Vanity Lair



Now don’t get me wrong, readers. I quite like Alexa Chung. She’s from the Miquita Oliver stable of young female presenters who are at once quick-witted, affable and presentable. Offscreen they’re probably monsters (and I have it on good authority that Oliver acted like a twat in a West End Wagamama once, flouncing about shouting into her mobile), but they have onscreen charm and I liked ’em when they first appeared.

Harder to like them now. In Oliver’s case, she’s apparently been demoted to the lowly position of being Steve Jones’ stooge. His barrage of unfunny, clunky spiel makes T4 unwatchable, compounded by the fact that the Sunday morning hangoverathon features nothing but Hollyoaks repeats, Friends repeats and crap like Smallville. It also features ‘Vanity Lair‘ – a Big Brother style reality gameshow extravaganza. Alexa Chung presents this show, coming in at supposedly crucial points to set tasks for the ‘housemates’, lowering any kudos she may have attained beforehand, be it from her likable charm or the fact she hangs out with vaguely cool pop stars.

This gameshow / reality nightmare has rules which, after watching both the opening episode and the final episode, I still find pretty much impossible to fathom. Chung sets them tasks and, from what I can gather, their attractiveness is ascertained based on their performance in these little mind-games.

But it’s stupid. Completely and utterly stupid. As with Big Brother, all of those involved are failed or wannabe models who’ve all walked straight out of Gap via Toni & Guys with their stupid just-gone-out-of-date haircuts and togs, as thick as pigshittle and dripping in irrelevant bullshit. Not one of them is in the slightest way attractive. Even any surface, God-given beauty is masked by smug grins, vacant, gorm-free eyes and enough foundation to drown a foal. They are a microcosm of everything that’s wrong with one section of our uneducatable, celebrity-worshipping youth. Sadly, that demographic who always seem to make it onto the TV.

Why do we never see smart teenagers and early 20-somethings on the TV? I’m sure they exist. Instead, Channel 4 lines up the thickest bunch of deadbeats and shoves them through the E4 mangle so we’re presented with a seemingly endless parade of fuckwitted juvenile twats, day-upon-day… and it’s not on.

Even worse, Chung refers to the contestants as ‘beautiful people’. It’s clearly scripted, but does she not lose sleep over going on TV and referring to clearly clueless grotesques such as these as ‘beautiful people’? I know I would. You look for an ironic twinkle in her eye – some sort of indication that her heart’s not in it or she’s playing it for laughs. But there’s nothing there. Not a jot of self-awareness. She’s turning up, doing it and getting paid. 

Even worse, the ‘beautiful’ people’s attractiveness is worked out based on what their fellow contestants think of them. So you have unattractive people judging other unattractive people on how attractive they are. No wonder this shit-heap went under everyone’s radar. For something to be bad, it has to at least have a concept behind it. When something’s as meaningless as Vanity Lair, as chaotic and pointless, viewers can’t even form judgement on it. They just wait for it to fucking end before they can get on with their lives.

To top it all, the ugliest, most sneeringly awful Johnny Borrell-alike bell end won it.

Don’t expect a second season.

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64 Responses to “Vanity Lair”

  1. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    The bird you’ve linked to looks like an anorexic bundle of sex fun. I would – it’s as simple as that. PHWOOOOOOAAAR.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    What – Alexa Chung? Or the girl in the picture.

    *eats Piqued’s lamb and mint sandwich…*

    *is sick*

  3. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    The girl in the picture wot you linked to. I don’t know this Alexa woman, as Countryfile and The Politics Show are my Sunday hangover cure. Is the girl you link to not this Alexa person?

  4. Swineshead Says:

    The one that’s linked to with ‘Alexa Chung’ is Alexa Chung, funnily enough. What’s wrong with your brain?

  5. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Far too much booze yesterday. FAR TOO MUCH. I’ve won a Nintendo DS on eBay. I don’t want a Nintendo DS.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    How much?

  7. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    £95! It’s got loads of fancy stuff with it, apparently. But … £95! I don’t want it. What can I do?

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Christ alone knows. Sell it on at profit?

  9. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I could try not paying, and see what happens. Can they get you if you don’t pay?

  10. Clarys Says:

    Yes they can, NC.

    Interestingly, I find both Oliver and Chung unbelieveably annoying, and so false and try hard that it makes me want to scratch my eyes until they bleed, purely so I don’t have to see their smug faces anymore. Argh.

    Oh, and what I saw of Vanity Lair, it was [i]appalling[/i]. The only thing that could have redeemed Chung was when referring to the contestants, do it with air quotations. Hideous.

  11. Clarys Says:

    Ok, appalling was meant to become italicised there. Oops.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    We forgive you Clarys.

