Britain’s Got Talent Live Final


Well, it’s over… after months of drawn out untalented humiliation this beefed up Opportunity Knocks has finally ended it’s 2008 run – just in time for the football and Big Brother to start. The auditions were, as usual, the only truly entertaining section as hoardes of delusional regionalists proudly offered themselves up to be mocked, booed and buzzed by a baying crowd of cackling misanthropes.

The semi-finals was an easy weeding of those who were only put through to be hate figures (a tone-deaf singing magic act, a senile keyboardist who covered Star Wars to make it more spacey) and those who showed a genuine talent. After months of audition they rushed these semi-finals through in a week, clearly aware that audience figures drop like flies once the tedious process of adulation and voting begins.

Piers Morgan, Amanda Holden and the ubiquitous Simon Cowell were our judges. Much has already been said about their questionable right to judge talent – particularly in Amanda’s case – so we shall skip right ahead to Saturday which was the final. These were the finalists:

The Cheeky Monkeys: The kind of kids potential parents fear having. These are all grinning, all dancing spangly visions of hell rolled into one cutesie dance act. High kicking and backflipping to the Grease soundtrack, they summed up all that is grotesque and perverse about parents forcing their kids into entertaining people. In 20 years time they’ll be like Quiz Kid Donnie Smith, cruising bars to find cheap smack.

Andrew Muir: the requisite cute boy singer gurned like Ruprecht from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels whilst murdering John Lennon’s Imagine, although a shorter version because, y’know, those songs about peace really are too long. Amanda thought it was great “like David Gray” whilst Simon and Piers chastised him for his choice of song. “It wasn’t my choice”, protested Andrew “I had no say in my choice of song” but his complaints were quickly hushed up.

Kate and Gin: a dog dancing act featuring a shut-in social pariah and her overly trained dog. It’s acts like this that make you truly weep inside – admirable only in the way that it must have taken her hours to do, the act however was neither entertaining nor satisfying. Just a little sad.

Nemesis: a street dance group that started impressively and steadily slid downhill the more routines they did. Much was made of them not having a rehearsal studio and using the Milton Keynes bus station instead. While they were admittedly impressive, they’re still basically an act that looked like it rehearsed in a bus station. Piers Morgan praised them for being outstanding examples of modern youth as the media was portraying them unfairly these days – a statement so hypocritical that it could only come from the former editor of a tabloid.

Strike: a martial arts act of which Amanda said “turned martial arts into entertainment”. Huh? What the fuck do the Shaolin Monks and Jackie Chan do then? They were impressive due to the fact that I can’t do high kicks, but it was like watching extras in a Jason Statham movie get it wrong. Amanda loved their ripped abs, though, and much was made of their ability to take their shirts off to sound effects.

Andrew Johnston: the sort of act that it seems unfair to include in these competitions because he’s so naturally talented. No matter how much work the other contestants put into their acts, few will be able to match the natural ability of this falsetto 12 year old. Unfortunately, his remarkable talent wasn’t enough for the producers and we were subjected to such overemoting about him being bullied at school for his voice that by the end you wanted to swipe the little fucker’s pocket money yourself.

George Sampson: another child entry, this time a teenage breakdancer who’d failed to make the grade last year but scraped through this time around. His routine was an admittedly very impressive sequence of fluid motion that only went wrong at the end when a poorly thought through section under a shower of water made it look like he was in remake of Flashdance.

Faryl Smith: a 12 year old singer who, much like Andrew Johnston, kind of made a mockery of the whole competition by being so preposterously naturally talented that everyone else paled in comparison. Simon was so besotted with her that you could actually see the pound signs flashing up in his eyes.

Escala: a quartet of high-class Nuts Magazine hotties who play string instruments in a really high-class hot way. They were the favourites to win on account of their incredible hotness and the fact that they were really good at what they do. Simon went a tad too far, claiming that they “turned classical music on its head” while simultaneously forgetting that Live and Let Die isn’t actually a classical track and that Vanessa Mae had ever existed.

Signature: an Indian Jay and Silent Bob whose Michael Jackson-themed dance routines were actually very charming and quite funny…

And the winner is… Simon Cowell!

