The Apprentice 2008 – Ep. 4


Christ. Well I wasn’t expecting that? Were you?

A major twist this week, of which more later. It’s interesting how this reality show is allowed (by us) to have a clearly fabricated narrative, editing that would’ve done Goebbels proud, a plot conjured out of thin air and a twist every episode. It’s so transparent that the whole thing is completely contrived, but we allow them to get away with it. I’m not sure why… the programme really is a waste of an hour. But for some reason it’s an unmissable waste of time. Peculiar.

So the phone goes, as usual, and Claire – a key performer this week – answers it in a big white, dressing gown that makes her look like she weighs 21 stone. Raef surfaces from bed with that carefully constructed hair lattice all askew, rubbing his sleepy little reptilian eyes before treating us to a shot of his left nip as he showers. One for the ladies.

Surrounded by some lovely paintings which Piqued would probably be able to bore you to death about, the contestants wait for Alan, dressed up to the nines. Alan – for he is now just plain old ‘Alan’ to me, after Simon burst his knighthood bubble last week – emerges to a 70s bongo fury soundtrack, making him resemble a withered Bee Gee crossed with a wasp. Or literally a ‘bee’ Gee.

You’re gonna be doing some photography in Bluewater, Alan instructs. ‘YES!’ mouths Simon, aware that he’s got to be Project Manager this time round, to save face. Boys and girls are mixed up for the first time this series, and on the face of it Simon has by far the better team – Alex, Claire, Jenny and Sara (lovely Sara). Helene ends up leader of the other team after some discussion and her team looks hopeless. Kevin, Raef, Lindi – all of them protrayed as buffoons in recent weeks.

When deciding on Project Manager Simon immediately jumped to the front of the queue – he knows photography and he knows Essex, right? But, when tempted to mock the people of Essex he states he would never ‘degenerate’ his own people. Which is good. He gets the job and asks Alex to be his right hand man. Alex dithers, aware that it’s a shortcut to the boardroom should they fail. At this point, cyborg faced Alex inadvertantly disrupted the whole effort, broke all confidence in Simon and ruined their chances. An immense lack of confidence that everyone else picked up on – most notably Claire who became this week’s hate-figure. They lost, if you hadn’t guessed by now.

Luckily the other team (I refuse to call them ‘Renaissance’ or ‘Alpha’ as they’re such terrible names) had Kevin on board. He wanted to SELL. He wanted to be out there ‘nailing it’. He likes nailing things. Also lucky that this team had Helene as team leader as she’s ‘got balls’ and she gets ‘pissed off’ easily. Ooer. She’s quite a horrific character – all boggly-eyed ferocity, blunt insults and faux-exasperation.

Simon chose Glamour and Beauty as his theme. Helene went for a lookalike Davey Beckham and ploughed money into a football theme – England shirts, terrace backdrop – the works. All good, but bloody expensive, so they made a poxy return, just shy of 200 quid.

I’m not sure if we were meant to believe that they’d set up the lookalike auditions. It was incredibly fabricated, but did give us the chance to laugh at what George Clooney might look like if he only ate doughnuts and Britney if she’d stayed off the drugs and moved to Surrey. As the auditions went on, Simon went to the same prop warehouse used every series and bought a few red sheets and a sofa whilst consistently asking his team to trust him, every five minutes, whilst on the verge of tears, smile wibbling on his face like a dodgy tightrope. Particularly enjoyed the scene where Simon called Claire and when she answered, said ‘hello’ as though he had received the call rather than made it. ‘Erm… Simon – you called us’. We’ve all done it. Well – I have.

After a night’s kip it was off to Bluewater.

Both teams were rubbish. Helene charged more and that probably won her the task. She was assisted in gaining victory by Alex and Claire spending the entire time complaining in the back room – making Simon’s job impossible, his face quivering and his forehead sweating all over the shop floor. Also out at the front selling rubbish photos were Sara, Jenny, Kevin, Lindi and LEE MCQUEEN. The latter was made to look vaguely human. He interacted with a child without using his stormtrooper fists to tear it limb from limb. Kevin nailed nothing, Jenny moaned and Lindi stood there looking pretty.

