Fucking Hell

by

Fucking Hell

I don’t usually leave the confines of my hovel, unless it’s to buy milk or biscuits. Despite my better judgement, I made the effort to visit the White Cube gallery in London’s glamorous Piccadilly last Saturday in order to see Jake and Dinos Chapmans’ ‘Fucking Hell’. The next room housed their ‘If Hitler Had Been A Hippy How Happy Would He Be?’ It’s the former I’ll attempt to review, as the latter was shit.

So – ‘Fucking Hell’. Firstly – the gallery was crammed – which is always bloody irritating. Trying to poke your head through a couple of haircuts to catch a glimpse isn’t at one with the essential nature of art, surely? You’re meant to be free to contemplate, getting all pensive about the work in front of you and coming to glorious conclusions about the nature of everything.

That’s not possible when you’re getting irritated by the prick with the bad breath and the clear-framed media spectacles whose babbling on like a twit about contextual continuity to his exotically ugly bird. But that’s not really the Chapman’s fault. They need to make The White Cube a bit more oblong to house the ponces who inhabit it.

The nine cases display a vision of hell on an epic, yet miniature scale. The detail is inescapable immediately upon setting your eyes on it. A lot of work has gone into the placement of the figures and the fine tuning involved in painting them. With every slight eye movement there’s a new scenario, set up solely to shock. Skeletal Nazi stormtroopers float on a raft with smiley face paint daubed on them. Stephen Hawking sits in a military wheelchair for no apparent reason. Severed heads on sticks protrude from the ground a countless number of times. Pigs seem to shit out the dead whilst eating severed limbs. Figures wander the terrain with skin half flogged off. Crucifixes hang deformed weird humanoid creatures with multiple heads. Peek through a broken window and bizarre Nazi experiments are being carried out, just a little too far away to be distinct. A factory appears to be fashioning numerous Hitlers from a collection of torn off arms and legs.

It’s all quite horrifying.

But once you’ve seen the first box, all of which are arranged in a swastika formation, you’ve kind of seen them all. The extent of the destruction and plasticated violence becomes irrelevant, serving only to highlight how banal it all becomes. The violence is replicated to some extent – with cloned figures seeming to go through the motions by box nine. There are slight variations on location – a ruined building for one, a factory for another, a church – but the violence pretty much remains the same with minute changes from area to area. There are little touches – Hitler the painter with his easel and palette, the baptised baby with the moustached dictators head etc… that all force a smile, but beyond that it’s carnage for the sake of carnage.

Visiting only out of curiosity rather than to bore people in bars about how amazing I thought it all was, when it came to thinking through what this all actually meant, I could only come up with the following. Jake and Dinos Chapman make art to shock, first and foremost. The fact that they are masters of their craft makes their work entertaining, but in terms of its significance, very little is said here. They play with the shocking imagery of Nazi regalia haphazardly, with no real accuracy or thought. They scatter violence without prejudging the intelligence and sensitivity of the viewer and they make little visual gags among morbid scenes for their own amusement. It’s childish.

Having said that – it is an epic, brilliantly realised and painstakingly constructed immaturity. You can’t help but be impressed by the scale and craftmanship involved in making this nightmare unfold – not least when you consider the first version burnt to a melty pulp in a warehouse. I’m not sure if celebrating glee in the horrific is necessarily a good or a bad thing, but it passed a Saturday afternoon pleasingly enough.

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177 Responses to “Fucking Hell”

  1. Napoleon Says:

    I quite like these fellas. Mind you, I find what they do is more model-making than art. They could do a healthy sideline working for Games Workshop painting elves.

    I’m not so sure about the kids with cocks attached to their heads. Hollywood creature shops? I could see something like that in a Hellraiser film, I suppose.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    It is a bit Citadel Miniatures, isn’t it?

    Those kids in trainers were quite good. You wouldn’t want your granny to see them though.

  3. Napoleon Says:

    Citadel Miniatures? Is that the same as Games Workshop? Elves and dwarves and shit? Made out o’ lead?

  4. Swineshead Says:

    Yes. Similar. I was agreeing with you.

    You should’ve seen the crowd at this gallery. I was furious just standing among them.

