Flight of the Living Dead (Plane Dead)

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Flight of the Living Dead

I love zombie films, me. They don’t scare me, but I can’t think of anything more horrific. You want ‘horror’? Think about it, re-animated rotting corpses walking about, and in some recent cases; running. Think about the smell. Zombie Diaries wasn’t the best zombie flick I’ve seen but I liked the idea and one thing they got spot on (I imagine, I’ve never seen a zombie holocaust in real life) was the horrible buzzing of all flies when the living dead are bumbling about like walking sides of off beef.

I’m no zombie flick aficionado though, there’s plenty of those on this very blog…and I’d like them to email me with a list of recommended zombie films please. I’ve seen the obvious ones (Dawn of, Day of, etc etc) and some were good, some were bad. The remake of Dawn of the Dead fr’example, ace. Some were shit; 28 Weeks Later; big let down after 28 Days Later. I know some people don’t consider the “28” series to be proper zombies and that but I’m including them anyway. Not to is just too nerdy for me.

Anyway, in my quest to find good zombie movies to watch I’ve seen some fucking turkeys, let me tell you. You know the ones, the strange, lazy hybrid ones where people have made a shit film and haven’t even bothered with a title… “Dawn of the Living Dead” remains unwatched on my shelf six months after I bought it for £1.99 in Sainsbury’s. My brother, 13 years my junior saw it in my collection and said “you’re not seriously going to watch that piece of shit are you?” in such a sneering tone I took his word for it and haven’t bothered. Actually, I didn’t really need to take his word for it. It’s called Dawn of the Living Dead for fuck’s sake. Anything that splices the titles from successful films together and costs less than two quid can’t be good. Like cheap porn…don’t fucking bother.

Anyway, there I was the other night in Blockbuster with my girlfriend. She wanted to get a movie to watch with her son that night and I was on the verge of getting that Will Smith movie that’s just out on DVD, the one where he’s the last man alive or something. I’ve not seen it so thought I might as well…I Am Legend, that’s the fucker. Just as I was going to get it I suddenly saw a DVD looking at me from the cheap-as-shit shelf. My girlfriend had just selected Lake Placid 2 on the basis that the first one was shit but made her laugh (it’s awful apparently, so don’t get it) and I thought “what the fuck eh? I mean, what could go wrong with a film called FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD?”

What indeed.

It’s mind bendingly awful. Don’t watch it. Please God don’t watch it. This contains spoilers, and since you really don’t want to see this movie it doesn’t matter. I’ll make it briefer than my last review.

Flight of the Living Dead (Outbreak on a Plane) has a fairly simple plot. No it doesn’t actually, it’s got a fucking simple plot. There’s this 747 right, and it’s flying from the States to Paris. Brilliant. Some scientists have put ‘something’ in the hold. Gasp, what could go wrong?! Here’s the main players:

  • Pilot: Old, it’s his last ever flight! (he’s fucked then)
  • Co-pilot: quite handsome in a B-Movie kinda way. He dies, which surprised me.
  • A cop with a prisoner handcuffed to him: They tend to crop up in most air disaster movies don’t they. It’s ok, the prisoner is a good egg really. And the only person in the film worth watching because the others are so shit.
  • Two couples of teenagers. The girls are both slags and the boys are both jocks. So they’re zombie fodder.
  • Three scientists: All dodgy, the leader’s the worst. Munch munch.
  • A nun. Fucking EVERY time…nuns infest the air.
  • A black golf pro and his arsey missus. We know he’s a golf pro because he’s brought his fucking putter on the plane to polish. For about eight hours!
  • Some air hostesses. The slutty ones die first of course.
  • A weird bloke, who, fuck me, turns out to be a bit of a saviour.
  • A zombie who kicks off and turns everyone else into zombies.

You can fill in the rest yourself. It’s utter shit. Yeah anyway, like, the zombie shit kicks off and there’s all these zombies multiplying and coming through the floor of the plane and that, and there’s blood and shit everywhere, and people don’t die very convincingly. Oh, and you’d think people would be able to act like zombies at least. They can’t.

I’m a bit of a stickler about how my zombies behave. They either shuffle along moaning quietly a-la George A Romero, or go run-around apeshit like the remake of Dawn of the Dead. These ones sort of try being fast zombies but they’re not nuts enough, and they hiss a lot. Hiss. Zombies don’t fucking hiss! I’ve never even seen a real zombie and I know they don’t hiss!

Anyway, take it from me, it’s utter shit and if you go and watch it it’s not my fault. I’ll save you the effort; the last survivors are the cop, the criminal (who can sort of fly a plane), the main hostess who wasn’t slutty so didn’t die, and the weird bloke who turned out to be an air marshal. The black golf pro nearly made it but he and his wife sacrificed themselves like the heroes they were. The plane crashes in a desert near a small town and the survivors walk off laughing and joking…only to be followed by loads of zombies what survived the crash! Thus leaving room for a sequel which I’m betting is never ever made.

Please, somebody (that’s you Swineshead) put a list of decent zombie movies on the reply section because I’ve watched all the Romero ones and very little else satisfies…and I’m sure there’s loads I’ve not seen.