Out the back where the photos were developed was where everything went wrong for both teams. Helene battled with the skinless Lucinda over IT issues neither of them had the ability to resolve, whilst Raef managed to print a mug upside down with a comical ‘oh deeeeear’. And all of this with a disgruntled Dave Beckham looking on.

As I type, I realise that Jennifer – the Irish bob girl – didn’t feature at all last night. Was she even on camera? How is this allowed to happen?

In Simon’s squadron, Alex spent his time taking the piss out of the proles in the photos, telling Claire why he couldn’t do as Simon asked. Claire was meant to relay why errors were being made, which she patently did not do.

But she wasn’t fired at the end. Simon was. Fair enough, they made a loss – but there was a reason for that, and the reason was Claire. So another nasty, foul-tempered twat gets the nod ahead of someone who’s willing but just a bit feckless. It’s so unfair. It doesn’t seem right.

It’s the way the world works. Get used to it. This is business, alright?


Addendum 1: Sugar singing ‘coulda, woulda, shoulda…’ – is he a secret fan of Beverley Knight?

Addendum 2: Simon, in his exit interview, mentioned that he honestly ‘gave it 100%’. And that was his major failing. EVERYONE knows you have to give it at least 110% percent, otherwise the maths make sense and you’ve no hope of winning…

Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3

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101 Responses to “The Apprentice 2008 – Ep. 4”

  1. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    This show’s become a bloody joke. The two underlings of that cunt, Sugar, tell him Claire’s intolerable, the cunt himself agrees and goes further in calling her a bully, Alex blatantly lies and the three goons know he’s lying, and then Sugar fires Simon. In a way, this was more disgraceful than letting that red-haired bitch off the hook. That’s me ‘n’ The Apprentice done with, thanks a lot. In future I’m watching those four-face baby programmes on Channel Five.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    What was Alex’s lie?

  3. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    That he didn’t have a clue about the distribution problems. Simon told him, and so did Claire. Then the snakey bastard denied everything. The snake.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    Ah. The snake. What a snakey cakey wide awakey snakey bastard. I hate Claire more. I like hating.

  5. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I only liked Simon. The rest of them can get fucked. I probably missed a man with a face made out of testicles for this. RUBBISH!

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Simon was as much of a tit as the rest of ’em. I like watching them all make idiots of themselves.

  7. piqued Says:

    I have to agree with NC I’m afraid, I only liked Simon too

    Have to say that I felt Simon was fired for the sake of ‘oh, he’s fired Simon? Christ’ rather than ‘Well he had it coming, frankly’ because he didn’t

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Except he did have it coming. He closed down the operation to sort the problem out rather than showing someone else how the camera worked (Jenny or Lindi) and letting Sara and whoever else continue selling. he was pretty hopeless, you have to admit.

    Why does everyone love Simon?

  9. Paul Groves Says:

    110% is for wimps…you gotta give 150% at least.

    Simon’s main failing was that he tried too hard to exert his authority over the poisonous Claire and the weasley Alex. He should have let them bicker and squabble to the point where Margaret killed them for the sake of everyone’s sanity.
    He had a tear in his eye as he left the boardroom and so did the Gruff Bearded Buffoon probably – having to listen to the producers yet again to bolster ratings, rather than the blessed twosome to choose the best candidate.
    But, you’re right, they are all useless.

    At least we learned from Simon on You’re Fired! that Frances smells wonderful. We already know she’s ultra-efficient – a fragrant lovely in every respect. Aaahhh…

  10. Mikey Says:

    Simon had to go despite the fact that he is a decent geezer. He could not project manage the team.

    He set himself up at the beginning of the show and in Shakespearean style “The tragedy of Simon” unfolded. It was entertaining and one could not help but quite like the guy.

    He probably did himself a lot of favours in his sportsmanlike acceptance of the outcome. My guess is that potential employees will quite like him. Who knows he could still find himself working in the Sugar empire in some position.

    I just get the feeling that if Simon and AS had been schoolboy friends, Simon would have grafted for AS from the very beginning. Loading the van, giving ideas, unloading the van, helping out and being a general all round good companionable geezer.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    Potential employers, Mikey, including the BBC. Simon’s perfect for Cash in the Attic or that estate agents crap with fat Kirsty and slaphead Phil.

