Skins

by

Skins 2 

Lordy me. 

LORDY ME.

What’s happening in Skins at the moment, eh? Or more correctly, what isn’t happening in Skins? They are busy little bees at present. In a quick rundown we currently have:

  • Jal’s pregnancy to fit-Skin Chris, shortly before he is swooshed off in an ambulance with a secret brain tumour of the hereditary kind.
  • Sid and psycho-Skin Cassie are back together after Cassie’s flirtation with being an accidental prostitute and a lesbian. A lesbitute if you will.
  • Tony and Michelle restarting their relationship after Michelle and Sid’s short-lived romance – key phrase “You’re the only man to ever make me come, Sid” – poor old Tony having that broadcast on E4.
  • Anwar finishing his relationship with gay-skin Maxxie’s stalker, Sketch, after looking in a mirror and realising she’d been cunningly turning him into the Asian version of Maxxie, blond locks and all.
    Maxxie with a new boyfriend, cue scary looks from Sketch.
  • Effie, Tony’s fifteen year old sister, adding to her pocket money through the medium of drug-dealing.
  • A-Levels. 

I am a bit worried about the A-Levels thing. Does this mean that series three (and there will be a series three; they are currently inviting all and sundry to open auditions on the Skins website. Could I pass for an 18-year old Bristolian? Maybe one who’s had a very hard life) will be set in halls of residences around the country? The Skins must never leave Bristol. Never. Maybe they could all go to Bristol University and UWE. That would solve it nicely. Sorted.

In my last review, I pondered which ageing comedian might be wheeled on next, after appearances from Harry Enfield and Bill Bailey in the first episode. Well, the casting people should be patting themselves on the back. Not all ageing, and not all comedians, but so far I’ve spotted Josie Lawrence, Peter Capaldi, Josie Long (playing a Careers Adviser, which is sort of what I do, and I love her, so it is obviously a sign of our impending union) and Shane Richie (playing the drama teacher directing the school’s production of ‘Osama: The Musical’)… the list goes on. Well it sort of stops there, but still more impressive than *spits* Hollyoaks.

In other Skins-related news, I was in London with some drunk people recently, and one of them pointed at me and shouted “CHRIS FROM SKINS” in my face. I was momentarily quite chuffed, until I remembered I am a thirty-year old woman. I can sort of see the resemblance though in a round-faced Somerset-farmer kind of way… maybe I will go to those auditions after all.

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80 Responses to “Skins”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    Nooooo!
    Please make them pull the plug on the third series!

    Have there been any more bits with see-through bras recently?

  2. Rosszszsss Says:

    There’s been bits with unbra-ed bosoms in it now.

    No wonder the youth are running wild.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    I need to research these sections to see what effect they may have had on our children, are they available online?

    *fetches oily rag*

  4. start Says:

    Still, it’s more realistic then eastenders. But then again, that film Heavy Metal is more realistic then eastenders.

  5. Rosszszsss Says:

    Start – I have just been attacked by a glowing orb though, so it must bear some relation to the truth… And Chocky too.

    SH – I admire your dedication to empirical research.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Where’re all the teenagers to talk about Skins?
    Come on teens! Let’s discuss your TV programme.

  7. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    TeenOpinion (R):
    It’s like family affairs – overacted and boring and I don’t watch it.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    How old are you then, Wagonboy?

  9. Rosszszsss Says:

    It might be overacted (they’re only little and cutting their acting teeth) but its not BORING. HOW DARE YOU.

    *slaps JQW-face with glove*

  10. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I’ve got a whole 18 years under my belt.

    *Enthusiastic thumbs up *

    *Alcopop binge*

  11. Rosszszsss Says:

    Oops, have I just slapped a teenager round the face…

    *gets taken away by the police*

  12. Rosszszsss Says:

    I reckon Skins is really aimed at people in their 30s wanting a glimpse back at what life could be like without council tax and hurty knees.

  13. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    It’s fine, as you may know from your skinnage, it’s only the teenagers who have a tough time in life. I’d probably just get arrested and lose my chance of becoming a famous dancer unless I got my recently-revealed-to-be-lesbian-transexual violent ex-girlfriend to pay my bail by murdering my parents and selling drugs to 8 year olds.

  14. Rich Says:

    I am 15, my mum won’t let me have pornography she says it is the devils work, I have sneaked a look at skins it did send my Jesus tool all itchy.

  15. Rich Says:

    Is that the sort of comment you’d expect Rozs, honestly!

  16. Rosszszsss Says:

    Best ‘young peoples’ programming.

    1. Press Gang
    2. Chocky
    3. Press Gang

    The glory days are over, people…

  17. Clarys Says:

    My teenage life was NOTHING like Skins. I feel so old and wrinkly.

  18. Rosszszsss Says:

    The main correlation between my teenage life and that of the Skins is that I too was surrounded by people with Somerset accents.

