Life After People


Life After People

Oh blimey. The human race has all fucked off (for some reason) – so let’s have a look at what’d happen to planet Earth if every last one of us vanished. How would the globe sustain itself and what would happen to the structures and routines we’ve set up?

The fact is, you could answer that query in about five minutes while pissed in hypothetical pub babble and probably be pretty accurate, despite being resolutely unentertained. Still, Channel 4 felt it was worth investigating in depth as it’d give them an excuse to go mental with the second rate CGI. And go mental they did – with tree roots knocking down the walls of your house, domestic cats turning feral and lurking all over disintegrating skyscrapers while rhinos bungled along the streets of Washington – with the tenuous assumption that they might have been able to pick the locks at the zoo.

We also saw bridges falling to bits, Central Park turning into a mad forest and a soviet bank exploding as tree roots and expanding water wrecked it. All while a lion inexplicably hurtled down a runway.

It was all terribly exciting for about half an hour, until you realised – oh shit – this is one of those Channel 4 documentaries that should last about 45 minutes but is actually to trundle on, panting and wheezing for about an agonising hour. Then a little bit later, you look at the clock and it’s gone beyond the sixty-minute mark and by now you’ve lost interest in this hypothetical world because:

  • nobody would be there to document it so what’s the point?
  • it’d never happen – not like that, anyway.
  • it’s not an interesting hypothesis unless hoards of zombies are involved and there’re a handful of human survivors.

So, in the event, we learned that nothing man-made lasts forever and plants get overgrown if untended.

Not really the sort of groundbreaking scientific revelation and learning suitable for showing in schools – but the CGI was semi-smashing and it wasted one hour and thirty five minutes of Bank Holiday scheduling – so who cares that nobody’s actually learning anything?

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205 Responses to “Life After People”

  1. Napoleon Says:

    This was Discovery’s big cheese documentary a few months back. I’ve seen it about four times now. What it lacks is Will Smith hunting deer in Times Square, then strangling his German Shepherd.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Discovery Channel eh? Online it’s referred to as a History Channel job, but Channel 4 kept talking about sponsors who make their documentaries in the ad breaks, implying they’d made it.


  3. Napoleon Says:

    Was it History? I could have sworn it was on Discovery – I’ll take your word for it. Anyway, whoever made it, it wasn’t Channel 4. It’s a bought-in job, like most of Channel 5’s stuff.

    I thought this was alright. It did drag on a bit, mind. The special effects were pretty good for a telly show – liked the Empire State Building falling down.

    Segal would have survived.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    That was my problem with it. I wanted to know WHY all the people had disappeared. I needed answers, dammit.

    Glad the cats survived though.

    And the lion running down a runway was brilliant. I hadn’t realised how much I’d always wanted to see a lion running down a runway.

  5. Mikey Says:

    Agree with you, could have been 45 minutes. I liked the idea of flying (gliding) cats though.
    Very US and London specific with the odd reference to the Eiffel tower, Ankor Wat and Chernobyl. Indeed there was a documentary some time ago, focussing on Chernobyl and the aftermath. Far more interesting.

  6. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve been considering taking a trip to The Ukraine so I can go on a tour of Prypiat. It looks ace, and well worth the long-term health risks from all that radiation.

  7. Swineshead Says:

    Off topic but I attended a party at the weekend with Piqued who at one point, with no intended irony, stated that I must try the ‘hummus – it’s sensational’.

  8. piqued Says:

    It was, you admitted so too.

    *prods turd*

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Balls. At first I refused to touch it, miffed at your hyperbole.

    Then I tasted it and said it was ‘nice’ – because the woman who made it was standing next to me. I didn’t repeat your assertion that it was sensational as everyone knows that putting foodstuff on your tongue will result in the sensation of taste, so saying hummus is ‘sensational’ is like saying sugar is ‘sweet’.

    Besides – there are better things to discuss at parties – like football and whether Ringo was the best Beatle.

  10. Napoleon Says:

    Hummus is horrible. Piqued really is a stuck-up arse of a ‘man’. And Ringo wasn’t the best Beatle – that was Paul.

  11. piqued Says:

    You actually said ‘fod is fuel and that’s that’

    Then you danced with two men that clearly jumped puddles

  12. Swineshead Says:

    I did say ‘whether’ regarding Ringo. It’s up for debate – I wasn’t confirming the drummer as the better Beatle. Just to be clear.

    ‘Food is food, and that’s that’ – yeah, right. I wouldn’t have said that. The fact you were four pints deep when I turned up doesn’t do you any credit Piquedy boy – you can’t remember anything. AND you collapsed in the off licence.