    He’s made for daytime TV and will be presenting some piece of shit by the end of the year, mark my words.

    Paul – spot on as usual – apart from your ongoing obsession with Margaret. She has a toothed vagina.

  12. Mikey Says:

    Did you know that Lucinda… “began her career in Risk Management before undertaking various roles involving I.T. in the financial sector.”
    (From the apprentice website). After her efforts yesterday, frankly I find this amazing!

  13. Swineshead Says:

    She couldn’t work out how to install basic hardware.

    From experience I find that if you plug it in and wait, Windows tends to detect it. Then it installs itself. The dimwit.

    I quite like her though, no idea why. I find myself agreeing with her when she tells people to stop being rude to her.

  14. Paul Groves Says:

    Swines: “…apart from your ongoing obsession with Margaret. She has a toothed vagina”.
    What’s your point, like?

    Mikey – they’re all a bunch of liars and will say and do anything to stay in the series. It shines through during boardroom sequences when they rewrite history to suit their own needs.
    Alex did it last night and got busted for it, but not fired.
    Jenny the Chin did it a couple of weeks back when she called Shazia a liar – a classic pot and kettle-type situation there – but wasn’t picked up on it.
    I hate them all.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    I hate them all too.

    Apart from Alex who I find interesting in a Ziggy from BB, Patrick Bateman, T2000 sort of a way (I am terrified of him and all he stands for)

    And Sara who is bloody lovely.

  16. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Yes, Sara is lovely.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Have you really given up on it then, NC? Or can you see yourself crawling back next week…

  18. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    No, I’m fed up with it. It’s women born with eight tits for me from now on.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    8 tits seems like a dream, in practice I imagine it’s too complex to contemplate.

    This amused the child in me:

    Credit to Piqued for the find.

  20. Clarry Says:

    What amused me most was Claire’s rendition back at the house of what happened in the boardroom:

    *In sing-songy voice*

    ‘He said go on, get out. Go back to the house. You’re PM next week. So i’m PM next week, sorry guys!’

    That’s patently NOT what happened, is it Claire? It never fails to amaze what they can selectively hear and see. Fi on ‘You’re Fired’ last night put it well:

    ‘Claire looks in the mirror and sees a no nonsense, straight talking business woman. I see a floppy dollop.’

    I don’t know what a floppy dollop is, but I certainly wouldn’t want to be one!

  21. Swineshead Says:

    Who’s Fi? I don’t watch You’re Fired. Well. I’ve seen on of ’em.
    Is she the woman who sells pants?

  22. Sharon Says:

    “Why does everyone love Simon?”

    Because he’s just super duper scrumptious for any single woman with hormones! He can cook, he can clean, he can iron. He can run things to military precision (as a number 2) and believe me if he was married to me he would be second in command!

    “He’s made for daytime TV and will be presenting some piece of shit by the end of the year, mark my words.”

    Oh I do hope so, Swinesead. Then I can swoon over him some more !!!

  23. Clarry Says:

    Also, I agree with NP and P Alex is a snakey worm and I HATE him. Claire is second worst and I thought Helene was really out of order to Lucinda (also a cunt of the highest order) and lied a lot to cover her arse.

  24. Sharon Says:

    Clarry said: “Claire looks in the mirror and sees a no nonsense, straight talking business woman. I see a floppy dollop.”

    I think the words used were: “stroppy trollop”

  25. Clarry Says:

    I don’t usually watch ‘You’re Fired’ but was so incensed after last night’s prog that I had to watch to see if people were nice to him or not. Simon was the only one I liked as he was the only person who was remotely normal and didn’t pretend to be the best salesman in the world, or an IT manager who can’t even use a computer…

    No idea who Fi was, but she was ‘right on the money’ to coin one of Sir Alan’s shit phrases. Also, lightbulb-headed DJ Trevor Nelson, was annoyingly right in all his observations.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    A floppy dollop is in many ways similar to a stroppy trollop.
    Indeed, I’ve met many a floppy, stroppy, trollop dollop.

    As for Simon – doesn’t the haircut and the cheese aura put you off? Pull yourself together woman!

    Clarry – Simon didn’t pretend to be anything he wasn’t? Right. So the bit where he announced his IQ at 170 was a figment of my weird fantasy.