  19. Nick Tann Says:

    I must be the only one that finds Skins a bit disturbing.

    Teenage sexual antics no longer hold the allure they used to.

    It must be my age and the medication……

  20. Rich Says:

    My teenage life was unlike skins, press gang, grange hill, please sir or even degrassi junior high. At most it was a bit like Chocky but without the Alien which makes it a lot unlike chocky. I was once an extra in an episoe of dramarama though. skill.

  21. Rosszszsss Says:

    That’s the second time this week you’ve trotted out the old Dramarama anecodote. Are you resting on past laurels Rich?

  22. Rosszszsss Says:

    I was almost a vox pop on Ipso Facto once. Almost.

  23. Swineshead Says:

    Admin update:

    Comment moderation is OFF.

  24. Rich Says:

    weren’t you in that wizzard film?

  25. Rosszszsss Says:

    Didn’t you star in Annie, or was that another ginger?

  26. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’ve never seen this Skins thing. It sounds like a big pile o’ shit.

  27. Rosszszsss Says:

    It’s not.

    (well it sort of is)

  28. Gilbert Wham Says:

    As one bad-tempered northen git to another, I am inclined to agree with your perfunctory dismissal sir.

  29. piqued Says:

    Skins sounds like shit NC?

    It does indeed, though being a fan of Eastenders and Holby I’m surprised you don’t have the box set deluxe edition on loop, you witless gimp

  30. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    That’s the thing about being from Up North (God’s Own Country, Paradise On Earth, blah blah blah), Gilbert. You can instantly dismiss something – and if someone disagrees, you batter them because you’re no better than an apeman.

  31. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Ho ho! But EastEnders and Holby are shit, too! I’ve said that, Swineshead’s said that. We don’t dress up shit as ‘inspirational’, like you do those property and cooking shows you watch. I already watch enough garbage, I don’t need to watch any more, thanks.

  32. Rosszszsss Says:

    Skins is definitely better than Eastenders, and I live more northerner than the lot of you.

  33. Rosszszsss Says:

    Damn. Ignore last Eastenders comment then.

    I am going down a mine now, or drinking a pint of mild or summat.

  34. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    You live in Sheffield, don’t you? So do I. So, unless you wish to discuss postal codes, Rossasanquhuiqwhforvfoqoihohreh, we should agree that we’re the most Northern here.

    Unless Gilbert’s in Leeds, in which case we’re suddenly soft southern nancy-people.

  35. piqued Says:

    So when are you joining us NC? You’re going to be fucking terrified when you get down here AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

    IT’S REALLY DANGEROUS

  36. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’m going to be terrified, am I? I wasn’t the last time I lived daaaahn saaarf, so I doubt I will be this time either.

    And as for dangerous? Ho ho! As you’ve said y’self, it’s the North that’s full of baseball-cap wearing fuckwits. I can deal with danger – unlike you who runs away from it when someone spills their pint, you spineless coward.

  37. piqued Says:

    When did you live down south and where were you? A lot has changed NC, a helluva lot, yeah

    These days it’s all guns and gangs and terrorists, you gotta be quick down here, you gotta be quick, or be dead, yeah

    So, you think you can deal with danger? How about being surrounded by a gang of over 1 hundred kick boxing weightlifters? Reckon you can handle yourself tough guy?

    These street are mean NC, meaner than a mean man, on acid

    Wise up, yeah

    Hey, take care

  38. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I lived in Aldershot, North Camp, and Kingston ten years ago. The guns were all locked up in the barracks, so the only thing I had to deal with was being beaten to a pulp by gangs of roaming paratroopers and occasionaly, Marines. In Kingston, I worked in an arcade where I was threatened with and occasionally attacked by a knife about three times a week. I even had to attend a company self-defence course to learn how to not be killed by an outraged gang member I’d failed to show the correct level of respect to. That was fun.

    Plus, I’ve a good fifteen years of brawling with drunken fuckers in town centres under my belt.

    So, unlike you – a man who spends his time watching property shows, eating ‘sensational’ food, and attending classical music concerts – I reckon I can just about handle myself.

  39. Gilbert Wham Says:

    I am from Newcastle, so that makes me harder than the lot of you. EVEN COCKNEY TERRORISTS.

  40. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Shit.

  41. Rosszszsss Says:

    NC – I live in Bradford, which means in terms of northerness I win, but in terms of quality of life, child poverty levels, decent bookshops etc I lose…

  42. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I was born there, as opposed to being a Johnny-come-lately, like you (or should that be, ‘Johnina’?). So that makes me more Northern than you – though not in a geographical sense. Ahem.

    Anyway, we’re not as Northern as Gilbert. He’s so Northern, you can smell the pig-iron, clog varnish, and racing pigeon shit from here.

  43. Swineshead Says:

    A man gave me a mean look on the bus the other day in Stoke Newington so I ran to the organic cafe to see Charles and Arabella to talk mortgages.