  5. Mikey Says:

    Mikey – surely the ‘I could’ve done that’ argument is irrelevant as you didn’t do it, or think of doing it, no matter what ‘it’ might be…

    No, but I could have done it and I am able to think about putting any old junk in the gallery. But I am not an artist, so why bother hauling a litter bin with an empty can of white lightening and the remnants of a kebab in it to a modern art gallery? I do not know, but I would suggest that the skill of an artist is the ability to create something that is beyond the average.

  6. Napoleon Says:

    From your description of the twat in the glasses, the crowd don’t sound like my kind of people. MY kind of people are the same as Barrymore’s kind of people … oh, hold on … I mean the people he used to make do songs in shopping centres, not the ones he collaborated with when raping and murdering a drugged-up meat inspector (allegedly).

  7. Swineshead Says:

    That’s a big ‘allegedly’ you’ve included there, NC.

    You could haul a load of shit into a gallery, Mikey, but you wouldn’t be able to give a reason for why you did it beyond ‘I wanted to make one million quids’.

  8. Napoleon Says:

    I thought I’d better shove that ‘allegedly’ in there, just in case Barrymore’s reading this. Mind you, I’m always of the opinion that there’s no smoke without fire, and therefore firmly believe the former funnyman murdered that meat inspector by pushing broken glass up his arse, allegedly, again.

  9. Napoleon Says:

    In fact, that could be a new verb – to Lubbock. “Ye Gods! Look at the state of his arse! And is that drugs I can smell?” “Yes, inspector, I’m afraid the victim’s been lubbocked … by Michael Barrymore, allegedly.”

  10. Mikey Says:

    Yes I would, I am reflecting modern day society. Think of it, an empty can of white lightening and the remanants of a kebab in a black litter bin! Whatever your reaction to my masterpiece even if you ignored it, I would then say , yes it has provoked emotion. Then i would put my million pound price tag on it, and then piss in the bin. Now that’s art!

  11. Napoleon Says:

    That sounds like rubbish art, Mikey.

    See what I did there? ‘Rubbish art’?

    Because it’s made from rubbish, AND it’s rubbish?

    Yes?

    Hello?

  12. Clarry Says:

    As I said before….

    “I’ve seen lots of the Chapman bros work. I think they should stop it. Immediately. Bored of seeing kids with cocks for noses, plugging in with other kids. Was only vaguely shocking the first time. And the ‘Hell’ and ‘Disasters of War’ type pieces are just Hieronymus Bosch paintings in 3D.”

    Don’t get me started on art and the what is art? debate. I trained in fine art, and I left because of art school types. People who told me I had to like their paintings as they were abused as a child, and as their art was about the aforementioned abuse then I was belittling them if I didn’t like it. Shit like that makes my blood boil…..

    In some cases I can understand that artists may wish to express themselves in a format, which to the uneducated may appear to be something that a retarded 4 year old could produce (in order to stimulate the mind), but I would like to believe that those same artists do in fact possess the skills to paint a figurative piece with some degree of ability, but choose not to utilise them. Unfortunately, I think there is a glut of ‘artists’ about at the minute who can’t draw and/or paint for shit and are cashing in on the gullable with their shock tactics.

  13. Mikey Says:

    Yes Napoleon. You see my art works on so many different levels. you have interpreted it very well.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    We can say that J&D C have at least got craftmanship though, can’t we?

  15. Napoleon Says:

    I’d agree with that, Swineshead. The way they can open a packet of Games Workshop plastic skeletons, paint them a muddy grey/brown, fit them with wee little Nazi hats, and then surround them with wire and swastikas is a glory to behold.

  16. Mikey Says:

    Clarry, yes the is it art debate will always lead to…every thing can be considered art. Simple logic and common sense wishes to reject this concept. Modern art is for the most part for the gullible and perhaps this is what the artist is saying.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Yes, NC. Yes, it is.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    My favourite kind of art begins with an ‘f’, if you know what I mean.

    *unleashes furious parp stench*

  19. Napoleon Says:

    I did ’em a disservice there, to be honest. I personally like the Chapman’s stuff, even if it is just mainly tiny screaming Nazis getting their comeuppance. Beats that bugger who stuck a piece of Blu-Tac to a wall and won the Turner Prize.

  20. Clarry Says:

    I don’t know Mikey…. I’m quite certain that many of the pieces you see in modern art galleries don’t have the multi-layered meaning that critics grant them.

    Personally I like to see and appreciate an artist that can really paint. And with actual paint, not elephant shit, blood or faeces just to make a point.

