The One Show

by

The One Show

Though you might not think so, there is a point to The One Show. As far as I’m aware, it’s the only show on British TV that invites celebrities onto its sofa then all-but ignores them or outright humiliates them for a full thirty minutes. Whereas your Lorraine Kellys, your Parkys and that T4 shower spend the time they have with these Gods of the Modern Age fawning and pawing over them, Adrian Chiles and the delicious Christine Bleakley are much happier pretending the likes of her off of Sex & The City, him out of that rubbish film or that twat from The Eagles aren’t there, or at the very least should be treated with barely-disguised disdain. This is a good thing.

The presenters blindside their guests with things a pampered and cossetted person couldn’t possibly be aware of. They bamboozle them with provinciality. When the presenters bother to talk to their special guests at all, they hoodwink the hapless boobs (especially the Americans) with reports on East Anglian bird sanctuaries, the lunacy of the fifth Duke of Portland, the variety of British potatoes on offer at country farmers’ markets etc…, then ask for their opinion on the bizarre film they’ve just watched. There’s something refreshing about seeing a famous movie star squirm on the sofa when asked for their opinion on water shortages in Lancashire or the best cooking apple to shove in a blackberry and apple pie. And best of all, they ask them these questions with the likes of Giles Brandreth, Carol Thatcher or an insane gardening expert from Solihull sitting next to ’em.

Adrian: So, have you ever visited the house that inspired Toad Hall?
Jon Bon Jovi: What the fu …
Giles Brandreth: Oh, Johnny! You simply MUST go! You can imagine Toad racing along in his car, escaping the police! POOP POOP! Teddy bears! Jumpers! Prince Phillip!
Adrian: We were too poor to afford The Wind In The Willows in my house when I was growing up.
Jon Bon Jovi: What the hell’s going on?
Giles Brandreth: Tea with the Queen! Ratty and Mole! The changing of the guard! ENGLAND!
Jon Bon Jovi: HEEEELP!

It’s great. The celebrities almost always come out of the experience humiliated and confused. Even the plug they manage to get in at the end of the show is stunted and unenthusiastic, thanks to spending half an hour in a room full of lunatics. A case in point occurred last week when one of the hags from the forthcoming Sex & The City movie (which will be a giant pile of shit, by the way) was forced, almost at gunpoint, to eat chips by a mad banshee in a body warmer and wellington boots. By the time it came for her to publicise her film, a light had gone out in her eyes and she had been rendered all-but speechless (mainly because her mouth was stuffed with chips – the most food she’s eaten in a decade, I suspect). She’d been stoofered by Great British Eccentricity and it was a joy to watch.

And it appears the Demon Chiles and his cabal of insane minions can make anyone do anything they want! Fancy destroying the image of cool rock sophistication Robert Plant has built up for himself over the last thirty years? Why, invite him on The One Show and demand he sing the programme’s appalling theme tune in a bizarre falsetto voice! That’ll do it. Want to humiliate that leathery-faced Italian harridan who used to go out with Sven Goran Eriksson (and who likes to think of herself as a ‘fashion expert’)? Then make her incorrectly guess which handbags are fakes and which ones are genuine in a cheesy, last-minute exam she clearly doesn’t want to take. She was so humiliated at her televised failure, she began pleading that the test was unfair as Chiles talked over her and The One Show theme struck up. You simply don’t get that on Jonathan Ross.

I suggest you don’t see The One Show as a cheap piece of early-evening fluff in future. I suggest you watch it as I do: As a new blood sport that seeks out and destroys the reputations of the rich and famous. If you like your celebrities shining and bright and wonderful, watch that addlesome crap celebrity worship channel, E!

If, like me, you want to see these pompous bastards bloodied and bruised, then tune in every night to The One Show. When you’ve seen the pleading look in a celebrity’s eyes, when you know they’re thinking ‘Why me?’ as Brandreth shouts directly into their terrified faces, you’ll be bloody glad you did.

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87 Responses to “The One Show”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    This is on when I get in from work and I enjoy it. Weirdly.

    I don’t like that little monkey man who talks about property though. He’s affable enough but he gives me the willies.

    http://www.dominiclittlewood.com/

  2. Napoleon Says:

    That should be ‘the fifth Duke of Portland’. Damn these sausage fingers and the closeness of the ‘s’ key to the ‘d’. DAMN THEM ALL!