Let’s face it – who really cares who gets to perform in front of Prince Charles when Cowell’s income for the next few years is at stake? Luckily he’ll be ok with Faryl Smith and Escala as his bread and butter, so watch out for albums from them in time for Christmas.

The real winner was George Sampson, the teenage breakdancer – and his victory was sweet and appreciated – the 14 year old being genuinely overwhelmed and very flattered with the honour. None of the bookies’ favourites made it into the top three, which makes you wonder if, with ITV’s reputation, they didn’t just decide it themselves.

Sampson’s career won’t last long because Cowell can’t push his single in 24 countries simultaneously, but he was a sweet kid and as deserving a winner as any of them I suppose.

And so the Cowell juggernaut thunders on – next week America’s Got Talent starts on ITV2 and the endless pursuit for fleeting fame continues…

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112 Responses to “Britain’s Got Talent Live Final”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    Enjoyed that review.

    I can’t actually sit through more than five minutes of Britain’s Got Talent. There’s even less point to it than Big Brother – and that’s saying something.

    Big Brother is an unapologetic freak show where the nuances of behaviour in idiots can be identified and deconstructed (and frequently misrepresented by sledgehammer heavy manipulation) – which is occasionally interesting, either as a very basic study of idiots or a very cynical study of how the editing suite works.

    BGT however is even worse than BB, and way more cynical. The idiots who line up for it genuinely believe it’s a talent contest when it’s clearly not.

    I’m not sure where I’m going with this comment and am beginning to think this is the behaviour of a man who is going to be attempting to justify V+ing Big Brother for the next million months.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Sorry to throw something unrelated into the mix – but the comments here have made my day… hilarious stuff.

    Hang on… it is satire, isn’t it?

  3. Louche Says:

    When they were announcing the finalists they cut to all the performers to see their nervous faces and for some reason they kept cutting to the dog involved in one of the acts which doesn’t have a clue what is going on.

    This made me do a laugh, more light entertainment shows should feature mildly confused dogs.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    It’s Me Or The Dog and Dog Borstal make their entire living off the ‘edited-in shot of confused dog’ angle.

  5. Louche Says:

    I love Dog Borstal, but only the first half when they are telling morons off for feeding their dogs candy floss* or banjos. Once the dogs start being good I lose interest.

    In It’s Me Or The Dog they really should have a third option of just putting the owner down for being so crap with a pet.

    *this actually happened in one I saw.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    I like it when people dance with dogs though. I’m turning into one of those people who has loads of rosettes in their spare bedroom.

  7. Louche Says:

    I wanted to get a load of rosettes made up with ‘CUNT’ on them so I could hand them out to deserving people on the street.

  8. Dave Medlo Says:

    “I wanted to get a load of rosettes made up with ‘CUNT’ on them so I could hand them out to deserving people on the street.”

    Just do what feels right, Louche. and make yourself feel good…

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Depends who you think the deserving individuals are really.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    On another note, I watched I am Legend and it wasn’t all that bad.
    Maybe I’m going soft.

    And speaking of deserted landscapes -where the fuck is everyone?

  11. goodbyetoallfat Says:

    I’m one of those sad people who watched BOTH of the Saturday talent shows (I’D Do Anything over on BBC1) and voted for both.

    Incidentally, my telephone vote during BGT was for George Sampson, the eventual winner, which I am delighted about. The reason I voted for him was that I could see that Cowell could already make a fortune from 3 of the acts: Escala, Faryl Smith, Andrew Johnston — he could take them into the recording studio tomorrow and start churning out the albums.

    George Sampson struck me as a more unusual talent, one of life’s uniquely determined triers and (arguably) more deserving of the exposure on the Royal Variety Show. Also, as a young, talented but untrained dancer I felt that he could really do with a scholarship or sponsorship to a dance academy.

    As for the Nancy’s on “I’d Do Anything” I’m afraid I also voted for the winner, Jodie Prenger, but my reason for doing that was slightly more personal: I actually know (slightly) Jodie Prenger. I attended a weight loss boot camp with her last year.

