EastEnders

by

GusSean

What on earth have the writers of EastEnders got against Gus and his elderly dog, Wellard? Over the last few weeks they have decided to hand him over to monstrous psychopath, Sean – a cartoon character that belongs in a low-grade horror movie. Why?

Gus, who regular viewers of ‘Enders know as a happy-go-lucky, poetic road sweeper has been prodded, poked, imprisoned, and now tortured by Sean. His dog, Wellard, has been threatened with a stick, yanked around the square in a way you just shouldn’t treat old dogs, and locked in a cupboard without food or water for what seemed like the best part of the day. This has bewildered me.

Have the writers been taking their cues from Hostel or the Saw movies? Who thought this horrible, uncomfortable, and downright nasty storyline was right for an early-evening family soap opera? “Things have got stale in the square,” someone says, “let’s torture Gus.”

In the twenty-odd years I’ve been watching this show, there have been plenty of dreadful and unpleasant storylines: Stella’s bullying of Ben that left you feeling dirty after watching it, the disasterous Ferera family of Asian stereotypes, Kevin being gut-punched by the engine block of a Ford Focus, Pat naked in bed with Frank, but Gus’s trip down the rabbithole of Sean’s one dimensional psychosis takes the biscuit.

This storyline is vile. It interrupts the flow of the show. It lands in peril two minor characters that you felt assured weren’t there to be put in peril. And certainly not by brutal shitbags like Sean – the most badly handled character the show has ever produced.

I don’t want to see Gus being tied up, beaten, bullied, and imprisoned. I feel cheated by the EastEnders writers. I was so angry with the treatment of Wellard, I wrote the BBC a letter. That’s right – a letter. Good, if ultimately useless characters like Gus aren’t there to be shown the instruments by bad and completely useless characters like Sean. They’re there to attend stag nights, fill out the numbers in the Vic, and drink the health of more important characters when they either marry, or die.

What next? Phil battering Keith and Ghenghis to death with a pool cue?

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82 Responses to “EastEnders”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    (sorry)

  2. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    S’alright.

  3. Clarry Says:

    I felt so strongly about this I cut and paste my remarks from an earlier posting regarding the above.

    “Yeah. I’ve been boycotting ‘Enders recently, which hurts me more than it hurts them as i’ve been a loyal fan since the beginning. HOWEVER, I turned on the telly last night and caught the last few moments of Sean crunching his knuckles whilst asking the tied-up-Gus to sit still whilst he administered some more pain. What? What’s happened, are the writers ill?”

  4. Swineshead Says:

    I missed last night’s. Perhaps this thread will serve us well tomorrow.

  5. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    You have to wonder. I’m not above the torturing, maiming, imprisonment, and murder of characters in soaps, as long as they are the right characters. Den, for example, deserved to have his head stoved in with an ornamental iron dog – it was a natural conclusion to his evil bastard storyline arc. Gus has no such arc. He is a man with a dog who drinks beer with the square’s other unecessary, yet necessary, characters. Having him bullied and tied up by Sean – a see-through Jack Nicholson in The Shining rip-off – is ridiculous, and takes your attention off the other idiotic stories going on. Why Gus? Did they stick all the minor characters’ names into a hat marked ‘Bit-Player That Needs Torturing For No Earthly Reason’? Can we look forward to the sudden garrotting of Minty now?

  6. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Cor you wait ages for a post and then three come at once.

  7. Swineshead Says:

    I caught up on the Eastenders backlog yesterday. And it was shit.

    Roxy and that thick Branning lug – revolting.
    Ian Beale and his daughter – couldn’t care less.
    Stephen Wickes and his gayness – please don’t start a whole new plot about false claims of gay harrassment. Please? Oh shit. You’ve already started.
    Augustus and Sean – for fuck’s sake.

    Are we expected to believe that Gus wouldn’t call the fucking police? What a load of old shit.

    And isn’t Deano (not ‘Dino’ as NC referred to him recently, by which I thought he meant the Flintstone’s dog) meant to be coming back and whooping Sean’s sorry hide with his brand new psycho fists? I’ve been counting on that happening for quite a while.

  8. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Dino may well be doing that.

