As if we weren’t bored enough by it in the first place, Mad May returns to the Square to try and nick Dawn’s fucking baby. Again.

Now – this baby used to be nothing but a source of stress for young, crumple-faced Dawn who would attempt to foist it on any willing baby-sitter going so she could go out with unrealistic best mates Shabs and Carlie on the razz. Now that Carlie’s conveniently disappeared and Shabnam appears to have been locked in a basement, the coast is clear for Dawn to act like a responsible mother again – one who actually gives a shit about her baby. And as we all know, this means guaranteed boredom for those of us who watch this crap as May – the Howard’s Way type actress who looks like she’s on the wrong set – turns the lunacy up to eleven and we’re shown a bajillion shots of Dawn running away from something uninteresting. Hoo-fucking-ray. They’re trailing this rubbish as though we’re all excited about it. It’s a fucking disgrace.

It was entirely unrealistic in the first place. May and her husband could easily have adopted from overseas what with them both being rich, young professionals. Why would they want an infant from a working-class gene pool? If they were going to go for a peasant child, it might as well be an ethnic one, like Madonna’s or Jolie’s.

So what involving storylines have we got to keep us going while all this sprog-theft is going on? Since Bradley and Stacey broke up – nothing whatsoever. It’s enough to make you miss Max Branning.

Heather and Minty and Gal and Shirl and Bobby bleeding Davro can get lost. The Slaters are relying on schizophrenic Jean for laughs, which seems a bit off. Bradley’s starring in the most ill-thought out Indecent Proposal thread going – and even if the Millers ever find that lottery ticket after all this time, I’ve lost all patience by now. Phil Mitchell must’ve exploded, as he’s not been huffing and wheezing behind his bar for weeks.

And in other news – where on God’s green earth is Billy? Apparently he turned up for five-a-side training a week ago and he’s been mentioned in conversation as though he’s been about – but clearly Perry Fenwick is on some kind of sabbatical as I’ve seen hide nor hair of his E.T-shaped head for months. He’s even taken Honey and his kids with him, though admittedly that’s actually a massive blessing.

Despite the fact I’ve said this a million times before and never come good on the promise – if things don’t get spicy – and fast – I’m leaving Walford for good.

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36 Responses to “EastEnders”

  1. Mikey Says:

    Eastenders and Football is always embarrasing. Well actually Eastenders is embarrasing. Last time I watched, Walford Town were on the up, cheered on by Arthur. How is Walford town doing these days?

  2. Swineshead Says:

    No idea, Mikey. But have you seen Billy about? I miss Perry Fenwick.

  3. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    The show’s got even shitter of late. Shitter than it usually is, that is. I can’t think of one bloody storyline I’m interested in. And you’re right – where the bloody hell have Phil and Billy buggered off to? It’s a rum deal when the writers have to rely on shithouses like the Millers. You can tell something’s not right – Mickey’s had more lines in the past couple of weeks than he’s had over the previous three years. RUBBISH!

  4. dave Says:

    Just a thought. Could this be a storyline shelved because of the McCannes? Certainly possible.

    Also, Dawn’s fucking hot. She’s given me a scarf fetish, the most inoffensive, accessible kind of fetish to have, I reckon. Unless I end up dressing as Tom Baker and flashing a granny in Ethel Austins.

  5. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    Nothing wrong with flashing a granny, Dave. Oh yes.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    You fancy Dawn?
    When the delightful women of colour Shabnam and Chelsea are up for grabs, n’all…

    I think we all know where I’m going with this.

    Nice to see you, MFO’C, by the way. In the absence of Napoleon it’s nice to have someone about who speaks in an eerily familar way.

  7. Ed Says:

    Walford Town got taken over by a dodgy Armenian oil billionaire and moved to Basingstoke where (now called Basingstoke Titans) they have reached BetNow MegaLeague One. The irate Walford fans (both of them) created their own fan-run side, AC Walford, which currently plies its trade in the Izal Cleaning Products League Division Five (East).

  8. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    Thanks, Swineshead. I have the oddest feeling that this Napoleon character will resurface at exactly the same time I mysteriously disappear. Don’t question this.

    I’ll add my voice to the Dawn love-in. I like the way she shpeaks with a shlight lishp. There’sh shomething rather shexy about that …

    … and her cleavage, obviously.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Yes, that weird Connery-esque twang to her voice is quite shenshuous.

    She’s an Arsenal fan too, to add to the fun. (To the extent that women are capable of supporting football teams – ie wearing a replica shirt and looking at mens’ legs).

  10. dave Says:

    Would a racist masturbate whilst watching Trisha Goddard? Case closed.

    You can back me up on this one too, Marchmount Fadadderer O’Cladgeblatter.

  11. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    Women? As football fans? Ho ho! Pull the other one, etc.

  12. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    Sounds a bit racist to me, Dave. I don’t know who you are, but I hope you’re not one of them racists. You’re not, are you?