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34 Responses to “Flight of the Living Dead (Plane Dead)”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    Firstly – Blockbuster are evil, aren’t you signed up to Lovefilm? They’re not perfect but it’s cheaper and easier.

    Secondly, there aren’t really any good zombie films. That’s the first hurdle you have to jump. Even Romero’s films have their fair share of wooden acting. But I reckon it’s worth watching a little bit of rubbish pap so long as you see some flesh getting ripped apart. And I’m not an expert on the genre by any means as there is so much shit made in this area it’s impossible to trawl through.

    Bearing this in mind, apart from Romero (and off the top of my head) you could try:

    Evil Dead 1&2 (strictly not zombies, but they’re still pretty similar despite all the levitation)
    Zombie Flesh Eaters (a zombie fights a shark – that’s reason enough)
    Dawn of the Dead remake (though running zombies still piss me off)
    The Dead Next Door (zero budget film that’s actually pretty bloody good)
    Erotic Nights of the Living Dead (just out of curiosity)
    Return of the Living Dead (dreadful attempt at horror comedy that I actually really enjoyed)
    Zombie Holocaust (worth watching just because the hero is exactly like James Hewitt)
    Night of the Comet (haven’t seen it since I was eight, but at that age it was the bollocks)
    Pet Semetary (you must’ve seen it… )
    ReAnimator (no hoardes of zombies but a lot of finger chewing fun)
    Cannibal Holocaust (they’re not zombies at all but the principle is exactly the same)
    ‘Rec’ (not seen it yet – apart from a quarter of it without subtitles – but it looks fucking great)
    Braindead (by him what did King Kong – kiwi zombies)
    Bad Taste (not exactly zombies – but hoardes of humanoid aliens. In New Zealand, again)
    Black Sheep (zombie sheep – in New Zealand)
    Dead Meat (zero budget – and not bad considering. Nice little oddity)

    Also, Piqued and his brother got me into films by Lucio Fulci who was the Italian equivalent of Romero – obsessed by zombies. His films are shit but have heinous zombie deaths so are worth watching.

    Now – half of those above are borderline unwatchable, so good luck. I reckon zombie films should be watched when you’re off your nut, so you can just enjoy the carnage.

  2. only the best movies Says:

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  3. Swineshead Says:

    I agree with the second response.

  4. Jamie Says:

    Not technically zombies I guess but I do love 28 days later, great soundtrack also.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    28 Days Later was great. But you’re right, they’re not zombies. And it started the trend of the running undead, which is a cancer upon the sub-genre. So curses to Danny Boyle.

  6. Jamie Says:

    You mean the mental, beast-like, spitting blood crazy ‘let’s ‘ave it’ type undead, continued in I Am Legend? Although I don’t know what they are really in that one, that film doesn’t make sense.

    I think the film was just an excuse for Will Smith to fulfill his contractual obligation to ‘save the world’ every 3 films or so.

  7. Jamie Says:

    I’m guessing you mean the crazy, part-beast, spitting blood, mental running zombies, also seen in I Am Legend? (Well kinda, I don’t know what they are in that one, it doesn’t really make sense but ah well.)

    I think I Am Legend was just an excuse for Will Smith to fulfill his contractual obligation to ‘save the world’ every 3 films or so.

    SPOILER – Plus it ends with a kind of ‘everything’s ok now’ without explaining HOW they plan to sort the undead problem out. At all.

  8. Jamie Says:

    I’m guessing you mean the mental, blood spitting, very fast, frenzied zombies? Also featured in I Am Legend…..well kind of, I don’t know what they are in that film, doesn’t make any sense anyway.

    I think I Am Legend was just an excuse for Will Smith to fulfill his contractual obligation to ‘save the world’ every 3 films or so.

    Also I Am Legend has a bizarre ending that’s supposed to give you the feeling of ‘everything’s alright now’ without explaining at all how they plan to deal with the undead hordes. At all.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Three variations on one comment, Jamie – I like it!

    I heard about the trite ending to IAL and, to be honest, if you’ve read the book and can get over the bastardisation of a great novel I think you can probably live with a saccharine ending. I’m doing my best to undermine the efforts of the movie makers by watching it on my ipod, on the bus. That’ll piss ’em off.

  10. george Says:

    Zombie Flesh easters, now that’s a film.

    Might I suggest that if you like both Zombies and HARD ROCK, then you might want to rent HARD ROCK zombies as it’s so shit it’s probably the best satire of American cinema I’ve ever seen.

  11. Jamie Says:

    I’m guessing you mean the mental, blood spitting, very fast, frenzied zombies? Also featured in I Am Legend…..well kind of, I don’t know what they are in that film, doesn’t make any sense anyway.

    I think I Am Legend was just an excuse for Will Smith to fulfill his contractual obligation to ‘save the world’ every 3 films or so.

    Also I Am Legend has a bizarre ending that’s supposed to give you the feeling of ‘everything’s alright now’ without explaining at all how they plan to deal with the undead hordes. At all.

