The Apprentice 2008 – The Final


The Apprentice Final 2008

 I’ve heard it said that the little bit at the end of your CV called ‘hobbies and interests’ is unimportant and irrelevant. The people who say this are misinformed.

If you do your research, it can swing you a job. When I was a useless student, desperate for night work due to being physically unable to rise before midday, I noticed an opening at a 24 hour garage. After a brief chat with one of the staff there, I learned that the boss was, like me, an Arsenal fan. So in my hobbies and interests I wrote ‘avid fan of Arsenal FC’. I got an interview that day, spent the interview talking about Marc Overmars and was working the night-shift on pay and a half that very night – browsing the top shelf pornography and eating the pies in the backroom.

Lee McQueen must’ve been briefed on this little trick. Last night, the remaining contestants were sent out for some posh tucker with a very special guest. Only one of the most high-profile Spurs fans in the country… That’s right gang! It was Alan Sugar!

‘Oo do you support then, Lee?’ he asked the speech-impeded wideboy. We all knew the answer before he’d even opened his mouth. In these opening shots it was clear Lee was going to win no matter what happened in the task as he was gently jibed by the fuzzy millionaire like a favourite pupil. ‘Lee’s paying’, he said, as the bill arrived to indulgent smiles all round.

So – we know the drill by now. A few vox pops were aired in which Claire and Helene declared the size of their massive balls. The phone was answered. Frances was on the blower. They all got dressed in the space of three seconds and then they were off – this time to a massive, empty art gallery. This time, it seemed it wasn’t only Alan who had massive hands – they all appeared to be carrying huge pink claws by their sides. There must be something in the lens that makes fingers look like pinky-logs.

A massive art-gallery space was the base. The task was to launch a fragrance, pour les hommes, withthe assistance of past contestants whilst working as joint leaders – Lee with Claire (clearly the strongest two) and Helene with Alex. 

But not all of the past contestants were involved (as I think has been done in the past). Nope – if you remember, that made the Badger/Dewbury final far too crowded. This time we only get the most TV-worthy dunderheads. Sadly Sara Dadadadhada wasn’t included in the line up. Curses.

So – here’s how they picked their teams:

Claire & Lee: Jenny C
Whaaaa?! The first one picked is the most noxious of the bunch? Nice work on that one Claire. Pick a living, breathing, anvil-jawed failure as your first choice.

Alex & Helene: Raef
Good choice. Well liked by contestants and judges alike and generally quite successful in tasks.

Claire & Lee: Michael
Awww… they’ve broken up bum chums Sophocles and Raef. The utter sods. That’s just mean.

Alex & Helene: Kevin
Just don’t let him give a pep talk. Even better – don’t let him talk at all.

Claire & Lee: Simon
Can’t believe he was picked so late. As far as I could tell, he was the hardest working of the lot, if a little flimsy when leading.

So, Jennifer was sent to work with Alex and Helene as she was picked last. Don’t laugh – some of us know how that FEELS.


Helene buttered up Alex saying how she was soooglad she’d got him to work with as he stuffed one of his lips up a flared nostril in smug delight. Once again, in a well-timed vox pop, Alex felt the urge to remind us of his age – which is 24 years old, in case you’d forgotten.

In the meantime, Lee and Claire got down to business, discussing the target demographic for their parfum. Lee was on autopilot – getting right into the brainstorm. We’ve seen him outdo himself in this scenario before – suggesting ‘Snot’ for tissues and ‘cuppa tea’ as an ice cream flavouring. This time, he didn’t disappoint. Their target audience was a 22 year old metrosexual what shaves ‘is balls.

When it was time to come up with names, they pulled some right shit out of the bag.  ‘Pssst’, ‘Dollar’ and ‘Primal’ were all blathered into the ether until possibly the worst suggestion was hit upon and seized – their aftershave was to be called ‘Roulette’. Nice.

Helene got talking to some painter and decorators about the aftershave the men’d actually rely on their wives to buy them, thus rendering their focus group a waste of time. No names were decided upon though the rubbish ‘Connect’ and ‘Enigma’ were shouted. ‘Girth’ was one I particularly enjoyed.

In the midst of all this pandemonium, Lee started babbling like a boiling baby and lost the ability to pronounce his own product. ‘Woulette!’ he screamed. ‘Thas warram talking abairt’ he went on, possibly for the last time ever on British television.

Kevin rolled his sleeves up and got stuck in when the bottle was being designed, reeling off ideas for a concept from the part of his mind that deals with how to control going poo poo. He suggested a stressball texture to the bottle. How about a rubik’s cube shape? Something simple like that overtly complex idea. Alex was so stressed on the phone to Helene he needed that god damned stressballaftershave bottle. So stressed was he, that he let the designer come up with the concept, thus losing him the match on away goals.

As we watched the commercial being filmed, things seemed to be going well withAlex and Helene. Seasoned viewers know this is a terrible sign. Nick’s championing of the concept didn’t help – his praise alongside the presence of that idiot Kevin represented the proverbial kiss of death.

Their ad went smoothly where Lee and Claire’s was a 70s nightmare, straight out of the Hai Karate era. The only downside to Dual – the name Alex and Helene decided on – was the fact that they hadn’t designed it themselves and Helene had made it smell of old chocolate. ‘It’s certainly different’, said Raef, ever the optimist.

Despite things going well for them, Alex and Helene continued to bust up. ‘Conflicting against each other’ is how they othey put it in their garbled business logic. We’d already learned that a good business mind comes at the expense of the ability to communicate using recognised idioms – this, then, was the proof. The 11th hour rewrite of the script didn’t help, yet all seemed forebodingly to be on course for success.