  13. piqued Says:

    That was hilarious -what triggered that?

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Your complete confusion at how money and shops work – meaning I had to deal with purchasing scores of beers with pound coins while you giggled like a schoolgirl.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    Anyone else do anything interesting over the bank holiday then?

    *has realised Life After People doesn’t inspire swathes of conversation*

  16. Napoleon Says:

    And Piqued pours scorn on others wot get drunked-up outdoors! The hippocritapotamouse (if that ISN’T already a kid’s book, then please don’t steal it, Geri).

    I had really bad diarrhoea over the Bank Holiday weekend, mainly.

  17. Clarry Says:

    Nothing too that to report. I got very drunk on bright green shots and spent all the next day feeling extremely sorry for myself.

    P.S I think George was the best Beatle.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    That sounds fantastic.

    Apprentice is on tonight I notice, what with the football and everything.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    It’s hard to pick a best Beatle but I think Paul put the most work in, despite being a bit embarassing from time to time.

  20. Napoleon Says:

    He only really got embarrassing at about the same time John started seeing that screeching Japanese monstrosity Yoko. Paul was the cool one – bombing round London in an Aston Martin DB5, shagging Jane Asher, experimenting with loony music (leadin’ on to Sgt. Pepper and, ultimately and unfortunately, John’s appalling Revolution 9), and holding court with the ladies in The Establishment listening to Dudley Moore tinkling the ivories. And he did put the work in, you’re right.

  21. Mikey Says:

    John then George , Ringo and lastly Paul. (I guess Noel and Liam do not count). Based on their music after the split. Come on Mull of Kintyre…be serious.

  22. Swineshead Says:

    After the split? Irrelevant Mikey – we’re talking about The Beatles, not Wings or the Plastic Ono band – both of which came out with shite in addition to a few gems.

    I’m not totally against Lennon’s Ono obsession – a few good songs came out of it. And if he was in love and wanted to indulge himself with some sentimental songs, so be it, people didn’t have to buy them.

    For me, Paul was a better musician and wrote more interesting tunes. He knew more than eight chords, essentially, and he knew what to do with them. Despite writing better story-based lyrics than Lennon, Lennon had a better way with nonsense rhyme. It’s hard to pick a best Beatle, is what I’m confusingly trying to say.

  23. Mikey Says:

    Oh dear.. I misunderstood the question. Then best Beatle was George.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    John’s post-Beatles output was hardly mind-blowing. I’ve always found him a slightly ridiculous figure – not being a Baby Boomin’ 60s layabout, I find a shaggy grown man staying in bed for a week for peace laughable. Certainly a damn sight more laughable than Paul ‘n’ Linda ‘n’ Denny walking down the beach with the Southerland and Argyll pipe band (which is quite a cool video, as it ‘appens). Anyway, as Swineshead says, that’s post-Beatles. With the exception of the odd Lennon track, a couple of half-decent Wings albums and a few Macca solo tracks, and All Things Must Pass (the best thing any ex-Beatle’s done by miles), most of the stuff all of ’em did was sub-par once the band broke up in 1970.

    It IS hard to pick out a best Beatle. It’s better to say, ‘Who’s your favourite Beatle?’. John was the best one minute, then Paul was the best, then George (when he wasn’t banging on about Hinduism or fucking sitars) was, then suddenly Ringo was. They were all the best, all at once.

    Unless you hated The Beatles … in which case you’re a fucking buffoon.

  25. Mikey Says:

    Beach Boys album Pet Sounds is up there with the best and influenced the fab 4.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    *cue Piqued*

  27. piqued Says:

    I don’t like The Beatles very much NC, all that ooh ooh and mop shaking gets right up my fucking nose.

    I quite liked George Harrison mind, the rest of them were cunts

  28. piqued Says:

    I would like to say that at age 7 I said to my dad ‘The Monkees were better than The Beatles’.

    Despite him going nuts I stand by that…

  29. Napoleon Says:

    “Beach Boys album Pet Sounds is up there with the best and influenced the fab 4”

    Is that after Brian Wilson went mad, started wearing a fireman’s helmet and standing in a sandpit after Sgt. Pepper stole Pet Sounds’ thunder, Mikey?

  30. Swineshead Says:

    Pet Sounds is a great record. And McCartney admits he was influenced by it…

    Monkees better than the Beatles. Utter bullshit.

  31. Napoleon Says:

    Your father clearly had sounder judgement than you have, Piqued. God, he must wish he’d done the honourable thing and drowned you at birth.

  32. Napoleon Says:

    He was influenced by it how? On Magical Mystery Tour? He shouldn’t have bothered.