    As for ebay – never used it. Never needed to.

  13. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    How can they get you? Can’t I pretend to have a mentally-ill son who bids on stuff behind my back? They wouldn’t sue a spaz kid, would they?

  14. Clarys Says:

    Well, no, but it is one of ebay’s uber rules that people who don’t cough up get into trouble.

    How did you end up winning/buying the thing if you didn’t want it, out of interest>

  15. Clarys Says:

    Ffs, and that was meant to be a question mark.


  16. Swineshead Says:

    He was drunk. And that’s just a guess.

  17. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I was blind drunk and got it into my head that that surgery game would be fun to play on the bus. So I bid on a £95 machine. It’s not my first pissed-up eBay purchase – I’ve got a dreadful painting of a Lancaster bomber in my house, as well as a gigantic umbrella covered in Benson & Hedges logos. Fucking fucksticks.

  18. Clarys Says:

    Oh dear. Whoopsies. Maybe locking away the laptop/computer when pissed would be a wise idea?

    On the upside, you may very well love the DS if you buy it.

  19. piqued Says:

    I saw a bit of this shit a few weeks ago, this little preened arsehole who seemed unable to grasp the concept of concealing his insect-like torso with a fucking shirt actually burst into tears because he thought he ‘wasn’t attractive’

    Oddly, I saw that body shock programme about the real Elephant Man and he couldn’t give a flying fuck

    It’s a funny world isn’t

  20. Swineshead Says:

    It is a funny world.

    Surely modesty is an attractive trait… that obviously didn’t occur to the producers.

    Piqued gets ‘Comment Of the Day’ because

    a.) he actually saw it
    b.) he discussed it

  21. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I watched that Channel 5 programme about the boy wot drew buildings from his autism-addled spazz-mind. Nobody pointed out on the show that his pictures were SHIT.

  22. Swineshead Says:

    You’ve said ‘spazz’ twice now… you’re not being very progressive today, are you?

  23. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’m not a very progressive man though am I? I leave all that namby-pamby, politically correct, new man stuff to you and Piqued. Me, I see a mentally-ill kid, and

  24. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    … I call him a SPUD.

    Sorry about that. Pressed the wrong button because I’m still slightly drunk.

  25. Swineshead Says:

    Oh Christ – he died mid-sentence.


  26. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’m not dead. Unlike that kid’s TV presenter wot hung hisself after his missus boiled alive in a bath. Ho ho!

  27. Swineshead Says:

    Speight? Poor sod.

  28. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Poor sod? Coward, more like. It’s his family that you should feel sorry for, not that spineless bastard. If he hadn’t hanged himself, I’d have hanged him right up. BY HIS BALLS.

  29. Swineshead Says:

    If you could’ve been bothered to raise yourself from your fat-arsed torpor, yes?

    If you could’ve been arsed to drag yourself from your filth-pit and track him down?

    I doubt it.

  30. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Cor that ‘Authors’ thing is new eh?

  31. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’ve half a mind to track the bugger down now, as it ‘appens. Get ‘old of his deaded-up corpse and string the fucker up. They should cut his head off and stick it on a spike at the Tower of London. It could act as a warning to you London bastards not to go ‘anging yourselves at Paddington station.

  32. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    You mean the London-Bastards-Of-Which-You-Will-Soon-Be-One? Those London bastards? Those exact ones? The London bastards that you’ll be one of? Them?

  33. Swineshead Says:

    That ‘authors’ thing looks a bit weird, don’t it?
    Might remove that.

  34. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Does look a bit odd, not a fan of the whole (>>) thing screwing all up the place homie.

  35. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I think it looks alright. This site would look better if it featured a graphic photo of Speight’s hanged corpse, mind.

  36. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I have it on good authority that Piqued is a paedophile, by the way.

  37. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    “You mean the London-Bastards-Of-Which-You-Will-Soon-Be-One? Those London bastards? Those exact ones? The London bastards that you’ll be one of? Them?”

    Yes, them. Them ones.

  38. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    You just like it because it has your name and picture in a rather public place. And by the same reasoning, vice versa – I don’t because it doesn’t.

  39. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Ah, I see, so you’re saying you mean those London bastards which you practically are one of? (I end sentences with prepositions, but only with a post-modern air of suave cool)

  40. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    The missus is looking at a house in Belgravia this week. If we move there, it’ll make me an UBER London bastard. I might even buy a 4×4 and sire two daughters called Holly and Poppy. AND I’ll buy them ponies.

  41. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’ll have to keep those daughters safe from Piqued. He’s a paedophile.

  42. Swineshead Says:

    Napoleon – are you drinking this afternoon?