To compound one team’s success, Lee was looking shaky. High drama! He couldn’t talk as he prepared his pitch and stumbled like a tit over every word.

And finally, the pitches themselves were both pretty awful. Where Lee’s dancers were geriatric, glowsticked, juggling freaks, Alex and Helene employed karate-kicking nutjobs. Lee and Claire started their pitch withthe words ‘Gambling is important’ – which sent a shiver down the spine of everyone who was considering how they might market this bit of tat. By promoting gambling! Great idea!

‘I know a little cheeky chap’ said Lee, talking about his demographic. It was, in Sugar parlance, a bluddy shambles. ‘The metrosexual is dead’, they incorrectly asserted. They stumbled over their words. They were laughed at. It was very, very poor.

Alex and Helene, on the other hand, were targeted withspontaneous applause. Their work was ‘coherent’ and ‘extraordinary’. Only one drawback was mentioned – that being the cost of the bottle to manufacture. This prohibitive cost was the black cloud that followed Alex and Helene to the boardroom. As Sugar made it clearer who the winner might be, Sophocles swung his head jubilantly like a happy little Pinnochio and Jenny’s enormous paving-slab jaw seemed to expand – though this could of been her way of smiling.

The rest is history. There was a little comic relief regarding SImon’s metrosexuality – met with his denial – though Christ knows how his hair gets that shape if he’s not… 

Then Alex and Helene were swiflty kerb-kicked, and very unceremoniously, too. Helene was realistic in the cab home whilst Alex wept his little eyes off, biting those lips that had so often betrayed the inner-workings of his nubile mind. Poor lad. He’s only 24, remember.

We kind of knew he hadn’t made it as his CV’s been very publically onlinefor the past month.

And then Sugar decided between Claire and Lee. Claire had evolved, he said… into some kind of whale/simian hybrid it seemed to me. Sugar bewilderingly said her pitching skills were superb. They weren’t. He said Lee was a very convincing candidate (despite the stupid dinosaur impressions, illiteracy, lying on his CV and bullying Sara).

He picked Lee. It was all over. A sigh of relief. A little trump came out of Alan’s bottom as he sat back, overwhelmed by the magnitude of this underwhelming conculsion. It was an abrupt ending, accompanied by the sound of the nation flicking over to BBC2 to watch ‘You’re Fired’.

They surpassed themselves this year, the BBC. It was a great series. Let’s hope they don’t push the audition process for anyone toogrotesque next time round. They should repeat exactly what they achieved this time round. Taking overconfident, arrogant numbskulls and pushing them into industries they have no experience of, then filming the bickering mayhem before editing it into appetising hour-long chunks.  

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Preview 1
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174 Responses to “The Apprentice 2008 – The Final”

  1. goodbyetoallfat Says:

    No, Sir Alan, not Lee “that’s what I’m bull-shitting about” McQueen.

    2006 finalists: Ruth Badger and Michelle Dewberry. Sugar hires Dewberry who goes on to become pregnant by one of the other contestants and does not last very long at Sugar Towers. Sugar also, behind the scenes, employs Ruth Badger for “other projects” but without the fame and glory that the “pretty one” Michelle Dewberry obtained.

    2007 finalists: Tim-nice-but-dim wimpy posh bloke and Kristina Grimes, tough as nails 37 year old single mother, who has made her own way in the world. Sugar hires Tim-nice-but-dim, but behind the scenes, after filming, also offers a job to Kristina Grimes to work at Viglen.

    2008 finalsts: no, Claire, do not succumb and accept any “second helpings” that Alan offers you as a consolation prize. Hold your head high and walk out, only stopping to accept 7 figure salaries *elsewhere* or a hugely lucrative media contract …. sit back and wait and watch with glee when Lee ballses up his first year in post.

    Alan (am I sexist or what?) Sugar: you just lost one viewer for next year.

    Swineshead: if I also post this same comment on Collins’ blog later today apologies but I always go there first (only to find AC has not uploaded his yet).

  2. Napoleon Says:

    What relevance has Kristina’s single-motherdom got to do with anything, Sharon? And Sugar’s a sexist, is he? So he didn’t just choose the one who was clearly the better candidate, then? Surely not! The winner has a penis! THAT SEXIST BASTARD! And there’s proof of that in the fact that the only woman he’s hired was an ATTRACTIVE woman … that rat bastard! Well done, Sherlock, you’ve got that fucker’s number.

    In the real world, I’d just like to point out I predicted Lee would win ages ago. how you laughed at me, Swineshead, how you laughed.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    You and half the country tipped him as a potential. I don’t recall this ongoing campaign of yours championing the lunk-head from the start…

    Anyway – bit of an anti-climax eh?

  4. Mikey Says:

    It’s a bit like the World Cup or the Euro’s. The first phase is always much more entertaining.

  5. goodbyetoallfat Says:

    “So he didn’t just choose the one who was clearly the better candidate, then?”

    In my opinion Lee was definitely NOT the better candidate — useless at presentations, nervous, fluffs his lines, inability to spell on his application form (and not even realising the importance of getting that correct), and LYING about how long he attended a certain college/university.

    To my mind Claire was the strongest candidate by far, for weeks and weeks. Therefore I stick by *my* opinion (and obviously it is only my opinion) that SrAlun was sexist.