    Yes, some unkind bitchy folk may say that the boot camp did not work for either of us, but my reasons for “starting again” on my own weight loss campaign are complex (they will be detailed eventually in my own blog).

    And Jodie has personally decided that she is happier at size 14-16 than she was at either size 28 or size 10, so that is her choice.

    So, there you go, I am a sad sausage who watched both talent shows and spent loadsawonga on my phone bill voting for the acts which won, but someone had to.


  12. Swineshead Says:

    Sharon – we are all sad sausages in our own way.

  13. Napoleon Says:

    I had no idea it was possible to ‘murder’ a waffling bit of claptrap like ‘Imagine’. Even a Clive Dunn version wouldn’t do it any ‘arm, as far as I can see.

    Anyway, the spaz-kid dancer wot won it has some sort of spine problem. So he shouldn’t have won. The dog should have won. Just the dog, not his master.


  14. Dave Medlo Says:

    Hi Sharon, welcome to the fold…
    Never seen I’d Do Anything – part of it is the title, make it sound like even more of the exploitation fest I imagine it to be, but the main problem is the combination of musicals and the duo of pug faced lotharios Webber and Barrowman…

  15. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t understand how the BBC are getting away with I’d Do Anything and those other ones they’ve put on. Aren’t they just two month long adverts for forthcoming Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals? I thought there was rules against that sort o’ thing?

  16. Swineshead Says:

    Aaaah – Barrowman. He’s like a gay Tom Cruise.


  17. Napoleon Says:

    The bugger’s all over the place. Why? Who is he?

  18. Swineshead Says:

    He’s Torchwood. Apart from that, no idea. I don’t even watch Doctor Who, let alone Torchwood.

    Doctor Who is and always has been rubbish.

  19. Swineshead Says:

  20. Napoleon Says:

    I’d agree on the Doctor Who front. A waste of BBC money they could be spending on I’ve Got A Fat Dog and Dog Prison and the like. AND the bloke wot plays Doctor Who looks like he’s got terminal cancer.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    David Tennant? He’s alright. But Doctor Who is crap. But it sells in the U.S. so is actually probably good for BBC profits.

    Badger madge loves the Dr Who so prepare for a slapping when she turns up.

    I just ate some Monster Munch. What happened to the beef Monster Munches?

  22. Dave Medlo Says:

    The Beef Monster Munch were taken from you in advance of saying bad things about Dr Who. Shame on you, shame on you, shame on you!

    Yes, it was a bit rubbish in the 80’s and the black and white years are a bit old for us all to appreciate it properly, but these new incarnations are great – good, solid, decent family entertainment – but gross, but funny and sometimes a bit shite, but compare it to something like the Invisibles or, dare I mention, Phoo Action and it’s a positive masterpiece…

  23. Dave Medlo Says:

    …that should be “bit funny, bit gross…”

  24. Napoleon Says:

    Wot Dave’s just said up there is bullshit. Doctor Who was shite in the 80s, and is still just as shite now. Trust an American to fail to identify crap drama when he sees it – that’s what happens when you grow up on a diet of Highway To Heaven, The Waltons and The Fall Guy. Idiot.

    I’ve never forgiven the buggers for getting rid of the beef flavour Monster Munch. Nor for changing the texture of the Munch to a grainy corn feel. They used to have the texture of Space Raiders – not any more. THE BASTARDS!

  25. Swineshead Says:

    Whilst not an idiot, Medlo is bang wrong. AGAIN.
    Doctor Who is a pile of shit. It’s for kids and idiots.
    Actually… that makes NC right. You are an idiot.

    Slagging the Apprentice but digging Doctor Who? It’s incredible.

    Monster Munch are rubbish these days. Space Raiders on the other hand – they’re brilliant and cheap. Plus there’s the added excitement of not knowing whether you’ll get a stale bag.

