Dirty Sexy Money

by

Well, what do you know? Turns out you can polish a turd after all. Not only that, but you can also primp it, preen it, dress it, splash it luridly across television screens, attach hyperbole after hyperbole to it, cross-market it to hell, force-feed upon an audience and chant a promotional mantra to it. The one thing you can’t do, though, is stop it being a turd at heart.

That’s the clever thing about promotions. You can use all the clever wording you want as long as it’s not disprovable – for example it is quite legitimate to say that ‘The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian’ is the “most anticipated movie of the year” without ever having to actually back your data up – Prince Caspian is quite clearly not the most anticipated film of the year, but since the measures of defining anticipation are so broad it can be used heavily in marketing without ever showing how that conclusion was reached.

This is what Channel 4 are doing with their new flagship purchase – selling it on self-awarded platitudes and the empty promise of it being “America’s new hit show” whilst all the while covering up the fact that it’s a massive dud which doesn’t even come close to it’s magnificently lurid title, let alone the general acclaim they are relying so heavily on.

The show is supposedly a satire of the rich elite of America… or at least I think it is. It might be a whodunnit set in the highest social echelons of New York, or perhaps a sleazy soap opera about a dysfunctional public family, or indeed it could be any number of genres – who knows? So eager are the producers to satisfy every demographic of their pre-determined audience that they forgot to make the one thing that everyone likes; an entertaining show.

It concerns itself with the Darling Family and their family lawyer – a HIltonesque dynasty rolling in money, sleaze, politics and shading dealings with the legal representation of a Boy Scout. They’re your typical dysfunctional billionaires – so shrouded by money and influence they’ve forgotten how normal people behave and we’re meant to entertained and awed by their lavish lifestyles and exotically complicated affairs. There’re a couple of good characters – the foul-mouthed, hate-filled vicar son being the most notable – but the family are never portrayed as the rich arseholes they really are. Instead they’re humanised and explained and thus they lose all of their perverse fascination.

The show is also remarkably restrained – there’s no swearing, no nudity and no unfavourable subjects – it’s like blurring out the heiress’ vagina. There’re no bad guys, no hate figures and no amusingly lovable rogues. They’re a sexless cast, all plastic underpants and a copyright logo where the cock and balls should be and the hero is a man of such impeccable moral esteem and homely values that even he yawns when he’s on screen.

It’s not that Dirty Sexy Money is a bad show per se, it’s not – it’s just a massively underwhelming one. It is neither dirty nor sexy, prompting me to think it’d be more accurate if it was titled Boring Predictable Money. Quite how you can make a show with a budget of millions with Donald Sutherland in the cast, about the richest scheming near royal family in the country and make it uninteresting is beyond me… during the first episode I ended up teaching myself how to do Sudoku, so unexcited by the show was I.

American dramatic TV is the best in world right now, bar none. While the cinema is floundering and the internet takes over, TV has been creating wonderfully sustainable pieces of entertainment that far surpasses anything that has gone before. From the preposterous high drama of 24 to the subtle allegories of Battlestar Galactica, from the screeching lunacy of Desperate Housewives to camp theatrics of Ugly Betty, from the  twists of Lost to the ridiculous plotting of Nip/Tuck and from the sordid debauchery of Deadwood to the worshipable quality of The Wire – all via Hugh Laurie’s not-quite-get-overable American accent in House – they’re all providing solid, well written and highly distinctive programming.

You may not watch all these shows, but you must agree that they represent a boost in quality not seen for many years.

Its quite clear that Dirty Sexy Money really wants to be included in that illustrious list, but it never will. It’s too dull, too wishy-washy and too unsure of itself to ever truly be a competitor. It’ll survive for a few more seasons on the strength of an advertising campaign telling you how how successful it is, before fading away and not troubling anybody ever again.

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140 Responses to “Dirty Sexy Money”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    24 – bullshit
    Battlestar Galactica – boring
    Desperate Housewives – rubbish for idiots
    Ugly Betty – preposterous saccharine shite
    Lost – pointless going-nowhere drivel
    Nip/Tuck – fucking boring
    Deadwood – not as good as Lovejoy
    The Wire – seen episode one of season one. Good so far
    House – absolute rubbish

    And with that response, I disprove your assertion that American TV drama is the best drama in the world. it’s not. It’s Heartbeat with more money thrown at it. You just want to be an American – face the truth.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    How can you say Lost is well written?!
    They haven’t even sorted an ending out! When you’re dealing with the most convoluted plot in the history of TV for idiots, it’s probably a good idea to sort the fucking ending out rather than throw in twist after twist with no end in sight…

    How can you say Desperate Housewives is well-written? It’s fucking SHITE!