  6. Clarys Says:

    Now, I haven’t watched much of The Apprentice, maybe two or three episodes. But I’ve read your reviews pretty religiously, and Lee never seemed to come across terribly well. Making a mess of presentations, generally being a bit of a dick, and lying on his CV (as has been pointed out). He’s the best? He gets the job? Just seems a trifle bizarre…

    I am happy to admit I could have missed many things, having not been an avid viewer, I hasten to add.

  7. Swineshead Says:

    Sharon – sorry, but leave it out.

    When it comes to choosing who you want to work with, you have to take it into account if a promising candidate turns out to be a motor-mouthed annoyance. Lee was successful in more tasks and is vaguely likable. Out of the two, he deserved it.

    Plus, he’s got a cock and balls – where Claire only has metaphorical balls. They don’t do the job quite as well as actual, physical testicles, so she had to go.

  8. Mikey Says:

    Sharon, he actually chose the one who was most similar to himself. Also it will be easier to mould LEE. He’s off to sell digital advertising space. Probably get a few more sales due to LEE’s media exposure. LEE sure as hell would not be let loose on anything serious.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Also, Sharon – genuine thanks for kicking off a debate!

    *watches stats rise through roof*

    I actually think, and this ain’t cos my boy Alex lost, that Claire and Lee’s pitch and fragrance were total shit, and despite the bottle-cost Alex and Helene should’ve won that individual task. Overall, they were the two who were weakest out of the four – but they excelled with the aroma pitch.

  10. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Ah, it’s over. What an anticlimax. Still, beats Big Brother.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    Selling advertising space?!
    Fucking hell… that’s a job for mongs! I have people who do that calling me all day in the real world. It’s straight-forward telesales with a few client lunches thrown in. Definitely not a 100k role, unless we’re talking head of sales at the worldwide FT or something.

  12. goodbyetoallfat Says:

    You wanted a debate, Swineshead ….

    “Plus, he’s got a cock and balls – where Claire only has metaphorical balls. They don’t do the job quite as well as actual, physical testicles, so she had to go.”

    That is the most sexist thing I have ever read !!!

    So someone with cock and balls can “do the job better” ….?

    Justify please !!!!!!!!!

  13. Napoleon Says:

    Sharon – Claire wasn’t the better candidate. It doesn’t surprise me that Sugar didn’t want a mouthy Northern cosmetics rep heading up whatever electronics project he has in mind. Fair enough, pick her if you need to organise a swimming competition for eight year olds in Magaluf, but anything else? Fuck that, the ballsy, loud-mouthed harridan. I wouldn’t have picked her … unless she’d been a size eight with GREAT tits, o’course.

    Swineshead – You asked me who I thought would win ages ago, and I said Lee. Then I stuck with Lee, as you laughed and laughed. Well you’re not laughing now, Big Nose.

  14. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I can testify that real balls work better than imaginary balls. Especially when it comes to shagging bimbo sales execs.

  15. goodbyetoallfat Says:

    Although the only part of your argument that I do agree with Swineshead is this:

    “When it comes to choosing who you want to work with, you have to take it into account if a promising candidate turns out to be a motor-mouthed annoyance”

    I did get the impression that SrAlun is not keen on letting BOLSHY women with “balls” (metaphysical balls that is) actually WIN.

    QED: Ruth Badger (who was also the better “man” for the job).

  16. Napoleon Says:

    So someone with cock and balls can “do the job better” ….?

    Yep, I’d say. Take a trip through history for proof of this statement.

  17. Mikey Says:

    No not advertising space. Digital advertising space. Those boards that display different ads at the perimeter of the pitch at Football grounds. They are being put everywhere, gyms, cafe’s etc.

  18. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    JC Decaux and that

  19. badgermadge Says:

    Ooooh we used the same pic! My blog’s also up now btw. I wrote it before coming here, just so’s you know x

  20. Swineshead Says:

    Sharon – it was a joke about the balls.

    Seriously, having worked in recruitment before, ‘interpersonal’ skills (to use horrific jargon) are 50% of the skills required. If you can’t relate without babbling, you’re out of luck.

    Napoleon – your desire for pedantic competition holds no sway with me, you big nosed shithole – well done on your imaginary win! Your prize is a big pile of fuck all!

  21. Swineshead Says:

    No worries BM – these apprentice blogs are all inevitably similar so any claims of copyright infringement are irrelevant from either side…

    Mikey – still not a 100k job in the real world.

  22. Mikey Says:

    Well my choices would have been.
    1) Sara
    2) Oirish girl
    3) Helene
    4) Lucinda

    Now you cannot call me sexist.

  23. Napoleon Says:

    Is that what he’s doing? Sounds right up his alley, does that. Claire would have foundered at that job – flapping about on the shores of digital advertising like a beached whale with testicles. If Sugar had a project that required someone to sell make-up and hairspray to idiots using a stream of non-sensical sentences, she would have been his man. Lee’s definitely the right choice for digital stuff – a man’s world.

  24. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Incidentally, this review was a lot better than the Times’.

  25. Mikey Says:

    Mikey – still not a 100k job in the real world.


  26. goodbyetoallfat Says:

    NAPOLEON — you asked (several comments ago): “What relevance has Kristina’s single-motherdom got to do with anything, Sharon?”

    I think it is slightly relevant in that Kristina Grimes had a harder obstacle to overcome than most SINGLE women, SINGLE men or MARRIED men making their way in business.

    OK, her journey was only as difficult as a SINGLE father bringing up a child on his own, but there are less of them (statistics suggest it is more often the woman left to bring the child up on her own).