    See also: Transform-a-snack

  26. Dave Medlo Says:

    Nothing like a snack based debate to invoke ill feeling and ire…

    Phoo Action. Watch it. Then you’ll see Doctor Who in a whole new light. You think fantasy TV is bad now? This is what Doctor Who could have been…

  27. John A Thomson Says:

    Junk food for the eyes! Can’t stand it, don’t want to watch it, rather not have it on the TV full stop.

    … and that’s all I’ve got to say on that.

  28. Napoleon Says:

    I think Fantasy TV’s bad all the time, whatever it is. Bloody Americans.

    I’d add Quarterbacks to that list. The cheeseburger flavour.

  29. Dave Medlo Says:

    Succinct and to the point, John – something the rest of us have yet to master…

  30. piqued Says:

    Isn’t ‘Britain’s got Talent’ an Oxymoron?

  31. Napoleon Says:


  32. Swineshead Says:

    In the context of the show, Piqued, yes. Good point.

    Medlo’s gone a bit snotty. It’s not nice to witness.

    Doctor Who is for kids and idiots, I’ll maintain that to my dying day.
    And surely fantasy TV is that encoded stuff on the channels at the end of the channel menu?

  33. Clarry Says:

    My favourite act out of the auditions was Animagique, a tragic magic act who may have faired better if they’d have attempted to escape out of the 80s, the decade in which they appear to be trapped.

  34. Napoleon Says:

    The missus won’t let me watch that stuff. Spoilsport.

    I completely agree that Doctor Who is for kids and idiots. The same applies to Star Wars – great to watch as a kid, but if you’re still watching it as a grown-up, you’re an idiot. This rule also applies to The Goonies, and every teen film made in the 80s.

  35. Clarry Says:


  36. Napoleon Says:

    That was just a workhouse Siegfried & Roy.

  37. Clarry Says:

    Yes, I know and they’re fucking awful. And they used shit animals.

  38. Swineshead Says:

    NC – that’s where you’re wrong. Breakfast Club and Weird Science break the rule. But that’s probably nostalgia talking.

    I didn’t watch any of B’sGT but having a look at Clarry’s link led me to this…

    …and there’s nowt wrong with that.

  39. Clarry Says:

    She was better in the auditions though, as by the finals she had lost weight and wasn’t quite as intriguingly wobbly.

  40. Napoleon Says:

    The Breakfast Club? Gah! Awful film filled to the brim with actors who can’t act. The only other example of a film from the 80s with worse performances than The Breakfast Club was Young Guns. Tripe.

    Weird Science was alright if you were male, a child, and obsessed with Kelly Le Brock. Still rubbish, mind.

  41. Swineshead Says:

    Barn owls aren’t shit.

    So was that link the finals or the auditions?
    I want to see the wobbly version.

  42. Napoleon Says:

    Barn owls are a bit shit. I like them big owls with the tufts. You see ’em in prison in city centres sometimes. Forget the name of ’em. Tufty Owls? No.

  43. Swineshead Says:

    I was all three of those things, NC, as well you know.

    As for Breakfast Club, what can I say? It’s ill conceived ‘message’ and unrealistic portrayal of teenage concerns resonated with the part of my brain that took itself way too seriously (about 90% of it)

  44. Swineshead Says:

    Tawny owls, maybe. They are great. I like my owls.

  45. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Doctor Who is getting churned out by the BBC because a high-up boss-woman producer whose name I shall omit liked it as a kid. It’s causing loads of great scripts and projects to be caught up in the works. For example, if Doctor Who were not sapping the BBC’s budget with its failed attempts at looking flashy and fancy, I know for a fact that we’d be seeing a Marvin Gaye 3-part biopic starring Samuel L. Jackson.

    But Doctor Who sells – it sells to depressing old fat fuck nerds and young obsessive nerds, the type that talks about implausible aliens and characters like real people. Idiots, basically. And kids.

  46. Swineshead Says:

    So, JQW – Doctor Who is sapping the BBC’s budget.
    But it also sells.

    Make your fucking mind up!

  47. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    It sells, so they plow the cash into more Doctor Who and its equally shit spin-off, Torchwood.

  48. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Also, we have a Little Owl in the garden here. It hoots.

    Anyway, I’m ill so I’m going to go and dose myself up to the eyes on ibuprofen.