    The show hasn’t had the faintest idea what to do with itself since Christmas. There’s too much emphasis on the children, too many pointless stories dragging on forever, and far too much stupidity. I was groaning when Stephen turned out to be gay, because EastEnders can’t handle gay stories in the same way it’s never got a handle on Asians or pub football team storylines. This WILL turn out badly.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    They can only really handle sexual tension within one family a la Stacey, Bradley and Max – or Roxy, Ronnie and that big lug Branning.

    Usually you have one central plot with others shooting about around it. The Max/Stacey plot was absorbing. This one isn’t.

    I might write a letter too.

  10. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    My letter concerned animal welfare, more than anything else.

    None of the plots are absorbing. They did the daughter running away with Frank and Diane, they did the young man suddenly discovering he’s gay with Simon ‘n’ Tony (and that was awful). Alright, so they’ve never done the imprisonment and torture of a genial road sweeper before, but then I wasn’t looking for that in the same way I don’t want to see Mickey being raped.

    I gather Gus is leaving, but that was no reason to give his character a contrived and violent send-off. Rubbish!

  11. Clarry Says:

    I missed it last night. What happened? Did Stacey save Gus or join in?

  12. Swineshead Says:

    Apparently the actor punched his girlfriend in real life, so they had to suspend / sack him.
    And the bloke who plays Sean apparently hassled a model by sending her texted images of his cock. Cripes!

    Last night Stacey saved Gus but then refused to help him report her idiot brother to the coppers.

  13. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    The actor playing Gus? Doesn’t sound like Gus.

    I can believe Sean sends pictures of his old fella to girls, mind. Dirty sod. Modern technology is messing around with telly too much.

    Last night’s show was, if anything, even worse than the night before’s. Gus has no emotional connection to Stacey (“We’re mates, right?” says she. “Erm … no,” he should have replied, then rang the police). It was ridiculous.

  14. Clarry Says:

    I’d heard about the-actor-who-plays-Gus being not so nice in real life, but didn’t realise that it was so bad that he was getting the chop. As for the-actor-that-plays-Sean texting pictures of his cock to a lady…. what do you expect? They’ll probably let them back eventually like Corrie did with Craig Charles after catching him reading porn and smoking crack in the back of a taxi.

    I’ve steadfastly avoided EE for ages and regret catching a glimpse of this episode as I feel certain I shall be drawn into it again.

  15. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Don’t bother, Clarry. I’ve been with this show through thick ‘n’ thin, yet I’m thinking of abandoning ship. I can put up with Ted Hills, Dot murdering Ethel, the risible Tricky Dicky, Andy the nurse getting run over, Alan being arrested, and the murder of Eddie Royal, but even I draw the line at cardboard psychos torturing road sweepers for no reason.

  16. Clarry Says:

    But I’ve always loved ‘Enders (like you NC i’ve watched it from the beginning and have forgiven them on numerous occasions) and it’s only recently that i’ve had to hand ’em some tough love. I don’t want to not watch it, but feel I have to register my concern over flimsy plot lines and poor script writing via the viewing figures. But my will is weak, and I know that i’ll watch it on Thursday.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    I gave it up for three years, once upon a time.

  18. Clarry Says:

    Three WHOLE years.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Yes. impressive eh?

  20. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Let me guess. When you were at university and had far better things to do than watch EastEnders?

  21. piqued Says:

    Hey, tell you what yeah, right, if you, like, HAD A LIFE, right, then you wouldn’t, like, NEED this, yeah

  22. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    As a saint, I’m not rising to that.

  23. piqued Says:

    Seriously though

    U R AL SAD : (

  24. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Grand Designs? Masterchef? Wild Gourmets? Watching Paint Dry Celebrity Special?

  25. piqued Says:

    The first 2 yes, if you recall I slagged off 3 on here and the last one I’ve not heard of

    *looks blank*

    Is it on ITV?

    *nothing expression*

  26. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    The last one sums up the first three. Not that I care what you watch. I have better things to do, such as composing a letter of support to Friends of the Earth – a charity I despised two days ago.

  27. piqued Says:

    I’ve not heard of the last one though, did you make it up?

    *continues to look blank*

    *scratches arm*

    *blinks*

  28. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Never watched it, never will.