    And when she was starting off in business Kristina Grimes did not have huge financial resources to assist with childcare arrangements.

    I think she did a fantastic job in overcoming huge obstacles that single parents (without a privileged background, money or much education) face.

    So yes, including that in my description of Kristina Grimes was relevant and I was not trying to label her in a negative way.

  27. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I may have won fuck all by backing the winner when no one else did, but I’m still cheered by the fact that you lost in an actual sweepstake.


  28. goodbyetoallfat Says:

    MIKEY: “Now you cannot call me sexist.”

    It wasn’t you I was alleging was sexist in the first place but thanks for your list.

  29. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    So because she’s in a statistical minority she should get special treatment? Into positive discrimation are we now?

  30. Napoleon Says:

    Sharon – P’raps she should have got herself a husband?

  31. wally bazoom Says:

    What’s wrong with being sexy?

  32. Swineshead Says:

    Sharon – Napoleon is winding you up. Don’t encourage him – he gets actual sexual pleasure out of it and will be dangerously close to climax by now.

    Yes, Napoleon – alas Alex did not win and thus my winnings go astray. I’ll have to take up woulette as an alternative to this Reality TV gambling lark.

  33. Napoleon Says:

    Wagonwheel – Apparently so. Why not make the next series of The Apprentice fairer by having sixteen ballsy, ugly, fat single mothers vie for the prize? That way, that sexist Sugar would have no choice but to employ a ‘real’ woman for a change. That would be fairer, wouldn’t it?

  34. Mikey Says:

    Sharon..yes I know you were not suggesting I was sexist. It was just a general lighthearted quip that my list in no way could be described as sexist. I am a new man you know!

  35. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not winding Sharon up, I disagree with her.

  36. Swineshead Says:

    Wally – nowt. And I am the proof.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    I know Napoleon, but I get the feeling you’re also rather enjoying the ‘beached whale with testicle’ aspect of your argument. As are we.

  38. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    New man, you say. WIMP, MORE LIKE!

  39. Napoleon Says:

    Well there is that.

  40. Swineshead Says:

    JQW – thanks for that, I’ll check the Times now.

  41. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Welcome. Also, my birthday isn’t in there, so clearly it’s a failure all round.

  42. Napoleon Says:

    Nice shoe-horning of the birthday in there, Wagonwheel. Well don’t expect a ‘Happy Birthday’ from me. That wasn’t a ‘Happy Birthday’ there. And neither was that. FUCK YOU.

  43. Swineshead Says:

    He’s not getting one from me. I don’t even know who he is.

    I’d not give Claire a job, on balance, mainly because she has two stupid tits like an idiot might have.

  44. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Wow, twice, thanks Napoleon, mate, buddy.

  45. Mikey Says:

    Why were there no candidates from our European brothers?
    It would be much more fun if we had an international version.

  46. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Would you hire her if she had horrendous piles and a grotesquely large clitoris which sort of resembled a withered set of man-bits?

  47. Napoleon Says:

    I wouldn’t give Claire the job because she’s pug-ugly, loud-mouthed and thick as pig shit. I don’t think bosses are allowed to do this nowadays … I’d do it anyway.

  48. piqued Says:

    Wally, your comment went to 11

  49. Mikey Says:

    Perhaps wwm shoud have a representative in next years program.
    Possible candidates:

    Goodbyealltothat….ballsy no – nonsense type.
    Napoleon—could be good in the boardroom defending himself after a disatrous task.
    JQW The academic one. Probably would get up AS’s nose too quick as he corrected Sir Alan’s English and cracked jokes in Arabic.
    Piqued…Could be good in the cookery tasks.

    Swines, sorry mate but need you back here to do the reviews.

  50. Napoleon Says:

    Mikey – If that were to happen, I’d be the first person in the history of the show to be escorted to the exit by security, bellowing terrible vengeance on ‘that cunt Sugar’ after being fired in the first week. “And the e-m@iler was a big pile of shit, you crooked little bastard!” I’d roar, as I’m dragged from the boardroom.

    *clicks Apprentice application form*

  51. Swineshead Says:

    I wouldn’t get past day 1, Mikey – I’m a stuttering fuck who can’t dress himself. I’d be booted out for wearing an Oxfam-rejected 70s suit.

  52. Napoleon Says:

    That would make for fun TV. Sixteen badly dressed, socially inadequate fucks being set a series of challenges they’re utterly useless at … oh, hang on, that’s Big Brother.

  53. Dave Medlo Says:

    My favourite parts were –

    When Alex ended his pitch with “he wants to smell like a man” to a unfortunate laugh from the whole room of ‘industry professionals’

    Lee’s directing of the female model which comprised of yelling at her “you want him, it’s all in your eyes, you’ve wanted him for ages and now you’ve got him and it’s all thanks to the perfume… you love him, you want to suck his cock and wolf down his man fat because he smells so lovely… you want to fuck his brains out because of his perfume… let me see it in your eyes, YOU WANT TO FUCK HIM”

    and Simon saying he wouldn’t want Sir Alans job which was a bit weird as I thought that was the reason he was there in the first place…

  54. wally bazoom Says:

    To his credit, I thought Lee was a pretty good director, in context, all things considered. Imagine the size of his balls.

  55. Napoleon Says:

    I liked the bit where the three candidates who had come back to help Lee ‘n’ Claire mysteriously disappeared when Lee was answering one of Sugar’s questions, then reappeared seconds later. Like spooks, they were.

  56. Swineshead Says:

    Those candidates from the past weren’t of any use, actually. There was no point in them returning.

