The Apprentice 2008 – Ep. 8


When that Alan Sugar character lets rip in his opening spiel, he tells the assembled morons ‘this is the job interview from HELL’. Clearly this is untrue. He’s indulging in hyperbole in order to talk up the gruelling series of tasks and the humiliation that approaches. Interestingly, he follows up with ‘your prize will be working with me’. Logically then, Alan Sugar is Satan.

Raef, answers the phone with his clockwork orange eyelashes and immaculate in his bedroom attire, only a few stray cockerel hairs on the back of his sweep betraying his shut-eye. St Barts church is the destination for the debrief, and they’re to pack an overnight bag.

In a between-scene vox-pop, Claire states that she’s building momentum, whilst Helene spits that, not only would she never mix with the housemates in real life, if she was working with them, she’d fire them. Therein she makes the assumption that she would be their boss rather than the other way round. It’s what makes Helene the most annoying of the flotsam that’s left. A superiority complex the size of Cornwall, all mixed up with a pathological lack of patience and a withering gaze that comes at you from three angles.

‘This church was used in Four Weddings and a Funeral’ says Beelzebub, as the remaining soldiers look about them, cooing and wondering why His Evil Highness hasn’t burnt up on contact with holy ground. The audience shrugs at the Four Weddings revelation. That film’s about 20 years old. Alex looks nervously at Claire, the memory of their boyfriend / girlfriend role play still firmly wedged in his brain and any thought of churches, weddings and marriage causing visible discomfort.

The teams were split again, with Helene as team leader taking Sara, Alex and Michael under her vulture-wing whilst Lucinda took the reins again, despite winning the ice cream task recently. She got LEE, Claire and Raef. A winning set up if ever there was one. It was clear from the off which team was headed for an almighty fall.

Michael’s vox pop followed and he noted his own effortless charm. If you’re aware you’re doing it, Sophocles, then it’s not fucking effortless, is it? Let’s dive in and look at Michael’s efforts this week. This week’s was the Sophocles show, so it’s only fair we focus on the hairy little twat.

When looking at prize-winning dresses by Ian Stewart, he brown-nosed the designer until he barely had a tongue left, then decried his work as ‘ghastly’. When describing it on the phone to Helene he had an ‘I can take it or leave it’ attitude to it, even though, when it was revealed that these high end dresses would win the task, Michael lied that he’d pushed for them. The squirming squirt. All he’d actually done was described them as ‘dresses like the ones in Beauty and the Beast’ and used the grammatical clanger ‘very unique’. Either it is, or it isn’t unique. Piss off with your very unique and effortless charm.

In the event, they let those dresses get away from them and Lucinda’s team secured the winning items. At a few thousand per dress, it always looked like Raef’s ‘high-risk’ strategy would work.

Helene’s team settled on some unbelievably tacky frocks, in every garish colour of the Essex wedding rainbow – as worn, according to the salesgirl, by your Katie Prices and your Jodie Marshes… a great sell, if half your brain has degenerated.

As every bad decision was made, including choosing to sell cakes that looked like shrubs, Alex silently sat and twiddled his pen with increasing frenzy. When he sold, he did very well, but it’s becoming clear that selling is all he can do. He’ll have to lead a team in the next couple of weeks, so if he gets beyond the lip-pursing whining, he may show some initiative beyond winking at girls in order to hoodwink them out of their pocket money.

Raef’s attitude to selling cake to girls was the only real stand-out laugh in the show. Discussing dresses for the larger, BBW side of the market, he declared that if they were going to sell big dresses, they’d be able to flog the cake too – as the larger-dress consumers are just that – big consumers.

Beyond that, this wasn’t the greatest Apprentice ever but there were a few cringe-moments that rescued it. All of these were supplied by Sophocles and Sara. Poor old Sara… the one-trick-pony beneath her lovely frock was exposed and the poor little mite got booted out. I’ll miss her. For a day or two. And then she’ll be gone from my brain.

Michael’s selling technique, branded ‘telesales’ by Alex, was actually quite terrifying and involved recrimination, accusation, holding his head in his hands with outright impatience and even, at one point, a cry of ‘FOR GOD’S SAKE’ when a lady quite rightly stalled on a purchase of his crap confections. He was absolutely terrible. With the expression of his doppelganger all over his face, this Costanzaesque idiot even resorted to calling the general public ‘dumb-dumbs’. Dumb-dumbs who just ‘don’t want to make decisions’. A laughable attitude, really, and just the sort of thing Jerry Seinfeld’s little mate might say to a laughter track.

Sara was similarly bad, but where Michael was passionately engaged to the point of almost openly weeping at his punters, Sara had her cold thousand-yard-stare focused on the great, empty, nothingness of existence behind the heads of her potential clients. She literally didn’t listen to what her punters said and that caused her ejection. But Michael should’ve gone. Because he’s 810% uglier than her.

Over on the winning team, Lee and Lucinda apparently fell in love as they cruised about looking at sale items. The princess and the pauper, as Raef might put it, the bit of rough has definitely wooed the beret girl and a posh nosh-off is on the cards. Especially considering that Lee is now an expert on selling thongs, as he proudly boasted to Satan himself in the boardroom. The fact he was selling £6.99 trinkets to Brummie slags compared to Claire’s thousand quid dresses was lost on the poor brute. But at least he sold something.

