One Minute Review – New Dyson Advert


Dyson's BallCrap vac

“Hello, I’m James Dyson.

I made a big deal out of the fact my overpriced vacuum cleaners were made here in Britain, got loads of praise for supporting the home team, got myself a knighthood, then made 800 workers redundant when I greedily shifted my manufacturing operation to the Far East.

“Even though I’ve already charged you vast sums of money for one of my old vacuums, I’ve now had the revelation that they were all shit because they don’t pivot around on a ball, like the new one I came up with in 2005 does. I even say in my new advert that there was a problem with the way all old vacuums moved around – that, therefore, includes my old cleaners.

“But you can swivel if you think I’m offering you a refund for selling you a shit vacuum last time. And you’ll not get an apology, neither.

“I’m James Dyson. Buy one of my new vacuum cleaners, and ignore the fact I’ve admitted I sold you a bum deal last time around.”

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72 Responses to “One Minute Review – New Dyson Advert”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    Are you upset about this because you own an old Dyson?

  2. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I used to own an old Dyson. Now I just have really dirty carpets.

    What gets me about this awful ad is what I’ll call ‘The Aerial Principle’. Dyson made a lot out of the fact their vacuums were beyond super-duper. Everyone believed him, and he made a fortune. Now he’s on telly telling us his vacuum was, in effect, rubbish. Does that mean I get a refund, then?

    Aerial does this shit every six months – Actually, that washing powder we told you made your whites so white you’ll go blind looking at ’em was a load of rubbish. THIS one, however, will make your whites so white you’ll go blah blah blah.

    I know ads are there to lie to you, but most have at least the decency not to point out the previous version of a product you bought was a big pile of crap.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    Apple are guilty of it, currently. But with pricing rather than updates. The don of updating software packaging is Billy Boy Gates and his Adobe updates.

    They’re all money-grabbing swine.

  4. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Ah, but Apple have pulled off the unique trick of hoodwinking folk into thinking they’re nice and Microsoft are evil. I’ve never bought into the ‘evil corporation’ thing, but I do think it’s a bit much for a company that exists solely to make themselves and their shareholders richer than Ozymandias make out their somehow on our side. A brief glance at the technology on offer from Apple shows it’s second-rate, or at best exactly the same as their competitors’ products. But hey, you ain’t buying just a product, man, you’re buying a slice of the Apple lifestyle. At twice the price.

  5. Roszs Says:

    And they don’t even have right mouse buttons.

  6. TheDeeZone Says:

    Sounds like typical advertising lies I mean lines.

  7. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    They don’t need right mouse buttons. You’re not usually called on to throw a grenade on an Apple. They’re for ‘Fun stuff’, remember? Fun stuff like InDesign and Adobe Illustrator.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    It’s easy enough to get by without a right mouse button. I didn’t mention it to get into the Mac vs PC thing. That’s what they want. THAT’S WHAT THEY WANT.

    We deserve better than both.

    I done a new post. Up in a bit.

  9. badgermadge Says:

    Mine has a right mouse button…

  10. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I quite like having a right mouse button. I find it quite useful. Didn’t they come out with those ridiculous iMac things? The ones that looked like they were made from boiled sweets? I assume they’ve changed ’em now.

  11. Roszs Says:

    I was playing facebook scrabulous on a friends mac the other day (COS THAT IS HOW GLAMOUROUS MY LIFE IS YEAH?) and the only way to get the numbered board is to right click and select ‘numbered board’.

    But there was no right mouse button.

    I was sickened to my very core.

  12. Roszs Says:

    And had to guess which ones were double letters and which were triple.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    The ‘alt’ key tends to come in handy in that situation, Roszs. You buffoon.

  14. piqued Says:

    I vacuumed the ‘p’ key off my PC last week

    Beat that

  15. Roszs Says:

    badgermadge: are you sure its a mac? They don’t have right mouse buttons.

  16. Roszs Says:

    SH – it should be called ‘right mouse button key’ then, so that people know.

    iqued – see what I did there?

  17. piqued Says:

    I did, and I thank you for it


  18. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Piqued – Your anecdote about vacuuming up the ‘P’ key was shit. You play a blinder with an old woman hockling up a turd, then follow through with a third-rate hoovering accident story. I reckon you’re losing your edge.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Where’s the old lady/turd story, I could do with a wa….