  33. piqued Says:

    I agree about Pet Sounds though, The Beach Boys were vastly superior to The fucking Beatles. Vastly.

    Daydream Believer is better than all the The Beatles songs put together; actually The Rutles had better bloody songs…

    Did anyone know Mr. Lets Give Peace and Chance/Imagine all the people living life in peace Lennon used to beat the living fucking shit out of his (first) wife? This is, of course, before the second one split the band up…


    *shakes mop top*

  34. piqued Says:


    Jesus fucking wept

  35. Swineshead Says:

    Pet Sounds released 66, SP’sLHCB released 1967.

  36. Mikey Says:

    And what about Mick & Keef?

  37. piqued Says:

    Vastly superior in every possible context Mikey

  38. Napoleon Says:

    The Beach Boys weren’t vastly superior to The Beatles. Pet Sounds exists because Wilson listened to Rubber Soul and realised he needed to stop fucking about with all that surfin’ music. Yes, it’s a good record, but then it was completely blown out of the water by Sgt. Pepper. In fact, The Beach Boys never did anything as good as Pet Sounds ever again (remember Smile?), whereas The Beatles still had The White Album, Let It Be, and the fantastic Abbey Road left in ’em. Vastly superior, my arse.

    You’re right on the Lennon front. A thoroughly unpleasant individual, by all accounts. He was on heroin when he was smacking Cynthia about … not that that’s an excuse, mind.

  39. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I know when they were released. I see Pet Sounds being more of an influence on Magical Mystery Tour than Sgt. Pepper’s. And like I say, they shouldn’t have bothered.

  40. Mikey Says:

    ….and do not forget the Doors and Jefferson Airplane. A lot of weird stuff going down in 66 – 67, all influencing each other.

  41. Swineshead Says:

    Let it Be is guff, though. Too much bickering going on at the time.
    Abbey Road is the best of the bunch.

    Piqued loves Hawkwind, we probably shouldn’t forget that fact in the context of this discussion. He made me download one of their albums and I turned it off halfway into track two as I was pissing myself laughing.

  42. piqued Says:

    ‘He was on heroin when he was smacking Cynthia about’

    Or he was on smacking when he was heroin Cynthia about?

    Yes, Beach Boys better than The Beatles. (Sgt Pepper is dreadful, Abbey Road has one good song on it mind you)


  43. Mikey Says:

    Whilst in New York at the time, a New York boy and a Welshman had their own take on it all.

  44. Napoleon Says:

    The Doors? What the fuck have a second-tier California stoner’s band got to do with this?

  45. piqued Says:

    Happy to admit that the vast proportion of stuff after 79 isn’t much cop, but of course, I’ve maintained this from the off

  46. Swineshead Says:

    NC – I thought you were making a chronological point. Fair enough if not.

    To be honest, Pet Sounds sounds nothing like the Beatles, or vice versa. I don’t see the relevance of Mikey’s point about all this influencing going on.

    The Stones are not vastly superior to the Beatles. Their huge success is baffling. Five good tunes over loads of albums is a pathetic return. The Beatles piss on them.

  47. Napoleon Says:

    Hawkwind are a fucking awful band.

    Have you heard Let It Be … Naked? Far better with the Phil Spector production shit removed.

  48. Swineshead Says:

    Let’s all take five seconds to laugh at Hawkwind. Even though people were already laughing at them in the early 80s.

  49. Mikey Says:

  50. Napoleon Says:

    I quite like The Stones. I’d agree The Beatles pissed on ’em, mind. Steet Fighting Man’s a particular favourite – though it’s slightly ridiculous to see Mick still singing it now after his generation failed to take to the streets and bring down the MAN. Like they said they would in the 60s. The fucking liars.

  51. Napoleon Says:

    I’m up for that …

    *thinks about Hawkwind*


  52. Mikey Says:

    “The Doors? What the fuck have a second-tier California stoner’s band got to do with this?”

    Another album from 1967 which was basically the Psychedelic era. All the bands mentioned were experimenting and being influenced by each other’s sounds.

  53. Swineshead Says:

    Mikey – why do you keep posting links to 60s bands? It’s like going on Question Time and treating it like a game of ‘see how many politicians you can name’

  54. Napoleon Says:

    I’m trying to think how The Beatles were influenced by gubbins like Morrison Hotel …

    … nope, not getting anywhere with this.

  55. Napoleon Says:

    Morrison hotel was a bit later on, thinking about it … The Soft Parade? Didn’t that shit come out about that time?

