Bafta Television Awards, 2008

by

Harry Hill

Sunday evening and time for some glitz and glamour. I stuck on my dinner jacket and dicky bow, turned out the lights, put out a few nibbles and took some notes on the proceedings, so we can all remember the highs of last night’s wonderful Bafta awards. What a night! What a show! What a collection of humorous acceptance speeches!

If I’m honest, I half-watched it whilst sitting in my pants and reading the paper.

Best actor
Andrew Garfield – Boy A
(Channel 4)

I didn’t watch Boy A when it went out. The only one I did watch of those nominated was Secret Life (the one about the paedophile with the elastic band). That was good and should’ve won, in the expert opinion of someone like me who couldn’t be arsed to watch all the others. The acceptance speech was a bumbling, heart-warming mess, and I wish the young bastard well.

Best actress
Eileen Atkins – Cranford
(BBC One)

Won by that woman out of Gosford Park. Again, I didn’t see Cranford. Was it any good? Was Atkins in Tenko? I think she was in Tenko.
Dame Dench was in the same thing, was nominated, but didn’t win it. Good. Give it to someone else for a change, Dench. Gina McKee should’ve won it, as she was the only one nominated who was in a programme I might actually have watched but can’t remember due to drunkenness (The Street). Plus, she was good in Brass Eye and Naked.

Best entertainment performance
Harry Hill – Harry Hill’s TV Burp
(ITV1)

Hooray! I like TV Burp. Even though – in my paranoid mind – he reads WWM and nicks some of our ideas, like Charlie Brooker and Sam Woolaston from the newspaper. Except they probably don’t.

In fact, I’d put money on the fact that they don’t.

Thank God JLC and Alan Carr didn’t win it. Amstell just missed out, which will at least give him material for his egocentric (but admittedly very amusing) gags on Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

Best comedy performance
James Corden – Gavin and Stacey
(BBC Three)

This was very strange. The bumbling chubbyman came onstage, all sweetness and light and made a lovely speech about his co-writer (her from Saxondale). He wrapped it up with ‘not funny, but true’. Emotive and nice, setting the scene perfectly for his fuck up later. I’ll get to that in a bit.

How he beat Merchant, Mitchell and Capaldi I’ll never know. I don’t watch Gavin & Stacey and from the nomination clips, I’m glad. Where the other three nominations all had clips demonstrating the quality of the comedy up for an award, Gavin & Stacey’s featured a fat man in some girls’ pants. Hmmm.

Best single drama
The Mark Of Cain
(Channel 4)

Didn’t see it. It was about war, wasn’t it? Good, good.

Also nominated were three other dramas I’ve not seen. Again – sorry.

Best drama serial
Britz
(Channel 4)

Didn’t see it. However, I now know that the main lady in it looks bloody lovely in a halter-neck frock. Apparently it was about suicide bombers and stuff.

I didn’t see any of the others and don’t know what they were about.

Best drama series
The Street
(BBC One)

I saw one of these. I definitely saw one of these. The one with David Thewlis acting as though he was a twin that had died, when he was really the twin that hadn’t died. I even reviewed it somewhere. It was good.

I didn’t see any of the Life on Mars business as John Simm makes me shudder, and I didn’t see the others, so clearly the right one won.

Best continuing drama
Holby City
(BBC One)

Napoleon’ll be happy, I thought to myself. Obviously Eastenders was robbed.

Best factual series
The Tower: A Tale of Two Cities
(BBC One)

Guess what? I didn’t see it. It looked very worthy and, if I’m honest, boring. Who wants to be bored? Not me. Should’ve featured zombies.

I’m just glad Merton being a berk in China didn’t win. And I’m even gladder that Meet The Natives didn’t win. The former because is was more about Merton than China, the latter because it was a wholesale rip off of something Donal MacIntyre did much better a few months before to little acclaim. Tribe should’ve won, because Bruce Parry is a real man. He drinks the blood of beasts and takes hallucinogens with mean men.