  20. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    It was a while ago. I’m like an elephant, me. I never forget, and I produce a vast quantity of dung.

  21. Kel Says:

    OK, so there’s no right click. But all you have to do is hold down the ctrl key [not the alt button] and then use the mouse as normal. I mean how difficult is that, really? AND my 15″ Powerbook is a thing of beauty, it really is y’know… I’ve never owned a Dyson, though.

  22. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    “My 15″ Powerbook is a thing of beauty” No, it’s just a thing. The Sistene Chapel is a thing of beauty, a mass-manufactured machine just isn’t.

    And I’d dispute the ‘Power’ part of that dreadful newspeak word. Most £350 PC laptops are packing more heat under the bonnet than one of your overpriced Apples. But hey, it’s a lifestyle choice, yeah? The fact you’re paying three times as much for a product that’s woefully underpowered is neither here nor there.

    If we had to save for these sort of things, like in the old days, Apple would go bust.

  23. Roszs Says:

    NC – I’ve seen her powerbook. It’s alright, sort of silvery grey with a screen and some buttons. But missing one very important button.*

    *the right mouse button.

  24. Roszs Says:

    K: “But all you have to do is hold down the ctrl key [not the alt button] and then use the mouse as normal. I mean how difficult is that, really?”

    It’s not as easy as just clicking the right mouse button with your middle finger though, is it.

  25. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Ctrl’ – sorry Kel.

    Anyway, I didn’t really want to get involved in the most boring debate in the world (the PC vs Mac one – the one they want you to have with each other so you’ll take sides and be ‘brand loyal’, you blind, insufferable idiots).

  26. piqued Says:

    NC, it wasn’t an ‘anecdote’ it was a statement of fact that gorgeously combined the two topics in hand…

    If you were to post about old ladies and the chat turned to poo it’s be a good time for me to insert my classic tale of watching some old dear leaning forward and barfing up a bonafide cack minutes before she slipped into unconsciousness and died with Guiness Book of Record breaking bad breath shortly after.

  27. Swineshead Says:

    Roszs, for a chimp like you I imagine even holding a mouse is a challenge.

  28. Roszs Says:

    tvesvgvxcbsjb xfd\


  29. Roszs Says:

    Can we slag off Mitchell and Webb for doing that fucking advert now please?

  30. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    So you’ve seen TWO old women hockling up turds? Your hoovering ‘P’ keys off a keyboard story is getting worse, frankly.

    The brand loyal thing is wrong, Swineshead. Apple fanatics are brand loyal, PC owners aren’t. The equivalent would be someone who is slavishly devoted to Hewlett Packard. PC owners, myself included, own machines made by hundreds of differnet companies, and often cobble ’em together themselves. It’s a misnomer to lump us in with the crowd that’s swallowed Apple’s bullshit hook. line ‘n’ sinker. Indeed, if Apple made a tool that helped me do my job better, was at the best price, and was competitively upgradeable, I’d buy one tomorrow. I’m not loyal to Dell or HP or IBM, I just want something that’s best for the job.

    They’re just tools, like washing machines – there’s no fucking loyalty towards a brand as far as my washing machine’s concerned, and neither is there one where my trumped-up typewriter’s concerned either. I leave that to chumps who spend over the odds for sleek white rectangles with pieces of fruit on the front. Best price/performance wins – that’s all.

  31. Roszs Says:

    I do like some stuff about macs. I like the way the little icons bounce up and down in the icon bar. And I like that when you put a password in it comes up as little stars. I really don’t like, and I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, the lack of a right mouse button.

    NC – Bosch every time for washing machines. Fantastic choice of spin speeds.

  32. Swineshead Says:

    True enough, NC, Apple are the aggressive ones there. But their aggression in branding is only as irritating as Microsoft’s constant upgrading of expensive software with versions that are almost exactly the same…

    Anyway, I have a Mac but I’m certainly not a slave to their cause. I find multiple aspects to their stuff annoying. Same with PC. It’s just preferable to a PC for me, personally, without wanting to slag off anyone else’s preferences.

    Roszs – can’t blame M&W for taking the money and running. You would, wouldn’t you? Piss all work for a shitload of cash. Sounds like a dream to me. Bill Hicks corpse can get itself fucked, there’s money to be made in that there marketing.