  56. Swineshead Says:

    I like The Doors (especially their ludicrous, fat-bearded-Jim phase circa Soft Parade) but I think even Jim would admit they’ve nowt in common with the lads from the Mersey (apart from acid and the 60s and nothing else).

  57. Napoleon Says:

    LSD was about the only thing that tied ’em together. Fat bearded Jim was ludicrous AND unpleasant, don’t forget. Slapping his missus about, drinking too much booze, not getting up to the cool stuff you see depicted in Oliver Stone’s bullshit movie, ‘The Doors’, just horrible stuff that alcoholics normally get up to, etc.

  58. Mikey Says:

    Well the original question was who was your favorite Beatle? Admittedly it was me who brought up Pet Sounds, but just to illustrate the Beatles being influenced. The era of 1966 – 67 signified the psychedelic era, where the American bands mentioned had their first albums reinforcing this sort of tune in and turn on culture. Then as bands tend to do, they went on to discover their own paths though starting off at the same time with the same sort of influences. No the Beatles were not influenced by Morrison hotel. Actually I do not like the Doors too much but their first album is quite important.

    Remember both the Beatles and the Stones started off by rehashing R & B. They….the Beatles were influenced to go the Sgt pepper route by what was happening at the time.

  59. Napoleon Says:

    The Beatles were influenced by gigantic quantities of acid when it came to Sgt. Pepper, Mikey. As for ‘The Doors’ being quite important? In what way? Important to Doors fans?

  60. Mikey Says:

    The VU link is to show another band who started off at the same time as all mentioned…the psychedelic sound. And by the way I agree the Daydream Believer is a great song. At the risk of stating the obvious, all music is influenced in one way or another by what other bands are doing.

  61. Mikey Says:

    Well I am willing to be corrected on this. The Doors had a powerful sound with some quite good songs but was not Jim one of the first front men to exhibit lewd behaviour on stage?

  62. Napoleon Says:

    By getting his dick out in Miami? Who did that influence? Certainly not The Beatles – they’d given up touring by then, so the crowd never got to see a Morrison-influenced Ringo cock flash.

  63. Napoleon Says:

    Daydream Believer’s not a great song, it’s an alright song. Wasn’t it written by that hack, Neil Diamond?

  64. Mikey Says:

    Napoleon I am not saying the Doors influenced the Beatles nor that the Doors were particularly influenced by the Beatles. What i am saying is what came out of that era of which the Doors were apart of, influenced rock and roll onwards. Oasis and certain Jam songs are clearly influenced by the Beatles and that the Doors brought a new edge to live gigs.

  65. piqued Says:

    I love The Doors

    As for Hawkwind, all sins committed are cured by Space Ritual and Warrior on the Edge of Time.

  66. Napoleon Says:

    The Who brought a ‘new edge’ to live gigs, as did Hendrix. The Stones were riding that ‘new edge’ live gig wave long before The Doors too. What ‘new edge’ are you on about? Turning up so drunk to a gig that the keyboard player has to sing all the songs? Getting your cock out? Telling the audience they’re all morons? Apart from The Sex Pistols, I’m racking my brains to think of anyone who WAS influenced by that behaviour (and I’m not too sure The Pistols would cite The Doors as the reason for their strange approach to stagecraft).

    The Jam took their cues from The Kinks and The Who more than they did The Beatles. And Oasis were just a feeble copy of The Beatles. Copying isn’t the same as ‘being influenced by’, any way you slice it.

  67. Napoleon Says:

    Hawkwind are a fucking stupid band, Piqued.

  68. Swineshead Says:

    Warrior On The Edge of Time is the one I shat myself laughing at.

    The Doors were great. But Jim M was a berk and they are destined to forever be fodder for stoned 15 year olds. I was once one of those 15 year olds, so classics like People are Strange and Moonlight Drive will forever have a place in my heart and neck.

  69. Swineshead Says:

    Anyone fancy getting involved in a discussion about Glastonbury and the coverage thereof?

  70. Napoleon Says:

    Jim Morrison WAS a berk, you’re right. A right royal berk.

  71. piqued Says:

    No, not until you’re nice about The Wind…

    …or I’ll never write another word on here


  72. Swineshead Says:

    Horses for courses, Piqued. I don’t like ’em.
    Your attempt to belittle the Beatles was far more offensive.

  73. Napoleon Says:

    It was. The Beatles are a proper band, unlike the fourth division Hawkwind. Anyone for shit 1970s space music? “No thanks!” roars most of Planet Earth.

  74. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I had diarrhoea too.