  27. Clarry Says:

    Sharon – Sorry, I obviously misheard, I thought it seemed an odd thing to say!

    SH – Er, shit, I forgot about that bit. THE TWAT! He did visibly shudder when they played that bit of VT back to him. Otherwise he was ok, cheese or no cheese.

  28. Swineshead Says:

    Two backtracks in one comment there, Clarry – you’re losing your touch mate. You floppy dollop.

  29. Clarry Says:

    Total disgrace, I know.

    A floppy dollop sounds like a disorder of some kind.

  30. Paul Groves Says:

    Swines: I have to agree, Simon kind of lost me when he started going on about his IQ.
    Come to think of it, he had more chip than chop.
    He might well have felt the need to prove himself against this bunch of poncing show ponies, but he didn’t need to be so obvious about it.
    And he was always so eager to please, like a beagle on heat.
    Actually, I hate him as much I hate the rest.

  31. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I can’t say I share Sharon’s reasons for liking Simon. I just thought it was nice to have an ordinary chap who’d spent a few years getting his hands dirty on the show for once. I’m a bit sick of a pack of jackals boasting about their mediocre abilities and saying shit like ‘If he takes me on in the boardroom, I will destroy him’, and ‘The word loser is not in my vocabulary’ etc. etc. Alright, so Simon acted like a bit of a wally on last night’s show, but then for everyone to act as if he is good for nothing but digging trenches, and that he has no management skills when he was an NCO in the British Army is patently ridiculous. It’s the NCOs that run the bloody service. With his departure, you’re left with the usual gaggle of braggards. Seen it all before, so I’ll go elsewhere for my jollies.

  32. Clarry Says:

    Here, here NC!

  33. Clarry Says:

    Hear, Hear! Is actually what I meant – having a brain prolapse today.

  34. Swineshead Says:

    NC – I agree, to be honest.

    What really makes me cringe is imagining myself on the show. I would be utterly, utterly hopeless, but at least I wouldn’t bang my own drum without a leg to stand on – to mix metaphors.

  35. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I also guffawed when I compared the opening spiel:

    “They’ve all given up high earning jobs for a chance to be Sir Alan’s apprentice …”

    To Simon’s words at the end of the show:

    “It’s back to installing satellite dishes for me on Monday.”

    Is anything real on this show?

  36. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    “What really makes me cringe is imagining myself on the show”

    Yes, but you’re not a boastful fool living in a bubble of self-assurance. Mind you, even if you’re not (like Simon), you get fired by that bastard Sugar anyway.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    Simon WAS boastful! IQ – 170. Do you fancy him or something?

  38. Mikey Says:

    They are all boastful. I guess it must be a trait that would have to be present to go through all the palava of applying and actually wanting to be on the show. Of the girls I like the Irish one. She seems to be doing OK and does not seem to have antagonised anybody.

  39. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Very mature. As I said, he behaved like a wally. And if he has got an IQ of 170 and said it to camera, so what? It’s hardly enough to condemn him, and who knows in what context the camera crew squeezed that little gem out of him? You expect the others to come out with shit about how great they are without prompting, but as he’s done nothing of the sort before, I’m suspicious.

    Anyway, he says one silly thing and it pushes him into the same category as the rest of the backstabbing bastards on the show? I don’t think so. Most of the stuff he’s said he can do before, such as working all the machines in a laundry, he’s proved he can do. When the rest brag that they can do this, that, or the other, it soons become painfully clear they can’t. In fact, all the candidates on this and the other series seem to be able to do is bang on about their own greatness.

    I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be miffed that the only person who’s consistently shown any real-world abilities is thrown off in favour of a pig-faced bully fond of her own voice and completely sure of her massive abilities despite mounting evidence to the contrary.

  40. Sharon Says:

    “Simon WAS boastful! IQ – 170. Do you fancy him or something?”

    Well I do (personally) — but I think we have already established that Sharon is currently *swooning* over Simon Smith !

    As for the IQ thing, I think it is probably (a) genuine (the army *does* IQ test); and (b) because he didn’t realise he would sound like a twat, he was just being honest.

    I have an IQ of 140 + just scraped into Mensa by the way (also totally honest) … am I boasting? No just trying to DESPERATELY appeal to Mr Simon Smith that we might be somewhat compatible somehow !!!