So Lucinda won and Claire did her PR machine a power of good with a recommendation from Maggie Mountford, who herself, it was insinuated, had a lovely honeymoon thong encased within her buttcrack, purchased from Lee McAnn McSummers McQueen.

For no reason whatsoever, Raef put on a teddy bear outfit at some point, apparently to drum up interest but mainly because this was a drab episode and it needed someone to be a berk for three minutes to lighten the tedium.

Before they faced Belial’s wrath in Brentwood, Michael stated that he’d be interested to find out how Helene was going to spin her way out of trouble. Which was interesting, as he’d already started the process of spinning her into trouble… 

In the boardroom Sara went with little ceremony, and Alex got the piss taken out of him. Like Syed before him, the favoured Michael will probably get to the final as Lucifer likes him and he makes good TV. But no way will he win.

Incidentally – why do the winners get so excited about the substandard treats they receive? It’s like Big Brother… OOH! We’ve got a task!

They should scrap that. It stops it being the interview from hell and turns it into the interview from a not particularly exciting corporate promotions company. But we did get to see Lee indulging in primal scream mantra therapy, like a bellowing Chelsea headhunter in a yoga retreat.

It’s the make-a-TV-ad episode next week. Be afraid.

Episode 1
Episode 2

Episode 3
Episode 4

Episode 5
Episode 6
Episode 7

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61 Responses to “The Apprentice 2008 – Ep. 8”

  1. Mikey Says:

    I reckon the ever improving and maybe the “class of the field” Lucinda will get to the final. Raef has had an easy run so far, wonder how he will do under real pressure? LEE is going OK but might trip up along the way. Alex is taking an unusual course, Claire and Helene one of them will fall soon, and Sophocles has unseated his rider at least once and a stewards enquiry is in the offing.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Sophocles’ll end up a DNF like a mangey dog on a shitty track. MARK MY WORDS.

  3. Napoleon Says:

    My favourite bit was that little runt Michael bellowing, ‘THIS IS YOUR BLOODY WEDDING!’ at a terrified mum/daughter combo. How is that little shitbag still in this competition? I was fooled after Sara got the boot, because that music was building up again, and I thought he’d finally get his comeuppance. Fat chance. Sugar’s an arse.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    He is an arse. I agree that Sugar is an arse.

    I was on Delay TV – 6 minutes behind – and a friend decided to text ‘Oh wow! Your girl’s gone!’ before I knew who’d got fired.

    I was livid. V+ must be used with caution.

  5. Napoleon Says:

    Or don’t read text messages the second they arrive.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    What if it’s one of those spam ones advertising porn?

  7. Napoleon Says:

    It’s been a while since I’ve owned a mobile. I don’t recall getting messages advertising porn. Technology gallops along at a cracking pace nowadays, eh?

  8. Swineshead Says:

    I get em quite often. My name must be on a big list of mug’s telephone numbers.

    So – goodbye Sara. She seemed almost human on You’re Fired.

  9. Who Says:

    Why do we never see Alex Wobblespoon making a tit of himself? Or saying I AM the BEST in the WORLD. Or slagging the others off. Or doing anything, really. I reckon he winned it. And they edited it to make him look good. I reckon. Yes.

  10. piqued Says:

    I didn’t see it

    What’s it about? Are there any car chases? I love car chases and anything with Stephen Segal (I seen all his films)

    Is Stephen Segal in it?

  11. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t know, I was rocking out to one song played by the Jam over and over again last night.

    *see Anon’s comment in The Metros thread for reference*

    Who – I’m not sure they’ve filmed the ending yet…

  12. Swineshead Says:

    Here’s the link to Anon’s incredible insight…

  13. Napoleon Says:

    Alex seems to have all-but disappeared from the show. Which is no bad thing.

    That one Jam song’s fucking great. Who needs any other songs, when you’ve got that one Jam song?

    No, Segal’s not in this one.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Typical. I post my blog on time this week and everyone goes quiet. Am I missing something?

  15. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I read that comedy classic last night. Pissed. Laud me.

  16. Swineshead Says:

    What? The anon quote?
    I read it last night, thought about replying and couldn’t be arsed as it was probably written by a 14 year old on a break from wanking his cock off to free online porns.

  17. piqued Says:

    Well Steven Stegal springs to mind, I really am a massive fan, I’ve seen all Stegalz filmms. he shuld be bond relly

    My name is bond, steven stegal-bonds!!


  18. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Yeah that one. Oh how I laughed. And then puked all boozes and crapped up the place.

  19. Napoleon Says:

    I was going to say something about Anon’s comment, but then became engrossed in the local news. So I didn’t bother.

    Piqued – You have never watched a Segal movie in your entire life, you fat liar.

  20. John Q Wagonwheel Says:


  21. Napoleon Says:

    I like the way he snaps necks and don’t takes no shits.

  22. John Q Wagonwheel Says:


  23. piqued Says:

    NC, I’ve not no.