  21. Napoleon Says:

    What if it’s elephant shit laid by a GOLD elephant with wings from outer space?

  22. Mikey Says:

    Yes i agree Clarry, I like to see a skill in the art. Which brings me to a point that I am chewing over. Since television, art has died. Why? The context of art has changed. Before modern society, art was a form of documentation, of affirming the World in any context, in a visual representation. This is not needed today.

  23. Clarry Says:

    Has anyone seen Sarah Lucas’s piece ‘The man who sold the world’? A lorry cab with porn glued to every surface of the interior, with a body-less model arm suspended in the cab that moves up and down to simulate wanking.

    This is what they reckon it’s saying:

    ‘A key component of the work of Sarah Lucas has been gender, and her confrontative dissection of it has often involved the artist’s appropriation of blokey behaviour. The potent combination of tits and football scandals is evoking a testosterone-filled male space. This crude death chamber is inhabited by a literal wanker, a mechanical fibre-glass arm, whose continual motion suggest futility, boredom, sex and death.’

  24. Napoleon Says:

    Either that or lorry drivers like ‘aving a wank.

  25. Swineshead Says:

    I find Sarah Lucas’ stuff hilarious. And thought-provoking, if only fleetingly. I’m happy it exists. I wouldn’t pay thousands upon thousands for it to be set up in a warehouse in my name, but I’m quite happy for that arsehole Saatchi to do that if he pleases.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    Lorry drivers do like wanking, but they prefer strangling women, so I hear.

  27. Napoleon Says:

    Viz springs to mind, for some reason …

  28. Clarry Says:

    “What if it’s elephant shit laid by a GOLD elephant with wings from outer space?”

    Well, that would be different…

    “Either that or lorry drivers like ‘aving a wank.”

    Exactly!

    SH – It is what it is, and it’s ok. But, why do they try and read all of that shit into it? In what way is it a crude death-chamber?

  29. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – You’ve clearly not encountered Kostabi. Visit: http://kostabi.com/ for the mother of all wafflers when it comes to art.

  30. Clarry Says:

    For fuck’s sake….

    This speaks volumes:

    “With so many assistants making most of his visual artwork, Mark has had plenty of time to cultivate his unique musical sensibility, allowing him to deliver a disc of surprising invention, with occasional echoes of his modernist influences: Satie, Debussy, Ravel and Stravinsky.”

    Go and get a proper job.

  31. Napoleon Says:

    Thought you might enjoy that.

  32. piqued Says:

    The Chapman’s are more directors than artists; they somehow manage to flirt with plagiarism (Bosch made 3D in this instance) without actually embracing it.

    As in previous works an army of assistants actually makes the pieces. They just get pissed at the Groucho.

    I do like what they do but at the same time they annoy me.

  33. Swineshead Says:

    In terms of art, I really dig what that Nicholas De Lacy Brown’s up to at the moment…

    I thought you might lay into that layman’s review up there, Piqued. Thanks for not.

  34. Mikey Says:

    Actually joking apart, there are a couple of paintings by De Lacy Brown, that i quite like.

  35. piqued Says:

    *ignores sacrasm*

    Who the hell is De Lacy Brown, never heard of them…

  36. Clarry Says:

    Mikey – Surely not.

    This thought just made me laugh…

    Fucking hell….. it’s Soft Cell.

  37. piqued Says:

    That’s right ‘sacrasm’

    *runs off*

  38. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve yet to study the opus of DeLacey Fadgebatter O’Rahey Brine. Is he as good as they say?

  39. Swineshead Says:

    I wasn’t being sarcastic!

    De Lacy Brown – 21st Century artist, visionary, Apprentice candidate (fired)

  40. piqued Says:

    ‘Fucking hell….. it’s Soft Cell’

    That was either a very clever comment on The Chapmans or a lack of Partridge…

  41. piqued Says:

    Oh. Soz

    Oh.

  42. Mikey Says:

    Seriously..i think they are quite colourful. I do not like the ones with him in though.

  43. Mikey Says:

    but that is what art is about. If you like it … you like it.

  44. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve just had a look at some of De Lacewatter Crippleton Von Carpetsworth’s art. I thoroughly enjoyed ‘Noseless Snoopy Lost in Jungle with Monkey’. Inspired stuff.