    P.S. Being brainy (good at puzzles + maths + stuff) is no guarantee of success in other fields in life — eg management skills or circus skills or singing ability or ANYTHING that is not measurable by a poxy IQ test.

  41. Swineshead Says:

    A lesson in maturity from the man who calls himself ‘cockaparte’? Surely not…

    Well the 170 thing was boastful, like it or not.

    Do remember though, this is just TV. Don’t just be suspicious about Simon’s exit, be suspicious about the whole lot. It’s entertainment, like all reality TV. I couldn’t care less who wins. As I said before, it’s not about winning, it’s about making an ass of yourself on camera.

  42. Swineshead Says:

    I bet my IQ’s in the low 50s.

  43. Clarry Says:

    I forgot about the “It’s back to installing satellite dishes for me on Monday” comment”, that nearly made me cry. I must be ill….

    I don’t care for the Irish girl either as she was responsible for the ‘I can sell pieces of paper for £50’ and ‘I’m the best salesperson in… probably in Europe’ comments.

  44. Clarry Says:

    But IS his IQ really 170? I don’t think it is, he was jusy trying to big himself up, so that was a silly thing for him to say. If his IQ really was that high then boast away, he deserves it!

  45. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I didn’t call myself that. I couldn’t figure out how to switch to B P Perry on WordPress when I wasn’t doing the ‘Ask Napoleon’ thing on my blog. It seemed I could be Napoleon, or nothing. So Napoleon it was then. I blame my age and my IQ of 16.

    And, as I’ve said before, if this is just TV, don’t sell it as a job interview. If it’s just TV, get Davina in there, get an audience. Don’t sell it to me as one thing, then change the rules and call it something else when it suits. It’s either a job interview, or its a Big Brother clone where the rules are skewed in favour of the nastiest contestants. If it’s the latter, then I don’t watch Big Brother, and I’ll stick to Indians with teeth growing out of their arse instead.

  46. Mikey Says:

    NC, by Simons own admission he was not cut out to do the job. He said he is a number 2. That was on the “your fired” program. The fact is that he was not able to organise the project correctly thus he got fired. No matter how much you like him, no matter how devious and cunning you think the others are, he was not going to win outright. Yes he would win the contest “who you wouldn’t mind having a beer with down the pub”, but that is not the criteria.

    I am not a fan of these reality TV shows, which all seem to encourage competition, arrogance, rudeness and reflect a part of modern society that I do not find in the least attractive. With this said I am not sure why i watch the apprentice. I am trying to work out why it can be absorbing.

    NC – You have to keep watching it if only to keep your eye on Sara.

  47. Swineshead Says:

    No he doesn’t. He doesn’t deserve it. Your IQ means fuck all if you don’t do anything with it.

    The Irish girl will be in the final, but won’t win. Don’t quote me on that.

  48. piqued Says:

    ‘The Irish girl will be in the final, but won’t win’ Swineshead April 17, 2008 at 1.42pm

  49. Swineshead Says:

    My last comment was meant to appear ages ago but it all went wonky.

    NC – you are watching a gameshow, let’s face it. I actually watch the Apprentice for the editing and the production. The characters are secondary and Alan Sugar, despite making a couple of good gags per episode, is actually an irrelevance.

  50. Swineshead Says:

    Very droll, Piqued.

  51. Mikey Says:

    Yes the program is contrived. All the shots of the City when the office you will be working in is in Essex. (It would of been so convenient for Simon.)

    I cannot see major companies in the World adopting this method as a good interview technique. It is supposed to be entertainment though.

    Let’s face it though, for some it will be the only way of even getting close to a £100, 000 job. And there is always the potentiality of some sort of celebrity spin off if you have a bit of attitude. You do risk however falling flat on your face and looking a bit of a twit.

  52. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Fuck it. If it’s a gameshow, then it should be investigated by the standards committee for unfair practices. It’s twenty-foot tall Malaysians with eggs for eyes for me. Fuck The Apprentice.

    I’ve just had a V+ box installed. Now I can record every episode of EastEnders and watch them whenever I want … like I could in the 1980s with a VCR. WELCOME TO THE FUTURE.

