Ad Nauseam: Dolce and Gabbana

by

Hello. I’m Matthew McConaughey, you might remember me from lots of movies… or you might not… very few people actually went to see my movies, although I’m quite famous for once being arrested for smoking a joint and playing the bongos naked in my living room. Oh, I’ve dated a few people who you might have heard of – maybe that’s how you’d recognised me. Trust me, I’m famous and thus desirable to women and admirable to men. I am, I swear…

Anyway. I want you to buy this new… um… is it aftershave? I’m not quite sure, it doesn’t say what it is in the advert – but either way, I want to you to buy it and I believe in this… um… product so much that I’m prepared to put my name to it. Yes, it’s that damned good. You trust me, don’t you? I said I was famous, you must trust me.

The advert is all about my life – the constant hassle of being incredibly famous, the admiration heaped upon me for said fame, the stream of photographers always wanting to get a snap of me because I’m so famous and admired… and if you had this life, which you don’t, you’d be able to deal with it as effortlessly as me by using this product… this aftershave, I’m sure it’s aftershave I’m selling.

You see, when a company asks someone really famous and admired to be the face of their product it’s because they see an association with the star’s persona, they see a mutual affiliation in style and ethos. When Dolce and Gabbana asked me to be their face I was flattered because it meant they clearly saw me as the height of sophistication, and not as a has-been no-talent who no-one ever really cared about. It meant they didn’t see me as just a ‘person who was in some films no-one saw’ and more as an emblem of their international image.

After all, to sell an international product (I am, like, 99% sure that it’s an aftershave) you need an international celebrity – and who’s more world famous than Matthew Motherfucking McConaughey? I know that it looks like that my film career is in freefall and I have to do adverts just to remind people that I exist, but that’s not the case at all; I have loads of films coming out and some of them star people you like. I’ll be around for a long time yet, so don’t worry.

Thank you for listening, I’m Matthew McConaughey.

P.S. It’s definitely aftershave, I checked the website – although there was this moment when I realised it could also be suits or sunglasses – that was a scare.

SEE ALSO:

Pierce ‘I used to be James Bond, y’know’ Brosnan

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81 Responses to “Ad Nauseam: Dolce and Gabbana”

  1. dave Says:

    He’s the female version of that ER tit of a woman that’s in some Richard Curtis film – weddings?

  2. Dave Medlo Says:

    Andie McDowell maybe…?
    He’s the less convincing equivilent of Pierce Brosnan’s “there’s lots more to life than making movies” face skin trawl.

  3. dave Says:

    No, but that’s a good’n too. I speak of the lass with curley hair – she nourishes it with coconut cream and pureed lizard bowel. She’s a witch.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    ARGH. You mentioned Brosnan’s ad. ARGGRRHRHRGHHHH

    Probably the most gut-wrenching thing on TV at the moment.

    It’s the way he says ‘campaigning for thwee en-veeiron-mont’.

    ARGH

  5. Napoleon Says:

    I’m sure he was in something quite succesful recently, wasn’t he? Actually, considering I have no idea if he was or if I’ve made that up, that rather proves your point.

    AND the bugger was in that U571 travesty where the Yanks supposedly grabbed the Enigma machine. The history-rewriting shithouse.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    The Andie MacDowell one’s brilliant n’all – Adam buxton was going on about it. ‘I call them my life story lines!’

    They’re WRINKLES

  7. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t understand Brosnan’s advert. When he’s on about looking after your skin, how come he’s not in a tin bath scrubbing his back with carbolic soap? Makes no sense to me at all.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    I might have to locate the Brosnan and McDowell ones to add to the misery.

  9. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Was he in Memento? Or was that someone else?

  10. Napoleon Says:

    I thought that was him off of Neighbours? Neighbours in the 80s?

    McConnnoaughhhay was in that rubbish Sahara film, and that one with Samuel L Jackson where Sandra Bullock ALMOST gets stripped down to the goods.

  11. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Oh. He’s THAT bad.