  29. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Piqued – Yes, my son, I made it up. It was sarcasm unworthy of a great man such as myself.

    John – Yes you will. Your wife, when she comes along, will watch it. You will then have no choice but to watch it too.

  30. piqued Says:

    Really, you made it up. Oh right

    *looks blank still*

    I’m with you

    *blinks*

  31. Swineshead Says:

    John does watch it, and his hero is Ben Mitchell.

    He told me.

  32. Clarry Says:

    Is everyone feeling ok today?

  33. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’m feeling great, thanks for asking.

  34. piqued Says:

    Yes, I am well too Clarry

    I thank you for asking, but when I thank you, I mean it

    Unlike some

    *looks up*

  35. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Ah, my son, but I do believe it. Unlike you – a sinner – I have turned over a new leaf. I mean what I say, and say what I mean. You, on the other hand, have bought a one-way ticket to eternal torment with your falsehoods. You’re fucked, basically. Pardon my French. Not that there’s anything wrong with the French, etc.

    *finds it impossible to absolve Piqued of his sins*

  36. piqued Says:

    You can believe what you want, I was merely saying you didn’t mean it, that’s all

    (have you had a poo yet by the way, I’m just curious)

  37. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I have had a poo, yes. I don’t think you’d care for the description, my son.

  38. Clarry Says:

    Everyone is definitely in a strange mood today….

    Where’s SH? ‘Doing some work’?

  39. Swineshead Says:

    I am actually, and it’s a complete bastard of a piece of work.

  40. piqued Says:

    I wouldn’t mind the description to be frank

    Please

  41. Clarry Says:

    Yes please NC, we want details!

    Was it like Nutella?

  42. Clarry Says:

    SH – It’s a damned nuisance when pesky work gets in the way of the stuff that really counts, isn’t it?

  43. piqued Says:

    Yes, do hurry NC, I really can’t wait

  44. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I couldn’t, in all conscience, describe my morning curse in the presence of ladies.

  45. Clarry Says:

    Go on, you know you want to.

    *puts fingers in ears*

  46. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I fear I’m being tempted here.

    *resists temptation*

  47. Clarry Says:

    So did anyone watch embarrassing bodies/illnesses last night (about breasts)? Tonight’s installment is about fannies and I think tomorrow night is for me as it’s about willies.

  48. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    You should watch something more life-affirming, Clarry. I watched an unbelievably dull but worthy programme about the Taj Mahal last night. Tonight I’m watching one of those Inside The Medieval Mind shows they’ve been running on BBC4. It’s about sex, so I’ll be switching it off and flagellating myself almost immediately.

  49. Swineshead Says:

    I’ll be watching the football while V+ing the fucking Apprentice.

  50. Clarry Says:

    I was being sar-cars-tic. It was the most gut-churning programme ever committed to celluloid, and I fear the worst is yet to come in the willies episode. Well, if the willy bit on monday’s prog was anything to go by….

    *cleanses eyes with bleach*

  51. Clarry Says:

    Oh God it’s the fucking Apprentice tonight, isn’t it? I’m going to watch it, but I know i’ll hate it….

    SH, does that mean we’re not allowed to talk about the fucking Apprentice until the day after tomorrow when you’ve watched it?

  52. Swineshead Says:

    I’ll watch it immediately after the football…
    In fact, I might not even bother with the football as it made me sick watching Man U win last night and I’m bound to get the same feeling no matter who wins tonight.

  53. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Now you have a V+, can’t you record several Man U games, watch one up to the point where they are about to score, then switch to another where they get trounced? Papers will supply the exact minute when they score, so you can easily avoid ’em ever scoring anything ever again.

  54. Swineshead Says:

    I could do that but I can’t be arsed.

    I hate Man U.

  55. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Well I won’t bloody bother offering a solution next time.

  56. Swineshead Says:

    Hang on – that was a bit rude. A bit unchristian.

    Are you reverting to type?

  57. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Sorry about that. This being good business is a road to Hell paved with good intentions, etc.

  58. Clarry Says:

    I don’t know if I can bear to watch the football tonight. I’m a sore loser at the best of times, but will cry if Chelsea win.

  59. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Clarry – You don’t need to pretend to like football here.