  3. Napoleon Says:

    Dom’s a hideous little goblin. He is, however, the perfect tool for bewildering someone like Goldie Hawn when it comes to giving her advice she neither wants nor needs on buying a terraced house in Rotherham.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    Who else is there?
    Hardeep Singh Kohli is pretty good value.
    That man from newsnight 0 the ethical living man – he’s alright.
    I wish Myleene and Christine would flank Chiles together. it’s not fair only having one or the other.

  5. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not so keen on Mylene.

    They also have John Sargeant meeting Britain’s many and varied insane people, that doctor woman who is the new Millenium’s ‘Dr’ Raj Persaud, Phil Tufnel making a fool of himself in various villages with a daft names, and that science guy with the glasses who conducts nefarious experiments on members of the public.

    I hated this show when it started. Now I realise it’s great because it’s a cornucopia of British lunacy. An on-air Bedlam.

  6. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not so keen on Mylene.

    They also have John Sargeant meeting Britain’s many and varied insane people, that doctor woman who is the new Millenium’s ‘Dr’ Raj Persaud, Phil Tufnel making a fool of himself in various villages with daft names, and that science guy with the glasses who conducts nefarious experiments on members of the public.

    I hated this show when it started. Now I realise it’s great because it’s a cornucopia of British lunacy. An on-air Bedlam.

  7. Napoleon Says:

    WordPress is weird sometimes.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Phil Tufnel’s a good bloke. Never followed cricket but wasn’t he once suspended for smoking the pots?

  9. Clarys Says:

    I read Chiles’ book on football (which I hate) when I was on holiday last year, as I’d read everything else. He’s quite amusing in a Brummie way.

    Which harridan from Sex and the City was it? I’m curious.

  10. Napoleon Says:

    She had brown hair. Does this help?

  11. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve nothing against the actresses in SATC, in fact they all seem nice compared to your usual thicker-than-a-hatstand celebs. It’s the scripts, viewership and fashion obsession that gets to me.

  12. Napoleon Says:

    I like to think of them all as whores, tarts, and anorexic slatterns, m’self. And the curly-haired one off of Honeymoon In Vegas looks like a horse with a wasting disease.

  13. goodbyetoallfat Says:

    Hi Swineshead. Thanks so much for popping by my brand new blog (and yes, I am the person who was previously commenting occasionally on yours and Collins’ blogs / Apprentice reviews in the open name “Sharon”).

    Very much appreciate your comments, especially as I am aware that you earn your living from words, whereas I don’t (like many wannabe writers I dream that I did, of course, but having left school at 16 and made lots of bad choices I have ended up working as a “dumb secretary” for almost 24 years now).

    No offence to other secretaries, by the way, that was intended as a sideswipe at myself (and the dumb choices I made).

    Loving your review of The One Show. I very rarely catch it but on the occasions when I do make it home before 7pm I do find it quite oddly entertaining.

    I didn’t see the one that you quote with Jon Bon Jovi — that does sound particularly hilarious — asking a member of the rock cognoscenti questions about Toad of Toad Hall!

    Best wishes,
    Sharon

  14. Napoleon Says:

    Hello Sharon. I WROTE THAT BLOODY REVIEW – ME, ME, ME!

    ME!

  15. Swineshead Says:

    NC wrote that review, Sharon…

  16. Napoleon Says:

    See? See, Sharon? Sharon? SEE?

    SHARON!

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Sharon?

    SHARON.

    SHARON.

    SHARON?

    Anyway, thanks.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    I’m wondering what I should have for my lunch:

    a) A bacon sandwich.
    b) A sausage sandwich.
    c) A fried egg sandwich.

    I’ll leave the decision to you.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    All three (in a bap)

  20. Napoleon Says:

    Bit excessive for a lunchtime sandwich though, ain’t it? The bap’s a given, obviously. A bap – not a cob, or a roll, or a bun. I love great big floury baps.

    And tits.

  21. Clarry Says:

    Mmm, i’ve got super noodles for lunch. Jealous huh?

  22. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Not excessive at all. I also like tits, by the way.

    My friends aren’t here yet. I’m all alone. It’s dark.

  23. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    In fact if I were you I’d add beans, ham, chips, mushrooms and black pudding to that sandwich. As well as smoked sausage, fried bread, farmhouse potatoes, scrambled egg, poached egg and a kipper.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    That sounds like the sort of sandwich Gary Glitter would eat. As a result, I proclaim Wagonwheel is an:

    INTERNET PAEDOPHILE.