Best entertainment programme
Harry Hill’s TV Burp
(ITV1)

Hooray! A good choice, and Hill had the presence of mind to give us a few catchphrases rather than the faux-modesty and badly prepared gags everyone else attempted. He also beat Britain’s Got Talent and Strictly Come Dancing, the evil reality shows that give pieces of art like Britain’s Worst Teeth a bad name.

Have I Got News For You missed out but it won’t exactly hurt them given that it’ll run on and on until they’re all dead. And probably beyond, with David Mitchell and Russell Brand doing, respectively, Oxbridge intelligensia versus working class humorist.

Best situation comedy
Peep Show
(Channel 4)

Glad this won. The IT Crowd isn’t really my cup of milky tea and The Thick of It, despite excellent scipting/improvisation is an incredibly sneery piece of work. Benidorm remains unwatched, for me. I made the unqualified decision that it’d be rubbish before it started. Was I right? Anyone?

Best comedy programme
Fonejacker
(Channel 4)

Oh for Christ’s sake. Fonejacker is a tired concept. The Jerky Boys were doing this ten years ago.

Armstrong & Miller, Ponderland and Star Stories were all better.

Audience award
Gavin & Stacey
(BBC Three)

As mentioned before, I’m not bothered by Gavin & Stacey. Tucked away on BBC3, it’s off my radar like the Lily Allen show and Alexa Chung’s new vehicle ‘The Wall’. I know Corden and his skinny mate from their rubbish turn on Big Brother’s Big Mouth. Corden, arriving on stage, blurted ‘How can we win Best Comedy Performance and this, but not be eligible for Best Sitcom??’

Tumbleweed breezed through the studio. His co-writer (her out of Saxondale) told him off. Everyone went red. Even better – what was the next category? Best sitcom! ‘That’s unfortunate’, said Norton, helping to diffuse the tension.

The only point of interest all evening.

Best single documentary
Lie of the Land
(Channel 4)

Didn’t see it. It was about farmers or something.

Best feature
Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares
(Channel 4)

Oh for god’s sake. Don’t encourage the forehead-trenched, pigeon chested buffoon. We want him off our TVs, not on.

Best international show
Heroes
(BBC Two)

Not seen it. Looks rubbish. Was doing the crossword by now.

However, was amused by Alan ‘Jim Robinson’ Dale remarking that international seemed only to mean ‘American’. Good man.

Best specialist factual
Andrew Marr’s History of Modern Britain
(BBC Two)

Attempting 3 down.

Best current affairs
China’s Stolen Children – A Dispatches Special
(Channel 4)

7 across.

Best news coverage
Sky News – Glasgow Airport Attack
(Sky News)

Having a look at the Sudoku.

Best sport
ITV F1: Canadian Grand Prix Live
(ITV1)

Deciding Sudoku is too hard.

Best interactivity
Spooks Interactive
(BBC One)

Eh?

Long Service
Bruce Forsyth

Oh Christ… Bored and turning off.

*Click*

 

 

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67 Responses to “Bafta Television Awards, 2008”

  1. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Good to see Holby winning another award. The best completely unbelievable/dirty/idiotic medical drama on Planet Earth. And excellent news about Harry Hill. I’d have awarded him all of these and turned the entire event into an elongated version of TV Burp. It’s not on that the show’s not on at the moment, not on at all. Saturdays are an emptier place.

    Shame you missed Lie of the Land. It was a riveting portrait of the state of the British countryside, and it even had some tits in it. Mind you, they were bird tits, as opposed to bird’s tits. Birds, not boobs. Yes?

    Excellent review.

    I am now a slave to my V+ Box, by the way.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    V+ has ruined my life too. Catch Up is a bit shoddy – no ITV on there so you can’t see old Harry Hills… but apart from that, it’s bloody great.

    Have you seen Gavin & Stacey? Will someone watch it for me and tell me if it’s alright?

  3. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I watched one the other day and wasn’t all that impressed.

    I’ve had Catch Up on normal Virgin (used to be Telewest) for a few years, so I know all about the missing ITV issue – can be annoying, though not all that annoying seeing as ITV mainly broadcasts tripe I wouldn’t want to watch anyway. The V+ thing is bloody great, you’re right. I watched Bobby yesterday, whilst still recording Bobby. How does it do that? The only downside is the missus is recording every episode of Smallville she can find.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    What’s Bobby?