  60. Swineshead Says:

    I’ll smash something when either of ’em wins.

    Because Liverpool are lucky bastards to be there after all that penalty business.

    And Chelsea are just bastards.

  61. Clarry Says:

    Watch what you say about the mighty reds mister….

  62. Swineshead Says:

    The reds? Their fans you mean?

    They’re a sentimental bunch of moustachioed fools who can’t speak the Queen’s English properly, la.

    I don’t think that stereotype has gone out of date.

  63. Clarry Says:

    NC – I’m not pretending to like football. I like all sorts me.

  64. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    “Watch what you say about the mighty reds mister….”

    Why? Will your shares in Liverpool go down if they lose? Or do you own the team, outright? Maybe you play for them? Why so defensive? I doubt they’d rush to your defence if you were being insulted. Spurs have never jumped to mine, so insult the ungrateful buggers all you want.

  65. Clarry Says:

    Oh dear, sorry I spoke boys. I’ll keep a lid on it in future.

  66. Badger Madge Says:

    Haven’t watched a full ep of Enders (or telly for that matter) in a while thanks to my New Single Life(TM) but caught a snippet on Monday. It’s dire isn’t it? I agree that they’re misusing the Sean actor terribly. And Gus can’t act for shit, so why he’s suddenly all over Enders is beyond me. I don’t care about Calire/Bradders/Stacey any more or Stephen and his gayness. I don’t actually really care about any of them…

    Blimey…

    *heart breaks*

  67. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’d care slightly more if they did something with the decent characters they’ve got. The Phil/Jack feud could have gone somewhere, yet didn’t, and I’m sure they could have done something with Ricky ‘n’ Bianca instead of just immediately turning them into background characters. And Shirley’s tits could have fallen off too.

    Welcome back, Badger, by the way.

  68. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Not that Ricky ‘n’ Bianca are decent characters, mind.

  69. Swineshead Says:

    They should be using that Darren character more. He’s got some substance and isn’t just a background Mickey.

  70. Napoleon Says:

    I’d agree with that one. There aren’t enough wheeler-dealer types. I’m not sure Bobby Davro’s going to fill the role too well. Surely the Alfie Moon bloke is now bankrupt enough to go back in?

  71. Badger Madge Says:

    Why thank you! I’ve been hovvering… Poised to comment when the time was right.

    Yes gawd, I’d pushed Bianca to the back of my mind. Her and her tribe of festering chav fools. *shudders* Still *wicked glint* at least Hollyoaks is still good.
    *awaits outrage from NC*

  72. Napoleon Says:

    You’ll get no outrage from me, Badger. I am a changed man.

    I don’t watch Hollyoaks, but I’m sure it has its moments.

  73. Badger Madge Says:

    Compared to Enders it’s drama a-plenty. Plus you know. There’s lots of cleavage in it and that.

  74. Napoleon Says:

    That’s never a bad thing.

    *furiously whips back with thorn branch*

  75. extremelisteningmode Says:

    As a white, working-class male, I was always under the impression Eastenders wasn’t really geared towards me. Though this Phil/Pool-cue thing you speak of could tempt me.

    What Eastenders needs – absolutely – is an alien character who only Peggy can see. Think of the hilarity!

  76. Napoleon Says:

    I note you know who Peggy is. Not your thing, eh? CONFESS! CONFESS!

  77. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    What’s this V+ nonsense then eh? At home we’ve just got a freeview box with double receivers so you can record to the 160gb hard drive inside as you watch something else. Or record on both and watch terrestrial.

  78. Napoleon Says:

    V+ allows you to watch one digital channel, whilst recording a further two. You can also pause and rewind live TV. I’m not sure, but I think Sky does something similar.

  79. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Sounds a bit space-age for me.

    *replaces valve on the wireless*

  80. Napoleon Says:

    It IS space-age. It’s from the future.

    Where’s the Apprentice review? Eh?

  81. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Peggy is a national treasure! (Defined by the Collins Dictionary as ‘annoying old caant who the BBC inflict on us and don’t have the balls to sack. See Also Forsyth, Bruce.’)

  82. Napoleon Says:

    So you do watch it, then?

    Where’s The Apprentice? Where is it?

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