  25. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    That may be so, but at least I’m not a racist like Dave, the filthy foreign Johnny.

  26. Napoleon Says:

    Dave’s protesting the fact he’s a racist. I think we all know different, mind. The racist.

  27. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

    (I implied he was a lady which is an insult because women are an inferior species).

  28. Napoleon Says:

    Looks like you’re spoling for a fight today, Wagonwheel.

  29. piqued Says:

    Had The Apprentice begun yet? Get Grace out!!!

    AHAHAHAAHAHOASH

  30. goodbyetoallfat Says:

    NAPOLEON SAID: “Hello Sharon. I WROTE THAT BLOODY REVIEW – ME, ME, ME!”

    SWINESHEAD: “Sharon? SHARON. SHARON.”

    Yes, OK, I get the message I just am not online every single second of the day. Sometimes my job gets busy (like today) and I have few and limited moments when I can surf for a few seconds.

    Occasionally I do get really quiet days when I am able to spend a large part of my day reading and commenting on other people’s blogs but unfortunately today is not one of those days.

    Yes, I have now seen on the FRONT of WWM that Napoleon is listed as the author, but when I posted my comment I was clicked inside, where the author does not show.

  31. Napoleon Says:

    I DONE DID THAT!

  32. Mikey Says:

    Tomorrow is The Champions League Final. Come on you BLUES!!!!
    Thus will anybody actually watch the Apprentice tomorrow. Furthermore surely some soreheads on Thursday.

  33. Napoleon Says:

    As I’d rather eat my own face than watch Chelsea V. Man U, I’ll be watching The Apprentice. Then the news to see how many of the fans have been hammered Soviet-style by the Russian police.

  34. Swineshead Says:

    I can’t bear the thought of either debt-ridden shithouse winning that match.

  35. Mikey Says:

    Blue is the colour, football is the game
    We’re all together and winning is our aim
    So cheer us on through the sun and rain
    Cos Chelsea, Chelsea is our name.

  36. Mikey Says:

    LEE will be watching the game I’m sure.

  37. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Football’s really, really, really boring.

  38. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Actually scratch the generalisation:

    Playing football is vaguely less unentertaining than going for a run.

    Watching football is bearable if the only other things on are:

    Big Brother
    Snooker
    Darts
    Big Brother

    But following a team? Obsessing about named players who you actually know very little about? That’s just social nuttiness.

  39. Swineshead Says:

    Blue is the colour, accruing debt from a Russian criminal is the game
    We’re all together and cheating football of its dignity is our aim
    So cheer us on, our fans don’t have a brain
    Cos bastard Chelsea, bastard Chelsea is our name.

  40. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Incidentally, I’ll do a review of Indiana Jones what I’m seeing at the Leicester Square Odeon on Thursday ifn y’all like.

  41. Swineshead Says:

    I particularly enjoyed going to the Emirates and hearing this delightful chant:

    Oh, Cheryl Cole is northern
    And she’s a fucking whore
    And when she’s shagging Ashley Cole
    She thinks of Adebayor.

    They’re a charming lot, football fans.

  42. Swineshead Says:

    JQW – you’re alright. You won’t be able to avoid spoilers, you utter bastard. Do one on your own blog, it’s got barely any content as it is. And it’s not as if you haven’t got the time.

    You’ve all the time in the world, what with being a student. if I were you I’d fill my days with wooing ugly women and drinking every borrowed penny I could grab – not posting on a third rate website.

  43. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Haha I can avoid spoilers, but fine, I’ll keep my reviewing prowess under wraps.

    *raises head snootily*

  44. Swineshead Says:

    You need to cut your teeth reviewing a daytime TV ad or Emmerdale or something. Indy J is a job for the top brass, sunshine.

  45. Mikey Says:

    JQW: Yes I know, sometimes I do find it funny, though I am actually fascinated by the “Beautiful game”. There is alot of cultural and political socio economic aspects to the whole historical and international context of Football. Also I just love to kick a football.

    Swineshead: Yep, but in my defence I have been a blue for more years than I would care to admit. The thing is that the (any) club is bigger than any individual. It just so happens that the current owner has splashed the cash.