  75. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Also, having not been given bank holidays off since primary school, I have no concept of why they’re good, what one is supposed to do with them and why there suddenly seem to be SO MANY OF THEM.

  76. Napoleon Says:

    Don’t kids get Bank Holidays off? It’s been that fucking long since I was one, I’ve forgotten how it works.

  77. Swineshead Says:

    Were you two (JQW and NC) doing this?

  78. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Nah, ‘Independent’ school thing. Also had to do school on Saturday and sometimes Sunday.

  79. Napoleon Says:

    Oh right.

    I couldn’t be bothered to watch that thing, Swineshead. I assume it concerned shitting at the speed of sound?

    Wagonwheel wouldn’t know diarrhoea if it kicked him up the arse.

  80. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    For your information, I’ve still got it, yeah. My halls-toilet has never taken such punishment as from my orange liquid spray.

  81. Swineshead Says:

    It concerns pooing back and forth. Worth a watch.

  82. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    It was a video of two young boys sex-chatting online with an anonymous woman.

  83. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I’d seen it before but couldn’t recall more than that. Perhaps chat-sex Cleveland Steamers were involved…

  84. Clarry Says:

    ‘Nothing too that to report. ‘

    Eh? Sorry, still recovering from drunken weekend, hence my earlier mystifying comment. I don’t even remember what I was trying to say…

    SH – Although I agree with you that the Doors will be forever in the hearts of 15 year old stoners, I still like them – although my favourite era was right at the end i.e. LA Woman.

    Re: Stones/Beatles debate. I always preferred the Beatles but as I get older I prefer the Stones, but this is mainly because I am sick to the back teeth of the Beatles.

  85. Napoleon Says:

    You’re a hopeless amateur in the world of shitting, Wagonwheel. I’m a SLAVE to the thunderbox, I am. A Shit Master. You’ve had diarrhoea, what? Three poxy days? HA! I’ve had it twice a day since I was TWELVE YEARS OLD.

  86. Swineshead Says:

    I still like The Doors too.

    Especially all the chat-show style horns and orchestration on The Soft Parade. Marvellous.

  87. Napoleon Says:

    The Soft Parade’s a cheesy pile of shit. The best album I’ve ever heard is The Wall. That’s right, THE WALL.

  88. Swineshead Says:

    The Wall’s fucking cheesy as they come, you retard. Specifically Dave Gilmour’s woodly widdly solos which borderline ruin pretty much every song on it.

    ‘Oooooh! I need a dirty woman!’

    Piss off.

    It’s a great album – and a great, overlong, cheesy, pompous album at that.

  89. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    As you’ve got terrible bowels I’ll happily hand you the Shit Crown. It’s got all shit on it, mind.

  90. Napoleon Says:

    The Wall’s a classic, you moron. When The Soft Parade’s been long-forgotten, The Wall will still be standing.

    See what I did there? Still standing? Like a wall? Same as a real wall? See? Swineshead’s an anus.

  91. Swineshead Says:

    Ah – but real walls won’t remain standing – not when when you consider what Life After People had to say.

    And so we come first circle.

  92. Swineshead Says:

    ‘full’ circle. Not first.

    *has brain surgery*

  93. Napoleon Says:

    I can definitely see what you did there. Clever.

  94. Napoleon Says:

    You’re wrong, mind. The end of Life After People shows the Great Wall of China as one of only a few things that will remain. That’s the wall I meant when I talked about walls up there.

  95. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Luckily at that point there’ll be no people left to listen to The Soft Parade.

  96. Swineshead Says:

    Wrong, JQW. I have made a superstrong self-powering hi-fi that can play Soft Parade on a loop until the end of time.




  97. Mikey Says:

    Floyd bore the socks off me.

  98. Swineshead Says:

    NC – that’s a Chinese wall. I don’t recall Roger Waters singing in Mandarin or Cantonese, so your point falls down into a rubble-heap (like the Berlin Wall – with me being David Hasslehoff atop the wall, singing a song).

  99. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    So THAT’S what that lion was running from.

  100. Swineshead Says:

    The lion was an evolved Jim Morrison running towards some heroin.

  101. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    It certainly didn’t look comfortable numb.

  102. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    ‘comfortably’. Fuck.

  103. Napoleon Says:

    That was awful, Wagonwheel. I’m enjoying your new celebrity site, by the way. Clever how you’ve stolen absolutely every bit of your fancy-ass new writing style from me, you thieving little bastard.

    Roger’s wall IS a Chinese wall. I don’t need to prove that.

  104. Swineshead Says:

    Ah – so you’re ‘shitbagger’, JQW?

  105. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Me too. The best part of it is that I can’t remember making it, which has certainly saved a lot of effort.

