The Friday Question: What’s the worst current TV show?


Shit on TV

There’s a load of shit to choose from… from reality television to soap operas, sensationalist documentaries and crappy soap operas. Wade through the effluents and pick your worst television output, then tell us all about it.

So – what’s the worst thing currently on TV?

What television programme makes you grit your teeth and shit blood every time the music pipes up? Ever smashed a TV screen in response to the opening titles?


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133 Responses to “The Friday Question: What’s the worst current TV show?”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    Lack of response = everything on TV is good.

  2. piqued Says:

    I’d say Big Brother. I’d say it was that.

    I really hate it you know. It’s awful. Awful

    (what the FUCK was that blind dude wearing, someone should’ve told him he looks like a class A prat… I hope he sits down to tinkle by the way)

  3. Swineshead Says:

    Big Brother’s shit. Just 16 fucktards in a house bitching monosyllabically…

    (I can’t believe the two nice blokes are comprised of a fucking albino and a frigging blind man. What’s this country coming to? That African bird’s nice)

  4. Napoleon Says:

    Hmm. Regional news shows tend to be universally bad, as are those occasional 7:30 p.m. regional magazine programmes. Obviously Big Brother’s the worst thing on TV – idiot televison for fuckwits, etc. – but apart from that, I’d say:

    The F Word
    Bargain Hunt (saw this the other day and that fucking man wot presents it made me roar poison at the TV)
    The Jeremy Kyle Show
    How To Look Good Naked (answer: have a decent figure, be young and attractive)
    The World’s So-&-So Man & Me (With that awful twat off of Balls of Steel)

  5. Louche Says:

    I hate The Invisibles.

    Also why is there a little face at the bottom of the screen when you post a comment?

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Mark Dolan is the man you refer to – he is a grade ‘A’ arsehole. Utter twat. He’s on the radio in the mornings occasionally talking to that twat Nick Ferrari – he’s a Daily Mail-championing Tory-boy twat. Not that he’s not allowed to be a tory, just that he fits the stereotype of toothy, gimpy little posh shitbag. He angers me. Balls of Steel is lower than low.

    And the F Word stinks. The opening title music sums it up:

    The F Word’s here and The F word’s bad.

    Regional news is bad in a nice way.

  7. Swineshead Says:

    I have no control over the little smiley face. Soz.

  8. Napoleon Says:

    That depends. The bright orange woman who presents it up here drives me up the wall.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    In cosmopolitan London asian ladies rule the regional news – and a baby-faced twerp with blonde spiky hair.

  10. Dave Says:

    It’s a knock-out competition littered with stupid, over-exposed, highly-paid arseholes dressed in stupid, bright-coloured attire, whom speak sentences no longer than 3 syllables.

    No, not Big Brother – The Euro ’08 Championships. LOL!

  11. Louche Says:

    Swineshead, now I think the little smiley face is mocking you.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – that joke fails as the the Big Brother contestants are all unpaid – aprt from one winner – who wins what a footballer would earn in a week. Nice try though.

    Louche. It just blew a kiss at me.

  13. Louche Says:

    A kiss? The cheating slut.

    I don’t like Loose Women very much either.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Does anyone under the age of 45 or male like the Loose Women abomination? I don’t reckon so.

  15. Dave Says:

    Wait, wait, wait there Swineshead. I don’t think you are giving my partial wit (or half-wit) the respect it deserves. A great proportion of BB contestants earn more than we would earn in a decade thanks mainly to PR and print media so, for that reason, it was a stunning satire worthy of giants.

  16. Napoleon Says:

    Loose Women is Britain’s only televised coven, as far as I know. Gossip and fishwifery made flesh. I’d have ’em all stuck in scold’s bridles and ducked in the village pond.

  17. Swineshead Says:


    Firstly, you misused ‘whom’ – which is bad enough.

    Then you referred to the housemates as ‘highly-paid arseholes’. This is wrong as while they are in the house they are unpaid. They also come from relatively normal backgrounds, so to speak. So they are not highly paid.

    As for money made after the show – that’s irrelevant to your lame joke as you’re talking about them while they’re in the house.