  46. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I DUN REVUSE OF CLASSIKAL MUSIK CDS ON AMAZON.

    I bet mine would be better than the one wot you get up here when one o’ you farts gets round to seeing it. Well, Medlo’s are alright, but he is a bit foreign.

  47. Swineshead Says:

    Right – that offer’s now reversed. You’ve shat in your bed now, JQW.

  48. piqued Says:

    Christ, football

    *leaves*

  49. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Offer? It seemed more of an assertion to me.

  50. Mikey Says:

    JQW you could review that complete load of bollox ad (on E4 I think) for texting your name and boy/girl friends name to see if your compatible. Has society really become so vacuous and gullible?

  51. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Rather reviews itself. Anyhow, I must be semi-away for 3 days now, the hour of advent is upon me.

  52. Napoleon Says:

    Who is doing Indiana Jones, by the way?

  53. Clarry Says:

    And ‘Reverend Death’, don’t forget that review. I NEED to talk about that.

  54. Swineshead Says:

    Christ…

  55. Clarry Says:

    Soz SH, when you watch it later you will understand.

  56. Swineshead Says:

    I am heavy headed today. My head is heavy. I wonder how heavy the human head is.

  57. george Says:

    Is this what I’ve got to look forward to when I go past thirty? Liking the one show in an ironic way?

  58. Swineshead Says:

    Irony’s not been mentioned. I like it in an unironic way as does NC if you read the article, young man.

  59. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Who is doing Indiana Jones, by the way?’

    Ally McBeal

  60. george Says:

    So all I’ve got to look forward to is liking the one show in an un-ironic way?

    *drinks bleach*

  61. Swineshead Says:

    No, George. What you fail to grasp is that you don’t have to be like us, or anyone who likes The One Show. You’re making a wild assumption based on age.

    Going by that logic, you like the Kooks, Skins and Steve Jones, you fucking arsehole.

  62. george Says:

    They’re my three favourite things ever. So I’m right?

  63. Swineshead Says:

    No. But you are tedious, so well done on that.

  64. george Says:

    Ace! Maybe I’ll land a job on the one show then.

  65. Swineshead Says:

    Unlikely, I feel. You’re not in Giles Brandreth’s league, son.

  66. george Says:

    I’ve got sexier legs. Surely that counts for something?

  67. george Says:

    Anyhow, now that my supervisor’s gone and I can type for more then ten seconds, I might actually try and argue my point.

    Isn’t the source of pleasure that the reviewer gets from The One Show, namely the way in which it deploys British eccentricity to confuse and alienate the celebrity guests, unintentional? Wouldn’t you suggest that the point in booking guests on the show was to have a little comfy chat that’s typical to most magazine format shows showed in peak time?

    So, wouldn’t it be logical to assume that if you like the show because it unintentionally achieves the opposite of what it sets out to do (in much the same way that Top Gun set out to be a celebration of American masculinity and is now adored by GBLT audiences) that you have an ironic love of it?

    Obviously I might be wrong, and I apologise if I am.

  68. Napoleon Says:

    George – No. I don’t watch things ironically or like things in an ironic way. That’s a pup’s trick, and I ain’t a pup anymore. It’s why you won’t find Atari t-shirts in my wardrobe, or trousers adorned with hammer and sickle motifs. Thankfully, I was born too late to jump on that boat … sorry, Love Boat, bwah ha ha ha. Weren’t the 70s so adorably cheesy?

    *slips on Commodore 64 sun visor and watches Rod’s Pink Windmill Show … ironically*

  69. george Says:

    Was that you joking or not? It’s so ahrd to tell these things on the net.

  70. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, that was me joking. God give me strength.

  71. Swineshead Says:

    I think The One Show intends to do those things. As the article said, it’s a celebration of provincial Englandm, ergo English eccentricity.

    In Chiles they have a very knowing presenter, who realises that he is presenting what might be considered fluff, so he mucks about – enough to keep grannies and youngsters alike happy. Lovejoy on Something for the Weekend is up to the same trick.

    So no – we’re not watching ironically. We’re taking it at face level.

    I think the makers aren’t aiming for This Morning type fluff. There’s a subtle humour going on, short of subversion but definitely left of centre.

    That’s not down to the viewers, it’s down to the makers.

    And our age has nothing to do with anything, so fuck knows why that came into it. Do you feel superior for being less knowledgable and having less experience of the world than the people whose messageboards you troll? Quite an odd standpoint.