    You disgust me. You’re FIRED!

  3. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I have to agree with Swineshead on this one. American telly dramas are shit, on the whole. Even when they’re not (The Sopranos, The West Wing), they make so fucking many of ’em they end up being shit by outstaying their welcome. The only one on your list I’d agree with would be Deadwood, which is good because it’s got a British actor in it who swears a lot. And even still, like Swineshead points out, it’s not as good as Lovejoy.

    I’m forced to watch Desperate Housewives every week because ‘er indoors likes it. It’s not, as you state, ‘screeching lunacy’, it’s just drivel with each series centred around the premise of ‘what is the new neighbour’s secret’. Crap.

    And we can all make a list to justify our argument. American drama’s the best in the world? Well what about:

    Grey’s Anatomy
    Dexter
    Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
    The Unit
    Moonlight

    And as for their fucking ‘comedy’. Pah!

  4. Swineshead Says:

    They do some good comedy. Like Curb Your Enthusiasm.
    And…

    oh.

    That’s it.

    I might do a blog about America’s Next Top Model this afternoon. Even that’s better than Lost.

  5. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Curb’s good – except they’ve gawn and ruined it by making one series too many. The Simpsons used to be very very good, but now isn’t half as great as it used to be – again, they’ve made too many.

    Erm …

    Yes, I’ve run out now.

    I wish our cousins in the colonies could learn to knock something on the head. Fawlty Towers blah blah blah …

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Family Guy’s good. It’s always on, so it’s a blessing that it’s watchable.

    Curb lost it in series 5 but regained it in series 6, I felt.

    I had stew for my tea last night.

  7. Clarys Says:

    Have any of you seen Mad Men on BBC Four? It’s actually really bloody good. Very involving, quite slow moving, you’re only given a little titbit of story each episode – but it’s fantastic.

    Desperate Housewives started off shit, and got shitter. And I’ve watched some cack in my time.

    I do like Grey’s Anatomy though. I’m not saying it’s a groundbreaking medical drama, but it’s very enjoyable, and Katherine Heigl has got fantastic tits.

  8. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    You can see thousands of pairs of fantastic tits on the internet, Clarys. Tits just aren’t a justification for watching a dire TV show any more. There used to be a time when you had to slavishly watch rubbish so you could get access to tits, hence the bewildering success of Dennis Potter. Now they’re all over the shop, bouncing about. Lovely, phwooar, etc.

    I’d forgotten Family Guy … and South Park for that matter. Both good shows, but again, getting a bit repetitive. American Dad’s not bad either. They seem to do good with adult cartoons.

    I’ve not seen Mad Men. I bet it’s shit though. SHIT.

  9. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I had soup for my tea. I wasn’t feeling well at all. That Stephen Fry documentary on the printing press roused me a bit. See that, Medlo? Proper British telly, was that. SHOVE YOUR AMERICA WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE.

  10. Clarys Says:

    This is true. I have my own aswell, should I get bored.

    Family Guy is brilliant, but I do think it should stop soonish, as it could so easily go the way of The Simpsons. And I’d cry if that happened.

    Honest, it’s not shit – Roszs likes it too!

  11. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Roszzssssss likes Grand Designs and that Skins rubbish. I wouldn’t trust her opinion on what makes a good show.

  12. Clarry Says:

    What about Heroes? I hate nearly all American progs, but I was completely and shamelessly hooked on this.

  13. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    It started off alright. Then went on forever and had a crap ending.

  14. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I liked MASH, now I remember. Until it went on a bit, obviously. Happy Days was shit, except for The Fonz. Mind you, Happy Days ran for so many years, that by the end The Fonz came across as a dirty old man.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    I watched the first Mad Men. Brilliant. Then the second. Good. Then the third. Bit dull. Then the fourth. Rubbish. RUBBISH.