  12. Napoleon Says:

    They were originally touting him as the new Paul Newman … because he looks like Paul Newman. Problem was, he wasn’t Paul Newman. Paul Newman’s Paul Newman. He makes sauce.

  13. Dave Medlo Says:

    He wasn’t in Neighbours or Memento, that was Guy Pierce – he was in Sahara, and Dazed and Confused and that new one with Kate Hudson that’s been absolutely rubbished in the reviews – Fools Gold or something. .

    Basically he’s utterly irrelevent. Just like Dolce and Gabbana

  14. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Wow, that is a truly terrible filmography. Begs the question of who he blew for the ad.

  15. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – I didn’t say he was in Neighbours. I said the man in Memento was in Neighbours. Bloody Americans. Never listen, do they? Twits.

    I’m not sure what Dolce and … wait for it … Banana (BOOM BOOM!) do. Is it clothes or something? P’raps I should watch Sex & The City so I’m more informed about irrelevent rubbish?

  16. Dave Medlo Says:

    Sorry, my bad. There I go skim reading again…

  17. Swineshead Says:

    ‘My bad’?!

    Now listen Dave, I know I probably can go a little too far with my criticisms of your Americanisms but can we hereby BAN that phrase?
    Thanks.

    ‘My bad’ indeed. For heaven’s sake.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    Horrible phrase, that.

  19. Dave Medlo Says:

    Aw, but I wrote that because of your criticisms of my Americanisms… what fun is it if I can’t join in? Gee whizz shucks, that ain’t fair mister, that ain’t fair one bit.

  20. dave Says:

    Is he in Almost Famous or am I way off the mark? If he is, that’ a poetic iron I, Dave, would put my name to.

    And continuing the tits pushing useless goods, have you seen the POLIC adverts with Antonio Banderas? Be YOUnique. I don’t even know where to begin with that one…

  21. dave Says:

    A poetic iron. Oops. Irony.

  22. Dave Medlo Says:

    No he’s not in Almost Famous, he’s in lots of films where he’s the useless but charming man who looks great with his shirt off and is won over and changed by a slightly neurotic female…
    The Wedding Planner
    How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
    Failure to Launch
    Hateful.

    (that last one isn’t a movie, it’s a one word review of the above three films)

  23. Napoleon Says:

    And the one with Samuel L Jackson where Sandra Bullock’s nearly disrobed, don’t forget. It’s got Oliver Platt being Oliver Platt in it. The useless bastard.

  24. Swineshead Says:

    I haven’t seen any Matthew M films, I’m pleased to say. Unless he’s actually Owen Wilson, who he might as well be.

  25. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve seen that Sahara. It was like a Happy Shopper National Treasure.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    National Treasure is a Costcutter Indian Jones, isn’t it?

  27. Swineshead Says:

    Yes – Indian Jones. I meant to say that.

  28. Swineshead Says:

    Those shitty celeb ads, remember the one with Nicole Kidman? That was utter shit n’all. She’s rubbish. Her last good film was Dead Calm. Make that ‘only’ good film.

  29. Clarys Says:

    Wasn’t he caught playing the bongos in his garden, while in the nip? As playing them in your living room (nip or no) really isn’t that bad.

    Mr McConaughey often gets voted sexiest blokey alive in women’s magazines. Not a fan myself. He’s quite good in A Time to Kill though (is that the Sandra Bullock nearly nekkid one?)

  30. Clarys Says:

    Oh, and Dolce and Gabbana are very important fashion designers, yes.

  31. Dave Medlo Says:

    That advert for Chanel that was made by Baz Lurmamamahan? That’s one of the worst fucking adverts I’ve ever seen… Ewan McGregor’s new one for Davidoff is pretty hateful too, as is that ice cream advert with that women of Desperate Housewives.

    Hmmm… I want to seen as smart, sexy and popular, I know, I’ve advertise Cornetto. Morons.