  44. Rosszszsss Says:

    You’re actually FROM Bradford?

    *feels a bit ill*

    God, I didn’t realise they let people like you use the internet.

    *spazzes at keyboard with twelve-fingered Somerset hands*

  45. Rosszszsss Says:

    I got my hair cut in Stoke Newington once.

    That is my Tale of Stoke Newington.

  46. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I am indeed – ripped from my mother’s womb in Bradford Royal Infirmary in the 70s. Born into an inferno as the place caught fire, and stolen thrice by a mad woman. My mother got me out of there as fast as she could to a more civilised place:

    Keighley.

    *lets out Beefy Botham-worthy fart as memories flood back*

  47. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    That was a good Stoke Newington tale, by the way. I have a similar anecdote …

    I once had a shave in a barber’s in Farnham, Surrey.

    Don’t all applaud at once.

  48. Swineshead Says:

    How the fuck did you end up in Great Hale and the Fens of Lincolnshite then?

  49. Rosszszsss Says:

    Aaaah, Keighley! When I first moved north, to the Yorkshire Dales, I used to hear people talk of this town called ‘Keeflay’. I couldn’t work out where they meant, as the only town of any size anywhere near where they referred to was obviously, from the signs, called ‘Kayley’.

    O HOW WE LAFFED!!!!

  50. Rosszszsss Says:

    NC – I’m going to steal that for my autobiography.

  51. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    My father was a philandering cunt who told my mother he wasn’t interested in ‘bringing up a kid’. Kicked her out when I was age six, asking if they could hook back up when I was about sixteen, if you please. My grandfather ran The Nags Head in Heckington, so we went there. My mother met my step-father at the pub (he was staying there), and they got together, bought a house in Great Hale, condemned my childhood to death, etc.

  52. Rosszszsss Says:

    Christ…

    Here, have a brown ale.

  53. Swineshead Says:

    Ooyah. A potted history of Napoleonic woe there…

  54. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’m over it now.

    *reaches for whiskey bottle at two in the afternoon*

  55. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    ‘Two in the afternoon’ as in my two, not WordPress’s, that is. The clocks haven’t changed on this site, I notice. That’ll be something to do with the Yanks, I’ll wager.

  56. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I’m from Somerset too. Well, Hertfordshire until I was six, but since then, PROPER JOB!

  57. Rosszszsss Says:

    Cool! Where to?*

    *note special construction of sentence thereby rendering it unreadable apart from by other Somersetians.

  58. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Wells. Cor them northern lot dunt aaaaf lerv emselves dunnum eh youngun? Whaat they need’s a good jar o’ scrumpy an’ a Priddy firework night, set’n straight proper job.

  59. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Where’s thee from then youngun?

  60. Rosszszsss Says:

    I be down vrum Taunton way moi luvvurrr.

    They be high strung them northernuurrrs. What’s the urry, that’s what oi say… sit back, chill out… go and buy a paperclip or two from Baaastins.

  61. piqued Says:

    Where’s NC gone, I think you all may have pushed him over the edge, you know how sensitive he is

    U BARSTRDSz

  62. Swineshead Says:

    I might put comment moderation back on so I can Stalin all this foreign talk.

  63. Rosszszsss Says:

    Oh shit yeah, I forgot he was drinking whisky, and now its nearly 2:45… he’ll be all dead and stuff now.

    😦

  64. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Nahrr why you wan’ do a thing loik thaaat? Get a few scrumpies in thee!

  65. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    He may well have pulled a Get Carter by now.

  66. Rosszszsss Says:

    I reckon he’s gone to kill Kevin McCloud, just to piss piqued off.

  67. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I was writing something, as it ‘appens. It takes more than a litre of Bells, a bottle of ibuprofen, and a bullet to the head to floor this old warhorse, don’t you worry.

  68. piqued Says:

    Writing were you? What coloured crayon were you using.

  69. martha Says:

    My teenage life was like last of the summer wine. A lot of trampling about in the countryside.

  70. Swineshead Says:

    Tin baths?

  71. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Luxury, in my….etc.

  72. Joanne Says:

    Skins is fucking shite.

  73. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    What an eloquent evaluation.

  74. Gilbert Wham Says:

    Accurate though, what?

  75. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    You have a point.

  76. Rosszszsss Says:

    Joanne: It’s not actually, it’s good.

    So ner.

  77. Clarry Says:

    A few days late, but hey…

    I have never once watched Skins but word on the street has it that they are going to have a total cast clear out to coincide with the A level storyline, in an attempt to ‘make it more realistic’ and to give new up-and-coming talent a shot at the big time.

  78. Fred Says:

    I’ve heard they’re going to replace the whole cast with Topman mannequins.

  79. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I heard they were going to clone HItler’s head from long-hidden refrigerated ejaculate, Place his head onto a specially made robot body with built in laser-cannons and have him as the lead.

  80. Fred Says:

    Still, that would be more realistic then eastenders.

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