  43. Dave Medlo Says:

    Sounds about as entertaining as ‘Whatever’ – another youth aimed, youth based piece of infoless bollocks from the same stable as this. T4 could do wonders with the attention span and interests of their audience, but instead they just patronise and profit from them.

  44. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    ‘UBER London bastard’? We’d usually shorten that to ‘cunt’. And anyway, it’s not true; what’d it’d make you is horrendously poor. You’d have less disposable income than me. AND I’M A BLEEDIN’ STUDENT, MIND. You’d be grovelling for fishy dust under the Planet Organic counters, and you’d bash your head on the bottom lip of the fridge unit as you quickly scrabbled your way off the lino when the dietician-shop-assistants came over to sneer at you.

  45. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Unless, of course, Classic Rock decides to comission the Mona Lisa from you.

  46. Swineshead Says:

    Quite right Medlo. And on topic too.
    Good lad.

  47. george Says:

    I saw that thing the other week, hideous, hideous shite, though I think that’s been covered. Now that the guy that was responsible for all the crap yoof programming on E4 has gone and made BBC3 filled with crap yoof programming, who’s in charge of making all the current brand of crap yoof programming on E4?

  48. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Actually, Wagonwheel, most of the places we’re looking at are on the rental market because their owners spent the last ten years living on credit, so it’s either rent it out to vultures like me, or lose it. Renting in London is ridiculously cheap at the minute, AND a lot of the offered houses are throwing in utilities and council tax. Mind you, you wouldn’t know this being a student. Students alaways pay a fucking fortune for their housing, for some weird reason.

    And you’re a paedo like wot Piqued is.

  49. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I’m barely an adult, it’d be tricky for me to attain paedohood.

  50. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    You still won’t be shopping at Planet Organic – £4.96 for three artichoke hearts? I don’t bloody think so.

  51. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Of course I won’t be shopping at Planet Organic, whatever that is. For a start, if you think you can buy organic food in this country after our soil spent seventy years absorbing man-made chemicals, you’re a fucking imbecile. Secondly, you know me well enough to know I would never shop in a place called ‘Planet Organic’. Twats eat there, I assume.

    If you eat there, you’re a big twat.

  52. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Twats DO eat there. I went in wearing hiking trousers, manufactured, no doubt, by some poor Indian boy out of chemicals that were slowly killing him, and got sneery looks that said ‘YOU DON’T BELONG HERE’. Plus all the snobby rich-folk from uni shop there. Well, I say shop, they go there to be seen drinking overpriced coffee in ponceville, twats.

  53. Swineshead Says:


    Inverse snobbery. You have to sit back and just enjoy it, eh gang?

  54. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    It’s fine, I’m the one with the title, they can lick my old-money balls.

  55. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Inverse snobbery? You poncey twit. No doubt you eat at Planet Organic (whatever that is), Swineshead. In fact, I’ll wager you eat there reading the Guardian, and then go outside to smoke a Marlboro Light – the wanker’s fag. You’re a fat, poncey twit.

    You are fat, let’s face it.

  56. Swineshead Says:

    Planet Organic – hadn’t heard of it till today.
    Guardian – yep – read that and the Times.
    Marlboro Lights – awful fags. I smoke rollies, as you know.
    Fat – a paunch – aiming for morbid obesity before I’m 32.
    Poncey twit – Maybe a bit.

    I’m prone to making similar generalisations to the ones you’re employing today – I just try to inject a bit of wit into proceedings. I think your booze hell has run you ragged, Wilf.

  57. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    So you agree that you’re a fat poncey twit? Good.

    And I am a bit cantankerous after last night’s fun ‘n’ games, I’ll give you that. I’ve had five craps today. FIVE. And there’s plenty more where that came from, don’t you bloody worry. You fat poncey twit.

  58. Swineshead Says:

    I suppose that’s some kind of resolution.

    You’re being very personal today. It am make me sads.

  59. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’m strung out. Washed up. Boobed under.

    I’m not being all that personal, anyway. I’m merely stating established FACTS such as:

    Piqued is a dirty paedo
    Wagonwheel stinks of shit
    Swineshead is a poncey twit

    How d’ye like THEM onions?

  60. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Fried on my Dionysus kebab please, lackey. And clean off the shit you just tarred onto me with your drunken, clawed hands.

  61. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Bloody students.

  62. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Have you seen Tila Tequila? God, I loathe that woman. She makes Tyra Banks look shy.

  63. Eddychronic Says:

    i enjoyed reading the above. yes VF is appalling. i was dissapointed in Alexa, but i can’t say any more than that at mo. anyway i think this blog is old.

  64. Swineshead Says:

    You’ve read quite an old one there, yes. Read newer ones.

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