    You should’ve said ‘whingeing arseholes’ or ‘uneducated arseholes’. Then we’d all have guffawed rather than looking at our monitors, scratching our heads and thinking ‘this Dave’s a right bloody oaf’.

    Sorry to be a pedant, but you’re a racist.

  18. Louche Says:

    Dave – People on BB make far less than you think. The big people do okay, but the minor contestants would struggle to cover the time they spent in the house.

  19. Napoleon Says:

    Oh, he’s definitely a racist.

  20. Swineshead Says:

    I saw his picture on his (very readable) blog. He looks very racist in it.

    Louche – you can tell they make very little from the BB aftermath as they tend to turn up for any TV gig going, even the ones where they’re pointed at and laughed at, like the vain bozos they are.

    I think we’ve proved Dave’s joke is flawed, untenable and frankly, mildly racist.

  21. Napoleon Says:

    I’d agree his blog is very readable (in a shit sort of a way), but for me it’s forever tainted by that unmistakable whiff of racism. Every time I visit Dave’s Electric Blanket, I do so with caution – never quite knowing if his new post is going to disgust me with its blatant racism.

  22. wally bazoom Says:

    I don’t know what it’s called, but I hate that programme where Alan Hanson goes to the supermarket with Lulu. Also, that show that’s been going for years with Gary Linekar just stealing crisps everytime – it’s a bit like Rising Damp, but not as imaginative plot wise. And that one where Ian Botham just eats barley out of a bowl with some children, that’s really dull. Enough reality television already!!

  23. george Says:

    I’m going to go for Match of The Day, when I’m bored at work or just drifting off at night I like to fantasise about killing Mark Larwenson. He’s such an unfunny, tiresome, boring prick, he’d be bad enough if he was only on television as a weather presenter. In the USA game, his insight included these nuggets; Motson said ‘another USA substitute comes on and he says ‘can’t wait’ Freddy Adu misses a free kick and he says ‘Much Adu about nothing.’ He’s supposed to be the analyst, by the way. I actually like MOTD but detest him so much he makes it unwatchable.

  24. Swineshead Says:

    Wally made me snort out of my nose – I think it was the Lineker/Rossiter comparison…

  25. Swineshead Says:

    I like Mark Lawrenson. He’s an affable grump. And anyone who sported a tache through the 90s despite it being banned since 1989 is a bit of a hero, for me.

  26. wally bazoom Says:

    Who watches MOTD for punditry? I watch it for GOALS GOALS GLORIOUS GOALS.

  27. Napoleon Says:

    Tosh off of The Bill had an illegal ‘tache. Is this what led to his demise? Was he executed?

  28. Swineshead Says:

    Wally’s right regarding MOTD – the punditry is obsolete as everyone knows what they’re on about. Only Lee Dixon offers any genuine insight – while Hansen occasionally lets you in on defensive secrets.

    It’s the commentary you seem to despise, George – Lawrenson only really commentates on England matches – I agree that he’s a bit tiresome on there – but his shit jokes are better than Jonathan Pearce’s roaring belly or, heaven forbid, ITV’s Clive Tyldesly being a twerp.

  29. Swineshead Says:

    Yes, NC. Tosh was executed by the Russians.

  30. Louche Says:

    If we are talking about lovable grumps then Mark Kermode has to get a mention, his ‘Kermodian’ rants are marvellous even if you don’t agree with his views.

  31. Dave Says:

    And this is why I never comment on WWM. The bigger boys bully me because they’re sods.

  32. wally bazoom Says:

    Radio 5 live is good for commentary. It’s along the lines of: ‘Why did that happen? This game is appalling, I’m bored. That player is playing very poorly and I’m annoyed. Football is stupid when it’s rubbish. That’s the half time whistle.’

  33. george Says:

    When we got trashed by Croatia, England where defending too deep, the formation was too defensive, Croatia were playing attractive attacking football and what does Motson (I actually like him) and Larwenson offer up? ‘say something john!’ ‘I can’t… I just… Don’t know what to say’.

