The Jeremy Kyle Show

by

Jeremy Kyle

– “Hello, and welcome to today’s Jeremy Kyle show. I’d like you all to meet Donna!”
– “WOO!”
– “YEAH!”
– “Fucking bitch!”
– “Donna, hi, welcome to the Jeremy Kyle show.”
– “Hi!”
– “Now, you’re here because you suspect your boyfriend Lee has picked up a sexually transmitted disease after sleeping with another woman, is that right?”
– “That’s right, Jeremy, yes.”
– “So … not giving him want he wants at home, eh?”
– “What?”
– “Oh, don’t come the bloody innocent with me, girl! I wasn’t born yesterday, you know! You’re barren, that’s the problem here isn’t it?”
– “Barren …”
– “DON’T INTERRUPT ME!”
– “I wasn’t …”
– “Just answer the question!”
– “I don’t know what you mean, Jeremy.”
– “Stupid as well as infertile, eh? Typical! Well I suppose we’d best drag the mutant you’re sleeping with out here …”
– “Wha?”
– “Ladies, and gentlemen! Please welcome Lee!”
– “BOOO!”
– “HISSS!”
– “BASTARD!”
– “Lee, hi, welcome to the Jeremy Kyle show.”
– “Alright?”
– “DON’T TAKE THAT BLOODY TONE WITH ME, YOUNG MAN! You might think you can have it your own way when you’re fishing around in this bitch’s knickers back home in whatever cave you people live in, but you’re not bloody-well getting away with here, understand?”
– “Eh?”
– “I SAID ‘DO YOU UNDERSTAND’?!”
– “Yes!”
– “You got a brain, Lee?”
– “What?”
– “A brain! What’s up there, in your head! What makes your arms and legs move! The thing that makes you sleep around behind the massive back of this monstrous ogre you’ve saddled yourself with, you stupid little bastard!”
– “I’ve not done bin sleeping b’yind ‘er back, like!”
– “YES YOU HAVE, YOU BLOODY LIAR!”
– “I’yaven’t!”
– “HOW DARE YOU! YOU COME HERE, ON MY STAGE, AND DARE TO TELL ME YOU’RE NOT SLEEPING AROUND??”
– “I … I …”
– “DON’T YOU DARE!”
– “But … I …”
– “I SAID ‘DON’T YOU DARE’!”
– “I …”
– “ADMIT IT!”
– “Hnnn …”
– “CONFESS!”
– “Bu …”
– “CONFESS!”
– “Huurr …”
– “CONFESS! CONFESS! CONF …”
– “Alright, alright! I’YAVE BIN SLEEPING B’YIND ‘ER BACK!”
– “AHA! I KNEW IT! GUARDS! TAKE THIS ADULTERER AWAY AND TEAR OUT HIS TONGUE!”
– “NO! WAIT! PLEEEEAAASE … AAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!”
– “Right! After the break we’ll meet Carrie. She suspects boyfriend Tony wasn’t telling her the full truth when she found a strange phone number in his work jeans!”
– “WOOOOO!”
– “We’ll be right back!”

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62 Responses to “The Jeremy Kyle Show”

  1. Middle Man Says:

    I think I saw that episode……several times. You might enjoy these:

    http://caughtinthemiddleman.wordpress.com/2008/03/14/i-blame-jeremy-kyle/

    http://caughtinthemiddleman.wordpress.com/2007/07/19/the-times-they-are-a-changin-part-3/

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Everyone knows the participants (are they contestants?) don’t get tortured for their misdemeanours – they get intense counselling at a psychotherapy boot camp. Which is probably production shorthand for handing them the number for the samaritans.

    Everything about the Jeremy Kyle show is terrible. They could at least hand out prizes and have a few dancing girls in bikinis. Add a bit of sparkle.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    RF – Jezza K despises you back – don’t you worry about that.

    You and the rest of the snivelling, lying, cheating hoarde of unwashed mugs they call ‘The General Public’.

  4. Dave Medlo Says:

    Oops. RF is me. Do me a favour would you Swineshead and remove the comment? Shouldn’t have posted under that name as it’s not public yet.
    Ta very much.

    And I know Jeremy hates us all, no matter what name we go by. “But at least you’ve got to respect my opinon” as I believe he says in the opening credits – no we don’t Jezza, you pituitary gland retard, we have to hate you for it as you’re nothing more than a slum tourist, trawling your way through the great unwashed so you and your middle class demographic can gape openmouthed at their lack of civilization.

    Honestly, it’s like Brave New World with their trips to the savage reservations of humanity.

  5. Dave Medlo Says:

    “Honestly, it’s like Brave New World with their trips to the savage reservations of humanity.”

    I think that may be the most astutue / pretentious thing I’ve ever written.