  16. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’ll not bother then. I assumed it was rubbish. Anyway, why do you need to watch American comedy when you’ve got what’s left of the cast of Last of the Summer Wine still giving the whippersnappers a lesson or two about comedy?

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Mad Men isn’t comedy, it’s a drama about men in the olden days selling stuff using adverts. They smoke a lot and they cheat on their wives. The end.

  18. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    It’s not a comedy? I don’t really care, it sounds rubbish.

  19. piqued Says:

    Oz was the best thing to come of the US in terms of drama

    Family Guy and Curb are funny

    The rest are cancer with the Aids and sick on it

  20. george Says:

    Sopranos and the Wire are great.

    I still like the Simpsons but then I’m a blithering idiot.

    It’s not as if Britain’s making anything that’s any good though, is it? When we’re not exporting crap talent shows and game shows to the US we’re making sub par sin offs of popular series, such as casualty 1907 and torchwood.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    Britain doesn’t need to make anything good any more, as we invented everything. Our work is pretty much done.

  22. Swineshead Says:

    Piqued – Oz was fucking brilliant, I’m with you on that.

    *unpeels pants*

  23. piqued Says:

    *receives chipolata*

  24. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    George – We do still make good stuff. Top Gear’s better than anything the Yanks make, and I hear that Mighty Boosh is good (I’m too old to know if it is, so I’ll defer to the young ‘uns). And what about Last of the Summer Wine? I think we can all agree it knocks spots off of your Wire show, whatever that is.

    I’m sweating like a fucking pig.

    Never saw Oz.

  25. piqued Says:

    You never saw OZ?

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHIIL;JIADFUI

  26. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Believe it or not, I’ve not watched ever television show ever made.

  27. Swineshead Says:

    Top Gear’s fucking boring.

  28. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I love Top Gear. It’s the best television show EVER MADE. EVER. If you’re a man and you don’t like Top Gear, then there’s something wrong with you. I don’t think I need to say what that is …

    … it’s a fondness for other men’s bottoms, Swineshead.

  29. piqued Says:

    I love Top Gear too, it’s more comforting than your mum putting you to bed with a glass of wam milk and a handjob

  30. Swineshead Says:

    Aha – more of Napoleon’s errant homophobia…

    I don’t like cars. They’re stupid fucking things. Noisy, stinking, pointless.

  31. Dave Medlo Says:

    Yeaaaah… I knew I’d get done for that one…

    Fuck you all. Most of those shows are great – Housewives I hate, as I do Betty and I’ve never seen House but the rest of them are great immersion TV. Sure, Lost isn’t brilliantly written but if you’re into it you’ll love it regardless, the same with the neo-con wet dream that is 24. And anyone who says Battlestar is boring needs to switch over from UK TV Gold once in a while, remove the irony stick from their arse and actually bother to pay attention…

    For the audiences they’re aimed at – not self consciously mocking bloggers – they’re terrific TV, and a hell of a lot better than the diet of shit comedy and reality shows we’re usually force fed.

    Yes they make a lot of them, and yes most overstay their welcome but at a time when the cinema seems to prefer 80’s slasher remakes and fuck-awful blockbusters I’ll take 24 hours of character driven, multi-layer drama anyday.

    And don’t get me started on Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles. I was going to start writing a review of that before I bored myself asleep just thinking about it… and Heroes? Shit, if you think Lost isn’t planned then Heroes hasn’t got a leg to stand on as it’s clearly written by people who need to explain things..veeeerrrryyy…sllooowwwlllyyyy…

    Has no-one actually watched Dirty Sexy Money? Or are you all busy rewatching the Apprentice: You’re Fired XTra?

  32. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I tried watching Battlestar Galactica and nodded off, so it must be boring.

    All that other stuff’s you’ve written is wrong too. I’m off out to buy some scotch eggs, so can’t explain why. You are wrong, though. Dead wrong.

  33. Swineshead Says:

    ‘And anyone who says Battlestar is boring needs to switch over from UK TV Gold once in a while, remove the irony stick from their arse and actually bother to pay attention…’

    I presume that’s aimed at me. Well you can get yourself fucked. Go back to America (where you think you came from).

    The fact that you’re a slave to American culture is summed up by the fact that you wrote ‘asshole’ in this review before I edited it back to ‘arsehole’.

    You ignored my point about Lost, by the way, focusing on it being ‘well-written’ (which it ain’t).

