I love zombie films, me. They don’t scare me, but I can’t think of anything more horrific. You want ‘horror’? Think about it, re-animated rotting corpses walking about, and in some recent cases; running. Think about the smell. Zombie Diaries wasn’t the best zombie flick I’ve seen but I liked the idea and one thing they got spot on (I imagine, I’ve never seen a zombie holocaust in real life) was the horrible buzzing of all flies when the living dead are bumbling about like walking sides of off beef.
I’m no zombie flick aficionado though, there’s plenty of those on this very blog…and I’d like them to email me with a list of recommended zombie films please. I’ve seen the obvious ones (Dawn of, Day of, etc etc) and some were good, some were bad. The remake of Dawn of the Dead fr’example, ace. Some were shit; 28 Weeks Later; big let down after 28 Days Later. I know some people don’t consider the “28” series to be proper zombies and that but I’m including them anyway. Not to is just too nerdy for me.
Anyway, in my quest to find good zombie movies to watch I’ve seen some fucking turkeys, let me tell you. You know the ones, the strange, lazy hybrid ones where people have made a shit film and haven’t even bothered with a title… “Dawn of the Living Dead” remains unwatched on my shelf six months after I bought it for £1.99 in Sainsbury’s. My brother, 13 years my junior saw it in my collection and said “you’re not seriously going to watch that piece of shit are you?” in such a sneering tone I took his word for it and haven’t bothered. Actually, I didn’t really need to take his word for it. It’s called Dawn of the Living Dead for fuck’s sake. Anything that splices the titles from successful films together and costs less than two quid can’t be good. Like cheap porn…don’t fucking bother.
Anyway, there I was the other night in Blockbuster with my girlfriend. She wanted to get a movie to watch with her son that night and I was on the verge of getting that Will Smith movie that’s just out on DVD, the one where he’s the last man alive or something. I’ve not seen it so thought I might as well…I Am Legend, that’s the fucker. Just as I was going to get it I suddenly saw a DVD looking at me from the cheap-as-shit shelf. My girlfriend had just selected Lake Placid 2 on the basis that the first one was shit but made her laugh (it’s awful apparently, so don’t get it) and I thought “what the fuck eh? I mean, what could go wrong with a film called FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD?”
It’s mind bendingly awful. Don’t watch it. Please God don’t watch it. This contains spoilers, and since you really don’t want to see this movie it doesn’t matter. I’ll make it briefer than my last review.
Flight of the Living Dead (Outbreak on a Plane) has a fairly simple plot. No it doesn’t actually, it’s got a fucking simple plot. There’s this 747 right, and it’s flying from the States to Paris. Brilliant. Some scientists have put ‘something’ in the hold. Gasp, what could go wrong?! Here’s the main players:
- Pilot: Old, it’s his last ever flight! (he’s fucked then)
- Co-pilot: quite handsome in a B-Movie kinda way. He dies, which surprised me.
- A cop with a prisoner handcuffed to him: They tend to crop up in most air disaster movies don’t they. It’s ok, the prisoner is a good egg really. And the only person in the film worth watching because the others are so shit.
- Two couples of teenagers. The girls are both slags and the boys are both jocks. So they’re zombie fodder.
- Three scientists: All dodgy, the leader’s the worst. Munch munch.
- A nun. Fucking EVERY time…nuns infest the air.
- A black golf pro and his arsey missus. We know he’s a golf pro because he’s brought his fucking putter on the plane to polish. For about eight hours!
- Some air hostesses. The slutty ones die first of course.
- A weird bloke, who, fuck me, turns out to be a bit of a saviour.
- A zombie who kicks off and turns everyone else into zombies.
You can fill in the rest yourself. It’s utter shit. Yeah anyway, like, the zombie shit kicks off and there’s all these zombies multiplying and coming through the floor of the plane and that, and there’s blood and shit everywhere, and people don’t die very convincingly. Oh, and you’d think people would be able to act like zombies at least. They can’t.
I’m a bit of a stickler about how my zombies behave. They either shuffle along moaning quietly a-la George A Romero, or go run-around apeshit like the remake of Dawn of the Dead. These ones sort of try being fast zombies but they’re not nuts enough, and they hiss a lot. Hiss. Zombies don’t fucking hiss! I’ve never even seen a real zombie and I know they don’t hiss!
Anyway, take it from me, it’s utter shit and if you go and watch it it’s not my fault. I’ll save you the effort; the last survivors are the cop, the criminal (who can sort of fly a plane), the main hostess who wasn’t slutty so didn’t die, and the weird bloke who turned out to be an air marshal. The black golf pro nearly made it but he and his wife sacrificed themselves like the heroes they were. The plane crashes in a desert near a small town and the survivors walk off laughing and joking…only to be followed by loads of zombies what survived the crash! Thus leaving room for a sequel which I’m betting is never ever made.
Please, somebody (that’s you Swineshead) put a list of decent zombie movies on the reply section because I’ve watched all the Romero ones and very little else satisfies…and I’m sure there’s loads I’ve not seen.