  6. goodbyetoallfat Says:

    Along with The Urban Woo’s post a short while back about the dire programme that is Loose Women, I think the Jeremy Kyle Show is just further proof that TV schedulers are in secret deals with the government to try and reduce the number of “sickies” taken by British workers, which (allegedly) cost British industry about £5 billion a year.

    With crap like this on TV all day, I can’t imagine anyone who would prefer to drag themselves out of bed and face work and their colleagues, which have got to be more interesting than Jeremy Kyle and Loose Women … unless of course your job is as a researcher on one of those TV shows, in which case I suspect that it is *you* who has been taking all the duvet days !!!

  7. Swineshead Says:

    Ah Sharon – those of us with modern V or Sky+ boxes don’t need to worry about scheduling any more… our sick days are made up of watching old episodes of Black Books and Faking It. And anyone with a computer can just get themselves involved in a Youtube loop. Technology gas meddled with the nature of the standard sickday.

    Dave – I have carried out your sick comment-removal desire.

  8. Dave Medlo Says:

    Thank you, you’re a gentleman…

  9. dave Says:

    Reminds me of when I went to see the Jerry Springer Show – Same studio.

    The whole thing looked rehearsed, and the audience was silent throughout. Strange, seeing the edited result, that we seemingly heckled like animals, though. TV is Magical.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    Dave, you’re not alone in having visited a worthless daytime TV show studio during filming. I went to see Vanessa before she was axed for faking it. My top tip is to not go to a Kilroy-style chatshow half drunk and on soft drugs.

  11. dave Says:

    Swineshead, your advice is a tad late. I cannot describe to you the terror I felt.

  12. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    I saw Kilroy being recorded. He smelt of women’s perfume. No wonder they later found out he didn’t like Arabs.

  13. Clarry Says:

    Yeah, but we all know that Robert Kilroy Silk loses his mind in shopping centres, hiding in freezers and urinating on the windows of shops.

  14. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    Hiding in freezers? I’ve missed that one.

  15. Clarry Says:

    Jam?

  16. Swineshead Says:

    There you go…

  17. Swineshead Says:

    By the way – welcome Marchmount Fadadderer O’Cladgeblatter.

    Unrelated – but I wonder where NC is today.

  18. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    Oh right. A nude man who doesn’t look like Kilroy running around a shopping centre. I see. I thought he’d genuinely gawn bonkers.

  19. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    Thanks for that, Swineshead. It’s nice to be personally welcomed by this site’s administrator. Makes you feel special.

    *feels special*

    See?

  20. Clarry Says:

    MFO’C – I like the way you weren’t surprised at the thought of Kilroy urinating on a shop window, but drew the line at him hiding in freezers…

  21. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    I’d say hiding in a freezer shows signs of mental instability in a way pissing up a shop window doesn’t. We’ve all pissed up shop windows – even women, who either can’t piss standing up, or can’t piss at all (I forget which one’s correct). Anyway, that’s that.

  22. Swineshead Says:

    Women can’t piss – I think wee dribbles from their tear-ducts when they get all bleedy instead.

  23. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Good to see Jam getting more publicity there.

  24. Swineshead Says:

    JQW – eh?

  25. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    Is that how it works? I’ll take your word for it.

    Jam?

  26. piqued Says:

    I’ve never seen The JKS because I simply don’t understand why I would. I’m not doing the whole holier than thou thing, honestly, I just don’t get it. To me it’s like Songs of Praise. Why?

  27. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    The Jeremy Kyle Show serves no valuable purpose at all, as far as I’m aware. Unlike Songs of Praise, which showcases GILFs.

  28. Swineshead Says:

    Well – it exists, it’s controversial, therefore to engage with the world you live in it’s useful to have seen it. It also gives exposure to a whole classification of people who otherwise would be left under their rock.

    And Jeremy Kyle himself is proof that evil exists.

    MFO’C:
    Jam = Chris Morris = him off Brass Eye/Day Today = source of Kilroy clip

  29. Swineshead Says:

    Songs of Praise is brilliant if you fancy a Sunday night singalong.

    Heeeee who would valiant beeee

    Come on!

    ‘Gainst all disaster…

    Join in!

    Let him in constancy

    On your feet!

    Follow the master

    *dances*

  30. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    Oh right. I never got on with that Jam thing.

  31. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    Songs of Praise is great. There was this bird in the third row last night, and she was a corker. Butterfly glasses, tweed coat, handbag, gigantic udders, dicky knee … lovely.

  32. piqued Says:

    Isn’t the JKS on one of those local satellite channels that mainly hosts a perpetual ‘game show’ where you’re charged 56 quid a minute to hold the line for a morning before getting the chance to guess any number between 1 and 10,4678 and the chance to win a 2 inch thick teapot that’s been hand painted by someone with Downs Syndrome in Ghana?

    Or is it on ITV? Hang on, I’ve just described ITV.