    When is Big Brother on?

  24. Napoleon Says:

    Hopefully never.

  25. piqued Says:

    You’re only sore because you didn’t win in 2004

  26. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, I’m sure that’s the reason.

    Bit fucking quiet round these parts today, ain’t it? Eh?

  27. piqued Says:

    It is a bit, whilst there isn’t anyone about I was wondering if you wanted to go and see Iron Man, maybe get some dinner after?

  28. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Is a little quiet. And I’m buggering off to the Lebanese supermarket. Bye.

  29. Napoleon Says:

    Dirty sod.

  30. Swineshead Says:

    We’ve got no Clarry, Grovesy, Clarys or BM chipping in. Mikey and Who only piped up once and I’m working like a bastard.

    It’s just not on.

  31. piqued Says:

    So, is that a yes? I’ve been plucking up the courage to ask you out for ages!!

    I’m a little shy you see, but I’m kinda fun, if a bit kookie!!!

  32. Swineshead Says:

    Here’s how to get in touch with Alex, should anyone wish to:

  33. piqued Says:

    What a prick

  34. Badger Madge Says:

    yeah, but he’s pretty…

    i heard bb starts on 5th june which is odd as it’s a thursday…

  35. Badger Madge Says:

    jesus have you read his “weekly blogs”

    there really isn’t anything inside that mind, is there.

    still… he’s pretty…

  36. Clarry Says:

    Afternoon chaps…

    SH – You failed to mention the comedy value of LEE MCQUEEN last night. His face was a delight when recounting the ways in which he cleverly tricked ladies into buying ‘fongs’ by guessing their size much lower than he thought it was. ‘Fongs’ indeed…. He was in some kinda glittery panties (HATE that word) heaven.

    P.S I put a flea in Anon’s ear.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    Clarry – that’s because I don’t find Lee funny. He’s just a turd.

    PS – I hear you have plenty of fleas to round AHAHAHA I AM A FUNNY

  38. extremelisteningmode Says:

    I was unavoidably unable to watch the Apprentice last night, knew I’d see in the paper who’d gone, so simply read this to catch up. Some weeks Swineshead it’s more entertaining than the show! Keep up the good work sir!

  39. Swineshead Says:

    Thanks ELM, you really are a brick.

  40. Swineshead Says:

    This lady Namaste just linked to our piece on Blood Sweat and T Shirts…

    I like Namaste.

  41. Swineshead Says:

  42. Clarry Says:

    SH – I really hate LEE too, however, it was him that I found myself laughing at (not with) continually through episode 8. Catalogue man Raef is still my hero, and I am warming to Lucinda, despite her penchant for sporrans, capes and ‘kooky’ fashions.

    P.S I don’t have fleas, I found one on my desk wot jumped out of my computer off of your site. That was the flea I put in Anon’s ear, not one I dunned picked out my bum.

  43. Napoleon Says:

    LEE MCQUEEN will win this, you mark my words.

    Unless he doesn’t win this … then don’t mark my words.

  44. Mikey Says:

    LEE MCQUEEN will not win.
    It’s between Lucinda and Raef and perhaps Alex…though I think the existence of his website suggests he did not win.

  45. Clarry Says:

    P.S If Sophocles gets in the final, then I will never watch it again. Regretfully, I believe Claire, Lucinda and Lee or Sophocles will be in the final. There’s no way that Claire and slimeball Sophocles would still be in this unless AS had a soft spot for them, so presumably he sees some potential in these dimwits and they will remain as contenders.

  46. Napoleon Says:

    I said I’d never watch it again after Simon was fired. I stuck to my guns for a week, then started watching it again. You’re lying, Clarry. You WILL watch it again … and again and again.

  47. Badger Madge Says:

    They’re all shite this year. Utterly gormless losers. Not one is a patch on The Badger (not biased honest)

  48. Swineshead Says:

    Come off it BM!

    Badger was a right royal pain in the arse…

    Yes, she’d have done the job and done it well – but she’d also have pissed off everyone in the office with her relentless self belief and tendency to get trapped in toilet cubicles.

  49. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Isn’t ‘Namaste’ in fact NEPALI for ‘hello’? tut tut.

  50. Swineshead Says:

    Oh. Maybe.

    I am thick.

    But at least I’m not JQW, owner of the most unread blog in internet history.

  51. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Heyhey, I just never update it and can’t be bothered to publicise it, s’all.

  52. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    People’ll read the most boring toss, so I’ll put it down to publicity.

  53. Swineshead Says:

    I didn’t mean to dig.
    In terms of blog promotion though, if you do want more readers, you need to link your name to your blog whenever you comment what like Napoleon and that rampant self-publicist Piqued does

  54. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Oh it’s fine, I enjoy a good dig. If I didn’t I wouldn’t do it so much myself.
    I shall attempt your Mao-like word-association propaganda. Perhaps I should write up a convenient link….of some description. ho! ho! The subtle wit is killing me! That and the face cancer.

  55. Swineshead Says:

    touch my balls

  56. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    do they cure face cancer?

  57. piqued Says:

    Aw, cheers for the link SH

  58. Swineshead Says:

    No probs

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