  32. dave Says:

    Did he play a Big Fat Greek Wedding? This universe of film is unknown to me.

  33. Clarys Says:

    I do like one of those Lenor adverts, where they imply their fabric softener can make your clothes smell of black diamonds. I’m sorry? Diamonds have a scent? Well that’s new….

  34. Clarys Says:

    “Did he play a Big Fat Greek Wedding? This universe of film is unknown to me.”

    No, that’s the bloke who plays Aidan in Sex and the City, name escapes me.

    http://www.imdb.com is your friend.

  35. Swineshead Says:

    I thought MM was playing bongos on the roof of a skyscraper.

    *fires up wiki*

  36. Dave Medlo Says:

    “Did he play a Big Fat Greek Wedding? This universe of film is unknown to me.”

    No, that was a dude guy called John… erm… Corbin, perhaps? He played the DJ in Northern Exposure. Anyway, they look quite alike.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    The big fat greek sex in a city bloke was Chris off of the fantastic Northern Exposure.

  38. Swineshead Says:

    Ah – I have seen an MM film – he’s in the godawful Dazed & Confused – one of the worst pieces of film making in modern memory.

  39. Dave Medlo Says:

    Northern Exposure was awesome – didn’t Chris Sex City Greek Wedding Fella have a storyline where every year he becomes phenomenally attractive to all the women in the town? I remember that clearly… an Janine Turner was really hot with her short hair and ability to co-star in Cliffhanger. I wonder what happened to her?

  40. Swineshead Says:

    Why does this blog exist…?
    http://blackcelebkids.com/

  41. Swineshead Says:

    She was very nice…
    I remember Big Fat Greek Chris in The Sex City had a storyline at one point where he wanted to hurl a cow from a massive catapult inkeeping with Alaskan tradition but chickened out and fired a piano instead.

  42. Dave Medlo Says:

    Ah yes! Those were the days, back when quirky meant good and not irritating…

    as for the black kids blog… Jesus… I have no fucking idea… I guess the answer is because it can…

  43. Napoleon Says:

    I never got on with Northern Exposure, preferring our English equivalent – Heartbeat. Ho ho! Greengrass and his dog! Those were the days.

  44. Dave Medlo Says:

    I went to Robin Hood’s Bay where Heartbeat is filmed and bought a postcard… bloomin’ lovely the place is, although the postcard wasn’t all that great which I found to be a letdown.

  45. Napoleon Says:

    I’m off on holiday near there this year. Nice part of the world.

  46. Swineshead Says:

    From Matthew McConahit’s-no-good-I-can’t-spell-it to North Yorkshire.

    We cover all bases.

  47. Swineshead Says:

    East Yorkshire. I apologise.

  48. Napoleon Says:

    You were right the first time.

  49. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve looked that film up and it’s called ‘A Time To Kill’. It’s off of a John Grisham book, so there’s no wonder it’s rubbish. It’s got Donald Sutherland in it as well as MacCone-O-Hay and a nearly-nude Sandra Bullock. And Oliver Platt, who was crap in Flatliners and The Three Musketeers.

  50. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve just read up a bit, and Clarys points this out. Sorry, Clarys.

  51. piqued Says:

    Oliver Patt?

    You mean Oliver Fatt more like, yeah…

  52. piqued Says:

    ‘Platt’

  53. piqued Says:

    ‘Flatt’

  54. Napoleon Says:

    I can certainly see what you’re driving at there, Piqued. Well done.

  55. Swineshead Says:

    I can’t.

    I had a massive four cheese pizza for lunch. I’m ready for a cheese-fart frenzy.

  56. Napoleon Says:

    I’m having some o’ them Herta frankfurters with all salad for my lunch.

  57. piqued Says:

    Salad? SALAD??

    You NC, Salad?!

    It must be because you’re coming to London, you’re getting yourself all ready for Soho… You pumping iron? I bet you are…

    Tight buns NC, that’s what you’ll be known as

    Ooof, I can’t wait to get my hands on you. I’ll teach you all about the love that dare not speak it’s name.