    It hasn’t got an END. It won’t come to an end! And for something that’s basically a mystery requiring resolution, that’s idiotic (unless it had a statement to make in the process of getting where it’s going – which it patently doesn’t). It’s an absolute waste of time.

  34. Swineshead Says:

    I agree with NC – you’re wrong.

  35. Swineshead Says:

    By the way – you’re not really fired.

  36. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    There was one I tried watching called ‘Invasion’. That went on for so fucking long, I forgot what had happened in the first place to make everyone behave all weird. So I gave up and watched Lovejoy repeats instead. Lovejoy at least wraps the story up in an hour, instead of dragging it on for 7000 episodes. RUBBISH!

  37. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Some American drama takes itself soooooo seriously. ‘Studio 60’ was a case in point. By God, did it demand that the viewer afford it the proper respect. It wasn’t a bad show, but it was certainly a pompous one. Maybe Sorkin was basking in the glory from ‘The West Wing’, I dunno.

    PS Battlestar Galactica is shite. End of.

  38. wally bazoom Says:

    You’re completely wrong about Lost, by the by. It’s had and end since the start, it’s just the middle that’s inflated. It’s contracted to finish in 2010. If you’ve watched it since day one like I have, it’s the most satisfying tv show ever made. It’s just vast, and easily the most insane and daring series since The Prisoner, at least. If you haven’t, there’s no way you’re going to appreciate it by watching the odd episode. It demands massive commitment.

  39. Swineshead Says:

    That’s it then, my commitment’s lacking.

    I’m with the extreme listening man (though I don’t know why he’s devoted an entire blog to the composers of More Than Words). These programmes don’t, in my humble opinion, deserve the respect they seek.

  40. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Do you know, i may do a tribute to Nuno and the boys. Though I’m pretty sure I gave the lead singer a quarter for a cup of tea in San Francisco once.

  41. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’d rather spend the millions of hours you apparently have to devote to Lost scratching my arse, quite franckly. I tried watching it, and it was badly-written tripe. And as for being the most satisfying TV show ever made, well that’s bollocks. Everyone knows that was Praise Be! with Thora Hird. God rest her baggy udders.

  42. Swineshead Says:

    If you don’t like
    The American dramas you see here
    Get tha funk out.

    I haven’t got a leg to stand on in this argument, as it goes. I watch Eastenders which is poorly written, badly acted and has no end.

  43. Swineshead Says:

    So Haunt Me with Mo Lippman was easily as good as Praise Be!
    In fact, give me a boxset of those two shows and I’d happily watch them over and over again. While wanking.

  44. Clarry Says:

    ‘….and Heroes? Shit, if you think Lost isn’t planned then Heroes hasn’t got a leg to stand on as it’s clearly written by people who need to explain things..veeeerrrryyy…sllooowwwlllyyyy…’

    I don’t watch Lost so can’t comment, but I thought Heroes was alright. Whatever criticism you choose to level at it, at least it was slightly more original than Housewives etc. I agree it was a bit bloody drawn out in areas – if I was in charge with the scissors in the editing room i’d have cut out the penultimate episode as it could so easily have been wrapped up by then – but at least it hasn’t extended the middle bit of a plot over the course of several unnecessary series i.e. Lost so as to make it to the 2010 finish line.

    ‘Has no-one actually watched Dirty Sexy Money? Or are you all busy rewatching the Apprentice: You’re Fired XTra?’

    No I haven’t watched Dirty Sexy Money, because it looks bloody awful.

  45. Swineshead Says:

    Ho ho ho!

    Clarry and Dave are scrapping…

  46. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Was that the one with him off of Rita, Sue ‘n’ Bob Too? There was a ghost in the house of a family? Was that it? If so, that was shit. I liked the one where there was the fat man, the blonde daughter, him off of Hollyoaks, and the wife who held the whole show together. Mind you, I only liked that because I wanted to have sex with the wife. Fat chance. Way out of my league, she was.

    I also watch EastEnders, and would argue that the forthcoming Rage of Gus rivals anything the Yanks can come up with. And I’d love a pair of Roxy’s used knickers.

  47. Who Says:

    Mo Lippman wasn’t in So Haunt Me. I’m very disappointed in you, SH. Not for the first time, neither. If you spent more time researching your fakts instead of wanking, the happier we would all be.