  45. Mikey Says:

    you made that one up!

  46. piqued Says:

    Mikey, have you been eating lead?

  47. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t make that up, Mikey. It’s no.7 on his site’s front page.

  48. Napoleon Says:

    Can anyone lend me £95?

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2146001/Burger-King-launches-and16395-'bling-burger‘.html

  49. Napoleon Says:

    That link doesn’t work, thanks to the last bit not being highlighted for some reason. Don’t ask me, I don’t know who controls the internet.

  50. piqued Says:

    What for putting up a non existant page?

    Yeah okay

  51. Mikey Says:

    Oh yeah…I was looking at laandscapes and the other themed sections. Yes agreed ‘Noseless Snoopy Lost in Jungle with Monkey’ is bad.

  52. Napoleon Says:

    You have to cut ‘n’ paste it, Piqued. Thanks for the £95, mind. I’ll add it to the tenner you owe me.

  53. Napoleon Says:

    Mikey – I was quite taken with ‘Noseless Snoopy Lost in Jungle with Monkey’. I wouldn’t mind a pri … HOW MUCH??

  54. Clarry Says:

    Yes Piqued, be sorry.

    That was the first thing I thought and was supposed to be my first comment, but I missed my chance.

    Re de Lacy-Brown. Do you think his masterpiece, Sophocles’ Antigone was painted post Apprentice?

  55. Mikey Says:

    2005.

  56. Mikey Says:

    Obviously a savant too!

  57. Clarry Says:

    Also, as i’m sure me and SH have said before – his paintings scream 6th form, and are god-awful pieces of shit. He’ll be drawing red sports cars with rulers next.

  58. Clarry Says:

    Oh yeah! Spooky…

  59. Mikey Says:

    NC.. I’ll do you my Litter Bin perspective for half the price!

  60. piqued Says:

    Clarry, I was saying sorry to SH

    Now explain ‘Fucking hell….. it’s Soft Cell’

  61. Mikey Says:

    I am not adequately versed in art to say whether they scream 6th form or not. In my humblish opinion, some are very colourful and quite pleasent.

  62. Mikey Says:

    But not at the price he wants.

  63. piqued Says:

    Mikey, would you please stop saying that

  64. Mikey Says:

    Sure OK.
    just by the by, in my local charity shop there was a painting by some amateur which they wanted £15.99 for. I liked it, but rather than impulse buy, I went home, thought about it, went back the next day to buy it and it had gone!

  65. Napoleon Says:

    His ‘DeLacey Slain By The Mocking Arrows Of Public Ignorance After Coming Last On A Game Show (In The Rennaissance)’ is quite fetching. I like the way he’s wearing wellies.

  66. Swineshead Says:

    I get the feeling Mikey doesn’t know much about art, but tends to know what he likes.

  67. piqued Says:

    Yes, and I admire his honesty but if I hear ‘it’s colourful’ again I’m going to fork the cunt that sells sandwiches in the bollocks

  68. piqued Says:

    Fuck it, I’ll do it anyway

  69. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Colourful’ – is that some kind of snide racism?

    *prepares list for update*

  70. Mikey Says:

    Clarry did you catch this one? It’s a photo but the explanation is there as to it’s significance.

    http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/chelsea/article3861553.ece

  71. Napoleon Says:

    I, too, don’t know much about art. However, like Mikey there, I know what I like. And what I like most is DeLacebraithe Montycastle Le Spermthumper’s ‘Here’s Me In A Bad Paris’. I also like ‘Giant Crab Attacks Some Shapes’, and the magnificent ‘Gambling & Ice Cream’. The man’s the Da Vinci of our age.

  72. Clarry Says:

    Piqued – It was off I’m AP. Although it went something like…

    “Bloody hell…. it’s Soft Cell!”

  73. piqued Says:

    It was ‘ruddy hell it’s soft cell’

    I though you may have been making a comment on The Chapmans in that they take an exisiting idea and make it overtly extreme via distortion or employing that tired old spud ‘shock’

  74. Clarry Says:

    Mikey – Whoever wrote that needs shooting. A lot of times.

  75. Napoleon Says:

    Tired old spud? Sounds like the grandfather figure in a children’s book called ‘The Potatoes’ …

    “Are you coming out today, grandfather?”
    “Not today,” harrumphed Tired Old Spud.

