. piqued Says:

    What’s a ‘spud-kid’? Is it from America? It sounds so, in the same way as I can hear Schwartzenegggarrrz scream ‘stalined the fucker’ after jumping off an exploding building firing big guns, in America

  74. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Beany? Who’s that? I’m not up on all these people.

  75. Swineshead Says:

    Sarah the Beany from off of Property Ladders.

  76. Rosszszsss Says:

    The Beany is a god amongst wimmin.

    See how I have calmed the waters with this talk of Beany.

  77. Swineshead Says:

    I see. I seen it.

  78. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Never seen that one. I assume, with the word ‘property’ in the title, it has something to do with the fascinating world of painting and decorating, building, and plumbing, has it? No thanks.

    Piqued – Focusing in on one thing again there, eh? Well done, son. So we win, do we? Grand Design’s moronic fluff about bricks, yes? You agree now, hmm? I assume so, as you’ve given up on what we were saying in favour of the phrase ‘spud-kid’.

  79. Rosszszsss Says:

    YES! It is called PROPERTY LADDER and Sarah Beany says “PAINT IT MAGNOLIA” and they don’t and they still get money cos there’s someone out there who will buy their overpriced house.

    It’s very, and I mean VERY, inspirational.

  80. piqued Says:

    I see you’re desperately trying to return to an argument I’ve already won, it’s very undignified.

    I have now retired, go in peace.

  81. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    You couldn’t win an argument if the key to winning it was handed to you on a plate. Mainly, and a reading of your comments on this page are a testament to this, because you cannot actually argue.

    Enjoy your brainless property and cookery shows.

  82. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Rozzasswegjsawjkajkqw – It sounds like that would be right up Piqued’s alley. He loves his property shows. He finds them inspirational too.

  83. piqued Says:

    Mmm, this is why I said ‘NC, I don’t watch property shows’ at 11.10am

    Enjoy your Eastenders, Holby and plates of mechanically recovered donkey you oafish tool

  84. Rosszszsss Says:

    We could be wed and live in a house. I love houses, me.

  85. Swineshead Says:

    Which (again) proves you can’t argue properly. You say you don’t watch property shows whilst defending Grand Designs, Channel 4’s main property show. Or is this some kind of fresh irony I don’t understand?

  86. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    But, as has been established, Grand Designs is a property show. You really should try to keep up!

    Grand Designs is a property show. Piqued likes Grand Designs. Therefore:

    Piqued likes property shows.

    See? Keep up!

  87. piqued Says:

    Grand Designs isn’t a property show per se (not like The Ladder or Relocation et al) it’s about architecture/building

    Besides, if that stuck in your craw why not mention it at the time instead of bringing it up some 5 hours after I first said it?

  88. piqued Says:

    Hi NC, on the ball as usual by repeating the same thing that SH said…

    Where was it established it was a property show? Not here, in your injured brain maybe…

    Mashed up banana and a push through the Garden?

  89. Swineshead Says:

    Because, dear boy, if I noted your every inconsistency we’d be here for days.

  90. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    And I said, at 11:30:

    What’s not up for dispute, however, is that Grand Designs is:

    A property show
    Cheap, unimaginative TV
    No fucking different in format from Ground Force

    See the words ‘property show’ there? In reply to something you said five hours ago? That I replied to? Five hours ago?

  91. piqued Says:

    20 minutes later if one is splitting hairs…

    I ignored your opinion that it was a property show, you muddle a gardening programme with a show about building a house so pardon me for not instantly taking everything you say as red, Chairman Mao

    Oh look, he’s walking about with his fists all full of his own shit again, come here…

  92. piqued Says:

    SH, touche

  93. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Muddled it up with a gardening show? I’m sorry? Only, if we elaborate on Swineshead’s excellent summation, the two seem remarkably similar …

    Grand Designs:

    Shots of no house
    Shots of house

    Ground Force:

    Shots of no garden
    Shots of garden

    See? And that still doesn’t excuse the fact you were wrong in your last statement that you weren’t challenged about what is, in point of fact, a property show.

  94. Swineshead Says:

    *wonders if anyone ever reads this shit*

  95. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Touche yourself, you pompous idiot.

  96. Rosszszsss Says:

    I am reading it…

    In my imagination you are all sitting round a pub table, having amicable banter, except that piqued secretly has a knife in his pocket for when you all leave the pub.

  97. piqued Says:

    I wasn’t touche-ing you, back off

  98. piqued Says:

    From NC’s own site, I’ve just read that Rusty Lee’s coming to Eastenders

    Rusty fucking Lee, the utter pits of hell

    Case closed

  99. Rosszszsss Says:

    My friends mum looks like Rusty Lee. Is that racist to say that?

    *rustles Daily Mail*

  100. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Irrelevant, your honour!

    Case reopened.

  101. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Rozzadauwdhazzzzazzzaaaaaaa – Yes, that’s extremely racist.

  102. piqued Says:

    I’m afraid you’re too late NC

    “yes, you’re absolutely correct” Napoleon Cockaparte 3/4/08

  103. toni Says:

    you people must be really sad if ya think ricky n bianca (r n b)shouldnt come bak and as for the way chelsea says arks instead of ask i like it n so do every one ive asked n if you dont like half the charcters and storylines then dont watch it loads of ppl i no sed r n b comin bak was the best storyline in ages n i no lots of ppl who have jst started watching eastenders coc of r n b coming bak. the storylines you mentioned are the best storylines eastenders have had

  104. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Well that’s put me firmly in my place. Toni, they’re looking for someone to revise and introduce a new edition of Churchill’s A History Of The English-Speaking Peoples – fancy the job? With such a towering command of the language, you’re wasted leaving comments on blogs, you really are.

  105. Swineshead Says:

    toni is my illiterate mongrel sondaughter – a product of the time I lived with a pack of dogs – he is half beast, half man. And a hermaphrodite with no arms (so typing is quite difficult for him/her)

    Please be gentle with my darling toni

  106. holly Says:


  107. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    In-depth response to the post from Holly there.

  108. katie Says:

    hi wat do u do to ask peggy?

  109. timm Says:

    GOOD TO SEE Bianca back
    go here

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