  33. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    ITV’s gone downhill since … hang on … since … 1983, was it? When did they stop making Rising Damp?

  34. piqued Says:

    Did ITV ever have an uphill?

    As far as I’m concerned Harry Hill’s TV Burp and Tiswas were the only 2 things that have even been worth watching on that channel, and I wasn’t allowed to watch the latter.

    ITV is the TV equivalent of The Daily Express.

  35. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    Rising Damp was alright too. And Morse and The Sweeney. And Taggart before Taggart died. They’ve done some good stuff, just not that much good stuff. Frost’s alright too, thinking about it.

  36. piqued Says:

    I suppose I used like to Morse, the rest I’d not cross the road to help if it were offering me a cash reward

  37. Who Says:

    That was me on Songs of Praise, ME. I knew MFO’C would be watching so I wore my best knee bandage, all special like.

  38. Mikey Says:

    Morse is OK, but 2 hours!!??
    ITV did Minder which was great.
    Songs of Praise …ahh reminds me of gentler times. Also BBC has to do a religious program on Sunday.
    JKS utter total garbage for white trash!

  39. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    That was you was it? Well I must say that bandage looked very fetching, Who. It matched your cataracts …

    *pop!*

  40. Swineshead Says:

    Sorry Mikey – but that’s racist.

    *puts Mikey on list*

  41. Swineshead Says:

    MFO’C – have a shufty at this:

  42. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    Christ Almighty! Lovely stuff. I’ll bet she ain’t single, mind. The best ones never are.

  43. Dave Medlo Says:

    I did go to see a daytime TV show once, but it was so long ago I forget what it was… Gloria Hunniford hosted it and Darren Day was a guest, that I much I recall. I must have been…ooooh… 12 or so at the time.

    Christ that’s nearly 20 years ago. Fuck me I’m feeling old.

    Not to pimp my own stuff too much, but here was our little tribute to Kilroy…

  44. piqued Says:

    I saw Jim’ll Fix It whe I were a nipper

    He fixed it for me to get a fiddled with by a BBC cameraman

  45. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    I liked the way Savile had no qualms about blowing cigar smoke in kids’ faces. That was back in the day when adults ruled the world, o’course. He’d be lynched if he tried that on now.

  46. Swineshead Says:

    That’s technically flirting, isn’t it?

  47. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    It might be. You’d have to take it up with Savile.

  48. piqued Says:

    I like to call him Jim’ll, as I’ve met him you have to as well

    The BBC cameraman was called Auntie Colin

  49. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    I wasn’t molested by a cameraman when I met him (alas, alas), but I still think I’ve got the right to call him ‘Savile’ as opposed to ‘Jim’ll’.

  50. piqued Says:

    Of course, you may call call him ‘Savile’ but as he’s called Jim’ll SAVILLE you’ve not a leg to stand on and not only do I win, I win with my hands down on the jolly old ground

  51. piqued Says:

    (Auntie Colins beard smelt of mackerel)

  52. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    He’s only got the one ‘l’ in his surname, you dunderheaded buffoon. You’ve shown yourself up today. Right up.

    *looks up*

    That’s right – up there.

  53. Swineshead Says:

    Savile is better (if incorrect) as it reads as ‘Sav-eel’ which sounds dead exotic. Let us merge the two so we have the sonderful conglomeration:

    JIM’LL SAVILE

  54. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    It’s not incorrect. I am the only one that knows you spell it ‘Savile’ and not ‘Saville’ (which is the wrong way of spelling it).

  55. Swineshead Says:

    You could be right, I’m not very much up on trivia regarding the decrepit old sod.

  56. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    It’s not a case of coulding being right, it’s a case of issing being right. It’s ‘Savile’, and that’s a cast-iron Marchmount Fadadderer O’Cladgeblatter FACT. You people are just wrong. ‘Saville’, indeed!

  57. Swineshead Says:

    Are you having a pop at me?

  58. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    Yep. AND I’m pointing out that a backed-up head-turd lives in your brain bottom, causing you to fart out words like ‘Saville’ instead of ‘Savile’. You should take some mind-laxative. Big nose.

  59. Swineshead Says:

    My nose is lovely and distinctive, unlike your misshapen twat-conk.

  60. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    You cunt. My nose is great, unlike that honking great hooter attached to your fizzog. Anyway, you don’t know who I am or what my nose looks like.

  61. alice Says:

    can i be on you show as mi boiifriewnd is being gay he wont

  62. Jeremy Kyle « Grumbling Tummy Says:

    […] If you’re new here then where have you been? You should subscribe to my RSS newsfeed so you don’t miss all the cool stuff going on here. Thanks for visiting!Anyone who’s watched The Jeremy Kyle Show will know what the following clip is all about and for those who’ve not seen it, you may wish to have a read over this review. […]

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