  12. Jamie Says:

    I’m guessing you mean the mental, blood spitting, very fast, frenzied zombies? Also featured in I Am Legend…..well kind of, I don’t know what they are in that film, doesn’t make any sense anyway.

    I think I Am Legend was just an excuse for Will Smith to fulfill his contractual obligation to ‘save the world’ every 3 films or so.

    Also I Am Legend has a bizarre ending that’s supposed to give you the feeling of ‘everything’s alright now’ without explaining at all how they plan to deal with the undead hordes. At all.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    I think Jamie has gone mad.
    JAMIE – PRESS F5!

  14. Clarry Says:

    What does F5 do? Does un-mental everything?

  15. Clarry Says:

    Maybe he’s been bitten and is one of them now….

  16. Mr Chipz Says:

    Jamie’s staggering around with one arm off and all blud down his shirt, occasionally hitting his keyboard thus resending the same fucking message again and again. Zombie CUNT.

  17. Dave Medlo Says:

    That’s a pretty comprehensive list there Swineshead – the only one no-one has mentioned yet is Shaun of the Dead, which is obviously fucking ace and been seen by every already – but I thought it deserved a nod.

    Have a gander at this:
    http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/nightofthelivingdead3d/trailer/

    This is what happens when you don’t renew your copyright notice – all manner of shit remakes trading on your name crop up. Just look at how they ‘modernise’ the infamous “I’m coming to get you Barbara” line.

  18. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Oh deary me, that looks awful. I had my worst fears confirmed with the text message moment.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    I can’t view that trailer at work… but I am excited about it as I will watch any old shit so long as it features the undead.

  20. Jamie Says:

    Sorry. PC went mental on me, was making it look like none of my posts were getting through. They DEFINITELY did though.

    Does anyone know where the ideas of ‘zombies’ originated from? And NO, I can’t be bothered to look it up on Wiki.

  21. Dave Medlo Says:

    “This is a new motion picture filmed in 3D that is a reimagining of the 1968 public domain motion picture “Night of the Living Dead.” George A. Romero is not affiliated in any way with this new film.”

    Hardly fills you with confidence does it?

    And Jamie, I believe the concept of zombies began when someone watched Weekend at Bernies and thought ‘what if that guy could actually walk…’ I might be wrong, but that’s what I think…

  22. Mr.Chipz Says:

    Zombies were first dreamt up as potential horror-fodder when George A Romero went into Iceland by mistake and saw the people what work there.

    He did a sick all on his shoe.

  23. Swineshead Says:

    To be serious for a moment, zombies actually exist. Sort of. Look up ‘Haitian zombies’. Except you probably can’t be arsed.

    Basically, and this is off the top of my head, it involves voodoo and leaves the infected in a state of half deadness for a few days. In that period they’re totally suggestive and don’t require food for sustenance (though that doesn’t mean they’re bodies aren’t breaking down from hunger).

  24. Mr.Chipz Says:

    Mr Swineshead is quite right. These Carribean Zombies sparked a whole load of 50s B-Movies if I recall, which in turn sparked the whole ‘living dead’ thing which is much MUCH better than ‘real’ Zombies.
    Zombies should shuffle along saying things like “Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh” and eating brains.

  25. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Shuffle’ being the operative word. The shouldn’t run, damn it. Because if they run the pace of the movie is fucked and it’s no longer about a lingering, lurking threat – it’s about a rapid destructive force. It’s like the difference between a.) avoiding nuclear fallout and b.) avoiding a hungry tiger.

  26. Clarry Says:

    SH – Are you an Haitian Zombie what has forgotton how to spell?

    Yes Zombies should shuffle, perhaps dragging one leg behind them. As SH says, if they are dead slow, then the director can cut back at least six times to the potential victim with a face full of fear scrabbling at the door trying to get away. Bits of body/skin should perhaps be hanging off and decomposing. And yes, they should definitely say ‘Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh’ and eat brains. The end.

    How would we categorise Alan Partridge’s creation in ‘I’m AP’?

  27. Swineshead Says:

    I’m not sure a zombie would be able to insist it was a zombie.

    (Pedant)

  28. Mr Chipz Says:

    Maybe it could sort of insist by having its jaw hanging by one hinge, eating brains and having flies buzzing all over it. I would quibble its zombie status if it did that.

    I’d ruuuuuuun!

  29. Swineshead Says:

    Surely that should be ‘all flies buzzing all over it’?

  30. Clarry Says:

    So what are we calling Alan’s creation? You know the one with a kettle flex as a tail, a shower curtain for a flap of skin and tungsten tipped screws for claws….

  31. Swineshead Says:

    I know what you mean Clarry – my point was he blew it when he shouted ‘I’m a zombie! I’m a zombie’ and therein lay the comedy, what I’ve just ruined.

  32. Clarry Says:

    Oh I see…. I’m not sure if WordPress is very well today, I thought maybe i’d missed some points or something. Brain v slow today.

    Poor Alan!

  33. Mr Chipz Says:

    You’re right of course. And the jaw should, technically, have been “all hanging off on one side”. Tsk…I let my own standards slip there.

  34. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Quiet day today, what?

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