  57. wally bazoom Says:

    Didn’t Kevin give one of his splendid motivational speeches?

  58. Dave Medlo Says:

    ‘To his credit, I thought Lee was a pretty good director, in context, all things considered.’

    Well he knew what he wanted, and he got it, so I guess so. It was still funny watching the model try to not burst out laughing though…

  59. Napoleon Says:

    “Didn’t Kevin give one of his splendid motivational speeches?”

    Yup. And he can take the credit for losing his friend a £100,000 a year job. Not bad going there.

  60. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Well I’m off to celebrate until some ungodly hour, but first I have to walk the puppy. I think I might take a photo and post it, because frankly VS hasn’t been producing the goods lately.

    Have a nice day, y’all.

  61. wally bazoom Says:

    But when she delivered, did she ever deliver, and then some. I found it hard to concentrate on anything else. I had the lid off, so to speak.

  62. Swineshead Says:

    I still can’t see any resemblance between Kevin and David Walliams

  63. piqued Says:

    I thought The Apprentice was shit, full of testy little shits being shit under the shitty eye of a rich bearded shit.

    Look at the shit that won? He’s a cunt.

  64. Swineshead Says:

    Well done on learning a couple of swearwords there, Piquedy boy.

  65. piqued Says:

    Thank you m8

  66. dave Says:

    About as brainless as Big Brother this year, unfortunately.

  67. Swineshead Says:

    Too good not to link:

  68. Clarry Says:

    But remember kids:


  69. Swineshead Says:

    Also remember:

    Dual = Duel = a wicked film by Spielberg.

  70. Napoleon Says:


    Tell that to Kerry Packer

  71. piqued Says:


  72. Swineshead Says:

    ‘ooooh – wiver cottage with hugh fearley whittigstall is THENTHATIONAL’


  73. Swineshead Says:

    I’m not going to discuss my casual use of slang with someone who…

    a.) reads the Sun
    b.) is hooked on the pompous ‘foodie’ trend
    c.) idolises Hugh FW

    …in a thread on a programme he didn’t even watch because he was busy wanking off over River fucking Cottage.


  74. Napoleon Says:

    Hear hear!

  75. piqued Says:

    I read all the newspapers online, I only ever actually buy The Guardian

    Never considered myself ‘a foodie’ I just choose not to eat Bernard Mathews avian flu burgers

    I do, however, like Hugh. You can have that.

    NC, you’re rather like one of those little runts that eggs on the bully to punch the swot

  76. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Not at all. Just encouraging someone when they’re talking sense.

    Oh, and Bernard PREVENTED an outbreak of avian flu, remember? You’d have thought someone who looks at the newspapers online would have read about this.

  77. Swineshead Says:

    Bernard’s wicked.

    So you do read the Sun, Piqued. Online or not, you read it. Which goes against your liberal tendencies, somewhat.

    The defence that you try to read all newspapers doesn’t wash – a tabloid is a tabloid, they’re all full of shit.

  78. piqued Says:

    I agree with you, but it’s the bestselling newspaper in the UK and is massively influential.

    An example of how tabloids can sway public opinion would be how The Metro (i.e., The Daily fucking Mail) got Boris his job at city hall. If The Sun backs Cameron in a couple of years we’ll have a Tory government.

  79. Swineshead Says:

    Metro / Standard / Mail are all the same thing, repackaged.

    ‘If’ The Sun backs Cameron… is surely more a case of ‘when’ they back him…

  80. piqued Says:

    They are, all Associated Press, the make The Sun look like the Morning Star…

    Don’t know about that, they’re still knocking him back for being a toff

  81. Napoleon Says:

    The Sun’s not backing Cameron? That’s a surprise. You’d have thought he’d be right up their alley.

  82. piqued Says:

    Why’s that David Dimbleby

  83. Swineshead Says:

    Christ – imagine Napoleon in charge of Question Time.

    On Christmas Eve last year I saw Dimbleby unloading a car a few doors down from my flat. It was very odd. I wished him a merry christmas and he returned the favour.

    This was in exotic Dalston.

  84. Napoleon Says:

    “Why’s that David Dimbleby”

    Fuck you, Piqued. Having read your ill-informed, hand-me-down rants against the Tories, I’ll take no sarky, condescending remarks from you when it comes to politics. If you don’t know why Cameron wouldn’t be right up The Sun’s alley, may I suggest you do some research into their fly-by-night history, and their owner’s fickle approach to buttering up past political leaders when the wind’s about to change?

    Quite incredible that a dumb shit who spends his life drunk in a pub thinks he can deign to talk down to others when it comes to anything more serious than deciding which fucking boozer he’s drinking in tonight. You wouldn’t know politics if it booted you up the arse, you fuckwitted little prick.

  85. piqued Says:

    Jesus, what a thought. Despite not knowing anything about the questions in hand I’m sure the programme would have descended into full-scale violence within 5 minutes of being aired

  86. Swineshead Says:

    ‘you fuckwitted little prick’



  87. piqued Says:

    Mmm. I can’t think why a newspaper beloved of blue collar workers wouldn’t be just queuing round the block to put a big fat fucking tick beside the name of an ex-public school boy who is so posh he thinks bin men are actual troglodytes.

    The Sun has been backing labour for the past decade, in fact ‘It was The Sun What Won It’ was the headline after Blair was elected in 1997…

  88. piqued Says:

    ‘you fuckwitted little prick’

    That was from our political correspondent in South Yorkshire.