  106. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Still, it was nice of me to blogroll myself despite never having encountered myself on the internet prior to the blog’s creation. Clearly I wanted to share my new lazy copy-pasted MSN post with the world.

  107. badgermadge Says:

    i liked the prog. glad cats rule in the end.

  108. badgermadge Says:

    *can’t be arsed*

  109. Napoleon Says:

    That made a shitload of sense, you bastard thief bastard. I can’t believe I’ve been plagiarised before I’ve even hit the big time (A-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA). If you become successful through this, I’m suing you, Wagonwheel. Thief swine!

  110. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Hopefully I’ll continue to update my tittle tattle blog under my other alias, Shitbagger, without the effort of having to do it myself.

  111. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t want a world ruled by cats, Badger. Cats are shits. I’ll take monkey men – that world looks fun.

    For other monkeys, like. Not so much humans … but then we won’t be … oh fuck that.

  112. badgermadge Says:

    What about Badgers…?

  113. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Badgers have been terribly cliché ever since the weeblsstuff animation.

  114. Swineshead Says:

    Ah – Badger – did you want to do an Indiana Jones review?
    I saw 50 minutes of it at the weekend then switched off in a huff.
    I’m not letting that JQW do a review of it as he’s got too many blogs to do as it is and he’s always rude to me.

  115. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Once a thing goes viral, its images are dead forever.

  116. Swineshead Says:

    Ah – and now, BM, JQW has been rude to you. Isn’t he clever?

  117. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    You’re just scared, SH. Scared!

  118. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t mind a world ruled by Badgers.

    Indiana Jones was alright. That’s MY review.

  119. Swineshead Says:

    Yes. Yes, I am scared, JQW. Not bored. No.

  120. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    As my GCSE Physics teacher used to say: “Only boring people get bored.”

    He is 48 and goes to metal gigs to punch people.

  121. Swineshead Says:

    Someone let me know when JQW says something interesting.

  122. piqued Says:

    I’m seeing Ministry tonight, if I see a physics teaching I’m going to smash his face off then push my front wink into his nick

  123. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    It’s not going to happen, let’s be honest.

  124. piqued Says:

    I meant ‘teacher’ of course -I got all carried away at the the thought of bum

  125. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Ministry haven’t branched out into the educational sphere yet then?

  126. badgermadge Says:

    Who is this JQW fellow and why does he hate Badgers so? He’s clearly a buffoon.

    Have already done an Indy rev (see my blog *ding*) and have also put a positive spin on Life Without People, so check dat while yer at it like (if you can’t be arsed: Oy loiked eeeet).

  127. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Nice to see I’ve made an impression in the last few months.

  128. badgermadge Says:

    you do look like simon amstell…

  129. Napoleon Says:

    It’s old news in my world. Life After People was shown so long ago, some of the facts in the first twenty minutes are now out of date. You people need to step up and keep up. Motherfuckers. Yeah? Motherfuckers.

  130. Swineshead Says:

    I’ll check your blog BM… why doesn’t it update in my google reader?

  131. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I really don’t.

  132. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve got some sort of crappy Vista sidebar widget reader thing that only updates when it feels like it. Apparently there’s a gay bloke in Piqued’s office wot keeps looking at him, according to my reader.

  133. badgermadge Says:

    yeah you do. a bit. not as flappy lipped.

  134. Napoleon Says:

    You look like him in your photos. An uglier Simon Amstell. Simon Amstell as he would look in the throes of a painful anal spasm.

  135. badgermadge Says:

    if we were facebook friends you’d be updated asap. or i could just keep plugging away here annoyingly thusly…

  136. Swineshead Says:

    I think we are facebook friends.

    Yes – by all means plug away. It’s ‘link-sharing’ after all.

    *toddles off to BMTV*

  137. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Well if that’s the case, NC rather resembles an anally-spasming Gary Sinise.

  138. badgermadge Says:

    What an attention seeker! “Ooooh look at how much I *don’t* look like Amstell” (you homophobe)

    Quote of the day off the lunchtime news:
    Footie fan: “The prize of my season ticket has doubled in the last year. Now, I don’t know what percentage that is, but it’s pretty hefty…”

    This is why I hate footie.

  139. Mikey Says:

    I have started a blog. It’s not very good though.

  140. John Q Wagonwheel Says:


  141. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Good quotation, by the way.

  142. Napoleon Says:

    That bloke off of Forrest Gump? I always saw myself as uglier than him, even if he were to spasm anal-wise. Anyway, I look like a dirty waiter, or, at a pinch, an Italian kiddie-fiddler. Sinise looks more like a low-level drug dealer with a bad squint.

