The Apprentice 2008 – Ep. 2


Apprentice Launderette

Ever been to a launderette?

I have. So I have a pretty clear idea of how much it costs to wash clothes.

None of the girls last night can ever have frequented a washroom or a dry cleaners, as when tasked with pitching business to a hotel chain they saw fit to charge £4.99 per item. So 1,000 items of bedding could be washed and ironed for the bargain-rate price of £5,000. This really was shake-head-in-disbelief stuff. How could that figure have been agreed? Was it that these girls have never had to wash their dirty linen in public? Or was it a case of one voice shouting louder than the others and the rest of the troupe following blindly and obediently?

The latter, you have to say, when you consider that the girl’s Project Manager for this totally shambolic episode was Jenny. Good God – what an abomination this redheaded, tube-faced monster is. We should have seen it coming when she squeaked ‘I just love sales!’ with a giggle of perversion (like she was sitting on a washing machine, aptly enough) in her week one vox pop. She’s this year’s Saira Khan but with none of the charm or bewildering attractive qualities. She’s this year’s Jo – (remember that insane Tigger contestant last year?) but with none of the slightly lunatic joie de vivre. In short – she’s terrifying.

The boys were ‘led’ by Raef. His leadership strategy involved splitting the chaps into the two camps he complained had developed last week and making the jocks do the hard work whilst the nerds strolled around town fixing their cufflinks and checking their reflections in shop windows. I’m no fan of Alex, Ian, Lee and Simon, but at least they get their hands dirty (for evidence, see Simon spiritedly battering that fishhead last week). They were destined to win – so Raef stays in for at least another week despite clearly being eventual Yer Fired-fodder.

Jennifer, oh Jenny. Where to begin? The girl’s made so many ludicrous errors last night that it’s tempting to think they were doing it for a laugh – or getting a fiver from the cameraman per mistake. So error number one was, as with last week, not considering that if you’re going to sell something, you have to work out the right mark-up. Blindly trying to sell something without considering its value is just beyond belief. After the £5,000 laundry shocker, they went to their next client and offered to wash, dry and iron his massive pile of shop-soiled smocks for a tenner. One twisted extreme to another.

As they wobbled along the valley of disasters, they left the actual nitty-gritty of actually doing the laundry to the very last minute. With huge piles of clothes sorted by Shazia, they set to work and realised they needed more irons and equipment, so went back to the house to pick up spares – only to find the boys had nicked everything they needed earlier in the day. From that point, they were doomed. The boys seemed to go from strength-to-strength while the girls added insult to their own festering injuries.

Trying to enforce tips? What the fuck? Beyond bolshy bellboys hanging around a bit too long, I’ve never heard of anything like it. Imagine a waitress talking in depth about the tip they expect to receive after serving you a mediocre salad. It’s not on, is it? Now imagine that salad’s got certain elements missing, like dressing, croutons and vegetables. For that is what happened – the girls lost clothes.

Jenny somehow pinned the blame on Shazia – saying she upped and left having only labelled some of the clothes. From where I was sitting (and admittedly I was pretty pissed up) I thought Jenny had ordered her to go with her. I could be wrong.

At one point in the catalogue of rubbishness, Jenny actually made Lucinda cry. Actual tears…  I’ve had managers who’ve made me angry, managers who’ve made me punch inanimate objects out of sheer frustration and managers who’ve left me so washed out and overworked that I’ve stared into space for hours. But making your employees cry? That takes a special kind of graceless idiocy.

So how did Jenny survive the boardroom? Why did Shazia go? I was particularly pissed off about this as I picked Shazia in an office sweepstake. I was robbed!

The reason is, once again, ‘good telly’. Jenny will continue to writhe in her own two-dimensional villain status for the next couple of weeks and we’ll lap it up, criticising the silly cow to make ourselves feel a little bit better about our own offices, colleagues and careers. It becomes more apparent, show upon show, that this is only TV, pure entertainment and not the job interview it professes to be. But who cares?

I don’t.

Episode one

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43 Responses to “The Apprentice 2008 – Ep. 2”

  1. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Jenny seems to come from the Staybrite Windows school of employee management. A schoolmarmish, nasty, bully who assumes the only way to get ahead is by shouting down anyone who DARES disagree with her. The way she kept saying, “Shut up, shut up, shut up! I’M talking!” had me roaring abuse at the TV. The fucking bitch.

    You’re right. She should have been sacked purely on how disgracefully she behaved in front of that cunt, Sugar. Like you say, it makes for good TV to keep her about, for shame, for shame.

    As for the lads, good on ’em. It was amusing to see them get stuck in and get their ‘ands dirty. I loved the obvious glee the ex-army guy showed in doing a task that took him back to his glory days in Aldershot – shame those three pricks didn’t muck in a bit more from the start … but it all came good. In fact, I can’t remember an episode that was such an obvious walkover. Perhaps that bastard Sugar should set one involving shopping, as opposed to manual labour, to even the score, eh ladies?