  89. Napoleon Says:

    Gee, thanks for that history lesson there. Perhaps, if you’d thought about what you’ve written there before writing it, you’d realise you’ve just emphasised the point I made about the paper’s owner buttering up past political leaders when the wind was about to change. If we’re quoting headlines, how’s about ‘If This Man Wins Tomorrow, Can The Last Person To Leave Britain Turn Out The Lights?’ Remember that? When they were staunchly behind Major (after being in thrall to Thatcher since the 70s)? Fuckwit.

  90. piqued Says:

    Of course I remember that.

    But the fact of the matter is that they’re mocking Cameron for being a toff, so your ‘That’s a surprise. You’d have thought he’d be right up their alley’. remains complete and utter bollocks.

    The Sun has changed political allegiance once in 2 decades, so the part about ‘buttering up past political leaders when the wind was about to change’ has only happened once too…

    However, I will accept (despite taking the piss out of that pillsbury doughboy faced fuckwit) they’re pretty much on the fence politically these days but as you don’t read it (though you seem to know an awful lot about it) you wouldn’t know that would you.

    Please respond with insults and cheap digs about a person you know nothing about outside of what you read online…

  91. Napoleon Says:

    “Please respond with insults and cheap digs about a person you know nothing about outside of what you read online…”

    That’s bloody rich, coming from you. This whole shit kicked off with your condescending little Dimbleby dig, where you inferred I knew fuck all about politics without first bothering to find out how much interest I actually take in the subject (which is a hell of a lot more than you, if the idiot, see-through political rants on display on your blog are anything to go by).

    In fact, you’ve spent the entire time I’ve been acquainted with you making assumptions about me based on absolutely nothing whatsoever. For example, you think, because you brag about your listening to Radio Four, or bang on about the marvellous food you create, or your sub-Ben Elton champagne socialist rants that you’re superior to me in everything you do – your eating habits, your culture, your political beliefs, etc. – and that I’m some kind of Stone Age troglodyte up t’north (as you wrongly write it) eating bones. You’ve surmised this from … oh, let me think … what you’ve read online! Pot, kettle, black, you rancid little oaf.

    As for The Sun’s supposed loathing of the toffs, and its ‘blue collar’ credentials? Let me remind you that this is the paper that spent thirteen years supporting a political party packed to the gills with toffs. Somebody assuming they might go back to their old ways isn’t bollocks.

  92. Mikey Says:

    Chaps, chaps…page 3 is the only page worth looking at in that paper.
    I didn’t know there was any Politics in the sun.
    Tits and Sport that’s what we like.

  93. Napoleon Says:

    I wouldn’t even say that, Mikey. Having the internet means you’ve got access to some pretty spectacular tits 24 hours a day. Those floppy melons on show in The Sun don’t cut it any more.

  94. Swineshead Says:

    *grudging respect*

  95. piqued Says:

    You paranoid arsehole.

    When have I ever given you the vaguest clue I think you’re some sort of ‘Stone Age troglodyte’? You’re the one that gives it all the working class hero shit which I’ve never bought for a second. Without wishing in anyway to praise your correspondence it’s abundantly clear that you’re not exactly stupid are you.

    So I inferred you know nothing about politics? So what, what does that have to do with your reality? This is fucking blog, like you I have an online persona in the same way you do, you know damn well I’m not fat and bald I have an inkling you don’t spend your days eating Bernard fucking Matthews and badger baiting.

    Nor did I ever set myself up as better than any fucker, self deprecation is fundamental to the blog to which you refer, sarcasm and aggression is largely projected and when I post comments, as you do, I’m largely showing off.

  96. Swineshead Says:

    Can I just point out that a rhetorical question still requires a question mark?

    Secondly – I don’t ‘show off’, I SMELL off.

  97. Mikey Says:

    should it not be implied “So I inferred you know nothing about politics?”

  98. Mikey Says:

    implied rather than inferred…

  99. piqued Says:

    Stop showing off, it’s very unattractive

  100. Mikey Says:

    Yes Napoleon you are showing your aristocracy again. Your factory worker does not have access to the internet at work. He gets his daily tits in the canteen reading the Sun.

  101. Napoleon Says:

    Then don’t write “Please respond with insults and cheap digs about a person you know nothing about outside of what you read online…” without expecting me to rise to the bait. You can’t have it both ways.

    And as for that ‘working class hero shit’ comment? If that’s the impression you’ve got of me, let me disabuse you of the notion. Yes, I’ve spent my life being a bit of a yobbo, and yes, I’ve landed in a fair amount of shit in my life, but the one thing I’ve never claimed to be is a working class hero. I’m sure Swineshead (who went to the same stultifyingly middle-class school I did) will attest to the fact I’ve always been an uncouth braggard, but a ‘working class hero’? New one on me, comrade.

  102. Swineshead Says:

    He’s not really been an uncouth braggard, he’s just been a bit of an arse.

  103. Napoleon Says:

    I also loved this line:

    “like you I have an online persona”

    Sorry, but I’m actually like this in real life too. I didn’t start fannying about on the internet just so I could pretend to be someone else.

  104. Napoleon Says:

    “He’s not really been an uncouth braggard, he’s just been a bit of an arse.”

    Forgive me, Swineshead. I had no idea the two descriptions were mutually exclusive.

  105. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Uncouth braggard’ has a bit of the Flashman about it. A bit of the dashing cad.

    But you’re just a bit of an arse. The bit where all the shit comes out – the ‘arsehole’ I think it’s called.