    My teeth are a lot worse than his too.

  143. badgermadge Says:

    Are we really delving into this again? Because then I’d have to start spouting off about my Brucey chin and Cherie-Blair-smile. Please. No more misery!

  144. Swineshead Says:

    BM –
    You hate football because someone can’t do maths?
    That’s illogical.

    And you’re female, you’re not meant to like football – so keep it up.

  145. Napoleon Says:

    I’d say Badger hates football because she’s a woman too. All women hate football. That’s not sexist, that’s a fact.

  146. Mikey Says:

    Not true..I know some women who like football (they go on about players legs) and some who play. (I go on about the players legs and boobs).

  147. badgermadge Says:

    i hate football but i hate football even more because *generalisation* the quote above epitomises the fans (for me).

    plus i hate it because i *have* to take a mild interest in it for work. boo.

  148. Swineshead Says:

    It’s not sexist in the slightest.

    If men don’t like football and rage about how much they hate it (like Piqued) then they missed the stage of development in the womb where a fanny becomes a ball bag and that is an undisputed scientifical fact.

  149. Napoleon Says:

    What flowers do they traditionally lay on a coffin at a funeral?

  150. Mikey Says:

    You gotta agree though, double the price in a year for a season ticket. That’s alot (100% inflation). Which team was that?

  151. Napoleon Says:

    I agree with Swineshead here.

  152. Swineshead Says:

    Anyone who goes to the matches without free tickets is an arse. It’s on the bloody TV. If you haven’t got Sky, go to the pub and you can drink while you watch it rather than stand around in a tee-total environment that’s halfway to being an airport.

  153. Mikey Says:

    Not all matches are on the TV.

  154. Swineshead Says:

    Lilies? Not sure.

  155. Swineshead Says:

    Well, being an Arsenal fan, most matches are on the TV.

    SO I WIN. Which only slightly compensates for not getting any silverware this year. Bastards.

  156. Napoleon Says:

    I think lillies, but someone’s tellin’ me roses.

    I like drinking and watching football. Up here you can also drink and watch cricket and rugby in boozers. I don’t like rugby, yet choose to watch it and drink. I’d watch ping-pong if they put it on Sky Sports in a pub.

  157. badgermadge Says:

    Mikey – it was one of the teams that have just been opposite-of-relegated. Promoted?

    Napoleon – you give lillies as condolence but I always thought you could put whatever flower you/the dead person liked on the coffin.

    If I were a real man (instead of a fake one, or a woman) I’d go to the pub to watch footie. Like you say, you can drink, have a fag and chat with your mates. Plus it’s warmer and that. And there might be a fit bar maid or something.

  158. Mikey Says:

    The schizophrenic Arsenal fan. In the George Graham days, gooners would say it is the result counts. In the Arsene Wenger days it is the style of football that counts.

  159. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Whichever flowers are on offer at Texaco.

  160. Napoleon Says:

    Not in the pubs I drink in, Badger. All the barmaids have either got faces like a slapped arse, or are over eighty with giant udders. The missus discourages hostelries with fit barmaids, as I have a roving eye. Understandable, I suppose.

  161. Mikey Says:

    The only prob with watching down the pub, as happened last Wednesday with extra time and penalties is you get shitfaced!

  162. Mikey Says:

    Quite fit barmaids down my local.

  163. badgermadge Says:

    not sure we have barmaids in bath. we have beverage professionals what come to your table and take your order…

    is two packets of quavers too many for one day? *burp*

    JQW – I’m thinking of calling a truce. After all you’re a young little thing and I liked your Lib Dem posters. But this badger hatred. It’s just not on…

  164. Swineshead Says:

    The barmaid at my local is a middle aged irishman called Billy. Occasionally the owner’s wife gets roped in for a shift – she’s in her 70s.

  165. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Agreed, BM. Incidentally, it’s depressing that it takes 5 minutes to do a better-produced image than anything the party actually uses.

  166. Mikey Says:

    “come to your table and take your order…”

    That’s not a pub!!!

  167. badgermadge Says:

    Swines: does Billy have big boobs?

    And when did my icon go back to normal?

  168. badgermadge Says:

    Mikey – that was my point. It’s Bath. Do keep up 😉

  169. Mikey Says:

    I am a bit slow!

  170. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve never seen Billy’s boobs, Badger. The spilsport tends to wear Top Man shirts buttoned to the collar. He’s a gent though, delivers beer to those too old to make it to the bar without a lot of bother and kicks me out when I’ve had too many.