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Speaking of schoolmarmish… I forgot to include that quote of Jenny’s:

    ‘I felt like I had to BREASTfeed BOTH of you’.

    What an image!


  3. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    She was ‘orrible.

  4. Paul Groves Says:

    Jenny gives good ratings – like Katie (Mad Stare) Hopkins last year – while Shazia was too dull in terms of TV. Lucinda is the resident fruit-loop so will also stick around until things get a bit more serious – what am I saying, this series is laughable.

    No blatant plug this week – but I am tipping the eventual winner over on my blog.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    Blatant plugs are fine, PG, I like to think of it as link-sharing when i do it elsewhere. I’ll have a long hard look at your tip, you saucy cow.

  6. Rosszszsss Says:

    I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I know full well that I’m going to be watching this tonight on replay as I missed it last night, but still I have to spoil it for myself…


  7. Swineshead Says:

    Don’t blame me – must be part of your neuroses like your WEIRD superstitions.

  8. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Superstitions? Ho ho! What are these then?

  9. Clarry Says:

    Episode 2 was so cringeworthy I had to go and make the tea instead. Just awful. SO glad you picked up on the breast feeding comment too… She was such a cow and I thought she was going totally over the top accusing Shazia of lying. I don’t know if it’s the way they edit it or what, but why do people never seem to fight their corner?

    My mum’s best friend used to work with Jenny. A mighty claim to fame I know… might try and get us some inside information though.

    P.S Since when did people on this site start quoting De la Soul lyrics?

  10. Swineshead Says:


    Roszs’s superstitions – please see my comment there… it proves I’m a headfucked idiot.

    Clarry – well spotted! That’s a brilliant song, that one. Yes – please get me some inside gossip on Jenny. And her phone number.

  11. Clarry Says:

    P.P.S Who else thinks that Margaret and Nick have become harder this series? They’ve clearly been to the Simon Cowell/Ann Robinson School of Insults.

  12. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Oddballs, the lot of you. As a man who goes out of his way to put shoes on tables, spill salt with mad abandon, look black cats directly in the eye, and smash mirrors like they’re going out of fashion, I think you should both be locked up in a Bedlam for the public good. The Arsenal bog one’s fucking bonkers.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    I know, I know. The fact that it’s been proved, time and again that none of my actions have the slightest bearing on anything makes me appear to be insane.

    I think it’s probably a fruitless attempt to impose control on something one’s powerless over. That’s what the shrinks tell me when they play the bongos on my brain.

    Anyway – you can have that discussion over on the Roszsblog.

  14. Paul Groves Says:

    Clarry: I think blessed Nick and Margaret are becoming more depressed, rather than harder.
    They seemed as non-plussed as the rest of us about what was happening last night.
    It is high time they were more insulting. A few well-chosen kicks to the shin wouldn’t go amiss either.

  15. Rosszszsss Says:

    I wonder what superstitions Alan Sugar has.

    *cunningly intertwines two conversations*

  16. westendwookie Says:

    yay! once again you have prevented me from being the office outcast by not knowing what went on in the apprentice. I have a nice new TV at home and a tendency to throw things in a rage, so i can’t risk watching this show.

    And, seeing as you have explicitly approved, pluggage of blogs…….

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Plugging of blogs is fine, so long as they’re good blogs. Yours is, so it stays.

  18. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Paul – I think they should get it on. Oh yes.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Alan Sugar only has a beard because his mum told him that shaving your face makes your balls turn into bombs.

  20. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I reckon he has a beard because he’s an awful, bullying cunt. it’s only a theory.

  21. Paul Groves Says:

    Napolean – wash our potty mouth out now. Margaret wouldn’t stomach such beastliness, of that I’m certain.
    You are merely trying to sully the good names of the only decent people on this programme.
    Why, you’ll be telling me next that Sir Alan’s PA is really an actress paid to say: “Sir Alan will see you now.”

  22. westendwookie Says:

    I reckon he has a beard so he can hide fragments of quavers in it. Everyone knows that Alan Sugar is crazy for the quavers.

  23. Rosszszsss Says:

    I reckon he says “YER FIIIIRED” cos his house will burn down if he doesn’t. Or summat…

  24. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Paul – My apologies for using one of the oldest words in our language to describe that cunt, Alan Sugar. In future I’ll refer to him as that ‘motherfunking flipper, Alan Sugar’ – so as not to offend your delicate sensibilities.

    And if you’d care to go back to reading my diatribes about the motherfunker from last year, you’ll find I’m reasonably consistent in my disliking for him. I actually find him the worst aspect of the show, because I don’t like boorish, bullying shitbags like Sugar (or Gordon Ramsey, Gillian McKeeef et al.) being lauded on TV as if their behaviour is something to be celebrated. If I had my way, I’d sack him and replace him with Sir Clive Sinclair. Much more level-headed, and the idiot contestants could still toady up to the fact he has a knighthood by calling him, ‘Sir Clive’.