  106. Swineshead Says:

    * * *
    I also loved this line:

    “like you I have an online persona”

    Sorry, but I’m actually like this in real life too. I didn’t start fannying about on the internet just so I could pretend to be someone else.
    * * *

    You have an online persona whether you like it or not.
    I’m not taking sides here, it’s just obvious.

    You’re typing to converse which isn’t in any way a natural mode of communication. Therefore your thoughts are filtered in the time it takes to type and you have far more time to consider your response.

    Also, there’s nobody in front of you, so whether you like it or not, you’re emboldened by that.

  107. Napoleon Says:

    I see. Well it’s nice to see you have such a high opinion of me.

    You second-hand little turd.

  108. piqued Says:

    I already said I didn’t buy the ‘working class hero’ shit. And yes, in the past you’ve given that impression usually in order to reinforce some nonexistent north/south stereotype.

    The fact I cook my own food and listen to Radio 4 (in the morning and at 6.30, if I’m in) hardly constitutes ‘champagne socialism’ either…

  109. Mikey Says:

    actually looking back at these threads I might have been wrong with the imply / infer bit. It’s all a bit confusing really, all these quotes from each other.

  110. piqued Says:

    SH is right

    When the day comes for us to sit down in a pub and get pissed I’ve no doubt elements of what you pass for yourself online will be evident, as they will with me. But, I should imagine, you’ll probably a lot more civil than the way you present yourself in writing, as I will.

  111. Swineshead Says:

    *gets back on the fence*

    *gets fencepost stuck in rectum*

  112. Napoleon Says:

    Actually, I’m rather good at thinking on my feet, old son. As for not having anyone in front of me and therefore being ’emboldened’, you’ve clearly forgotten what a bull in a china shop I can be. I don’t need to hide behind an internet persona, just as I don’t feel the need to watch what I say to folk in real life. Just because the web is infested with bare-faced liars, cheats and scoundrels, doesn’t mean everyone’s like that.

    And you have, of course, got a very big nose.

  113. Mikey Says:

    Piqued when you say 6.30, I presume pm. I enjoy the news quiz but listen usually on Saturday.

  114. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – And you’ve assumed that because of what, exactly?

  115. piqued Says:

    I can’t imagine what you’d hoped to gain by moving to London and instantly pissing potential chums off by being fucking downright offensive to them.

    Yes, Mikey, pm.

  116. Mikey Says:

    Yes there are some quite funny prgrams on at 6.30pm on radio 4. I quite liked “Genius”. One guy suggested that apples in britain should be called “Potatoes of the sky”. Ostensibly to piss off the French!

  117. piqued Says:

    Best one was ‘I’m Sorry I havn’t a Clue’ with Humph *sniff*

    That truth show with David Mitchell is quite good too…

  118. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve seen four of those Genius shows being recorded…. it’s coming to TV soon.

  119. Napoleon Says:

    Hold on! Is that a white rabbit? YOU are accusing ME of being offensive? YOU?!

    *picks himself off floor*

    Words are failing me here! Seriously, for the first time in my entire life I have no idea what to say next!

  120. Clarys Says:


    Is it time of the month round here, or…?

    *hands out tea and hobnobs to soothe*

  121. dave Says:

    Mikey, that’s pretty brilliant. I’ll be sure to look that show up.

  122. piqued Says:

    I’m not as bad as you NC (am I?)

    Shall we take a vote?

  123. Mikey Says:

    It can be quite funny Dave. Definitely see if there are any downloads on r4 website. Infact I will take a look myself.

  124. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve heard that ‘potatoes of the sky’ thing somewhere else. It could be Little & Large in the 80s. It was definitely the 80s.

    Piqued – I’d say you’re a damn-sight worse than I, as it ‘appens. For a start, I still have a luscious full head of hair. And I’m not bald. Or old.

  125. Mikey Says:

    Listen again no longer available for Genius.

  126. Mikey Says:

    But found these on the website:

    Selling Bovril as a fizzy drink.

    Designing special summer clothing for Goths.

    Running the House of Commons by the rules of Just A Minute

    Steel drum urinals – for musical trips to the loo.

    Breathalysers on your mobile phone to stop you from making regrettable calls.

    Hooking up gym equipment to feed the national grid.

  127. piqued Says:

    Yes, you can see in that picture you edited of me that I’m not bald, or…. er, bald. Or fat (like you)

    You’re worse that me in terms of being rude. No question

  128. Clarys Says:

    *eats all the hobnobs*


    *has a good scratch*

  129. Swineshead Says:

    You can get it on BBC CD.

    Or here

    Not that I approve of that sort of thing. I saw these ones live:

    Richard Madeley
    Neil Innes
    Simon Munnery
    Matthew Wright

  130. Mikey Says:

    Nice one Swines..Cheers!

  131. Swineshead Says:

    Nothing to do with me, officer of the internet police.

  132. Napoleon Says:

    “Yes, you can see in that picture you edited of me that I’m not bald, or…. er, bald. Or fat (like you)”

    Glad you pointed that out. I meant to say ‘bald, FAT, and old’. Sorry about that (your hideous baldness stops me from concentrating).

    I’d change my opinion of your oldness/baldness/fatness if I had evidence to the contrary. Evidence by way of a photograph that was taken THIS century.

  133. piqued Says:

    You will have evidence when you see me just before I drink you under the fucking table

  134. Napoleon Says:

    Ho ho! That’ll be a sight to see*!

    *from my elevated position on a stool, watching you under a table, with me pissing**

    **pissing on you***

    ***that’s YOU

  135. piqued Says:

    You reckon?