  34. Swineshead Says:

    Dave: Grow up and get involved. But don’t be racist.
    Wally: I occasionally press mute and put Radio 5 on.
    Louche: Kermode’s diatribes are getting a bit samey.
    George: I quite like that – they’re only human and we were on our way out.

  35. Napoleon Says:

    Can’t bloody stand Mark Kermode, blah, blah, blah …

  36. george Says:

    SW: I know, I can understand, but it just grates, I mean we’re all England fans but a little bit of insight as to why we’re been trashed would have been nice, instead.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    George – not necessarily. We’re all England fans and we’d all have done a better job than McLaren. It was obvious why we were playing badly.

  38. george Says:

    I dunno, maybe I am been a bit harsh, it is the BBC after all, they have to pander to everybodies tastes, rather then just the football geeks. Can I change my vote to skins as a safe bet? Easily the most offensive television of the last 12 months.

  39. piqued Says:

    Back to that bloody awful Big Brother. I can’t believe it’s still on!!

    …And to have a blind man and at least 3 hot chicks cavorting about wearing FUCK ALL for half the show is a disgrace… he’ll have to feel about with his dirty blind hands…

    How DIRTY

  40. Swineshead Says:

    I watched Holby Blue last night (I think that’s what it was). It was about an Irishman with a gun. It was alright.

  41. Matt Says:

    Surely anything that BBC3 consider to be “comedy” has to be on the list of worst ever TV shows. Two Pints of Lager…, that bloody Jocelyn woman, what the hell is Tittybangbang about? And don’t get me started on sodding Scallywagga. Thanks to the unique way the BBC is funded, these dolts get a big bag of my cash for scrawling “ITS A COMEDY SHOW, LOL! LIKE CATHERINE TATE!” on an envelope in crayon and wandering down to White City.

    Oh God, Catherine Tate, I’d almost forgotten about her…

  42. george Says:

    Anybody seen casualty 1907? Hilarious.

  43. Swineshead Says:

    Matt – to be fair, BBC3 have done some good stuff. Boosh, Monkey Dust… erm…

  44. george Says:

    Plus Lilly Allen and Friends, SW.

  45. wally bazoom Says:

    Kermode may be the saviour of broadcasting. He may have said a lot of it once before, but it bears repeating now. He looks like he’s been carved out of stone too.

    Catherine Tate’s ok when she’s not writing her own stuff. She’s pretty good in Dr Who.

    BBC3 has given us the odd good comedy show – most things from Baby Cow have been decent.

  46. Swineshead Says:

    Goes without saying, George. I watched one of those, it featured Cuba Gooding Jr. Absolutely dire. But then, I’m not 15 so it’s not made for me.

  47. Swineshead Says:

    Indeed, Wally – Nighty Night is one I forgot.

    But Doctor Who would make my list of worst things on TV – but again, that’s because it’s not made for me and I just don’t get it.

    Some things are unwatchable because you’re not the target audience – that doesn’t grate anywhere near as much as TV that is atrocious but is vaguely aimed at your demographic. Stuff that’s actually insulting to your intelligence, like The Wall or Vanity Lair.

  48. Dave Says:

    I am not and never have been a racist, but point taken.

    On bad tele – have you seen that Louis Theroux wannabe bloke on C4? Not only is the documentary series poorly researched and constructed all he does is poke small and hairy people with sticks which, to me, is highly offencive and unhelpful.

    He asked a primordial dwarf ‘do you remember back when you were very small?’ What a tit.

    BTW – if I don’t schoolboyishly hint on something that may whiff of racism, even though in my ill head I’m trying to be a Chris Morris character, albeit a retarded one, can you not call me a racist, even in jest. Cheers.

  49. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – Mark Dolan is the bloke you mean – discussed above. An odious twat, so he is.

    I’m trying my hardest not to call you a racist.

  50. george Says:

    True. My brother is, though, and despises it, so I thin k it’s just generally bad.

  51. Swineshead Says:

    Your brother’s a racist?

  52. wally bazoom Says:

    Mark Dolan – the inadvisable one night stand of weekend tv, smirking under your bedsheets reeking of last night’s gin. You want him to go away, but he drinks in your local, and he laughs too loud by the fruit machine, loose change in a plastic coin bag from the bank. He freaks me out, he does. If you take his glasses off, there are just holes.