  13. John A Thomson Says:

    God! You do watch a load of shite! I’d say you need some medical help, but I hear Dr Raj Persaud is in the throws of being disciplined by the BMA and I can’t think of any other TV head doctors that can save you!

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Kara Tointon – aka Dawn off Eastenders – certainly isn’t a racist. Here she is getting a piggy back from our rubbish central defender, William ‘over-emotional’ Gallas.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    John Thomson – I watch it for you lot, not for myself. You’d do well to bear that in mind.

  16. Mikey Says:

    That Dr Raj Persaud. He’s a card!

  17. Mikey Says:

    William Gallas is a great defender. At Chelsea he was great! The loss of Gallas probably cost Chelsea the Premiership the season before last.

  18. badgermadge Says:

    I’m with you. Phil hans’t been in it as he’s hurt his paw/flank/arm

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Mikey – he’s lost form, at least. You have to agree with that. Thuram was making him look good the other night.

    He’d better shape up, Toure should always have been captain.

  20. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    Is that right, Badger? Was he being baited at the time? I hear those mastiffs can cause a lot of damage.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    Phil Mitchell’s into dogging (like Mario and Lisa off BB according to Gilbert). I read about it in the Daily Bastard. He probably trapped his forearm in a car window.

  22. Mikey Says:

    Thuram was making me look good the other night!
    I’m not a gooner so Captaincy issues no concern to me, though Gallas did seem to get fast tracked.

    John A. Thompson–Yes we do! We do have the odd write up of days out, which incidentally I should mention article about Jack the Ripper in The Times today.

    When can we have another day-out write up a la Jack the Ripper museum?

  23. Swineshead Says:

    I could do one on my visit to the White Cube if you like.
    Though I don’t usually do requests, you bastard.

  24. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    Not that I write on here, but I recently went to an exhiibition of the shit clothes that hag Vivenne Westwood designs. That was a shit day out for all the family. YOUR KIDS WILL CRY.

  25. Mikey Says:

    That would be good. I am a simple man when it comes to art. I know what I like and I like what I know.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    I think I went to that exhibition – is it the same one that was at the Victoria and Albert museum? Loads of clothes on display. A bit about the Sex Pistols. Mercifully brief, it was.

  27. Marchmount Fadadderer O'Cladgeblatter Says:

    It was, Swineshead. It’s turned into a travelling show now, so we in the regions can get a glimpse of the shit clothes seven people in London were prepared to wear in 1977. A load of rubbish it was … though at least it was brief, as you say.

  28. Swineshead Says:

    This ‘Hell’ exhibition by Jake and Dinos Chapman was quite good. Free, at least. But crammed with arseholes. Literally crammed.

  29. Clarry Says:

    I’ve seen lots of the Chapman bros work. I think they should stop it. Immediately. Bored of seeing kids with cocks for noses, plugging in with other kids. Was only vaguely shocking the first time. And the ‘Hell’ and ‘Disasters of War’ type pieces are just Hieronymus Bosch paintings in 3D.

  30. Napoleon Says:

    Hello there! Cor! That Marchmount Fadadderer O’Cladgeblatter could talk the back legs off a donkey, what, what? Hopefully we’ll hear no more from him.

    Anyway, I don’t mind those Chapman buggers. It’s that drunken bitch who puts shit-spattered beds and tents up in galleries that gets my goat. And that idiot who did a plaster-cast of the inside of a house. And that turnip what cuts animals in half. And the rest of ’em. Bastards.

  31. Mikey Says:

    And the bloke who put a piece of pavement in the tate modern. I could have done that! Indeed I may as well chuck any old junk that I can find in the street in the tate and say…there you go, you are thinking about it..it must be art!

  32. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve done that review now.

    Mikey – surely the ‘I could’ve done that’ argument is irrelevant as you didn’t do it, or think of doing it, no matter what ‘it’ might be…

    Anyway – answer in the new thread, if you would be so kind…

  33. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve done that review now.

    Mikey – surely the ‘I could’ve done that’ argument is irrelevant as you didn’t do it, or think of doing it, no matter what ‘it’ might be…

    Anyway – answer in the new thread, if you would be so kind…

  34. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve never understood that notion, personally. ‘It must be art because you’ve had an emotional response to it’. I had an emotional response to Sandra Bullock’s cleavage in Demolition Man – does that make those boobs art?

    They should form some sort of council of the wise to decide what is and what isn’t art. You could have that plummy-voiced fella on it, and Lorraine Kelly.

    (I’ve just remembered Hitler did something along these lines … only without Lorraine Kelly.)

  35. Swineshead Says:

    That wasn’t an emotional response, it was a semi.

    Anyway – to the other thread!

  36. Napoleon Says:

    I get quite emotional when I think about Sandra Bullock’s tits.

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