  72. martha Says:

    ‘That’s a pup’s trick, and I ain’t a pup anymore’ said NC about three posts up. Obviously, he’s referring the whole retro ironic craze of the last ten years. Having an ironic love something is something that’s considered as a youth thing, a smart-arsed-student scene, which is why I was surprised to see you people acting in a similar fashion, albeit with cosy prime time middle aged bumfests rather then jaded symbols of an 80s childhood.

    You see, you can’t have your cake and eat it. You can have the relative wisdom and experience that comes with age to allow you to judge ‘…people who don’t know they’re born, who don’t know about human suffering and who don’t understand anything other than their own desultory, vapid existence – and even struggle with that’ (although I accept that this quote in itself doesn’t mention age, when you’re talking about three youths on a youth TV show it seems a bit too much of a co-incidence that these two concepts, apathy & ignorance, are always seen as failings of youth) and then get all haughty when somebody acts the same way around you.

    And strangely enough, in all the time we spent trolling through EC telling 13 year olds to fuck off (so you can get off your high horse, you hypocritical arse) I never once saw anybody rile you, in fact I don’t ever remember you getting annoyed as you are now. Touch a nerve did I?

    As for the ironic / unironic argument; I’d imagine Chiles is earning money to put food in the fridge, and simply doesn’t give enough of a crap about this fluff to subvert the overall aim of the show (if you’re telling me that this show was deliberately made and at every level from producer downwards people have been saying ‘let’s jam one over on these celeb twats with some funny British eccentricisms’ then old or not you’re a baying moron, like producing a show isn’t enough bloody work without throwing in a few anarchic moments that all of six people might understand). What you’re watching here pure filler, trying to keep middle England on their bums after the local news and before the soaps, and you can sit down and watch it everyday and it won’t change. It’s exactly like This Morning, and if you could accept it was crap and that you like it in an ironic way you might find you have something in common with us young guns after all.

  73. Swineshead Says:

    I can’t believe you could be arsed to write all that hogshit up there, Martha. Are you George?
    I’m confused.

    Anyway, you missed the point, and The One Show is so utterly harmless that it’s really not worth the effort. So you’ve wasted your time. Well done.

  74. goerge Says:

    Yeah, it is me. I go through typing random names on all wordpress blogs though George seems to have stuck on this one, for some odd reason…

    If you lived in a village like I do, anything you can do to keep you away from the inbred cretins in the backwater swillhole that is the local pub is a skill full deployment of time.

  75. Napoleon Says:

    What the hell did all that mean? ‘Trolling through EC telling 13 year olds to fuck off’ Eh? Am I on a high horse? Or is it Swineshead? And who’s the hypocritical arse? Piqued? Me?

    Wha?

  76. george Says:

    That bit about EC was aimed at SW.

  77. Napoleon Says:

    Oh right.

  78. george Says:

    Still, you like the one show in an ironic way. ADMIT IT.

  79. Badger Madge Says:

    I can do Indy if you like: Not as good as Raiders, better than Temple of Doom.

    BM x

  80. Badger Madge Says:

    That’s a no then…

  81. Napoleon Says:

    Sorry, Badger. Swineshead should have replied to you. I have no objections to you doing a review of Indiana Jones, but it’s not up to me. It’s up to that big-nosed git.

    Swineshead! ANSWER THE WOMAN!

    And where’s the fucking Apprentice review? Eh?

  82. Swineshead Says:

    I thought you were making a joke, BM – along the lines of ‘I can do it: here it is’. I thought that comment was your review.

    As for publically pitching reviews in the comments section, it’s a wee bit awkward – especially when it’s that berk JQW who can’t even be arsed to do a post a week on his own blog.

    Apprentice review’s up.

  83. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Not really worth that much of a review. Entertaining and all that but the plot goes where it probably shouldn’t and there are a few too many smarmy nods to the audience. Still, someone should do a quicky, for traffic if nothing else. Also, I’m back.

  84. Ivor Biggun Says:

    I’ve got a Big Cock.

  85. Ivor Biggun Says:

    He keeps the Hens happy!

  86. Ivor Biggun Says:

    He’s an M&S cock.

  87. Ivor Biggun Says:

    This Existential, Post-Modern, Ironic thing is a piece of piss, innit?

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