    I’ve got America’s Next Top Model and Gossip Girl clogging mine up as we speak, what with ‘er indoors mastering the controls.

    The latter is unspeakably awful while the former has at least got some vaguely attractive women on it. Apart from Tyra Banks, who is the personification of evil.

  5. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Don’t bother with The Wall. It’s Live and Kicking for 20-something brainless shits – one of their regular slots is someone who drives around in his car commenting on stuff in the style of Noel Fielding and in a fake cockney rudeboy accent. It’s dire. The best joke in the whole thing was just that. A joke:

    -Hey, how are you?
    -Not so great actually…my dad’s in casualty.
    -Oh no, what’s wrong with him?
    -Nothing, he’s just a shit actor.

    Combined that with a guest celebrity each week (last time it was ‘Matt DiAngelo’ – apparently out of some soap, totally idiotic and at times seemingly bewildered by people making jokes on a comedy programme) and a guest band to end the episode each week. Generally some shitty Arctic Monkeys-style repetitive tripe.

  6. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Combine*

  7. Swineshead Says:

    Alright, I admit I watched ten minutes of The Wall. I switched off when Chung said to that Rhys man (who’s usually very funny – and I don’t mind Chung despite her obviously shit agent) ‘I’ve found a picture of your Dad, and it cut to a picture of a chimp in a sportscar. Comedy genius or shite a five year old could write – you decides!

  8. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Not exactly a trying question is it?

  9. Swineshead Says:

    No. No, it’s not.
    BBC3 are pushing this internet TV thing, aren’t they? Like pushing a stubborn turd up a steep gradient. A hopeless enterprise, and you get all covered in shit.

  10. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Bobby’s that film set in the Ambassador Hotel in Los Angeles on the day that Bobby Kennedy was assassinated. One o’ them ensemble jobs telling loads of different tales on the lead-up to the fateful moment. It’s actually really good, despite being written and directed by Emilio Estevez.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    Why would you knock Estevez? He’s in loads of brilliant / good / not bad films including (in order of declining quality):

    Repo Man
    Breakfast Club
    Young Guns
    Young Guns 2
    Men at Work
    National Lampoons Loaded Weapon

  12. piqued Says:

    The Wall, I nearly kicked the TV off out the window, it’s utter utter utter fucking shit, I couldn’t believe it, sort of thing iTV had on at 3am in the fucking eighties. I lasted 2 mins with my chin hovering over the carpet like hairy stag beetle

    Btw, hardly heard of, let alone seen, any of the nominees/shows apart from Burp and Peep Show

    Book anyone?

    *flings book*

    *poos*

  13. Swineshead Says:

    You liar.

    You’ve heard of Holby, Eastenders, Emmerdale, The Street, Ramsay, Heston, Fonejacker, Russell Brand, Nevermind the Buzzcocks and Secret Life to name about half of the things you’ve definitely heard of.

  14. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Repo Man – Rubbish.
    Breakfast Club – One in a long line of woeful 80s teen films that were shit then and are shit now. Ditto Sixteen Candles, ditto Ferris Bueller, ditto Pretty In Pink, etc. etc. Allie Sheedy? Get fucked.
    Young Guns – Fuck off. Western-lite for the MTV generation. Watch The Unforgiven if you want to see how the big boys handle a Horse Opera. And if you want the story of Billy the Kid, watch Pat Garret and Billy the Kid – far better, except for Bob Dylan – though he’s not half as awful a screen presence as Lou Diamond Phillips was.
    Young Guns 2 – Christian Slater, Keifer Sutherland AND Balthazar Getty all in the same film? Does it get any better than that? Erm, yes.
    Men At Work – Haven’t seen it
    Loaded Weapon – Two good jokes

  15. Swineshead Says:

    Alright, most of those are rubbish (but good rubbish) but Repo Man is fucking ace and you’re an out of touch old shitbag.