  76. Mikey Says:

    It was discussed on radio 4 too!

  77. Napoleon Says:

    What was?

  78. Swineshead Says:

    Take an exisiting idea and make it overtly extreme via distortion…

    Over-analysis. No wonder these chumps make thousands and millions for doing fuck all.

  79. Swineshead Says:

    *considers having Mikey commited*

  80. Clarry Says:

    I did say ‘something like’….

    Anyway, no I wasn’t being clever, it just kept making me laugh. Although I could pretend that I thought of it like that if it means you’ll be my friend.

    EWE IS SO CLEVUH PEEKED.

  81. Napoleon Says:

    Quite right, Swineshead. These Chapman buggers should take a leaf out of a certain Apprentice failure’s book, and concentrate on epic works such as the one that depicts the landmarks of Paris as Tetris pieces. I think it’s called ‘Les bornes de Paris s’arrangent dans les formes de Tetris’. Superb.

  82. Clarry Says:

    Do you think dL-B thinks by writing the title in French or Spanish makes it more high-brow? I like the painting which is essentially a scaled-up Spanish Tourist Board poster.

  83. Mikey Says:

    It was discussed on radio 4 too!
    ….the goal celebration as a 15th Century masterpiece.

  84. Napoleon Says:

    Writing things in nonsenical French DOES make your work more high-brow, Clarry. I’m an artist like DeLacey (though not in the same league, o’course), and I recently redubbed my painting ‘My Dirty Cock Shoved In Old Man’s Sock’ as ‘Mon Cock Salir Dans Vieille Chaussette de l’Homme’. It sold to a Londoner with an awful girlfriend for £30,000.

  85. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Nonsensical’ is not a word you want to get wrong really.

  86. Clarry Says:

    LOL!

  87. piqued Says:

    ”’Take an existing idea and make it overtly extreme via distortion…”

    Over-analysis. No wonder these chumps make thousands and millions for doing fuck all’

    I’d certainly argue that the likes of Sarah Lucas are totally over analysed but The Chapman’s are way too obvious, there isn’t anything of gravitas to analyse. It’s simple, take something relatively benign and shock it up, like making a little girls nose look like a winkie. Not much you can say about that save shocking for the sake of shock…

    Having said that. I still quite like them. There is something circus-freakish about their stuff; they entertain the inherent voyeur that lurks within us all.

  88. Napoleon Says:

    You just don’t get as many scabs to pick at as an adult. When I was a boy, I maintained a vast network of scabs – all at different stages of scabbiness. A pick here, a peel there … those were the days.

    Fuck this, I’m off to graze me knees …

  89. Swineshead Says:

    Immaturity on a grand scale as I said before, Piqued. I agree…

    I thought the thing they did with the McDonalds paraphenalia alongside replica tribal masks was quite stirring though. A little more depth, but still just inflated absurdity.

    NC – I used to love picking the dry skin off my feet as a lad. Why don’t I do that any more?

  90. piqued Says:

    Yep, I agree with you. A bit of thought had gone into that.

    Clarry, well done on the ‘fucking hell it’s Soft Cell’ I thought that was very clever

  91. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I suppose it’s that ‘casting off childish things’ thing. I used to like biting off big smelly chunks of hard skin at the sides of my big toes when I was a nipper. I think the missus would leave me if I tried that now.

  92. Clarry Says:

    Yeah, and the ‘shock of the new’ is now old hat.

    They’ll be dong pieces like those in the gallery scene in Brass Eye.

  93. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Dong’ pieces – freudian slip.

    I used to pick my nose and eat it like it was a gourmet dish. A daily habit that was, till I got threadworm. However, I only tried sucking earwax once… never again, I told my pre-pubescent self.

  94. Swineshead Says:

    Fuck. Type ‘threadworm’ into google image search and look at picture 3.

    Could be a new avatar to replace Jim Davidavidson – Napoleon?

  95. Clarry Says:

    *doing

  96. piqued Says:

    ‘I used to pick my nose and eat it like it was a gourmet dish’

    That actually turned my stomach

  97. Clarry Says:

    SH –

    a) No not a freudian slip.
    b) Threadworm from bogies?

  98. Napoleon Says:

    Sounds lovely. I gave earwax a go m’self – not recommended. Another favourite of mine was farting under the duvet, then wafting the covers towards my eager nose so I could bask in the concentrated stench of my pungent creations. Again, living with a woman has put a stop to this activity.