    Very foolish words

    By the time I leave you’ll have soiled yourself and you’ll be begging me to finish you off with a spade


  136. Napoleon Says:

    How old are you? 15? I was bragging about how much more I could drink when I was around that age.

    Now, o’course, I leave the ‘drink you under the table’ boasting to the lightweights being stretchered away in an ambulance halfway through the evening.

    *downs another*

  137. piqued Says:

    Yes, I bet you were, I wasn’t, I was quite mature. Obviously doing it now is ironic.

    *doesn’t smile*

  138. Napoleon Says:

    Ironic? How old are you being now? 19?

    Demented old bastard.

  139. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    No, that’d be me.

    Better shoehorning this time.

  140. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I don’t drink competitively. It’s boring.

  141. dave Says:

    Nothing’s boring when you’re pissed.

  142. Mikey Says:

    Napoleon v Piqued.
    You are both WRONG.
    The sun supports Kelvin MacKenzie!!!!!!!!!!!

  143. Napoleon Says:

    Kelvin MacKenzie? The most Tory man in the world? Hardly makes me wrong, I’d say.

  144. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I don’t see Piqued offering me a drink, despite studying in London.


  145. piqued Says:

    You didn’t ask John.

    Mikey, you’re right.

    NC, have you brushed your teeth?

  146. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    No Friday question? Ok, then:

    Which daytime TV shows do you secretly enjoy, and why?

  147. piqued Says:

    I don’t watch daytime TV ever.

    I used to like Ready Steady Cook when I was a student.

  148. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Ever? Shocking, what are you, employed?

    Bargain Hunt is like old-porn.

  149. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Not that I secretly enjoy old-porn…

  150. John Q Wagonwheel Says:


  151. Napoleon Says:

    I have brushed my teeth, yes. And no, whatever you meant by that question, NO.

    Is Swineshead about? I’ve e-mailed him with a Friday Question suggestion, but have heard nothing back.

    Aaaand cue the ‘he’s not replying to you because he hates you’ comments …

  152. Napoleon Says:

    On a slightly different subject, what colour would you say James Hetfield’s hair is? I’ve done a picture of him in 1985 with gingerish hair, and he looks like Dave Mustaine.

  153. John Q Wagonwheel Says:


  154. Napoleon Says:

    Is it? I’ve got twenty five different photos here, and they range from orange to brown to yellow … it’s a pain in the arse is this.

  155. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    SH might be writing his book.

    I’d go for a cartoon blonde, actually. With chestnut roots.

  156. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Well, grey roots now.

  157. Clarry Says:

    JQW – I harbour enjoyment from Doctors. I like that it’s a separate little story every episode, like how the Bill used to be before it got all sexed up and was screened for an hour 4 times a week. With afros. However, it’s a bit inaccurate as I don’t think there’s many doctors that would make a house call because someone had a headache, was feeling a little off or just wanted to talk. The lazy bastards.

    SH seems to be otherwise engaged today. Not answering his emails nor nothing.

  158. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve not heard anything from him neither. Not even a link to a grossly overweight naked woman that still manages to catch me off guard.

  159. piqued Says:

    SH isn’t about today, back on Monday…

    Hetfield hair = mousey

  160. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve been looking at a 1984 picture that looks mousey. What’s been throwing me is the post 90s photos all look darker, and the one I’ve got for ’85 looks bright orange. I’ll stick with mousey.

  161. piqued Says:

    It’s how I see him in my minds eye but I suspect he is actually sadly ginger

  162. Napoleon Says:

    That’s what’s been niggling me. These photos range all over the place in colour, but ginger does keep creeping in. Strangely, the earlier ones (with the notable exception of ’85) look a lot less ginger than the later ones. I suppose he may have dyed it over the years.

    SHIT! That’s fucking interesting!

  163. piqued Says:

    But I am interested NC, I’ve been a Metallica fan for 20 years and whilst I’ll agree they’ve gone off the boil somewhat they’re still lovely and loud live.

    This means, of course, that hair related matters are of interest. Cliff had the best hair *sniff*

    I reserve hatred for Lars mind you, the little twat.

  164. Napoleon Says:

    Apparently, their latest is a return to form. I got that from this (dunno if you’ve read it or not):

  165. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I think that maybe Hatfield’s been going through a phase of standing under red lights. He’s that desperate. Sadly, it makes him look ginger so he’s not been getting any business.

  166. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    No offence, Dave. You racist.

  167. iamnotthebeatles Says:

    I didn’t understand why, when challenged about the connotation of the word ‘Roulette’ and the gambling industry by the audience, they didn’t reply about the fact it was obviously metaphorical gambling – ie The roulette of attraction and trying to attract somebody.

    Or maybe I misunderstood, maybe it really was just a connection to gambling websites just to get some pointless unconnected hard figures into their presentation.

  168. dave Says:

    They should create a scent exclusively for gingers. It should smell of cough sweets and self loathing.

  169. Napoleon Says:

    iamnotthbeatles – Didn’t it go like this, if memory serves:

    Claire: What’s manly?
    Lee: James Bond, he’s manly.
    Claire: What does James Bond like?
    Lee: Tits, booze and gambling, mainly.
    Claire: Gambling, eh? Hmmm …
    Lee: We could call it ‘Titssssss’?
    Claire: Gambling … gambling … gambling … aha!
    Lee: Uh?
    Claire: By George, Lee, I think I’ve got it!
    Lee: (Eating banana) Wha?
    Claire: We can call it … ‘Roulette’!

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