  53. george Says:

    SW: ah, whoops, forgot how fast these things get posted. He’s 15, and he’s not a racist, I hope. He hates emos though.

  54. Swineshead Says:

    And if you look into those holes, Wally, you see the whirring machinations of a furtive bile-well.

  55. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve become addicted to Holby Blue now. I like the way everyone in CID SHOUTS!

    I’ll go as far as to continue calling Dave a racist.

  56. Jamie Says:

    If anyone has MTV – The Hill is surely the worst show of all time?

    Another real life OC-type program about stuck-up brats who literally have nothing to worry about as they’re all living off Mommy and Daddy’s estates in The Hills.

    I remember a girl crying on it once because she realised the clothes she’d turned up to a party in clashed with her best friends.

    The sort of people who think Africa is a country. (Or is it a state?)

  57. Jamie Says:

    *The Hills* sorry, not The Hill.

  58. Jamie Says:

    I hate Lily Allen. She has no point to her. There’s no reason for her.

  59. Dave Says:

    How many Casualty spin-offs do we require as a people? You don’t get Sunhill Hospital on ITV do you?

  60. Jamie Says:


  61. Swineshead Says:

    Jamie – I was surprised when I got Virgin media to see that MTV is wall-to-wall reality crap. It used to be music videos, surely? MTV2’s bearable, just.

  62. Jamie Says:

    Very little actual music on MTV these days. It’s all hyper reality (ie Edited to CRAP – half a second per shot, different music every 3 seconds, sound effects, cuts to reaction shots from a totally different scene etc, you get me) shows.

    MTV2’s 120 minutes late at night is good.

    Also there was a fantastically shoddy bit of editing in the football the other day. After England went two up against USA, it showed a clip of Capello celebrating in front of the England bench, with Gareth Barry clearly visible behind him in tracksuit, DESPITE being the player that played Gerrard through for the 2nd goal.

  63. Swineshead Says:

    That shit happens all the time with the BBC football, Jamie.

    I like 120 minutes – it highlights the great stuff that’s out there (like Mnemona or however you spell it) as well as the utter shit.

  64. Jamie Says:

    Well yeah, 120 minutes CAN be good. If I’m up at 4am watching it though, I’m so tired that it all seems excellent.

    Anyone got a team for Euro 2008? Like a lot of people, mine will be Spain.

  65. smarkatch Says:

    Hollyoaks is always guaranteed to make me spit with rage. It’s always fucking on and it’s always fucking SHITE. The theme tune alone makes me want to kill.

  66. Jamie Says:

    To be honest bad TV doesn’t really affect me much, I only keep up to date with tv currently for:

    Peep Show
    Family Guy
    The Apprentice (sometimes)

    Otherwise it’s dvds and xbox all the way.

  67. Swineshead Says:

    Oh God – not Family Guy again…

  68. Jamie Says:

    I don’t remember you being vigorously against it?…

  69. Swineshead Says:

    It’s alright but not worth all the praise the other day, I reckon.

    I’ve just eaten a meatball wrap, a bag of hula hoops and a king size lion bar.

    No wonder I’m a fat bastard.

  70. Jamie Says:

    Sounds tasty though.

    I like Hula Hoops, but I never buy them.

  71. shitbagger Says:

    I’m (Napoleon) on the scotch eggs again.

  72. Swineshead Says:

    I spilt meatball juice all over my fucking groin. Now I’ve mopped it up it looks like I’ve pissed myself.


  73. george Says:

    Worth it though, those meatball wraps are lovely. They always remind me of Joey off of friends, to boot.

  74. shitbagger Says:

    I had one of those moments the other week. I sat on a seat without realising it was covered in brown sauce. You can guess the rest ..

  75. Jamie Says:

    You all sound like a load of bumbling old men in a rubbish comedy film.

    Meatball used to be my favourite Subway Sub but they put TOO MUCH sauce in so I’ve moved on.

  76. Swineshead Says:

    Another moment like that was a bottle of tippex down my school uniform. Allegedly I had spunked myself, but even at 14 I wouldn’t have been able to serve up that much jism. Spent my lunch hour trying to remove it with turps. I just ended up covered in tippex and smelling of turps.