    *bends over*

  58. Napoleon Says:

    I’m ‘aving it in one of them Italian herb wraps too. I’ve gone poncified.

  59. Clarys Says:

    Mmmm, frankfurters. Always nice when grilled.

    No problem Napoleon, reiterating is no bad thing. I do want updates on SH cheese fart frenzy though.

  60. Napoleon Says:

    I’d say! Come on, Swineshead, how’s that farting coming along? Eh?

  61. piqued Says:

    I’ll give you Frankfurters NC, you bloody wait

    U WONT WALK PROPLY 4 MUMFS

  62. Napoleon Says:

    Bald rapist. You just wait, mate. I’m not hanging around to be sullied by the likes of you. A couple of shots to the kidneys from my cannons, that’s what you’ll get. That’s right – CANNONS.

  63. piqued Says:

    So, when you coming to the smoke?

  64. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not sure. We’re coming down this month to look at some places, so it could be quite soon. Not that that gives you permission to go anywhere near my arse, by the way.

  65. dave Says:

    Get your ass to Manchester, the city that never sleeps but invariably collapses into unconciousness.

  66. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t want to move to Manchester, Dave. In all fairness, I don’t want to move to London, neither.

  67. piqued Says:

    You say that now NC. I can assure you, once you get here ‘I don’t want to move to London’ will soon be ‘why for the love of fuck did I move here? I hate myself, my life and everything in it. I WANT TO FUCKING DIE’ moments before I rush in your squat and give you a final straw bumming

  68. Napoleon Says:

    You’re an arse is what you are.

  69. piqued Says:

    Takes one to know bum, I mean ‘one’!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ahahhahahaha FROYDEEAN SLIP, NOT!!!!!!!!!

  70. Napoleon Says:

    Insufferable old man. 40 next year, isn’t it? Ho ho! At that age, you’ll be lucky to get it up, let alone go raping anyone with it.

  71. piqued Says:

    40 this year NC

    I wasn’t planning on raping anyone; your latent homosexual tenancies stick out like my viagra induced bonk-on

  72. Napoleon Says:

    This year, eh? Ho ho! Bald, fat old cunt.

    As for your homosexual slurs? Well I think we all know who wants to be on sausage-duty on this site. Still eating that ‘sensational’ food, are you?

    By the way, that wasn’t you on Dispatches, was it? I recall you saying you were on the steps of a tube station with your head in your hands the other day, as was a hideous-looking creature on the telly. If it was you, you should be ashamed of yourself – man of your age behaving like a drunken young ‘un. It’s pathetic, behaving like that when you’re well past 35.

  73. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    ‘very important fashion designers’

    My arse, that’s oxymoronical.

  74. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Fucking frightening!

  75. Louche Says:

    I like the bit on the James Bond advert where he does some pointing while on the back of the horse

  76. Clarys Says:

    “very important fashion designers

    My arse, that’s oxymoronical.”

    Well, D&G are important if you actually like fashion, or pay attention to it as an industry. Christ, they’re not kiddly fiddlers, why does everyone on here have such a problem with fashion?!

  77. Napoleon Says:

    The problem I have with it is the bloated over-exposure it gets in the media in relation to what it actually is (trumped-up tailoring), its pointlessness, and its ridiculous sense of it’s own importance. I’m racking my brains to think of a less important death this year than Yves Saint Laurent’s … and failing.

  78. Roszs Says:

    He’s quite good in Dazed and Confused.

    “The thaaaang abaaaht repeeeeatin haaaaagh school is the gaaaals get yurrrrngah aaaand aaaah stay the saaaame aaaaage”

    Fucking peado.

  79. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Ah, so that’s what the reference in Family Guy was…

  80. Swineshead Says:

    Roszs – you’ve added further fuel to my ‘Dazed and Confused is among the worst films ever made’ fire. Thanking your fass.

  81. nick Says:

    ibhFVJ hi! hice site!

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