    *sighs and shakes head*

  48. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Maureen Lipman’. I spelt it wrong.
    Anyway, in essence, I was right. So get lost, Who.

    Ah – poor Gus. I really hope he goes quadraspazz and kicks the head of Sean clean off its neck-stump. Unlikely.

  49. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Sean’s a bubbling cauldron of post-Gulf War fury. Gus’ll get pummelled by him, and end up in a hospital being visited by that buffoon Mickey and Mickey’s dad’s dog (which smells like old rats and carpets, by the look of it). Maybe Roxy’ll give him some of her used knickers?

    AND WHAT’S DAVRO DOING IN ALBERT SQUARE? DAVRO? OFF OF THE 80S?

  50. Swineshead Says:

    Gus and Mickey – both axed, apparently.
    Maybe they die…?

  51. Swineshead Says:

    Who – you’re right – it was Yetta Feldman. I will kill myself quietly.

  52. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    THEY’VE AXED MICKEY? How could they? He’s the most useless character in the entire history of the show! That’s his point! That’s why he’s there! Axing Mickey is liking axing Keith’s chair, or Arthur’s bench. THE BBC BASTARDS. Never mind Winston’s fucking money – save Mickey, I say.

    Gus, I’m not fussed.

  53. Who Says:

    Bernard Manning in As Time Goes By. He was good in that.

    I AM RIGHTER THAN YOU

  54. Dave Medlo Says:

    Wally has got it spot on about Lost, and indeed all these shows – if you have the commitment to follow them through then they are intensely satisfying experiences…

    And yes, Swineshead, the Battlestar comment was aimed at you – well, kind of. I just find is disturbing that it can be so readily written off as boring when it is one of the most highly acclaimed shows on TV. I know opinion is opinion, but it won a fucking Peabody award and I’d think that it would be given a little more time.

    And, incidentally, I don’t think I’m an American. I mainly write about US shows and adverts, as you’d have noticed, because I don’t tend to spend much time with the TV on – I pick carefully what I’m going to give my time to – and British reality shows and sitcoms don’t feature too highly in my list. I also happen to think that British drama (a few notable exceptions aside) is pretty rubbish at the moment…

    I’m not fired, huh? Then I quit.

  55. Dave Medlo Says:

    PS. I don’t really quit.

  56. Swineshead Says:

    Bye then

  57. Swineshead Says:

    Welcome back

  58. Dave Medlo Says:

    Thanks.

  59. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Sounds very much like this Dave chap thinks he’s an American to me.

  60. Clarry Says:

    God if we’re thinking of awful television progs there’s tonnes. The most heinous of which include:

    Mad About Alice – Why?
    All about me – ‘Hey let’s make a sitcom with a mute, diabled asian boy for
    the lead….’ they’d never dare turn that one down for fear
    being non-pc
    My Family – How is this tripe consistently voted best comedy of the decade?

    Also what about that awful new offering from Ade Edmondson, Teenage Kicks? Christ…

  61. Who Says:

    Not 1 but 4 dogone signatures on the Justice for Winston petition. Bloody good work. Let’s do one to save Mickey.

  62. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    My save our sausages petition was also overwhelmingly undersigned. Mainly because the inhabitants of this island are slaves to the EEC, AND traitors. You hear that? You pack of Judases.

  63. Dave Medlo Says:

    All About Me…? Was that the sitcom with Jasper Carrott and the disabled asian kid with the internal voice of a white man?
    That was amazing. I take it all back.

  64. Clarry Says:

    NC – with regards to people off of the 80s on Eastenders, what about Rustie Lee. They’re all making a come back. And Floella Benjamin was on the London Marathon.

  65. wally bazoom Says:

    Clarry – you readily admit you don’t watch Lost, then make confident assertions as to it’s structural inefficiencies. So what I don’t understand is, if you don’t watch it, how would know whether it’s plot was wilfully distended to satisfy a time constraint or not? I mean, I’ve disregarded the possibility that you were making an out of hand comment based on no acess to any actual facts or evidence, of course. That’s clearly not what happened. So how does it work?

  66. Swineshead Says:

    By the sounds of it, All About Me sounds pretty bloody good.

    I saw ten minutes of Teenage Kicks. I can’t describe what happened afterwards, except to say it was violent.