  16. piqued Says:

    I’m talking about the new stuff

    (never heard of Fonejacker or Secret Life)

  17. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I didn’t like Repo Man when your brother forced me to watch it when I was 16. I was young then, and still didn’t like it. Mind you, what do I know? The only Estevez film I liked until I watched this Bobby thing was the one with the trucks. I can’t even remember what the hell that was called now. It had the Green Goblin on the front of a truck.

  18. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Cor you three and your intertwined lives ‘n’ that and here I am waltzing in and splashing my swill everywhere. What fun.

  19. piqued Says:

    I LIK ITS WEN EMILLO ESTIVES DANCES AFTER HE SMOCKED POT ON THE BREKFAST CLUB AN HE SHOWTS AND ALL THE GLARS BRAKES HAHAHAHAHAQHAWHJ;

  20. Swineshead Says:

    Green Goblin? That was Spiderman, you amnesiac fool. No Emilio in that.

    Piqued – you saw Secret Life, it was about a paedophile in a day centre. You wrote a review on it, you amnesiac tool.

    https://watchwithmothers.wordpress.com/2007/04/20/secret-life/

  21. piqued Says:

    Christ that was on ages ago, totally forgotten about… er, that

  22. piqued Says:

    I wrote that exactly a year and a day ago btw, I’m not Bamber Gascoigne

  23. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    “Green Goblin? That was Spiderman, you amnesiac fool. No Emilio in that.”

    I’m not ‘aving the likes of you call me a fool, you little bastard. I’ve just looked that film up and it was called ‘Maximum Overdrive’. It had a truck in it with the Green Goblin’s face on the front, and Estevez WAS in it. I think, sir, that you’ve shown yourself up to be the only fool around here.

    As well as Piqued, obviously. And that rat bastard Wagonwheel.

  24. Swineshead Says:

    Ah – Maximum Overdrive. Good film that. All the electric things come to life. Based on a Stephen King story. Very good – especially the bit with the electric carving knife.
    You amnesiac fool.

  25. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Don’t like it, do you? Proved you wrong there, did I. HA HA!

    I’m on to my thirteenth haircut of the week.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    I forgot the tiny detail of what Estevez had on his cab in a little known film in the 80s… it’s hardly a war crime. So fuck you.

  27. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Still tried correcting me when you was all wronged-up, didn’t you though? Ho ho! And I’d say that face on the front of the truck was the most memorable bit o’ the film. You just don’t like it, it’s as simple as that.

    And you’re fat.

  28. Swineshead Says:

    It had the Green Goblin on the front of a truck.

    You have to admit, the first thing you’d think of is Spiderman. You doddering old snaggletoothed twat.

  29. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I wouldn’t. I’d think ‘the green goblin isn’t on the front of a truck in any of the Spiderman films, it must have been in a film from the 80s called Maximum Overdrive that I haven’t seen but which starred Emilio Estevez.’

  30. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Not if someone said:

    “What was the name of the Emilio Estevez film that featured a truck with the face of the Green Goblin on the front of it?”

    That’d spark me off hunting the ol’ memory banks for Maximum Overdrive, see?

    You bloated, drunken failure.

  31. Swineshead Says:

    JQW’d say anything to get in BPP’s good books, which is testament to the fact he hasn’t met the grumpy old bastard. Maybe he thinks he might get a job working for him once he’s finished his bloody degree. Fat chance.

    Oh Christ. I’m fighting with two of you now.

    *runs off*

  32. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I’m his facebook friend, that’s totally the same thing, eh mate? *thumbs up*
    But once I’ve wrung him dry of witticisms I shall simply move on, perhaps into a job won on nepotism or sexual favours.

  33. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Failure’?

    There’s nowt wrong with failing, Perry. ‘Fight, fuck, fail’ – that’s to be my epitath. Fail and fail again. It’s what life’s all about.

  34. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    And my laptop’s getting soaked here in the shower. AND it’s all your fault, SH.

  35. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    You’re not my bloody friend, Wagonwheel. I haven’t got any friends (I refer you back to SH’s meeting me in person comment). You’re simply a runt hanging off my magnificent coat-tails. I plan on beating you up when I move to that rat-infested shithole you all live in.