  49. Dave Medlo Says:

    Now Torchwood… that was shit, and regretfully brings us back to Barrowman. Are they doing a Doctor Who spin-off with his daughter as well? That’d be bobbins to…

    A 3 part Marvin Gaye biopic starring Samuel L Jackson would be incredible… maybe Doctor Who’s profits should pay for it, not sap it…

  50. Napoleon Says:

    I think you might be right with Tawny Owls. Probably.

    Doctor Who would come off second best against Clubber Lang if he found himself going back in time to Rocky III. He’d also come up short against The Wild Geese. He’s weak is what he is. Weak and looks like he’s got himself a touch of The Cancer.

  51. Swineshead Says:

    After a dose of ibuprofen you’ll be able to take on the world.

  52. Napoleon Says:

    Unlike Doctor Who. That shabby little man.

  53. Swineshead Says:

    As would Doctor Who, despite his cancer

  54. Clarry Says:

    I don’t think owls are shit at all, but they are a bit lame if you want the wow factor for your crummy magic act. For that you need albino tigers and lions and stuff not a parrot and a barn owl. Everyone knows that.

    If you want a great owl, check out Eagle Owls, they’re fooking massive.

  55. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    The script and Jackson himself have been working their way in circles round the BBC for 2 years now, trying to get made, but along with a whole load of other great stuff, it’s being blocked at every turn by Doctor Who and its Torchy minions.

    SH, I can no longer feel my legs. Think I’ll go and punch some policemen.

  56. Swineshead Says:

    Owls aren’t shit, and they also produce pellets. I bet you lot can’t emit pellets.

  57. Clarry Says:

    I never said they were shit SH, i’m saying they weren’t the best choice of animal for Animalgique.

    Check out eagle owls, they’re are enormous (and skill) and would kill everyone of us at will.

  58. Napoleon Says:

    Eagle Owls are big owls, but why not just go for an eagle? I like eagles better than owls. ‘Specially them American ones you see racists wear on their cowboy belt buckles.

    I don’t want to see Samuel L Jackson as Marvin Gaye. If I had to choose someone for the role, it’d be Black Belt Jones, not Jackson. BBJ could snap some serious neck in the 70s, so would be able to go Kung-Fu on his dad’s ass when the drunken old bugger turned on Marv with the shotgun. And I’d have Keith Carradine in it. And Eric Roberts.

  59. Clarry Says:

    N – I was just saying they were a good example of an owl as we were on the topic of owls. Eagles are good too.

    We went to the butterfly park at Long Sutton last year and they have an American Bald Eagle there. They let him out to fly in the display and he flew off. The keeper was like ‘Oh well, he’ll be back in a few days.’ Can you imagine sitting out in your garden and suddenly this massive bird swoops down and flies off with your cat/dog/small child?

  60. Napoleon Says:

    An eagle carrying off a child in the area of Long Sutton would be a good thing, Clarry. One less inbred Lincolnshire farm hand picking his nose next to a dyke, talking about onions to a clump of earth he’s mistaken for his father (a mental retard). A hearty meal for that eagle.

  61. Swineshead Says:

    I have been to that very buttefly farm (it houses Geoff Capes’ budgies)

  62. Napoleon Says:

    Capes crushes them budgies in his big hands. He used to buy bird food off of my ex-missus’s awful father (may he burn in Hell, etc.), and you could tell he used to crush ’em.

    Great big bushy beard he had.

  63. Swineshead Says:

    He was among the world’s strongest men, now he rears budgies. The big woofter.

  64. Clarry Says:

    He came to the gym where my husband used to work and shook his hand. Apparently they are like shovels, I pity the poor budgie that sits in his hand.

  65. Napoleon Says:

    I saw his hands at Truckfest in Peteborough. I can confirm they were big hands.

  66. Swineshead Says:

    Not as big as Alan Sugar’s hands, I’ll bet.

  67. Napoleon Says:

    Sugar? Nah, he’s got women’s ‘ands compared to your Capes. I’ll tell you another one who had big clodhopping paws – Big Daddy. I saw him buying sweets off of Sleaford market. Massive hands … ‘specially for a man with a woofter’s name.