  99. Swineshead Says:

    Little tiny worms in my plops. Old Ma Swineshead said that it was from picking my nose and eating it – dirt under the fingernails. She was probably feeding me an old wives tale.

  100. Clarry Says:

    Ugh, gross!

  101. piqued Says:

    Yes, I too have sampled earwax, it’s shockingly awful

    I can confirm that Ladybird shit tastes exactly the same following an experiment as a 6 year old

  102. piqued Says:

    NC, you’ve described a Dutch Oven

  103. Swineshead Says:

    I want that picture on a T shirt.

    Aaaah – the farty duvet-waft. A classic manouevre…

    Bisto.

  104. Clarry Says:

    It’s from scratching your bum hole, getting the little critters under your fingernails and then putting your fingers in your mouth. And so the cycle continues.

    You bin scratching yor bum SH?

  105. Swineshead Says:

    Dutch oven involves trapping a loved one in the stench – there’s no wafting involved.

    Hang on… you ate ladybird shit??

  106. Clarry Says:

    I am bent double trying to stifle laffs now. Stop it!

  107. Swineshead Says:

    Clarry – you can catch it (apparently) from a shared pencil, toy…etc… the cycle starts at the bumhole, yes. But you can catch it from anything the eggs have been spread onto – clothing, toast, muffins…etc…

  108. Napoleon Says:

    For anyone who DOESN’T want to see an anus with all worms coming out of it, may I suggest that, unlike my unsuspecting self, you don’t accept Swineshead’s invitation to examine picture three on Google Images after typing in ‘Threadworm’.

  109. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve always enjoyed the smell of my own farts. Strangely, no other human being on Earth shares my enthusiasm for their singular odour. Odd that.

  110. Clarry Says:

    How I wished you’d said that 6 minutes ago NC!

  111. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I only just got round to looking. No doubt if I hadn’t, Swineshead would have forwarded me a handy link which I, having only been duped into following one of his appalling links (usually involving grotesquely overweight naked women) on about seven hundred other occasions, would have clicked on it.

  112. Clarry Says:

    SH – I know I used to work in a chemist. ‘Member I told you about the man who went for his belt buckle whilst asking me if I had anything for a split bum following a particularly large poo?

  113. piqued Says:

    The wafting is an automatic by-product of the natural movements of a duvet

    I prefer the rise and fall method, it’s amazingly effective…

    #1 Under a quality duvet gently fart (it MUST be silent)

    #2 lift up your right/left knee (the side of the victim) the fart will remain in this zone in the bed

    #3 discreetly make a tube from the death zone the nose of the victim, this can be done by simply tugging and lifting the duvet

    #4 drop the knee, the fart will shoot through the tube and right up the nose of the victim

    #5 have a blazing row

  114. piqued Says:

    I have eaten Ladybird shit, yes. Tasted like earwax don’t you know

  115. Napoleon Says:

    A split arse? Fun. Being under the hammer of a difficult intestinal complaint, I’m always worried I’ll end up with my innards hanging out of my backside on my next visit to the thunderbox. Of course, I’d refuse to leave the house in the ambulance – tackle out with your guts hanging off your arsehole for all the street to see, I don’t think so. I think I’d probably just try shoving it all back up there, and then bound up the bloody lot of it with sellotape, or something.

  116. Clarry Says:

    You’re all mental. I’m off now, check you laterz.

  117. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – I haven’t had a falling out with my other half since, oooh, must be last Saturday, so I think I’ll give your technique a go tonight. Is it best to catch ’em just as they’re drifting off to sleep?

  118. piqued Says:

    I find as they’re waking up is the best. The expression of horror on their little faces as they realise they’re being gassed is even worth the whacks to the stomach, the screaming insults/tears and the stony silence which can last up to and including 2 whole days.

    Good luck, Sir

  119. piqued Says:

    tips. Make sure you laugh hatefully

  120. Napoleon Says:

    Right you are. I’d hoped to have a blazing row tonight, to be honest. I suppose tomorrow morning will have to do.

  121. piqued Says:

    Well, it’s worth the wait, the morning gas is always so much more piquant I find.

    Get it right and their eyes will be watering so much they won’t be able to see for 10 mins

  122. Clarry Says:

    Sorry, before I go I have to say my other half came up with a special new way to offend me last night, via the medium of trumps.