  67. Clarry Says:

    DM – Didn’t I say All ABout Me was extremely shit?

  68. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Just because we produce some clangers, Dave, doesn’t mean America’s better. Battlestar Galactica stinks to high heaven, and American things are rubbish anyway. I bet you’d like a dirty weekend with some American things, so you could show them how much you loved them. Why don’t you fuck off to America if you don’t like British things, you Nazi bastard? Fuck off over there and take your rubbish American things with you? TO AMERICA.

    No offence, like.

  69. Swineshead Says:

    I think DM genuinely liked All About Me, Clarry. Did it have a dawgonne American character on it, y’all? If so, yankophile Dave’ll be all over it like a prairie dawg on a chipmunk, y’hear?

  70. Dave Medlo Says:

    DM – Didn’t I say All ABout Me was extremely shit?

    Yeah you did – I wasn’t being antagonistic, just sarcastic about the show… or ironic… or, hell, I don’t even know anymore…

    But I’m with you – they are staggeringly good examples of staggering bad telly. I’d add Russ Abbott’s ‘Married…For Life’, Steve Punt, Hugh Dennis and and Nick Hancock and ‘Me, You and Him’ and probably ‘Brighton Belles’ as well…

  71. Clarry Says:

    Wally – I watched SOME of the first series but grew extremely irritated with it. My comments regarding the time restraints of Lost were based on facts stated by YOU in your earlier comment:

    ‘It’s had and end since the start, it’s just the middle that’s inflated. It’s contracted to finish in 2010.’

    I am not saying it’s shit, I was saying it was protracted and your comment ‘It demands massive commitment’ illustrated this rather succintly. I have also read numerous reviews to the same effect.

    The end.

  72. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    The Golden Girls? That Golden Girls running a hotel, Golden Girls sequel? Roseanne? Friends? Billy? Her off of The Golden Girls in the Fawlty Towers remake?

    We can all come up with lists of rubbish shows. American ones are just worsterest.

  73. Clarry Says:

    Medlo – Phew, I thought I was going mad. God I forgot about those beauties. On a slightly different note, what about Rosemary and Thyme? Truly awful.

  74. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Rosemary and Thyme’s not half as bad as a load of American shows I’ve just thought of.

  75. wally bazoom Says:

    “Steve Punt, Hugh Dennis and and Nick Hancock and ‘Me, You and Him’ ”

    Really really good episode involving a stag do or a birthday or something. The guy was a nerd. The whole thing was typically hilarious.

    Battlestar Gallactica has a lot of overt socio-political and theological themes, so it’s no surprise it goes over the head of a lot of people. Not me though. I intend to read a Proust book one day.

  76. Swineshead Says:

    Lists are great.

  77. Clarry Says:

    Wally – Ignoring my point doesn’t mean you win.

  78. Swineshead Says:

    Proust books – tried one – didn’t like it. No pictures.
    I’m definitely doing America’s Next Top Model tomorrow, we won’t get all this idiotic talk of Proust, theological themes and all these god dang hot diggety lists.

  79. Clarry Says:

    SH – When I am feeling stressed I write lists so as to not forget. When I am really stressed I write lists of lists I will need to make. Also, am I the only person who draws tick boxes next to my lists, and writes things on the list that I know I have done so that I can tick them off in order to feel better about things?

  80. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’ve a piece on BBC Three’s ‘Wanking Into A Tin Pot’ ready to go. And I’m also three sentences away from finishing a review of Bravo’s ‘Chav Mums Farting Against Their Own Babies’ Faces For Money’. Thar’s gold in them thar digital channels.

  81. wally bazoom Says:

    “I am not saying it’s shit, I was saying it was protracted and your comment ‘It demands massive commitment’ illustrated this rather succintly. I have also read numerous reviews to the same effect.

    The end.”

    No, not the end.

    Massive commitment is to be comended. A show not for the weak or lilly livered. Fantastic, in my opinion. The enlarged centre of the show has only been to it’s lasting benefit. The reason I can say this with confidence is because I watched it.

    Never believe what you read in a review, that’s rule numero one. In an age where you can watch what you want, when you want, reviews must surely be becoming ever irellevant. Or are people really too scared to make a decision by themselves?

    Now the end. That’s it, finished, shush.

