Archive for June 16th, 2008

I’m a manager of people

June 16, 2008

Mario

Watching BB on your behalf

Here’s the lowdown on Mario

Mario – Well, back home where we come from, we have a fan club.
Lisa – Mario was watched by 14 milion people on the Ant & Dec.
Mario – I’m 43 years old, i’ve spent years networking and meeting people, I know literally millions of people.
Lisa – Literally millions.
Mario – That is a literal amount of people.
Lisa – And he’s Project Manager of the biggest toilet installation firm in Warrington.
Mario – I think of meself, as I’ve said before, as a Manager of people. Feel me hair – it’s like a pineapple!
Lisa – His hair, eh? Like a pineapple ain’t it?
Mario – See, I’ve got experience of all this, so I wear me hair like a pineapple. Like they do on the Ant ‘n Dec. See Mikey?

Mikey walks into a wall

Mario – From a Health and Safety aspect, Mikey – that’s a no-no.

Continues to impress himself with tales of his time on Ant & Dec whilst holding mug of tea in manly fashion.

Fin

I’m a strong person, yeah?

June 16, 2008

Watching BB because nobody else is.

Here’s the lowdown on Alex.

Alex – Remember I told you
Other – Yeah bu…
Alex – Remember I told you
Other – But you’re just repeating yoursel…
Alex – Remember I told you
Other – Everything you’ve said is nonsensica…
Alex – Remember I told you
Other – But you’re clearly thick as pigshi…
Alex – Remember I told you
Other – That’s not a coherent argu…
Alex – Remember I told you
Other – Bu…
Alex – Remember I told you
Other – Wha…
Alex – Remember I told you
Other – *commits suicide*
Alex – Remember I told you
Other – *silence*
Alex – Remember I told you
Alex – Remember I told you
Alex – Remember I told you
Alex – Remember I told you
Alex – Remember I told you
Alex – Remember I told you
Alex – Remember I told you
Alex – Remember I told you
Alex – Remember I told you
Alex – Remember I told you
Alex – Remember I told you

(FADE OUT)

The Jeremy Kyle Show

June 16, 2008

Jeremy Kyle

– “Hello, and welcome to today’s Jeremy Kyle show. I’d like you all to meet Donna!”
– “WOO!”
– “YEAH!”
– “Fucking bitch!”
– “Donna, hi, welcome to the Jeremy Kyle show.”
– “Hi!”
– “Now, you’re here because you suspect your boyfriend Lee has picked up a sexually transmitted disease after sleeping with another woman, is that right?”
– “That’s right, Jeremy, yes.”
– “So … not giving him want he wants at home, eh?”
– “What?”
– “Oh, don’t come the bloody innocent with me, girl! I wasn’t born yesterday, you know! You’re barren, that’s the problem here isn’t it?”
– “Barren …”
– “DON’T INTERRUPT ME!”
– “I wasn’t …”
– “Just answer the question!”
– “I don’t know what you mean, Jeremy.”
– “Stupid as well as infertile, eh? Typical! Well I suppose we’d best drag the mutant you’re sleeping with out here …”
– “Wha?”
– “Ladies, and gentlemen! Please welcome Lee!”
– “BOOO!”
– “HISSS!”
– “BASTARD!”
– “Lee, hi, welcome to the Jeremy Kyle show.”
– “Alright?”
– “DON’T TAKE THAT BLOODY TONE WITH ME, YOUNG MAN! You might think you can have it your own way when you’re fishing around in this bitch’s knickers back home in whatever cave you people live in, but you’re not bloody-well getting away with here, understand?”
– “Eh?”
– “I SAID ‘DO YOU UNDERSTAND’?!”
– “Yes!”
– “You got a brain, Lee?”
– “What?”
– “A brain! What’s up there, in your head! What makes your arms and legs move! The thing that makes you sleep around behind the massive back of this monstrous ogre you’ve saddled yourself with, you stupid little bastard!”
– “I’ve not done bin sleeping b’yind ‘er back, like!”
– “YES YOU HAVE, YOU BLOODY LIAR!”
– “I’yaven’t!”
– “HOW DARE YOU! YOU COME HERE, ON MY STAGE, AND DARE TO TELL ME YOU’RE NOT SLEEPING AROUND??”
– “I … I …”
– “DON’T YOU DARE!”
– “But … I …”
– “I SAID ‘DON’T YOU DARE’!”
– “I …”
– “ADMIT IT!”
– “Hnnn …”
– “CONFESS!”
– “Bu …”
– “CONFESS!”
– “Huurr …”
– “CONFESS! CONFESS! CONF …”
– “Alright, alright! I’YAVE BIN SLEEPING B’YIND ‘ER BACK!”
– “AHA! I KNEW IT! GUARDS! TAKE THIS ADULTERER AWAY AND TEAR OUT HIS TONGUE!”
– “NO! WAIT! PLEEEEAAASE … AAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!”
– “Right! After the break we’ll meet Carrie. She suspects boyfriend Tony wasn’t telling her the full truth when she found a strange phone number in his work jeans!”
– “WOOOOO!”
– “We’ll be right back!”