  77. shitbagger Says:

    I’d of laughed at you if I’d got wind o’ that at school. How come I wasn’t informed of this trouser accident of yours?

  78. Swineshead Says:

    No idea, you may have left by then. It was the same day Stuart Picksley punched me in the face. I say ‘punched’, it was more of a girly slap. he’s a cage-fighter now, apparently.

  79. george Says:

    Not a good day then, SW.

  80. Swineshead Says:

    It’s SH!

    But I forgive you.

    Wasn’t a bad day as that slap to the face enabled me to nick Picksley’s girlfriend on a sympathy technicality. Thus – I won.

    Two years later he chased me out of the Waggon and Horses with his fists flailing after he and his mates put me in a seige situation at the back of the boozer – that was the scariest night of my life.

  81. Swineshead Says:

    So – shit TV – let’s put Coronation Street on the list.

  82. wally bazoom Says:

    It was weird, they all had peashooters I think.

  83. Swineshead Says:

    Were you there Wally? I remember I was wearing a tie for some reason, that probably wound them up – me looking like a tit.

  84. piqued Says:

    Does anyone know when Big Brother is on again? I love that show, do do do do do I larve itsz

    *touches up geriatric*

  85. wally bazoom Says:

    You were wearing a tie. Your brother was there, they spilt beer down his back. I threatened them all in the street for a taste of pain while you made your escape out the back. It was a caper.

  86. Swineshead Says:

    Beer on the back – a coward’s taunt! Those swines. If I wasn’t such a terrified idiot I’d have taken them all on.

    Piqued – Big Brother is a pile of shit.


  87. piqued Says:

    Someone call the police before I get into real trouble, help me for Christs sake

    *rubs geriatrics balls over adam’s apple*

  88. Swineshead Says:

    Piqued’s started drinking then…

  89. wally bazoom Says:

    They would’ve jeered and whirled their mittens on elastic while bullyboy Picksley did the necessary, the fascists.

  90. smarkatch Says:

    So this is what happened when I was at home watching telly with mum. This blog is so illuminating…

  91. Swineshead Says:

    I hate fascists…

  92. Swineshead Says:

    You weren’t watching telly with your mum, you were listening to the manics and complaining about life to your posters.

  93. shitbagger Says:

    I’ve always been too drunk to do anything other than go down fighting in situations like your bar encounter, Swineshead. You should have stood your ground. The only harm those cowards in Sleaford could have done you was break most of your bones or stab you to death.

  94. smarkatch Says:

    Actually, that’s an accurate review of my teenage years, Swineshead. Woe.

    On the upside, I wasn’t getting terrorised by the locals.

  95. wally bazoom Says:

    The Maniacs, that’s what I call them.

  96. Swineshead Says:

    I seemed to wind up the locals just by leaving the house. I could ingratiate myself with the locals of the poorest parts of Sheffield, drink happily with the real Eastenders in Hackney but Lincolnshire locals are different… malevolent almost.

  97. shitbagger Says:

    I love the way you call ’em ‘locals’ as if you weren’t one. Lincolnshire local.

  98. smarkatch Says:

    Wally – you’re channelling dad today. Stop it.

  99. Swineshead Says:

    I’m from nowhere, Shibagger Napoleon. I’m a travelling minstrel of doom.

  100. wally bazoom Says:

    You’re not a local if you leave, are you? You’re a former local – a focal.

  101. george Says:

    So if you were a bisexual former local you’d be a bifocal? Boom boom…

  102. shitbagger Says:

    You’re from Lincolnshire, Swineshead. Admit it, you inbred ogre.

  103. Swineshead Says:

    I am from Lincolnshire, and what of it?

    I’m not ashamed of that fact, shitface.

  104. george Says:

    Probably better then Northampton. People complain about the immigrant communities, but I think they’re a Godsend, I couldn’t live in this town if it was 100% full of Northamptonians.

  105. shitbagger Says:

    I reckon the retarded, inbred sons of Lincolnshire (see: Swineshead) could give your Northampton types a run for their money in the ignorant shitkicker department, George.