    We were in the bath (washing, I might add) and he lifted himself up so as to be half in half out of the water and gassed with such force that the water actually splashed up in my face.

    I was not impressed!

  123. Clarry Says:

    NB – He even named the technique. They are now known as ‘skimmers’.

  124. Clarry Says:

    And my mouth was open a bit…

  125. Napoleon Says:

    You were having a wash together? Blimey, the credit crunch is really starting to bite, isn’t it?

    I’ll wager there’s not a man in England who doesn’t feel a sense of immense pride when birthing a prized bum-youngster in the bath. Serves you right, Clarry.

  126. Clarry Says:

    I thought he loved me…

  127. Clarry Says:

    You’re telling me you don’t bathe with your other half? Or are we weird?

  128. piqued Says:

    I’m with NC on this.

    My dad was able to fart in the bath with so much resonance I actually recall hearing one of his efforts in the front garden through a closed front door followed by mum shouting ‘Jim, the neighbours!’ and my dad replying, ‘yeah, beat that’

  129. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t, as a rule. For one thing, I like farting, wanking, reading, listening to the radio and drinking booze in the bath, and she doesn’t. For another, I wouldn’t let the other half have a wash if I was in with in there with ‘er, if you follow me.

  130. Clarry Says:

    Ho ho!

  131. Swineshead Says:

    I hardly ever have baths. We’re not victorians, after all.

  132. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Impressive. It calls to mind my father’s attempts to attract a shop assistant in Curry’s by farting so loudly it interrupted the reception on the televisions.

  133. Clarry Says:

    All boys are clearly, EXACTLY the same.

  134. Napoleon Says:

    “I hardly ever have baths. We’re not victorians, after all.”

    You’re missing out, Swineshead. I love having baths, me. I can be in ’em for hours thanks to the wonders of modern heating. I was in the one I had yesterday for about three hours, give or take. I looked like a California Raisin when I got out – lovely.

  135. Mikey Says:

    Clarry it depends how big the bath is…and what shape
    Once in a while Ok, but regularly no.
    What would happen if one wanted to wash their hair whilst the other wished to lie quietly contemplating one’s navel? Can only lead to problems.

  136. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve better things to do, see? Like watching the same song on a loop on MTV2, looking at my writing pad and sighing.

  137. Clarry Says:

    We do, most days, in our normal shaped bath. There’s plenty of room, it just takes me longer to wash my hair as I have to spend a lot of time fending off his advances. And trumps.

  138. Napoleon Says:

    Writing pad? He has a go at us for being Victorian for ‘aving baths! It’s been so long since I’ve written anything in my own hand, I think I’ve forgotten how to thanks to machines, lovely, lovely machines. Get with the times, grandad! Writing pad, indeed!

  139. Swineshead Says:

    I prefer the old longhand when I’m being all creative – if I type when I’m coming up with stuff it’s on the page too quickly. My thoughts can’t keep up with my twitching fingers. It’s character-building, writing longhand.

  140. Napoleon Says:

    I take it this relationship hasn’t been going on that long, Clarry? After eight years, my other half sees quite enough of my deteriorating naked carcass as I drag it into bed each evening. I doubt she’d want to have it facing her night after night as she’s trying to get a wash. Anyway, I’d engulf her in a cloud of watery gas.

  141. Napoleon Says:

    Character building? Bloody tedious, more like. I much prefer machines.

  142. Swineshead Says:

    Little secret for you, NC:

    The machines hate you.

  143. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t care if they hate me, those insolent machines. The slaves on the plantations hated their masters, and look where that got ’em. Nowhere, that’s where.

    *shows PC the lash for its impertinence*

  144. Clarry Says:

    NC – We’re married!

  145. Mikey Says:

    Notepad for me too…also when out and about and no pen or paper to take interesting notes, nip into a bookies and get a pen and betting slips for a pad. Had to do that yesterday.

  146. Swineshead Says:

    NC and Clarry are married?

    *calls the News of the World*

  147. Napoleon Says:

    Married long? I know if I’d been married to my other half for as long as I have been going out with ‘er, she’d not let me anywhere near the bath when she’s trying to have a wash. As far as I’m aware, a ring on her finger doesn’t immediately break down the doors of the female ablutionary castle allowing the man to invade the courtyard with his farts/busy hands. If it does, I’m off to the registry office.