    No offence to woofters, like.

  68. Swineshead Says:

    Was that in Gordon’s Sweet Shop in the Bristol Arcade?

    great days*

    *except they were shit

  69. Napoleon Says:

    No, it was the sweet stall on the market. Gordon’s was a great sweet shop. He sold sweets and everything.

  70. Jamie Says:

    Hmm again it’s made it look like my last post didn’t… I will trust that it will show up in due course….

  71. Jamie Says:

    Argh but that one did! Big balls. Fanny hair.

    In summation –

    I am Legend – Swineshead, what you think of the inconclusive ending?

    Monster Munch – Gone downhill. Only Flamin’ Hot still does it for me (<– sounds gay). Roast beef still available in multipacks.

    Doctor Who – Cack.

  72. Napoleon Says:

    I Am Legend was crap. It lost me after he strangled his dog. Bloody rubbish.

  73. Swineshead Says:


    I Am Legend… the ending was bearable. not as overtly Christian as I’d been led to believe. Annoying that they reversed the entire concept of the book to make a radical ending saccharine. Google ‘I Am Legend alternate ending’, however, and you’ll see what they wanted to release before studio meddling. I ain’t seen it yet, saving it for tonight.

    Roast Beef available in multipacks?!?

    *runs to supermarket*

  74. Louche Says:

    Dear ITV,

    Please can you give that belly dancing lady her own show. I would like to see her dance some more, also if you could film it outside in the rain that would be marvellous.

    All the best


  75. Napoleon Says:

    How was the lead character getting blowed up at the end ‘saccharine’? I don’t get it.

  76. Napoleon Says:

    Sorry, that contained spoilers.

  77. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    **Spoilers** like Napoleon:

    Yep, after the dog died it all turned girly i.e. Christian. That colony at the end was a terrible idea – in a couple of generations they’d all be dead from horrendous inbreeding.

  78. Napoleon Says:

    I watched The Day After Tomorrow again t’other day. It’s still as rubbish as it was the first time I done seed it in the cinema. Glad about that, as I was thinking of letting it off.

  79. Swineshead Says:

    Saccharine in that humanity survived. Have a look at the book and see which is sweeter.

  80. Swineshead Says:

    I did like the dog-strangling.

    And I didn’t think the zombie monsters were that bad – but I was watching on an iPod screen on a wobbly bus so I can’t really speak with any authority.

  81. Napoleon Says:

    And talking about ‘letting off’, I just have, and it fucking stinks. Imagine feeding a dog nothing but boiled eggs and cabbage for a month, then it farting. Mine’s worse than what you imagine that dog’s farts would smell like. Much worse. You’d think I’d been eating cat food, frankly.

  82. Swineshead Says:

    Congratulations, Napoleon.
    Three cheers.

    Anything good on TV tonight?

  83. Jamie Says:

    But Swineshead, the ending is a NON ending! It doesn’t end. What happens next? There’s still hordes of zombies, no? He didn’t have to blow himself up, no? Couldda just chucked the grenade in, no?

    I don’t get it.

  84. Napoleon Says:

    Thanks, Swineshead. I’m glad I’ve got your support when it comes to my bowels and their adventures.

    Jamie – It does end. That bit where it’s a black screen with all writing up it? That’s the end, right there.

  85. Swineshead Says:

    Are you talking about the book or the film, Jamie?
    The film has a weak end, the book has a mega end. The film’s ending was clearly forced through by producers – like I said the PROPER end can be found with a couple of clever googles.

  86. Napoleon Says:

    The end’s already there in the film. It’s at the end, just after the last bit. I don’t know the DVD timecode, but I’d say it’s around the two hour mark. Bloody rubbish film off of a bloody rubbish book.

  87. Swineshead Says:

    You haven’t read the book Napoleon, as it doesn’t contain true facts about soldiers and therefore is off your radar.

    No tits in I Am Legend, which was a shame.

