One Minute Review: The Cottage


The Cottage

The Cottage stars him off League of Gentleman, him off of those dreadful Lord Up Them Rings movies and her wot’s off of Brookside with the whopping great melons. The first two kidnap the other one and dump her in a cottage. Spudgun off of Bottom turns up, and then everyone gets murdered by a big fella with really rubbish makeup.

This is how they meet their sticky ends:

  • Bird off of Brookside with the big tits: Spade straight through the face. It’s a good death is this – shame she doesn’t spill her knockers and give us men a shot at them puppies.
  • He off of them crappy Lord! Oh My Rings! movies: Pickaxe through the chest. Bit rubbish after her with the tits gets ‘erself a faceful of spade.
  • Spudgun: Ploughing thing up the unmentionables, then gutted. Spudders doesn’t like it! He don’t like it one fucking bit, sorr! Bejaysus, to be sure, to be sure!
  • Him off of The League Of Gentlemen: Attacked by a family in the cellar. This is the last bit of the film, and therefore:


My verdict? RUBBISH! Five stars.

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57 Responses to “One Minute Review: The Cottage”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    You are way better than Kermode.

    That girl’s wangers are so big they’ve passed the point of no return.

    They’re sillytits.

  2. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I still wouldn’t kick ’em out of bed, mind.

  3. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    No prizes for guessing how she got her job on Brookside.

  4. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    She probably auditioned, the minx.

  5. Clarys Says:

    The bra doesn’t even fit!

  6. Swineshead Says:

    A rogue aureole is popping round the front

  7. Swineshead Says:

    Is anyone else hungover today?
    I am. Enormously.

  8. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’m not. I feel GRRRRRRREAT.

  9. Mr Chipz Says:

    I too, am fine. I just dun the missus too so I’m chipper.

    That brooksides bird’s melons are very big aren’t they. I don’t think they’re real cos they don’t seem to fit the girl’s build. No seriously, i think they might be fake tits.

    The fucking whore.

  10. Who Says:

    I’m sure them doggone melons never used to be that big. Did they? Eh? Lads? Eh?

  11. Swineshead Says:

    She put some jelly in them I think.
    Some kind of jelly. Green jelly. Lime.

  12. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I agree with Chipz. This woman is nothing but a big-breasted, painted, jezebel, WHORE. Summary justice is called for – three times round the football pitches in just her underwear. Then a jizz-bath.

    The hell-bound succubus.

  13. Gita Says:

    Boys, boys, boys.

    For goodness sake. When did the comments section turn into the Sun? (I’m struggling to maintain my stern, schoolmistress attitude, but her breasts! For god’s sake, her breasts! They’re ridiculous, actually, and you can bet they look a state unhinged from what must be considerable hardware.)

    Right, back to the matter at hand: NC, surely it can’t be rubbish. I mean, anything that features a “television personality/glamour model, WAG-wannabee has GOT to be in-depth viewing.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Boys, boys, boys
    I’m lookin for a good time
    Boys, boys, boys
    I’m ready for your love!

    Gita – was that an intended quote? Big breasted Spanish lovely Sabrina sang those very words in the 80s, in a swimming pool, with all her boobs all spilling out of her swimming costume.


  15. Swineshead Says:


  16. Gita Says:

    It was intentional!

    Well done!

  17. Swineshead Says:

    No – well done you Gita. You actually win a prize.

  18. Gita Says: long as it’s not a jizz-bath.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    It’s a genuine Watch With Mothers stool.
    Where shall I send it?

  20. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    PHWOOOOAAAR! Thanks for the link there – lovely stuff. I love tits, me.

    And it was rubbish, Gita. That’s why I gave it five stars. Any film where a gobby Liverpudlian gets her face cut in half with a spade has to be good. Even though it’s also rubbish – like EastEnders and Holby. GOOD RUBBISH, as opposed to BAD RUBBISH (see: Grand Designs, Masterchef, the blog ‘Piqued’, etc.).

  21. Swineshead Says:

    I’m tempted to amend the banner so it reads ‘Tits Week’

  22. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I wouldn’t moan. I’ve seen THOUSANDS of films where the tits were the best bit. THOUSANDS.

  23. Who Says:

    Sabrina, Sinitta, Sonia, Spagna


  24. Gita Says:

    Excuse me, sir, but I take portentous issue with your claim that Grand Designs is rubbish. Watching spoiled toffs and ecohabitant-wannabees (with their 4000 litre Hummer parked on the Mongolian packed-peat drive) fail miserably at budgeting and grasping basic physics is highly gratifying.

  25. Gita Says:

    SH: re the stool:

    Gita (Professional Dilettante)
    The Hermitage

  26. Swineshead Says:

    Ah – sorry – that address is in Scotland.

    I don’t do any business with the Scotches, least of all the Scotch Postal Service. The Scots are savages – NC told me.

  27. piqued Says:

    Yes, but they’re not all loaded are they Gita? Still, at least someone round here has viewing tastes…

    I bet you like to go out as well don’t you

  28. Swineshead Says:

    Yes Piqued – they are all loaded. I proved that ages ago.