  53. piqued Says:

    ‘I’ve just had a V+ box installed’

    Is that some sort of contraception you slag?

  54. Swineshead Says:

    Yes – but you can record two channels at once and watch a third, see?
    Actually, there were two videos in my house when I was a lad and three tellys. You’re right. Nothing has changed.

    What a shithouse.

  55. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    It certainly took the glamour off the salesman’s patois when he rang me up.

  56. Swineshead Says:

    Do you mean ‘patter’?
    Or was he a rasta?

  57. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I mean he was a Rasta. Or at least I think he was, with lots of ‘Yeah, mans’ said in a West Indian accent. That’s not racist, is it? If he wasn’t from Jamaica or what-have-you, he certainly sounded it.

    I’m sure that can’t be racist …

  58. Mikey Says:

    Salesmans’s Patter.

    Rasta’s patois.

  59. Swineshead Says:

    It’s not racist. The bloke who fitted my V+ was also a rasta, funnily enough.

  60. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Maybe it was the same man? If so, fuck me, Virgin are BASTARDS for making him go that far on his rounds.

  61. Swineshead Says:

    He asked for a cup of tea and only had two sips, if that helps. Probably testament to my tea-making skills, or lack of.

  62. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    This one was selling on the phone to me. If they’re forcing him to ring me up and sell me stuff, then making him go to yours to do installing, they’re fucking slave-drivers. My installer was a small chap with two missing teeth. He drank all of his tea. Mind you, I made it perfectly clear how unhappy I was about having to make it in the first place.

  63. Swineshead Says:

    The bloke with two teeth sold me the package and made me sign the contract. Are these the only two V+ employees in England?
    It’s scandalous.

  64. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’ve just noticed your adenda. Cue ponderous, Kenneth Williams-style snort from Piqued.

  65. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    They may well be. They might take it in turns as to who gets the van and who gets the phone. The installer told me they’d sacked two lads for going to a cafe when they should have been working. Apparently, they have tracking on all the vans that brings up a satelite image back at headquarters of where it is at any given time. What happened to the glory days of the White Van Man? When he could spend most of the day hiding his vehicle behind a wall so he could read the Mirror and check his betting slips? There’s no hope for the working man in today’s technological era.

  66. piqued Says:

    If you’d waited until next week Simon could’ve fitted it, you could’ve told him you though Alan was wrong, and he’d have opened up to you I’m sure. Thirty minutes later you’d be kissing and Simon would be caressing the increasing bulge in your combat trousers, you’d be telling him to hurt you and Simon would respond by pulling down your pants with such force the zip would shear, turning you round with a tear in his eye, pushing you forward and entering you roughly before manipulating your engorged manhood back and forth, with your head flung back you’d have never seen the knife NC in the other hand, you would’ve had no chance as, at the very moment he fills you with his warm effulgent, he passes the blade once across your windpipe that hisses apart in a firework of gore -your shuddering body closing on his wick- Simon holds you as you slowly fall to the floor whispering words of love in your soundless, retired, redundant ear…

    But you didn’t wait until next week did you. Idiot.

  67. Mikey Says:

    Simple GPS system. You’ll find warehouse operatives wear them these days as well so that they can be traced. I think within 100 years time we will all have them. They will be a part of our clothing.

  68. Swineshead Says:

    Mikey – your comment is sort of lost in the wind after the sheer filth of Piqued’s badly punctuated effort…

  69. Clarry Says:

    A very filthy and very long sentence, wasn’t it? Do you have any idea how hard it is to stifle my laffs when i’m trying to pretend to do some work.

    You are so selfish Piqued….

  70. Mikey Says:

    Yeah I know. Mind you what’s new?

  71. piqued Says:

    Punctuation was dreadful, sorry, I had to write that with one hand before the boss peaked over my shoulder

    Anyway, you were saying?

  72. Clarry Says:

    Plus did you mean effluent, or did Simon fills NC with a bright light? Maybe he was giving him some of his IQ.

  73. Swineshead Says:

    Ah – don’t be like that Mikey-boy, you are a treasured contributer.

  74. Clarry Says:

    Or it brings a whole new meaning to the Ozrics’ album.