  171. Swineshead Says:


  172. Napoleon Says:

    I think the word you’re looking for there is ‘udders’, Badger. Past a size DD, they cease to be tits, boobs, knockers or floury baps, and become instead the dreaded udder of legend.

  173. badgermadge Says:

    apologies mikey. i didn’t realise you had learning difficulties. i’m always putting my foot in it like that.

    past dd? bloody hell, mine are smaller than that and i think they’re rather uddersome. anyway, can men have udders?

    and can someone answer my quavers question? they’re only 1.5 points on weight watchers, but maybe two in a day is quite bad.

  174. Mikey Says:

    One pack of Quavers is enough.

  175. Napoleon Says:

    Men can have massive udders, Badger. See: Manning, Bernard, Smith, Cyril, etc.

  176. Mikey Says:

    Swines, Apprentice review nice and prompt tomorrow please!
    Supercars. Hope this does not catch out Lucinda.
    Come on Lucinda.

  177. Napoleon Says:

    I still reckon THE MCQUEEN is going to win. Unless he gets fired, in which case I’m going to deny what I’ve just written.

  178. badgermadge Says:

    Is Lucinda the crazy mad one? Her to win. Or LEE. I don’t really care any more tbh. Alex is fit tho *giggles*

  179. Swineshead Says:

    I swear it was me who started typing LEE MCQUEEN in capitals. Should’ve copyrighted that bastard.

    I’ll try to be prompt but I can’t write it into the night like that workshy bastard Collins.

  180. Mikey Says:

    Is Lucinda the crazy mad one? (That does not narrow it down!)

    Yes, the one who is a bit of a technophobe. I have gotten to like her quite alot.

  181. Swineshead Says:

    Lucinda is the one who wears a raspberry beret. The kind you find in a second hand store.

  182. Mikey Says:

    Yes it was you who coined LEE.

  183. Mikey Says:

    I can’t see LEE winning. Come on, you know he’s going to lose it at some point.

  184. Mikey Says:

    “The kind you find in a second hand store”.

    Or a posh Paris boutique!

  185. Swineshead Says:

    It’s a tough call. Who knows what goes through Sugar’s mind?
    Not only is he a thatcherite Spurs supporter, he also manafactured the email phone. He’s clearly not the best business mind, so he’ll probably hire Helene.

  186. Mikey Says:

    Don’t forget the Amstrad Word Processor. That caught on…..

  187. Napoleon Says:

    Pat on the back there for the Prince reference. And damn you also for putting that bastard tune in my head.

  188. Swineshead Says:

    Someone mentioned it on the Guardian blog so in the spirit of the internet, I’m ‘aving it. Great tune, especially when hummed.

  189. Napoleon Says:

    That’s debatable. I never liked Prince. I like Jimmy Nail, his crocodile shoes, and the fact there ain’t no doubt that a woman like that is too good for him. THAT’S PLAIN TO SEE, DAMN IT.

  190. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I swear it was Clarry who coined LEE MCQUEEN. she was pleased with it.

  191. Swineshead Says:

    That’s quite a flippant swear you done there.

  192. Swineshead Says:

    Unimportant, but it was me.


  193. Napoleon Says:

    By his own admission, Jimmy’s ‘a fooooool’. You have to admire a man who’s prepared to admit his flaws.

  194. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Fair enough.

  195. Swineshead Says:

    It is fair enough that Jimmy’s so candid about his foolishness.

    JQW – let’s bum.

  196. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I’ve got diarrhoea, but sure.

  197. Clarry Says:

    Yeah, it was SH wot dun it, so you (JQW) clearly made that bit up about me being pleased with it.

    I’m still gutted about Raef, so might watch tonight with my arms crossed and in a sulk in protest. I want LEE or Lucinda to win now. Sophocles needs killing – I don’t buy this thing about Sir Alan seeing himself in him (oo-er, sounds a bit rude!). It’s a bloody fix!

  198. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I recall you saying something along the lines of ‘LEE MCQUEEN, I like that, I shall use it more often’. That or I made it up.

  199. Clarry Says:

    You should ask Sharon, she is the leading authority on what people have said.

  200. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    But she’s not here. I want Sharon.


  201. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Why when they do these ‘what if’ shows it’s never anything fun? How about ‘what if there were a group of gorgeous people who came to earth and had group orgies in the grounds of Buckingham Palace? It could look something like this…..’

    Wouldn’t even need CGI, just some Hollyoaks actors and a camera.

  202. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Is this a record for comment numbers?

  203. Swineshead Says:

    It’s a hell of a lot, eh?

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  205. mariko Says:

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