  29. Gita Says:

    If they’re not all loaded, then I demand to know what their secret is. Are there certain architects who accept – ahem – favours in lieu of cash for their services? I am not above drawing cheeky blueprints or something if it means I can have a baroque castle on the middle of my own man-made island.

  30. Gita Says:

    SH: I’m not really Scottish; I just live here, to my ultimate and undying shame. FAIR IS FAIR. NOW WHERE IS MY PRIZE?

  31. piqued Says:

    There I was thinking I had an ally

    They’re not all loaded love (you made me patronsie you, that’s your fault) there have been a few where the protagonists sold their house for 200,000 and bought land for 20k etc and completed the build for the difference

    If they go over budget they can mortgage the property being built which is usally worth 2 or 3 times the cost of the orginal land fee/build

    It’s a peice of fucking piss,


  32. piqued Says:

    and it’s ‘patronise’ before you start

  33. Gita Says:

    Don’t worry, Piqued. I’m with you on Grand Designs. Those other chaps are just angsty because they secretly want a private session with Kevin McCloud. And he doesn’t even HAVE titties. Fags.

  34. Swineshead Says:

    Hey – curb your homophobia you awful woman. Shit is in the hands of a ginger postman as we speak.

    Piqued’s a dunce. ‘Protagonists’?!

  35. Gita Says:


    I thought I was going to get a stool – as in, a seat suitable for playing the piano, milking cows, etc. Had I known that I was going to receive the end-result of a WWM writer’s drunkedly-consumed kebab, I would have given you my mother-in-law’s address.

    I thought protagonist was a rather arty term for “couple purchasing builder’s services” as well. Someone’s been studying for his A-level Drama exam.

  36. piqued Says:

    Yes, you’re right Gita it was what you said about that thing that SH said I dun a misstakesz on

  37. Gita Says:

    I..don’t know how to formulate a proper reply to that. Anyway! WHY HAVE WE STOPPED TALKING ABOUT TITTIES?

    Surely we could have -ho ho- milked that one a little more?

  38. Swineshead Says:

    Gita, that’s udderly* ridiculous

    *misspelt for comedy purposes

  39. Gita Says:

    Oh dear, oh dear. This discussion is about to cup-size into the turgid waters of punnery.

  40. Gita Says:

    *looks around for someone to high-five with*

  41. Mr H Says:

    “The Scots are savages – NC told me.”

    Tis true, I know, I’m one of them.

    Course the problem up here in Scotchland, especially the Glasweegie bit, is that once people reach the age of thirty, they all look, dress and sound the same. Mebbe, it’s because it’s alway buckin freezing, but wander through certain parts of Glasgow, and all you see is wizened midgets in second hand greatcoats and bunnets. And that’s the wimmin collecting their child benefit.

    On the upside, every woman between the age of 14 and 29 wears little bar a crop top within the bottom half cut off and a belt around her front and rear bottoms. So, depending on what takes your fancy, it’s all breast milk and buttock cleavage.

    Which, thankfully, gets things back on topic. The topic being HOW GREAT ARE BREASTS. But only on wimmin. None of that manbreast nonsense. That’s just wrong and only permissible in the dankest regions of Lahndan Town. Deviant barstards.

  42. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Oh god, two of you at it, it’s a DOUBLE D-SCRACE!

  43. Swineshead Says:

    Hang on…

    *does the maths*

    That means Mr H and Gita are both in Glasgow.

    Why don’t you both go for a little drink together and report back to us on how it went?

  44. Gita Says:

    Bra-vo! That was titillating!

  45. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    (speld foaneticly) else it’d have been D-sgrace.


  46. Swineshead Says:

    That was the breast one yet.
    I know you’ve got your knockers, but I think you’re teat-riffic.

    *watches life ebb away*

  47. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Is that the breast you can do?

  48. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    oh damn we went for the same one at the same time. went tits-up, rather*

    *not a pun.

  49. Swineshead Says:

    I’m getting a bit bored of tits. Thank God the Apprentice is on tonight.

  50. Gita Says:

    Now you’ve racked it.

  51. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Yeah, I feel a boob.

  52. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    It’s a mammary I’ll want to forget.

  53. Mr H Says:

    Eckshually, I’m from Embra Toon, poshest place on the planet. At least, I am when I’m trying it on with the LADIES.

    Really I’m fae Leith, a town that thought Trainspotting was glamorous.

    However, I’ll be in Glesgae tomorrow night and will happily look at any BREASTS that are presented to me*. I’ll even take my camera.

    * the Mr H exemption clause. This specifically excludes BREASTS that are saggy, aged or attached to a man**.

    ** the Mr H exemption clause secundus. Unless they are attached to me, and their primary location remains on a WOMAN.

  54. piqued Says:

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH double mastectomy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    *runs off*

  55. Gita Says:

    John – we had better stop. What if Jennifer Ellison reads this? It would totally knocker confidence.

  56. Mr H Says:

    Jennifer Ellison?


    Even if she could, how would she see over the top of her BREASTS

  57. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Don’t know who she is. But yes we must stop, I think I’ll go and watch a film. Hitchcock perhaps…nork by nork-breast?

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