  75. Mikey Says:

    Cheers Swineshead…I was not meaning to be flippant but meant it in a lighthearted and cheery way.

  76. Swineshead Says:

    Sorry Mikey, can’t reply, still knocking one out to Piqued’s prose.

  77. Clarry Says:

    For god sake, what’s the matter with me….


  78. piqued Says:

    Bloody hell Clarry, well spotted!

    Used to see them every week in a club in Deptford called The Crypt, actually, I saw the unsigned Stone Roses supporting them…

    erm, a few months ago


    *runs off*

  79. Sharon Says:

    I am heartbroken — I just found out this nugget from the BBCs website of candidate info:

    “Living with his girlfriend and new baby, Simon hopes to win The Apprentice by winning every task because of his ability to think on his feet”

  80. Swineshead Says:

    Sharon – this is reaching stalker status.

  81. Clarry Says:

    They were one of my faves back in the 90s, saw them many a time.

    Wow, Stone Roses supporting the Ozrics, strange combo.

  82. piqued Says:

    Well the Roses weren’t known, having said that, they’d been tipped and the place was packed.

    That was the same night I took too much acid and speed and ended up falling over on my side whilst dancing, and not realising, before I was helped up by friends I was apparently still ‘dancing’ and screaming at the floor to fuck off and give me some space- happy days

  83. Clarry Says:

    I’m going to the Wallace Collection tomorrow, which is where Sir Alan gave the candidates their briefing in The Apprentice last night. Does anyone know how to get there?

  84. Clarry Says:

    Fantastic! Must have been quite a spectacle….

  85. piqued Says:

    it’s lovely there

    Yes, we used to go every week before it was shut by the police, sorry to say illegal raves killed it, suddenly everyone was up for tripping and police stopped turning a blind eye.

    In the 4 years I went there I never saw any bother.

  86. Clarry Says:

    Cheers Piqued!

    It’s a shame when everyone else cottons on to a good thing isn’t it? Without meaning to get back on the Sleaford thing, SH will be able to recall a place called Follies, which was ace if you ignorned the extreme physical violence and fighting. You could smoke there undisturbed and they used to pay you in beer to leave as it started to get light. It was free entry in the main, but on occasion he’d charge a quid and we’d go mad. A POUND? Now they try and charge £7 to go to a shit nightclub with terrible music and no atmosphere.

  87. Swineshead Says:

    Ah – Follies.

    I wonder what Torg’s up to.


  88. Clarry Says:

    He’s back in the ford again these days, but has a bad leg.

  89. Clarry Says:

    Off now, bye.

  90. Swineshead Says:


  91. Sharon Says:

    “Sharon – this is reaching stalker status.”

    Since when has it been “stalking” to just “google” someone on the internet or check out the BBC info about them (when they are in a BBC TV programme) …..?

    That’s being OVERLY curious at most. (I had no intentions of contacting him, let alone tracking him down.)

    STALKING involves visitng / following the person in person.
    HARRASSING involves contacting / writing to the person.

    “Googling” someone + looking up the BBC info — purlease !!!!

  92. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    It’s like a Mastercard advert.

  93. Swineshead Says:

    I was only joking Sharon…

    *actually stalks Sara*

  94. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Simon broke Apprentice convention by actually coming across as a human, and a damned nice one to boot, in You’re Fired! Have you ever seen any of the hard faced automatons say ‘yep, deserved to go, reached my level’ before?

    Claire is Hitler in bad false eyelashes. Alex is a cowardly bore who thinks he’s playing a shrewd game but fot bitch-slapped so hard by Margaret his little chin wobbled. And Lucinda – Dear God, Lucinda – where do you start? She doesn’t appear to have any ability at anything. Pretty little thing, sure, but being a doe-eyed slattern isn’t a recipe for success. No, wait, what about Michelle? Who knows?

  95. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    In all fairness to Hitler, God rest his soul, he had a tendency to understand the words he was speaking as they were coming out of his mouth. Claire is one of an increasing number of swaggering young guns who have learnt how to pronounce some words but have, as yet, not found the time to find out what they mean or in what context they should be correctly used. And she looks like a pig in knickers.

  96. piqued Says:


  97. Who Says:

    Pigs in knickers?

    Is that them little sausages wrapped in bacon…

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