  25. Swineshead Says:

    I reckon Paul was joshing with you.

    The difference between Sugar and Ramsay is that Sugar uses logic and common sense to make his idiot contestants wither, whereas Ramsay just goes on and on about his balls to innocent bystanders.

  26. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    So not sacking the patently useless, nasty, and bullying Jenny was logical, was it?

  27. Swineshead Says:

    Yes – it’s a TV show – not a real job interview.

    It ain’t High Art, after all.

  28. Paul Groves Says:

    Napolean – I thought you were suggesting the blessed Nick and Margaret should get it on way back up the board a bit – that’s why I told you to wash your potty mouth out.

    You can say what you like about Sugar, he’s a penis with an unconvincing beard as far as I’m concerned and reminds me too much of a penis with an unconvincing beard I had the misfortune to work for ages ago. He was a nasty bully too who used to intimidate and bully and take the pleasure out of what should have been a good job. The similarities are remarkable now I come to think about…uuuuurrrgggghhhhhh, I feel slightly soiled thinking back to it.

    Anyway, it was the sexual innuendo I was balking at vis-a-vis his right-hand woman and left-hand man. Although that might just a product of the dark recesses of my mind too….feeling a bit soiled again now.

    Diatribe away at the odious prig himself, it don’t bother me none.

  29. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    But that’s the flaw. If he was being logical (and not just keeping in the nasty one in for the purpose of ratings), he’d have got rid of her. Logically, an employer wouldn’t want to keep hold of a horrible, useless cunt (sorry, Paul) if they were on the hunt for a new employee. If he’s going to pretend it’s a job interview, and not fluff, then, logically, he should have sacked Jenny.

    So he’s not using fucking logic there, is he? YES? YES?

  30. Swineshead Says:

    In the context of the story of the show – no – it’s illogical like you say.

    But the makers credit us with the intelligence that we understand they have to please the audience, so he kept her in, which is logical.

    So we are both right.

  31. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Hmmm. I’m sort of grumbling a bit over ‘ere that we both should be right. Muttering to m’self in front of my keyboard. Mutter mutter …

  32. Gita Says:

    Attending to laundry appropriately is in the xx chromosome phenotype. As the bearer of said chromosomes, I was absolutely cringing at the girls’ incompetence. £5000 for one night’s work is extraordinary by anyone’s standard, and they didn’t even have to compromise their (questionable?) virtue.

    I would lick Alan Sugar’s foie gras-encrusted beard for less.

    Back to the task, and I was impressed by the stunningly short period of time it took for someone to mention the (literally impossible) application of more than 100% effort. [Raef, for your memory; 110%].

    The desperate pleas for tips (monetary or ellucidating) was absolutely mortifying for the women’s team. Couple my general discomfort with cadging extra coppers out of clients with my visceral dislike of Jenny “Underbite” Celerier, and you had me practically hurling empy Cava bottles at the screen.

    Particularly hilarious was when the South African woman refused to tip the girls, following abject loss of laundry, and the the Ginger Ninja had the AUDACITY to look annoyed.

    All that said, despite being a colossal prat, I have mayjah love for Raef. He is hot; hair needs work, as does general deportment, but sweet Christ on the cross, he is gorgeous.

  33. Swineshead Says:

    You fancy Raef?

    Oh dear, oh dear.

    As mentioned before, I have a weird thing for Sara.

  34. Jim Says:

    Yay, The Apprentice. Causes so much fuss it’s a great laugh, oops sorry interview. On my own blog I go on and on (probably too much I suspect) about the Ginger Genny. But hey it’s mine own! Should she have gone? Well of course with brass knobs on!

  35. Gita Says:


    Have you no shame, man?

  36. Swineshead Says:

    Yeah that one was a bit like he’d cut and pasted it all over the interweb…
    Gita -I forgot to thankyou for your enormous comment / review earlier.

    But how do you know his beard is encrusted with goose liver? Have you sniffed his face-fuzz before…

  37. Jim Says:

    Completely shameless, but only because I’ve moved to WordPress! lol

    I’m looking forward to how much of a mess the two teams make this week! If they can manage to argue amongst themselves so brilliantly who know what depths of management speak they can descend to when the kitchen gets hotter?

  38. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’m crossing my fingers that Jenny gets stabbed in the vagina.

    *crosses fingers*

  39. Jim Says:

    You wait, if she’s anything to do with getting to the last few candidates she’ll fade into the background and after this weeks performance so will Raef. Still we can always strain go get proof she’s as mad as a box of ginger frogs.

    Speaking of fading into the background someone somewhere else noted that Clare is this years’ Badger and strangely they considered Raef was this years’ Tre!

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