  148. Napoleon Says:

    Mikey – Fuck that. Get y’self a machine. Much easier. I have both static and portable machines for when I feel the urge to record my drivel. Machines are the best.

  149. Mikey Says:

    I do it in meetings too. Most are dilligently typing into the laptop and I am taking notes in my book. You can also doodle and do those silly patterns, like drawing a house without going over a line that you have already made.

  150. Mikey Says:

    I also like to draw faces, cars and especially aeroplanes in meetings.

  151. Napoleon Says:

    I doodle on a machine.

    *wins*

  152. Mikey Says:

    Also you can’t chew your PC when particularly bored. No pen and paper, the old ways are the best ways.

  153. Mikey Says:

    Well yes you can of course, but it’s not the same.

  154. Napoleon Says:

    I chew the end of the graphics pen I use with my machine.

    *wins*
    *again*

  155. Mikey Says:

    Yeah but you have bought high end stuff. Navinote or something similar.

  156. Clarry Says:

    No SH, not to NC.

    *Rings NOTW to cancel story*

    NC – We’ve been going out a fair few years now and married over a year. I didn’t start bathing with him because we were married, we’ve always done it. We just sit and chat about the day and stuff and listen to the radio. Don’t get me wrong, we do bathe alone sometimes.

  157. Mikey Says:

    Which radio station do you listen to…? see this would be another point of contention in my bathroom. Also could be dangerous with the old electrical appliance. Reminds me of an episode in fear and loathing in Las Vegas, and the song White rabbit!

  158. Clarry Says:

    Radio 2, Radio 6 Music, Radio 7, 5 Live or Planet Rock.

    We’ve got a big bathroom and the radio is a safe distance away from the bath itself.

  159. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I’d still predict his farting and wandering hands will eventually lead you to the pleasures of singular bathing.

    Mikey – You’ve clearly not watched Mythbusters on Discovery, then? they dropped all manner of electrical shit into a bath, and it didn’t do bugger all. I like those Mythbusters, they bust myths.

  160. piqued Says:

    Clarry, that’s rather nice. Don’t listen to the nasty men

    (can I watch)

  161. Mikey Says:

    Really, no I missed that. I will have to experiment.

  162. Napoleon Says:

    I did after watching that. Ruined a perfectly good radio.

  163. Mikey Says:

    So many murder mystery shows now ruined!

  164. Mikey Says:

    Hold on though, they are Americans. Different voltage!

  165. Napoleon Says:

    They ruin everything, those Mythbusters. Still, quite a good show, ‘specially when you’ve had a few the night before and don’t want to watch anything too challenging.

  166. Napoleon Says:

    It’s not really a matter of voltage, Mikey. The circuit breakers trip the second the radio hits the water.

  167. Clarry Says:

    Piqued – Yes if you want. You can see for yourself how revolting it is to be ‘skimmed’.

  168. Mikey Says:

    Yes but, if plugged in to mains and the electrical cord to the mains had any copper showing whilst in water, would you not fry?

  169. Napoleon Says:

  170. Napoleon Says:

    Any copper showing?? How old’s your bloody radio? What make is it? A PYE? An RCA?? Can you still get Dave Lee Travis on that? FOR GOD’S SAKE DON’T DROP IT IN YOUR BATH!

  171. Napoleon Says:

    Sorry about that image there. I meant to post something else.

  172. Mikey Says:

    I have got a rather a rickety AC30. If I dropped that in your bath I am sure you’d fry. At the least, you would be in great pain with the weight of the thing.

  173. Napoleon Says:

    The valves might blow before it did any serious electrical damage. As you say, I can’t see my body holding up well to having a four stone radio dropped on it. Did you inherit that from your grandad? What year of World War II do he capture it from the Germans?

  174. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Ah yes, I read about this, a bit like the Warhammer game of some truly fucked up kids.

    Oh, should be ‘who’s babbling’ though. Not to be an arse, like.

  175. Mikey Says:

    Thought i would share this with you a propos of the Lorry driver “discussion”. (Apologies if you have seen it already).

    http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/the-hitcher-simon-usborne-takes-to-the-road-847716.html

    Alan / Tuesday, 5:40pm.

  176. Swineshead Says:

    Nice one Mikey – will check that later.

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