  106. Dave Says:

    What has Northampton ever given the world? Not sausages.

  107. shitbagger Says:

    Isn’t it hats?

  108. Jamie Says:

    Manics are cack.

  109. Swineshead Says:

    I’m retarded am I?

    Am I?

    No, I’m not. I’m one of life’s winners, I am.

    *wipes arse*

  110. shitbagger Says:

    You’re a wee bit retarded, I’d say. Just a little bit.

    Anyway, I’m off. I hope you all have awful weekends, and pray at least one of you has a car accident that leaves you vegetablised and sat in a wheelchair digging about in the big nappy the NHS makes you wear.


  111. wally bazoom Says:

    What a strange person.

  112. george Says:

    Dave: Doc Martins, crap sports teams, Bahaus and Alan Carr. Though we did kill Thomas Beckett, which has to be worth something.

  113. Swineshead Says:

    I reckon if he actually prayed that to Jesus it wouldn’t come true, so don’t worry too much about his spiteful words.

  114. Joanne Says:

    Emmerdale. The very theme tune brings about a murderous rage within me.

  115. Bright Ambassador Says:

    Doctor Who. A children’s programme masquarading as Saturday night adult light entertainment. Almost makes you feel nostalgic for Jim Davidson’s Generation Game and Give Us a Break.

    The Simpsons. I’d probably find it entertaining if I was an overweight, doughnut-fixated American with a clutch of annoying children. Makes infanticide appear attractive.

    Casualty. A child playing in a field where a combine harvester’s merrily chugging along; what happens next?

    Eastenders. Like Harry Enfield said on telly the other night, it’s just The Scousers but set in a small town in the South East of England. “‘Ere, I wanna word wi’ you” “Can’t it wait?” “No it can’t”, much mental torture then ensues…four night s a fucking week.

    Anything with Jamie Oliver. “Cor, give it the old stir up, and wallop. Is that the doorbell? It must be all my pucker mates come round to help me eat all this crap when all they really want’s a fish finger sandwich. I’ll just show off by sliding down the bannister rail and popping a basketball into the net that NOBODY other than a mockney twat like me has at the bottom of the stairs”

  116. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Read about McDonalds, poo and Lee McQueen here:

    _______ Of Some Description

  117. Swineshead Says:

    JQW – that wasn’t very illuminating. Did you actually meet him in a toilet or is this all a figment of your imagimind?

  118. Ros Says:

    Vanity Lair
    That fucking gameshow with Alan Carr pitting ‘celebrities’ against ‘civilians’

    I’ll watch owt else though.

  119. dave Says:

    I am bored.

  120. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I did. I just surrealised it a bit. We did exchange brief remarks though.

  121. dave Says:

    So it was another kind of job he was fisting for?

  122. Swineshead Says:

    If you give anything away JQW, I’ll not be happy.

  123. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I wouldn’t spoil it for you, Swineshead. You know that.

    *gets out cock*

  124. Swineshead Says:

    Good lad.

    *pats lad*

    Do you know then?

  125. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    No, but you thought I did, which made me feel powerful.

  126. Swineshead Says:

    You used that power wisely. (With great power comes great responbibibilbbly).

  127. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Was that the sound of Peter Parker jisming in his plus-fours at the sight of an exposed breast?

    Oh also, to keep with, tradition:

    Bit quiet in ‘ere.

  128. Swineshead Says:

    It is. I can’t be fucked to write / approve anything until Wednesday earliest as I’m working on my slush-pile-destined ‘novel’.

    And work, obviously.

  129. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Not to worry, it means I’m commenting less and actually thinking about writing the odd thing myself.

    Judging from your booksie stuff, I’ve got plenty of faith that it’ll be a cracker.

    Fuck work, it’s very sunny.

  130. Napoleon Says:

    Bit quiet in ‘ere, eh? What what?

  131. Swineshead Says:

    It is, ain’t it.

    Do us an article?

  132. Dave Medlo Says:

    Well I’ve got two in the waiting queue, haven’t I?

  133. Swineshead Says:

    Ah – yes. ‘ang on.

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