  36. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    You won’t because I’ll call my daddy and he’s big in the city and he’ll tell the police and they’ll arrest you.

  37. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Anyway, I must shower and smartly attire myself, before stepping out on my nightly prowl for tender meats, sweet liquor and the supple thighs of a fine woman.

  38. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    They don’t call me the Libertine for nothing.*

    *It’s because I can’t sing.

  39. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    ‘Ark at Casanova there. In other words, John’s off to buy some cheap booze and a bag of chips, before spending the rest of the night ogling at women that wouldn’t touch him with a barge-pole. Not a bad night, thinking about it.

  40. Paul Groves Says:

    I like Gavin & Stacey.
    Is it coz I is Welsh?

  41. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve not seen it, Grovesy. I’m a quarter Welsh. So maybe I’m just about qualified to like it. But I’ve not seen it, and can’t be arsed to see it.

  42. Paul Groves Says:

    Tidy, like.

  43. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I found it a bit boring, to be honest. I prefer it when a man dressed as a Nazi pours a bucket of shit on an old bald man, then runs after some flabby-titted birds in bikinis.

  44. Paul Groves Says:

    NC: Is that something to do with that bloke from F1?

  45. Swineshead Says:

    I just made the mistake of looking at WordPress top blogs… what the fuck is this all about? I commented then fucked off.

    http://parsnipsaplenty.wordpress.com/2008/04/20/the-final-word-on-grilled-cheese/#comment-106

  46. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Oswald’s boy? Not really, Paul. I was thinking more along the lines of Sir Benworth of Hillshire.

  47. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Your comment doesn’t appear to be there.

  48. Paul Groves Says:

    NC: That’s OK then. I hate F1, but feel a certain affinity to Mr Hill.

  49. Swineshead Says:

    It’s awaiting moderation, apparently.

    Did you notice it’s a ‘grilled sandwich’ which involves no grilling whatsoever?

    Weird. I bet they’re American.

  50. Swineshead Says:

    What I said:

    That’s ridiculous.

    Interesting that you call it ‘grilled’ when you’ve not used a grill at any point. I think what you’ve actually made is a particularly unhealthy (and unappetising) fried bread and melted cheese vomitlet. Enjoy.

  51. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    My comment went straight up, as far as I’m aware.

  52. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Oh, no it didn’t. So you won’t be seeing wot I wrote, which was:

    I reckon that would be better with the addition of:

    Bacon
    Steak
    Chicken
    Pork chops
    Veal
    Some spuds
    Booze
    Maybe some LSD, man

  53. Swineshead Says:

    It ain’t there mate. Not yet.

  54. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    It never will be. Vegetarians are not noted for their sense of humour (see: Hitler, A).

  55. Swineshead Says:

    Is she a veggie?
    Shouldn’t be on the cheese then, eh?
    What with all that stomach lining business. Rennet…

  56. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Have you seen Wagonwheel’s Piqued parody? Not bad, considering he’s an arse.

  57. Swineshead Says:

    What’s his blogs url again?
    He’s not linked to it properly anywhere so I’ve not checked it out.

  58. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    In all honesty, I just assumed she was a vegetarian. There’s a distinct lack of animal in her recipes. I don’t trust vegetarians, and I never will.

  59. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    http://ofsomedescription.wordpress.com/

  60. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Could be veggie cheese. Or just a dipshit who grills in a pan.

    P.S. I’ll destroy those photos of you pushing the paraplegic in front of a bus then shall I, NC?

  61. Swineshead Says:

    Arf. Quite flattering, really.

  62. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    John – And the one of me punching that 85 year old woman, if possible.

  63. parsnipsaplenty Says:

    I am indeed American, and vegetarian, and I have a sense of humor but no tolerance for rudeness.

  64. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Ooooh burned.

  65. Swineshead Says:

    The only one who was rude was JQW – ‘dipshit’ indeed…

  66. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    You called her food a vomitlet. Yes, you. That’s right. And dipshit isn’t an insult. It’s German for ‘vegetarian yet hip’.

  67. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    AND she deleted your comment, SH. You should be annoyed.

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