  82. Dave Medlo Says:

    For a flag waving nationalist Napoleon you are certainly a succinct writer… I never said America was ‘better’, I just said they make better dramatic TV than us. Apologies if my dislike of Foyles War, Midsomer Murders and Lewis isn’t toeing the Great Britain party line, I’ll be sure to catch up by watching the DVD release of Tenko and Jewel in the Crown – ah the old days when we knew who were at war with and all foreigners were dirty buggerers to be conquered…

  83. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I don’t make lists. Like Dave, I make AMERICAN lists …

    Things that are fantastic about the USA:

    Chilli Dawgs
    Beans
    Stetson Hats
    Horses
    Colt .45s
    John Wayne

  84. Swineshead Says:

    Oh God – that’s a red rag to a bullshitter, Dave.

  85. Dave Medlo Says:

    Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go take the Pledge of Allegiance, invade an Arab country and get some work done before dinner time. I’m watching the whole of Friends from start to finish on E4 and I want to get some burgers made before I sit down in my Lay-zee Boy.

    Take care, y’all…

  86. Clarry Says:

    Wally – Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry your answer was nearly as boring as most of Lost.

    *joke*

    Christ you REALLY love that programme dontcha?

  87. Swineshead Says:

    I’ll tell you what I like. Chips.

  88. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Dave – Well done on picking out some recent rubbish. What about Hancock And Joan? Cranford? Messiah? Lark Rise To Candleford? You might not like ’em, but they were well-made, and could put up a good fight against your brash American rubbish. And you could watch them to their conclusions if you had terminal cancer – something you can’t be so sure of with rubbish like Lost.

    You dirty American.

  89. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    CHIPS was good. I enjoyed that.

  90. wally bazoom Says:

    Clarry – your tone is antagonistic, don’t think you’re getting away with being a pugnacious rascal.

    As far as I like TV, I think Lost is a good show yes. I don’t mind criticism of things, I just like it to be accurate. Hence, my spirited defence.

  91. Mikey Says:

    Top Gear has become too much…used to be good when they just reviewed cars without all the gimmicky stuff… was it presented by Ian Wooldridge?

    Good American comedies… Mash has been mentioned, Cheers, Frasier, Taxi, Golden Girls (for some), Friends (I am ducking from a barrage of missiles), Roseanne, My name is Earl, I dream of Jeannie. More will come to me. Also American programs like Moonlighting and Ally McBeal are good which I guess are comedies.

  92. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Friends was shit, shit, shit. The Golden Girls was utter shit. And Roseanne? SHIT OF THE HIGHEST ORDER.

    And Top Gear’s better now they DON’T spend their time just talking about cars. For evidence of this, see how dire Fifth Gear is.

  93. Swineshead Says:

    Up to speed as usual Mikey… brush that dust off your hat.

  94. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    The Americans make good films, mind. I like the ones where Van Damme snaps necks. Oh yes.

  95. Swineshead Says:

    The Golden Girls does have a rocking soundtrack though.

  96. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    The opening song to that show was bloody awful. This had the best one:

  97. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    AND this:

  98. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    (The second one’s better)

  99. Clarry Says:

    I think I am accurate in my observations about Lost:

    A) It is long – you confirmed this with your 2010 fact
    B) Lots of people think it is overly long and/or rubbish – FACT

    Sorry, I don’t agree with you about this programme – and NO I didn’t form my opinion because someone in a magazine wrote this, I saw a bit and turned off. Defend away, but no amount of pointy message or rudeness will make me change my mind.

  100. Moon Unit Says:

    Knight Rider the best opening credits, although I don’t remember this version:

    Dynasty rocked too…

  101. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Will a pair of Roxy’s dirty knickers make you change your mind, Clarys?

  102. Clarry Says:

    It’s Clarry.

    And NO it won’t.

  103. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Sorry …

    Will a pair of Roxy’s dirty knickers make you change your mind, Clarry?

    No?

    They would me.

  104. Clarry Says:

    Yes but you’re a wrong’un.

  105. wally bazoom Says:

    Well, no, I won’t bother then. There’s no point in bellowing away at a made up mind. Basically, it’s your loss at the end of the day, innit?

    I saw five minutes of a football match once, and it was well boring, so I switched it off. Football’s therefore rubbish isn’t it? Loads of people say that.