  88. Napoleon Says:

    I have read the book, Swineshead. I’ll read any old shit, and that was a great steaming pile of shit, so it fits the criteria. Pulp fiction pap for idiots. The film was tripe as well.

    I’ve just watched that alternate ending, and that was shit as well. Wish I hadn’t bothered now.

  89. Jamie Says:

    I mean there’s no conclusion to the film. No third act.

    Film. Everyone does say the book is better.

  90. Louche Says:

    Better than norks?

  91. Napoleon Says:

    Tits are better than books. Unless they’re an old woman’s udders, or a flappy pair of 70s tits.

  92. george Says:

    So you lot only like something if it’s very high quality then? I think half (alright, all) the appeal of Dr. Who is that it’s cosy, middle of the road drama. Obviously, if somebody thinks it’s the pinnacle of western culture then they’re a bit thick, but liking something while acknowledging it’s a bit rubbish is surely a little bit redeeming?

  93. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t just like stuff of high quality. I like packet noodles, Razzle magazine and burgers off of funfair vans, for a start.

  94. Swineshead Says:

    By your own definition George, that means you’re watching it ironically.


    NC – I Am Legend (the book) is not shit – you are wrong.

  95. Swineshead Says:

    Razzle is pretty good quality – it’s class masquerading as filth.

    Whitehouse – now that’s bad quality.

  96. Napoleon Says:

    Do they still make Whitehouse? Blimey! I always saw that one as slightly classier than Fiesta, Razzle and Escort. I could be wrong.

    I’m not worng about I Am Legend (the book). That’s a rotten egg of a book. Rubbish. Not at all good. Bad, but not 1980s Michael Jackson bad – Michael Jackson bad after complaints had been raised.

  97. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t know what ‘worng’ means, so I dismiss you.

  98. Napoleon Says:


  99. Swineshead Says:


  100. Napoleon Says:

    You big-nosed shitheap. Up yours with your dismissals. That book was rubbish, and that’s the end of that.

  101. Swineshead Says:

    Ok – in your tiny mind, that’s the end of that.

    What’s for tea? Tuna and chips, I bet.

  102. george Says:

    Not exactly SH, to use an example, if I loved Topgun ( I don’t) but at the same time accepted it wasn’t a cinematic masterpiece, then there would be no ironic enjoyment there as Topgun was never written as a cinematic masterpiece, more as cinematic light entertainment. However, if I liked Topgun because of its homoerotic appeal (something that was most definitely not written as) that would be irony.

    I do see where you’re coming from, and I do like things in an ironic way though (I think we all do), I’m sorry if with my one show comments you thought I thought an ironic love of something made you an idiot. I’m crap at writing things down, so that’s my bad.

  103. Clarys Says:

    Erm, just in reference to the BGT bit, I thought George Sampson was brilliant to begin with, but then after about his millionth performance of the Singin’ in the Fookin’ Rain, he just looked messy and disjointed. A bit shit, frankly.

    The Nuts Classical Birds should have won. I would like to point out that a group called Bond were doing the whole fit-birds-do-classical thing way before them though, so they weren’t *that* original.

    Oh, and Doc Who is shit because Catherine “I’m not really funny, am I?” Tate is in it.

  104. Swineshead Says:

    It’s alright George, no offence taken. Doctor Who’s shit though. But not for the reason Clarys says – there are more reasons than that (though that’s a good place to start).

  105. Napoleon Says:

    What is this weird ‘liking things in an ironic way’ guff? I just like stuff, or I don’t. Where’s the irony come in?

  106. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t know, NC. George started it when we said we like The One Show. But his reasoning was shoddy and so I used it against him.

    Basically, I win everything and have proved I am right about everything today, including I Am A Legends.

  107. Napoleon Says:

    You’re not that right. I Am A Legend’s a worthless pile of tripe.

  108. george Says:

    Oh God yeah, Catherine Tate is just offensive.

  109. dave Says:

    The I Am Legend book is brilliant.

    What’s it got to do with a dancing child?

  110. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t know Dave, but we got there somehow.

  111. simone Says:

    THE BEST SHOW says Simon Cowel about America’s Got Talent!

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