  33. Roszs Says:

    SH – why are you being so reasonable today? Are you on your period or something?

  34. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I don’t even know who makes mine, Roszs. I vaguely recall being told we needed one, and I distinctly remember my money disappearing so it could be purchased. That was about as much interest as I ever took in the subject. I suppose I could look to see what it is, but I can’t be arsed.

  35. Roszs Says:

    I spent about two days on the Which? website looking at washing machines a few months ago. I got a bit obsessed.

  36. piqued Says:

    I’m eating wine gums I FEAL PISED

  37. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    AEG make the best ones actually. But they cost.

  38. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    We all need a hobby, Roszs. Mine’s comparing the prices of Eastern European escort girls for a website I’m setting up called

  39. Roszs Says:

    piqued – have a cider lolly chaser.

  40. Roszs Says:

    jqw – why do you know about high-spec washing machines? You’re 18 aren’t you?

    *narrows eyes*

  41. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    NC – that should fill up the free time gained by not responding to actually rather friendly comments on your illustration blog.

  42. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    My parents are both washing machine makers*, man and boy, woman and girl. I’ve got washing machines in my blood. They give it a clean, vibratey quality.

    *Not really.

  43. Swineshead Says:

    A reasonable man looks at the world and sees how he might fit in with it.
    An unreasonable man looks at the world and sees how it might fit with him.
    The world is formed by unreasonable men.

    George Bernard Shaw said that. I heard it on Russell Brand. I am very cultured.

  44. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    George Bernard Shaw was a massive twat.

  45. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    The world may well be formed by unreasonable men, but that’s only because the reasonable ones – or ‘the weak’, as I prefer to call ’em – are too busy farting about being reasonable. I think it’s been established beyond a shadow of a doubt by better men than I (Hitler, Stalin, the thoroughly unpleasant King Herod, God, etc.) that THE WEAK SHOULD BE CRUSHED.

  46. Roszs Says:

    He did write all the musical numbers for My Fair Lady though, which I later turned into a rather more serious work.

  47. Roszs Says:

    NC – I think god said that the meek shall inherit the earth.

  48. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    That’s right, hide behind your mythical character.

  49. Roszs Says:

    *hides behind thor*

  50. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    *Uses superpowers*

    *nothing happens*


    Well I’m going to have my weekly shower and then walk to Goodge street in search of fine wines and victuals for later.

  51. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Roszs – I prefer the blood ‘n’ thunder God of the Old Testament, not that wishy-washy hippy in the later chapters. I don’t believe in the bugger anyway (cheers, The Enlightenment!), but if I did, I’d want to be scared shitless of Him, not think He’s my buddy.

  52. Swineshead Says:

    I’d make friends with his enemy as he has all the best tunes, see?

  53. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    The problem with the devil having all the best tunes is, yes, go to Hell and you get to listen to Hendrix, Black Sabbath, and Bowie. Problem is, I’ve a sneaking suspicion KISS, King Crimson, ELP, Crosby Stills ‘n’ Nash, and Yes will be down there too. I couldn’t be doing with that … actually, that’s the point of Hell isn’t it?


  54. piqued Says:

    What’s wrong with King Crimson you prol

  55. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I don’t like ’em. I think they’re flatulent prog nonsense of the worst sort. I wouldn’t want to spend eternity having to listen to ’em. You obviously would – that’s YOUR bag, baby, not mine.

  56. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve not even heard them. Once.

  57. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Late 60s, early 70s prog crap, Swineshead. Greg fucking Lake was in King Crimson – which should be enough to condemn them in itself.

  58. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    They’re still sadly on the go. This isn’t a good thing.

  59. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Shameless Plug By Someone Who Worked Out How To Do Links Good:

    Shoddy 5-Minute Parody Shocker

  60. Gilbert Wham Says:

    Back to the (shit) vacuum cleaner, the reason he’s put that fucking ball on it is so he’s using his other ghastly invention. Remember those fucking stupid wheelbarrows?

  61. Badger Madge Says:

    Yes. It’s a right mouse button on a Mac. Impossible to believe, I know, but it’s true. Although it *is* a Microsoft mouse plugged into a Mac (dirty!).

  62. gooseannoyer Says:

    Why is James Dyson talking like he’s on ‘Brief Encounter’?

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