  106. Captain Najork Says:

    *EastEnders spoliers*

    Sean eats Well’ard.
    Gus runs away on tour with the singer chick wot Sean nobbed.
    Mickey gets gang raped by the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

    One of these isn’t true.

  107. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Football’s better than Lost, Wally. Mind you, you could keep ’em both if I got my ‘ands on them damned knickers. You’re right, Clarry – wrong to the bone.

  108. Clarry Says:

    Wally – It’s not a competition and NO it isn’t my loss. I didn’t watch 5 minutes of Lost and make my mind up I watched several episodes – time I wish I could reclaim. It is fine if a person watches several minutes/games of football and doesn’t like it. Absolutely fine. Different people like different things.

    Give it up now, will you?

  109. Swineshead Says:

    Football is definitely better than Lost.

  110. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    “Different people like different things”

    Quite right, Clarry. You like Heroes, even though it turned out to be shit, Wally likes Lost, even though it was shit to begin with, and I like Roxy’s used knickers because there’s a strong possiblity they contain a blob or two of … well … let’s not get into that now. Let’s just say I have certain ‘Belgian’ reasons for getting hold of those knickers.

  111. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I agree with this Swineshead character.

  112. Swineshead Says:

    Captain Najork and Moon Unit… where’d they spring from then?

  113. wally bazoom Says:

    Blimey – alright mate, we’ve all had a drink, let’s just simmer down a bit shall we? We’re all decent people here. Surely we can find away to get along, even if your taste in tv is a disaster.

  114. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’ve never understood why people should get along. Can’t we just round up those we disagree with and imprison them in death camps?

  115. Clarry Says:

    NC – I agree – Heroes WAS a bit rubbish at the end of series 1, but otherwise I liked it, and apparently, series 2 promises even greater things.

    The mental image you just created of Roxy’s knickers makes bile rise in my throat.

  116. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I reckon the BBC could make a healthy bit of money selling EastEnders’ character’s used smalls, Clarry. For the ladies, Mickey’s, Sean’s, and Keith’s, and for the gentlemen, Roxy’s, Dawn’s, and Pat’s. They could do ’em in three packs – with a certificate. You could also sell Dot’s to the mentally-ill.

  117. Mikey Says:

    The greatest opening credits ever…

    Sheer CLASS!

  118. Clarry Says:

    “Surely we can find away to get along, even if your taste in tv is a disaster.”

    Wally – I hope you have some hard facts to back up these preposterous claims.

  119. Moon Unit Says:

    I was just passing by. Sorry to interrupt. I quite like Lost, but I’m not slavishly addicted or anything. Thought DSM was rubbish too…

    I loved All About Me, though.

  120. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I don’t think that’s as good as In Sickness And In Health, frankly. Only Fools had a good beginning, as did Praise Be! and that Salvation Army sitcom that both starred Thora’s massive udders.

  121. Dave Medlo Says:

    Wow. Hawaii 5-O has an amazing opening sequence… that editing is mad, you wouldn’t see anyone do that anymore.

    Glad to see everyone’s friends now.

  122. Swineshead Says:

    Moon Unit – you’re quite welcome. Everyone’s welcome. Welcome.

  123. Swineshead Says:

    DM – It’s the presence of Mikey – he may talk utter shit but he seems to calm everyone down.

  124. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’m having a curry for my dinner. Hmmm, curry.

  125. Clarry Says:

    Sorry – shitty, spaztastic day at work = rage

    SH – can you edit the word rage and make it red please?

  126. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Don’t do that for Clarry. It’ll fire up her blood more if you don’t.

  127. Swineshead Says:

    I would do that for you Clarry, but fuck off.

  128. Clarry Says:

    Cheers for that!

  129. Swineshead Says:

    s’alright

  130. Mikey Says:

    I liked this theme when I was a kid….

    Days of pure innocence!

  131. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    You’re pushing your luck with that one, Mikey.

  132. Mikey Says:

    I know…I like to test the parameters.

  133. gooseannoyer Says:

    American Who’s Line is it Anyway is a billion times better than the British one with rubbish Clive James in it.

  134. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I don’t see how, seeing as most of the cast of the British ‘Who’s Line …?’ was from America. Go fuck yo mamma, gooseannoyer.

  135. Clarry Says:

    Or Clive Anderson?

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